What to do...

[WhoAmI]

Hello-

 

Well, I'm about to become a statistic. It really sucks - but I knew it was coming.

 

12.5 years of marriage - 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 3 fish.

 

I'm not sure how to go about this (the whole posting thing) but I need/would like some outside pov to help me with the direction I should take.

 

My wife was miserable. It got so bad that I told her to take two weeks, staying with a girlfriend, and see what she wanted to do.

 

It killed me to say it, but you have to understand that she was absolutely miserable being at home - she didn't want to be home (and wasn't as much as she could could not be), didn't want to be around the kids and didn't love me anymore (well, the "I love you, but am not in love with you." statement).

 

For the last two years I worked nights - we didn't see each other a whole bunch. She felt neglected, lonely, used for sex, etc. I really cannot blame her - you can easily take each other for granted and fall into this trap.

 

She would call me at 2 or 3 in the morning just all upset about us, her - and we both knew that in just a short time I would be back on days forever. We agreed to try to work things out - we had but weeks to go before I was back on days. As the days ticked down she just dropped off the map as far as her connection to me/us.

 

Within a week of being back on days I told her that she should take some time to decide what she wants.

 

**

 

I screwed up and basically demanded, within those two weeks, that she gives me and answer because I was hurting too much not knowing. She said that she needs a couple of months (which turned into 6 months - our next anniversary date) to see if she could love me again, to decide what she wanted in life and to live some on her own as she never has before.

 

Typically, I continued to push her - she eventually said we should try dating - which I thought was an insincere gesture to try dating. I told her that I thought dating would not work - that we needed to be together.

 

After that, she later told me, she thought I didn't want to try to save the marriage and she "moved on" (but honestly, with as much as I tried to get her back I cannot really believe that she didn't know I wanted her back).

 

Unfortunately, I groveled...more than once. I later said that I would never do that again and was sorry that she had to go through that.

 

**

 

So, synopsis:

 

I used her for sex. Was not there for her - emotionally (and with helping out cleaning the house and helping with the days during the day).

 

She took off her wedding ring right away. I still have mine on.

 

She said that she doesn't love me. Has no feelings for me.

 

She likes this other guy (has kissed several times).

 

She said that there is nothing I can do - that she has to decide what she wants.

 

She doesn't believe in divorce - but doesn't want to try to save our marriage (from every indication).

 

 

What can I do? I do love her and the above is from her pov. Not all wrong, but not as bad as it seems.

 

She wouldn't communicate to me (ever really - she wouldn't open up) even to tell me she needed to go to the hospital because she cut her finger off (just a silly illustration - I was the one who wanted to know what was wrong...i.e., communication).

 

 

Thanks.

[WhoAmI]

Btw - I found out recently (it's been almost 4 months since she moved out) that her anger/resentment/bitterness goes back to the beginning of our marriage.

 

It's not just a recent series of events.

 

That makes the whole situation much worse - she carried this barge behind her for years and years and kept on throwing more and more on it.

 

I just wish she would've told me more openly what was going on - I was certainly asking (but maybe not listening).

 

I would've loved to have cut the tow line with her.

[WhoAmI]

Honestly, I think I need to let her go. She needs to decide what to do - and I need to be a man and approach this entire situation with truth.

 

I cannot allow myself to hold back the truth so as to not hurt her feeling and/or my chance at getting back together with her.

 

I believe that in some ways I have accepted too much blame for our situation simply because I wanted to help in any way I could to make it easier for her.

 

Who knows - perhaps, if I allow myself to move on then she'll see that I might not be there for her "if" she decides to come back.

 

 

Owe geez - I wish I could find my divorce/seperation manual...

[Mz. Pixie]

If I were a betting girl, I'd bet that your wife has had or is involved in an affair.

 

A woman doesn't usually leave a marriage and say they dont' love their spouse unless someone else is involved. I'm basing my argument on what I did in my past, and what has happened on this board.

 

I think if you do some investigating you'll find out that this is true- from before you guys separated. She's admitting to kissing because it's gentler to do so at this point.

