I am at a loss....What do I do?

[AdviseMe]

I am a divorcee who remarried after retaining custody of my 12 yo daughter. My daughter has many issues due to an abandoning mother who recently resurfaced and tried to claim I denied visitation (in order to avoid back child support). I went to court and won again (The judge was very aware of what really happened). I have a young teen step daughter (hers) and a 6 yo son (ours)from my current marriage.

 

Anyway to my main point.

 

My wife simply hates me, her life, getting up in the morning, having my daughter in her home. Pretty much everything. I try as hard as I can, I walk on eggshells as does my daughter. The other children have no worries, they are treated fine by her. However they are aware of her temper and viciousness.

 

She views herself as a victim. She contantly complains about what she doesn't have and I work 12-14 hr. days to try and give her more....it's never enough. We live in a nice home and she doesn't have to work.

 

She divorced her husband yet talks to him all the time on the phone. She claims it is healthy for her daughter to know they get along but she talks to him for hours every week and seems to enjoy his company more than mine.

 

When we met, I was (not to sound ego oriented) very attractive and in great shape. An onset of a degenerative condition has affected my appearance( few extra pounds. 20-25) somewhat.Yet, She often comments on how attractive I am. (I think this is for my benefit).

 

My doctor says he is amazed I can get out of bed let alone work like I do.

However, I do it for my family despite the pain.

 

I am put down frequently by my wife in front of the children, strangers and whoever else happens to be near. If I defend myself by saying things like "Please don't talk to me that me. I don't talk to you that way" she will shout why are screaming at me?!? I don't deserve it and I won't take it!?!

(not an exaggeration this is really what happens).

 

I have told her that the children see how she treats me and her daughter is starting to do it to me also. If I correct her daughter about it, she flies into the room and asks her daughter what has happened. This is followed by additional berating by her saying I must be in the wrong, her daughter wouldn't say/do that.

She has even gone so far as to say in front of the kids "(insert her childs name) treats you this way because she thinks you are a loser, and I don't blame her.......you are"

 

Please don't take me the wrong way, I am not weak or a pushover. I stand up for myself but she escalates from 0-100 in a second flat. She seems to resent being challenged at all. She berates my daughter and breaks her down contantly. I can't think of the last time she said something nice to her (years). She refuses to let my daughter have the same things her daughter has because she says it isn't fair to let my daughter copy her daughter and not let her be her own person. This even applies to trendy things that all the kids have. MP3 players, shoes, clothes etc. So my daughter gets the things that are either out of style or not desired by her daughter.

 

She tells me that if I ever leave her, I will never see my son again. I have very litle family and we live near hers. She said she would say or do whatever she had to make me pay (financially) and her family would believe her over me and testify for her to any extreme.

 

The other point is her health. She is getting sick, she won't see a doctor I have scheduled several appointments which she cancels every time. She claims that if I cared, I would come up with a lot of money to cover any possible diagnosis.

She says she won't go until she can be certain we can afford whatever diagnosis may come even if it's something terminal or long-term. I have good insurance coverage but she still refuses to go to the doctor. She tells me that if I can't come through and be prepared for any contingency, she won't go and it will be my fault if she has waited too long. She says she will blame me and so will the children. She also reminds me that her ex-husband could get the money for his family if they needed it.

 

I am at a loss. I fear waking her in the mornings because the children and I will be berated and screamed at. The kids even warn each other to be quiet.

 

I know I have been all over the board and probably complained a bit too much but I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know if I have any love for her left. I see a different person than I fell in love with. She tries to get cuddly and wants to be intimate at her pleasure. I cringe many times when she touches me and I don't want to be touched even though she is beautiful woman. Occasionally I see her as she was when we met.

I don't think it is mental illness, there are no other symptoms. I also don't know if it is physical illness. She won't visit the doctor.

 

Sorry for the long post...

 

Help!

[quankanne]

how is she getting sick? some illnesses manifest themselves in depression or other emotional symptoms, so don't rule anything out without her having a full check-up from her doctor. If you must, tell her that your insurance coverage requires an annual check-up for continued renewal ... a lie, but that might spur her into action.

 

have you seen a counsellor for help yourself? This might be a good idea, because it sounds like you're trying to survive in an emotionally abusive situation, which neither you nor your children need. Getting her to a marriage counsellor may also help, but someone in her condition probably doesn't feel she doesn't have "problems," but everyone around her does.

 

look up resources online for help with emotional abuse, about how to move forward and to get help, because you sound as if you need a lifeline to get through this crisis in your marriage.

 

best of luck to you