should i go, should i stay

[anthony]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. During the first months i found out she used drugs in the past. I told her that I would not be with anyone who used drugs and she assured me that it was in her past.

 

a year later, she slipped up and told me that the still smoked and I was very upset. We had a long talk and she promised me that she wouldn't do it again. The next day, I caught her in the bathroom smoking. Again she promised to stop. several months later, I got the inclination to check her purse and found drugs. She told me that the drugs were not hers and that a friend had put them in her purse. a few months later, i caught her again in the bathroom getting high.

 

At this point, I consider her a habitual liar and possible addict. I love her very much, but i'm not sure if a relationship with her is worth it given her constant dishonesty with a habit I simple will not tollerate!

 

What to do?

[cinsi]

As a previous cocaine addict and smoker I know that it it possible to quit using. But she must do it for herself. I quit without counseling but it was very very hard and I would suggest that she get professional help to quit. If she wants to. From personal experience, I would not have dated a sober person. I also know many many people who have used drugs and quit for a while and then start again. It is a big risk for you to go out with her b/c more than likely she will not just quit and never use again, there will be relapses and she will need tons of support and help.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. During the first months i found out she used drugs in the past. I told her that I would not be with anyone who used drugs and she assured me that it was in her past. a year later, she slipped up and told me that the still smoked and I was very upset. We had a long talk and she promised me that she wouldn't do it again. The next day, I caught her in the bathroom smoking. Again she promised to stop. several months later, I got the inclination to check her purse and found drugs. She told me that the drugs were not hers and that a friend had put them in her purse. a few months later, i caught her again in the bathroom getting high. At this point, I consider her a habitual liar and possible addict. I love her very much, but i'm not sure if a relationship with her is worth it given her constant dishonesty with a habit I simple will not tollerate! What to do?

[David Gevert]

I really agree with you, cinsi. The last sentence is especially important in my opinion. Anthony, instead of being judgmental and angry with her, try being supportive instead. Offer to help her overcome her problem in any way you can, instead of leaving at the first sign of trouble. If I were her I'd probably have lied too. She shouldn't feel like she has to lie about her problems to you, but apparently she does.

[anthony]

I appreciate the responces you have given. It's not that I'm looking for an excuse to leave her, but being involved with someone who does drugs is a real problem for me. If I'd have know of this from the begining, I would have not gotten involved in the first place. This matter is really about trust! Now lets say we were talking about sleeping around on someone: Your Sig Fig tells you or worse, you catch them in the act; you argue and get past it, but it "just happens again", then again? The point I'm trying to make is that everyone has a criteria as to the type of person they want to be with. Sure everyone has faults, but some faults can lead to bringing you down as well. I would respect her saying, "look honey, I do this every once and a while, but it's not a problem for me (yet). I know how you feel, but I enjoy it and it's up to you if you want to be with me under these conditions". I'd respect that more than lying to cover something up. If you have to lie about something anyway, isn't that a sure sign that what your doing is wrong in the first place? I'm having real problems with trust her. I'll try, as I've been doing, to help her with her problem, but now there are two... Drug use and mistrust! please advise.

[Kate]

You cannot really compare this situation to cheating, it is two totally different subjects. But as for the subject at hand, here is my advice. YOU need to decide if you love her enough to stay and try to help her. If you do decide to stay, then you need to be completely supportive but at the same time let her know that you will not stand for her to be dishonest with you. On the otherhand, if you dont think you can handle it, or don't want to, then leave now, because it will be harder for her if you just give up later on down the road and decide you cant support her anymore.

[Buckeyegal]

Your girlfriend broke your trust and lied to you...if her drug use is something that you cannot tolerate, then you'd be best of breaking the relationship now. I know others here are saying that you should be supportive of her, but unless she expresses a real desire to quit...for herself, not just to save the relationship, than you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak. I was once involved with an alcholic, so I know how you feel. You think that if you love them enough, if they loved you enough, that somehow you can miraculously "cure" them, however, it rarely works out that way.

 

By putting up with her lying and continued drug use, you're being codependent. You told her that this was unacceptable to you, you were upfront about it...yet she knows that she's getting away with it. People are telling you to be supportive of her...but you also need to be supportive of yourself, your heart. If you really care for her and envision a future together, then help her with the information that she needs to get help with her problem. But ultimatly, it's up to her to get that help...and if she shrugs off your concerns about her using drugs as no big deal, then if I were you, I'd walk away, cause it sure won't get any better. Love doesn't conquer all.

I appreciate the responces you have given. It's not that I'm looking for an excuse to leave her, but being involved with someone who does drugs is a real problem for me. If I'd have know of this from the begining, I would have not gotten involved in the first place. This matter is really about trust! Now lets say we were talking about sleeping around on someone: Your Sig Fig tells you or worse, you catch them in the act; you argue and get past it, but it "just happens again", then again? The point I'm trying to make is that everyone has a criteria as to the type of person they want to be with. Sure everyone has faults, but some faults can lead to bringing you down as well. I would respect her saying, "look honey, I do this every once and a while, but it's not a problem for me (yet). I know how you feel, but I enjoy it and it's up to you if you want to be with me under these conditions". I'd respect that more than lying to cover something up. If you have to lie about something anyway, isn't that a sure sign that what your doing is wrong in the first place? I'm having real problems with trust her. I'll try, as I've been doing, to help her with her problem, but now there are two... Drug use and mistrust! please advise.