 

You need to buy and read "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. It will tell you exactly what not to do to save your marriage. The ultimatium and the begging were NOT what to do.

[WhoAmI]

Ya, I know the ultimatum and the groveling was bad, bad.

 

It was out of complete fear that I did those things...

 

...I made sure that she understood that I regretted the groveling and that it would never ever happen again - and not in a, "please don't be made at me" attitude.

 

However, the ulitmatum is not something I can take back. I'm not sure she'd let me "or" want me to have that chance back.

 

It's all but over I'm sure -

[WhoAmI]

Btw - thanks for the book suggestion - I just ordered it.

 

I'm sure (99% - hard to give up all hope) that it's over - however, I need to learn more about the why (so I can change for the better from all of this) and hopefully this book will help some.

 

Also, I wouldn't be completely surprised if she already had an affair. She's pretty good at hiding things from me.

 

I give her the benefit of the doubt - unfortunately, she never gave it to me.

 

So sad...

[suegail]

I think it's very sad that she's so ready to give up on the marriage - it's sad in light of the fact that you are willing to work as hard as you can at making things better. I think she may be making a decision she'll one day regret with all her heart. She may believe things will be all roses and sunlight with this new guy, but life has a way of surprising us...

[WhoAmI]

Ya, I do believe (know) that she's given up 100%. It seems that she gave up right from the start.

 

Perhaps that is why I wanted to know so badly what she was doing in those first two weeks. She was so so cold and indifferent - so not my wife of 12 years (well, not to this level anyways).

 

Her suggestions on our life were simply crazy. She said that because she left me it was only right that that I be able to date whomever I wish.

 

As a woman, she continued, she was able to suppress her needs while as a man I was not. So, I could date - and she encouraged me to - but I could not have sex with anyone or else our marriage "was" over.

 

After calling her (as in bring it up on the table again) on this a few different times I finally got her to admit, by omission (you take what you get), that she was going to be using this new "dating" rule that she so graciously gave to me. She still insists that "I just don't understand what she's trying to say" when I question her on the dating rule she came up with.

 

**

 

Is that a pile or what?

 

Geez - I do believe that the best role that I can play is one of just trying to stay friendly (indifferent, but not too much so). Don't initiate conversation, don't bring us up and being there for my kids.

 

Lastly, this has got to be the biggest mistake of her life.

[trickynj99]

Who

 

life is long... i am in the same boat, kids dog..wife not"in love" which i heard back about 9 months ago ...i am still in the house but we've agreed to separate after the holidays...i've made alot of same mistakes you made...grovel, ultimatum...have you tried sulking??

 

anyway...we had a big fight this weekend and i did something really dumb and it was so bad i said lets just start over...rewind back to beginning....and i got it all out...said all my thoughts and they were actually the toughest things for her to hear...then she said all her thoughts...and i heard some stuff that i didnt expect...and it was hard but i didnt respond to any of her issues except to say either i'm sorry i hurt you or i understand your side of it...thats it...in the end...she said she has been feeling sorry for me!!!! what/??...it hit me like a brick..she's confused and angry, then she feels sorry for ME!, which makes her more confused and angry...imagine how ultimatums must feel to her!!.

 

i post this because you seem to think its over...i'm saying its not over and there is always a chance to do better and improve your lot...ask for one do over, let her do all the talking , if she gives you the mulligan just say thank you and leave it at that...i have had the roughest 6 months of my life...the last 3 days have been great, until the papers are signed its not over..

[WhoAmI]

I've tried the, let's start over. I really have.

 

She said that once I told her that I didn't think dating would work that she "built a wall" and moved on. She told me that she believed that "I" gave up on us at that point. Regardless of whether or not I think that's a nice excuse for her to use, she is using it - and won't let go of it.

 

As soon as she told me that she "moved on" after I told her that (I've been waiting for a month since that particular conversation to see what she was going to do with our marriage) I made it very clear to her that I had not given up - never had, still had my ring on in fact.

