What to do...

[Outcast]

I believe love is blind simply because those who are giving their love do so regardless of "their" personal rights/feelings/wants/needs/desire. They do it for others, not themselves...

 

No, actually 'love is blind' refers to the self-delusion that takes place in the mind of someone infatuated that prevents them from seeing the serious flaws in their 'beloved'. That is, until the infatuation wears off and the flaws become painfully evident. And this may be what happened in your situation, which is why she says she has felt the same way for most of the marriage.

 

Or maybe she's rewriting history now. However she seems intent on moving on. She may come to her senses and return but I'd not hold out too much hope for that, unfortunately.

[WhoAmI]

You really think so?

 

I started with saying that "Love is Blind" has taken on a whole new light for me.

 

For me:

 

Love is blind - but not stupid. If something is worth fighting for then it is - not just when circumstances are what they should be.

 

If my wife comes back to me then we can start a new marriage - but in the meantime I am not going to stop loving her and encourage her in her current lifestyle because for the moment she's "happy".

 

She knows that I have let her move on - that I am doing the same - and I am keeping my heart open to reconciliation. She also knows, indirectly, that I will not be dating others and that I am doing what I (and probably her) knows is the right thing.

 

Owe ya, as to the flaws they were definately evident. lol. With both of us I'm sure. As to her feelings of bitterness/resentment going far far back - if you don't talk about things then something the size of a pin hole festers until it is the size of a bowling ball.

 

Finally though, she's able to be honest and open. She told me last night that she's still working on it - that it is hard for her - but she's doing it. Good for her - I encourage that.

[WhoAmI]

Baby steps.

 

Welp, three days ago my wife called. First time we talked since my previous post. I have been waiting for this phone call for the last week. If she was waiting for me to "let her go & to move on" then she needs to know that it was real. I believe she now realizes that I'm not going to allow the "let's ignore the truth of what happened, go on like we're friends, while you're not living at home and have a boyfriend".

 

She asked about picking up the kids Saturday - that wouldn't work (gymnastics and then a Christmas party) - and then she brought up coming over to visit with the kids here on Sunday (she didn't have a lot of time as she was headed to a Christmas party as well).

 

However, there will be no more coming over and visiting with the kids - while I'm in there with a smile on my face trying to "win her back". She'll need to pick our children up.

 

I told her that since we last talked and I "let her go and decided to move on myself", it was not a good idea for her to come over.

 

Her voice changed (caught me by surprise...it really did) - not sure if simply from shock, elation, heartache or a feeling of the door shutting on her - but she said "I understand". I told her that she could come pick up the kids - she said "I understand".

 

I told her to give me a call if she wanted to pick up the kids tomorrow - she said "Ok". I said good-bye.

 

 

That short phone call was very hard - but rewarding. I feel like I have taken a bit of myself out of the mud.

[Spurned]

good for you dude.

 

The tough part is keeping it up!

[WhoAmI]

Whew - what a day!

 

Update...

 

...the last few times my wife called me (since my last post) I was strictly business oriented. Whatever was the point of the call (the kids) I got to and answered any questions and then got off the phone as soon as I could without being rude.

 

I felt that if this is what she wanted then she was going to have to face the reality of her decisions (that she really was/has lost me).

 

This last Sunday she called me about the kids (described above) and then called me back probably within 10 minutes wanting to know what was going on. Why was I being a jerk, etc., to her on the phone.

 

I started in on the, "Well, what do you expect of me?" - "This is what you wanted; time, space, not-me, etc.". We ended the conversation with her going to think about "us" (the serious stuff like now or never - Go BIG or STAY Home) and her commitment to call me in a day or two. ((Of course there was much more said during this phone call - just about half of everything including the kitchen sink)).

 

Two days went by (yesterday) and I called my wife to tell her that our two youngest children are in a Christmas concert that night...she said that she wanted to go and would call me back to let me know if she could make it (Jury Duty). She called back later on with a yes, and I asked if she wanted me to save her a seat - Yes was the answer.

 

After the concert, saying goodbye, I told her to call me in a day or two with her decision on "us" as referenced above.

 

**Yes, I know I'm typing a lot here and probably going into excessive detail - but what the heck - you can skip ahead if you want.**

 

That night (again, last night) was the big one. We had the best talk ever. She broke down and came completely clean. I told her, "I want you to get in your car and come over right now - for good." (it sounds demanding as I type it but it was said in complete love, commitment and forgiveness).

 

Praying and praying have I, and many friends, been doing...

 

...thank you Jesus.

 

We are starting anew! A fresh beginning. A clean slate.

 

Day one of reconciliation.

 

Since losing my wife I have found refuge in God. It has been many years since I trusted (really) in Him for daily things in my life. Not so now.

 

I told my wife that God will be first in my life, with her second and the kids coming in third. A lofty goal - but the right one.

 

 

Thank you all for sharing in a part of my life - but one with a tremendous ending/beginning.

 

God bless you.

[CaliGuy]

I love a happy ending. Congrats to you, my friend. Keep the faith.

 

I would like to suggest that you both work earnestly on improving the areas you need to improve upon and stick to it. Be wary of old habits/attitudes returning and head it off at the pass.

 

Trust in God. He knows what is best for you.

 

Best of luck.

[WhoAmI]

Yes, excellent advice. I know my weak points - and my wives.

 

I am trusting in God.

 

As long as I stick with God, wholeheartedly, he can make me more like Christ - less selfish and lazy (the first two that come to mind).

 

 

One day at a time is what I kept on telling my wife before she decided to come back home.

 

I'll take you as you are, right now. Dont' wait until you're "fixed" before you think you can come back home. Come now - it's one step at a time. One each day. It's all I ask.

 

Thank you Lord. He gave me the words to speak to my wife.

[WhoAmI]

Wow...without God where would I be right now?

 

Whew - whirlwind of disaster.

 

She lied to me when we last talked. She didn't come back for "us" - she came back for our kids - or more precisely one of our kids. I told her not to come back (before she did) unless she was serious. She couldn't do it just for the kids - it wouldn't last. She already left once and put the kids on the back burner...it will only be easier for her to do it a second time. Alas, she lied. She came home crying and sorry/repentant. Had made a decision to work on it/us.

One day into it and I could tell already. She wasn't committed and like her current affair, her decision to move back in was based 100% on emotions.

She loves this guy and doesn't have a spark for me. She feels sick being at home - this is not her home, etc.

 

I even told her how she met him - they both had emotional needs - he was in a bad relationship - they understood each other - they bonded - they can talk for hours - he has so many strong points (and very few bad points) - he is everything I am not, etc.

AND he's even a Christian. Talk about bang for your buck huh?

 

I worry about the path she is on...

Even without knowing this guy, or anything about "them" I completely nailed it. Completely logical, rational and right. I laid out everything about the two of them - it is the classical affair - there truely is nothing new under the sun. But she is being run by emotions 100%. What can a person do when the other is not even rational in their thoughts? All I can do is pray. I've given it my all.

 

Why owe why would she come back, give me (and more importantly the kids) hope and within 1.5 days say that she made a mistake coming home. I told her that I would take her as she is, one day at a time - all I asked from her was to wear her wedding rings, do not contact/see this guy and to not give up - but to take that first step each and every day.

 

I gave her complete forgiveness - 100%. All I asked was for her to try each and every day - to take that first step.