 

She was going to have to see if she could love me again...

 

The ball is in her court and I've got to accept that to all the world it looks like she has completely made up her mind.

 

She has told her family, asked her sister to move in with her, is now planning on getting a house in the same school district our kids now go to (for split custody).

 

 

Don't get me wrong - I'd love to start over with her - but I've come to the point of acceptance.

[trickynj99]

which means it time to start working 100% on yourself!!

 

i wish you all the best i'm going thru it too, nothings final but i'm not sure whether the hardest part is not knowing or the realization that something is gone... the best parts have been when i took care of myself

[WhoAmI]

She's coming over tomorrow after work (or she may just pick up the kids for a while).

 

I plan on telling her, when she leaves, that I let her go because I love her...and when she's ready I'll be here for her.

 

 

I need to be a pillar of strength - solid...faithful. Better late, and forevermore, then never.

 

 

Thanks for listening all - was/is good just to get it out.

[WhoAmI]

I have a question for you all.

 

If my wife gets to the point of wanting to "try" I would think that going to a MC would be an excellent idea.

 

I haven't read much/any about it - but it seems like a good idea.

 

Is there a "good" way to bring up going to see a MC?

 

 

Thanks.

[WhoAmI]

Do most women typically want to stay "friendly" after they leave you?

 

My wife called me last night wanting to tell me a funny story that ended up including my dad. She was laughing and friendly...

 

...of course, she has almost always been "friendly" to me after she left. Wants to keep things on a smooth level.

 

We'll go for a while with her just calling about the kids - just "business" type of stuff and I swing back around to knowing it's over.

 

Unfortunately, I get my hopes up everytime she calls and is very casual, friendly, etc. It is never about "us" though.

 

 

My wife will be over tonight to see the kids - and I'm getting/am nervous - didn't sleep well, etc.

 

If she didn't call me yesterday being friendly and laughing it up then I wouldn't be feeling this.

 

Am I looking too hard for "something"?

[lilmoma1973]

why don't you suggest marriage counseling then and try to make it work and if it doesn't at least you tried and didn't give up and gave it your best and then can get a divorce knowing that you tried everything you could but it just wasn't there anymore.. i think you two have too much to just give up that quick!!! Good luck

[WhoAmI]

Whew baby.

 

My wife called and asked me if I told the kids that she was coming over today to see them.

 

She then proceeded to talk about how it is still snowing in the city we live in - and she hopes she can get out today.

 

She's casual and laughing.

 

**

 

I decide to ask her if she's thought about reconciling our marriage. She responded with a very quick no.

 

Figured I'd plunge into it and see exactly where we are at.

 

 

She hasn't thought about reconciling at all. Not once. She was unhappy and doesn't deserve it - and won't be subjected to it again.

 

It was bad for the kids - and they'll be better now that we're split up. She's in denial here.

 

She doesn't care that we're talking more than we have in years. She doesn't care that I love her, want to work it out...nothing.

 

I tried to gently go down the marriage is a commitment - love is a decision - not in a guilt trip way but in a "this is what marriage and love is"...to work through everything together.

 

I told her that I don't believe in divorce and that when she is ready I'll be there for her.

 

Well, at least now I know it's over for sure. Nothing to do but to continue to pray for God's help.

 

 

Good luck all.

[WhoAmI]

Just wanted to let everyone know that I didn't just decide to through this into the conversation.

 

She asked if I planned on removing her from my Insururance. I said, "No, of course not. Why would I do that? I'm trying to save our marriage."

 

Which was the lead in to the whole enchillada. I saw how bad my last post looked - she called about the weather and I jumped into "So, are we going to work on this marriage or not?".

 

 

Not sure why I feel like I need to defend myself here. Thanks again all.

[Spurned]

I would stop being so available for her. Don't answer all of her phone calls!

 

Why would a woman who says she's leaving the marriage call you all the time and try to make casual talk? Maybe because she just wants the emotional reassurance that you're still hanging onto the marriage. It comforts her, and it's not fair.

 

This "friends" thing she's trying to put on you will really hurt you more in the long run, dude. Trust me!

[WhoAmI]

Hello-

 

Ya, at this point I feel kinda stuck. I'm all but positive she's having sexual relations with her boyfriend. I acknowledge and accept that - I'm loving my wife, but am not blind.

 

My position is that a true loving husband would not give up on his marriage. If I really love her I'll be there for her when she's ready.

 

Of course, as you suggested above, she could just be using that as a nice security/comfy blanket while she enjoys her new life.

 

I have "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson, on it's way. Until I receive and digest it I'm going to stick with the "I'll be here when you're ready".

 

You know the saying "Love is blind"...

 

...for me it's taken on a whole new light.

 

I believe love is blind simply because those who are giving their love do so regardless of "their" personal rights/feelings/wants/needs/desire. They do it for others, not themselves...

 

If I don't take a stand for my marriage (for what is right), even when all seems 100% lost, who else will?

 

 

Of course, these are all the thoughts of but a single man...slowly climbing out of the deepest valley he's ever been in. I look forward to Mr. Dobson's book.

[OldEurope]

There is no such thing in this universe as love being "blind".

 

Anyone who sits around waiting "to be there" while a spouse has sexual relations with another person is all but a mess of lost, low self esteem.

 

Marriage vows do not include accepting rotten, disrespectful treatment from another. I absolutely do not believe one can love someone else unless one loves oneself. That sounds all very self-helpish, but it is true. Love is an exalted form of respect, and he who does not expect reciprocal such treatment in relationships has some serious private unsettled issues going on.

 

PS Your wife will continue in her affair because you are sending the subliminal message that all is well and okay with what she is doing.

[WhoAmI]

Ya, I'm going to confront her about whether or not she's having sexual relations...

 

...what I have to figure out first is what I plan on doing after I find that out.

 

I honestly don't know.

 

Sadly, I'm still worried about "losing" her - as if I haven't already...

 

I am having the hardest time coming to grips with how people can just drop their marriage. I keep on making excuses for her because she just has to be screwed up in the head.

 

There was no abuse involved - no cheating - no yelling - no hitting. I just cannot fathom any rational thought justifying this. So goes my thinking, because this is irrational she'll come to a point of snapping out of it and realizing that she screwed up.

 

I know it is sad, especially as I know how I would read all this if I wasn't the one typing it, but man is it hard to just let go.

[WhoAmI]

I want to tell her that what she has done, what she is doing, is despicable. There is no justification for it and that she has gotten what she has wanted; she finally lost me.

 

That is what I want to say.

[WhoAmI]

But I won't.

 

I love her and marriage is something to fight for even when half of platoon, so to speak, turns against you.

 

If life was easy - and you didn't have to fight for anything you truely wanted - then we'd all be really happy and spoiled.

 

I will carry on - taking care of myself, my children and keep an open heart to the possiblity of marital reconciliation.

 

I will not brood, overly so at least , will not pressure my wife into making any decisions, will not bring up the OM, and will exude confidence and respect as I go forth.

 

Whew - what a day.

[Devildog]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49359/

 

Have a read.

 

This is my story. Did many of the same things you did. It might give you some insight. Alot of people who have come through here have told me they have gained strength from seeing what I went through and came out of as a better person.

 

And for the record, all of you people who look up to me and gain strength from my story, you all scare me.

[WhoAmI]

Owe ya - update:

 

I've told her (tonight) that I have let her go to do her own thing (as I cannot stop her) and am myself moving on - to better myself, to be there for our children - while keeping an open heart about the possibility, if she so chooses at some point, to try reconciliation. I informed her that each of us have our own choices to make - that neither can change the mind of the other and that each of us will do as we wish - as we know is the right thing for each of us to do. I have made my choice and she will continue to make hers.

 

She made sure that if I met "Susie" that she was ok with me seeing her. I told her that I know the decision is mine and that each of us will continue to make our own decisions on what we want to do/believe in.

 

Best talk so far. For me at least.