My life is a mess!

[Cyndi]

When you read this, you probably won't like me very much but please keep in mind, I need advice not critizisim. I have totally screwed up my life and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I have been married for almost 11 years and I had an affair. I thought the grass might be greener on the other side and my husband filed for Divorce. He has told me he still loves me and wants to work things out with me but only after the Divorce is final. He will not drop the Divorce. I don't want the Divorce but I don't seem to have a choice. My affair is over and I want my hubby back in every way and I don't want to wait until after the Divorce. He says he needs healing time and I understand that but I feel like he would heal faster and easier if we were together so I could show him how good it will be and that I can be trusted again.

 

Can you help me?

[Kaz]

Hi

 

If he need healing time why not try a trial separation for a while men have this thing about needing space while they heal. Tell him to move out for a couple of months or something and then see how he feels. Try dating while you are separated so he can build up some trust in you. Good Luck.

When you read this, you probably won't like me very much but please keep in mind, I need advice not critizisim. I have totally screwed up my life and I don't know what to do about it. I have been married for almost 11 years and I had an affair. I thought the grass might be greener on the other side and my husband filed for Divorce. He has told me he still loves me and wants to work things out with me but only after the Divorce is final. He will not drop the Divorce. I don't want the Divorce but I don't seem to have a choice. My affair is over and I want my hubby back in every way and I don't want to wait until after the Divorce. He says he needs healing time and I understand that but I feel like he would heal faster and easier if we were together so I could show him how good it will be and that I can be trusted again. Can you help me?

[Cyndi]

Hi If he need healing time why not try a trial separation for a while men have this thing about needing space while they heal. Tell him to move out for a couple of months or something and then see how he feels. Try dating while you are separated so he can build up some trust in you. Good Luck.

It's already gone farther than that. Divorce is under way and we are separated. I want him to drop the Divorce but he says he needs the Divorce in order to heal. I am having a hard time understanding that.

 

This other man (the one I had the affair with) doesn't want to leave me alone and has been threatening me and I'm not sure what to do about that. I feel that if my husband and I got back together that would stop though. I just want my life back but I am afraid that's not ever going to happen.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Christie]

I don't get it. If he can file a divorce like that, I would assume that there's something going on in his personal life as well and your having an affair made it easier for him to put the blame on you. I don't know if I'm being pessimistic, but as far as I know, you don't just through marriage like that down the drain. Yes you made a mistake, but if he's willing to try to work things out with you, why insist on the divorce? The fact that he's being stubborn about the divorce is a bit fishy.

 

I know this sounds bad but when I was with my ex, I wanted to break up with him, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I just continued the relationship, which I know was because of my insecurities. Once he had an affair with somebody, I totally put the blame on him and broke up with him. He tried to work things out and wanted me back, but I was quite stubborn. I acted like that so I wouldn't feel guilty about the break-up, but honestly, I knew what I was doing.

 

So my concern is whether your husband's being honest about his emotions. If he's not, you're the one who's going to be hurt by trusting and waiting for him after the divorce.

[Cyndi]

I don't get it. If he can file a divorce like that, I would assume that there's something going on in his personal life as well and your having an affair made it easier for him to put the blame on you. I don't know if I'm being pessimistic, but as far as I know, you don't just through marriage like that down the drain. Yes you made a mistake, but if he's willing to try to work things out with you, why insist on the divorce? The fact that he's being stubborn about the divorce is a bit fishy. I know this sounds bad but when I was with my ex, I wanted to break up with him, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I just continued the relationship, which I know was because of my insecurities. Once he had an affair with somebody, I totally put the blame on him and broke up with him. He tried to work things out and wanted me back, but I was quite stubborn. I acted like that so I wouldn't feel guilty about the break-up, but honestly, I knew what I was doing. So my concern is whether your husband's being honest about his emotions. If he's not, you're the one who's going to be hurt by trusting and waiting for him after the divorce.

You have a point. I hadn't thought about that. I just don't know what to do though. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to give in just a little bit but he won't budge. I know his family has a lot to do with it because they are telling him that he can get custody of our child and the house and everything because I committed Adultery but I also have proof to use in Court that he has been abusive to the kids and I've tried to get him to get couselling but he hasn't. His family doesn't want to believe that he could ever be abusive, of course but regardless, I have been told that Adultery is not grounds to take a child away from the mother anyway. I think it's like a game with him. He just wants to see if he will win or not in Court but that is a very expensive game he is playing. I just feel all I can do now is wait and see what happens but it is driving me crazy.

[Christie]

Which is even worse! If he is calculating whether he will have custody over the children, this is a definite sign that he has NO INTENTION to try to work things out. I think you should really reexamine his actions and try to find out whether he is having an affair himself. By this point, sorry to say this but, I dont' think that there's any love left on his part. You should really act smart before you get really burned by him. I advise that you don't rely on his "try to work things out" talk, and prepare for the worse. If he's following what his family members are telling him to do, he's a coward who's not even worth it. Take a step back and try to see the situation...you'll see what he's doing to you. I don't think you should trust him.

[Cyndi]

Which is even worse! If he is calculating whether he will have custody over the children, this is a definite sign that he has NO INTENTION to try to work things out. I think you should really reexamine his actions and try to find out whether he is having an affair himself. By this point, sorry to say this but, I dont' think that there's any love left on his part. You should really act smart before you get really burned by him. I advise that you don't rely on his "try to work things out" talk, and prepare for the worse. If he's following what his family members are telling him to do, he's a coward who's not even worth it. Take a step back and try to see the situation...you'll see what he's doing to you. I don't think you should trust him.

I think you are right. Yesterday, I found out that he has been spending time with a woman in our neighborhood. I was told by one of the kids that she asked why I was at the house the other day when I wasn't supposed to be according to the Court Order. I let her know real quick, that is none of her business. My husband, of course denies that he has done anything but I also found out a couple of weeks ago he had her and her 2 kids over to our house to swim in our pool and they were having drinks. I am not stupid. Although it bothers me, it just really pisses me off that he is apparently doing the same thing that he is accuseing me of and I can't prove it. If I just just figure out some way of proving that, I could blow his case right out of the water. Any ideas? Please respond quickly, I am running out of time.

[kittykat]

Dear Cyndi:

 

Thanks for your response. You made a lot of good points. I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching this weekend. I attended my 25 year class reunion and had a really good talk with a cousin of mine whom I haven't seen for about 20 years, and who has gone through something similar to what you and I have. The difference, though, is that she wanted to work it out with her husband, and it sounds as though you do too. I hope very much that you can work it out before it goes to divorce. If your husband really loves you, you both should be able to work through it. It's going to take a lot of talking and trying to come to understand why the affair happened. Your husband should realize that you both need to take responsibility for what happened. There has to be a reason why it happened.

 

In my case though, I don't think I want to work it out with my husband. I know in my heart that I should get out. I'm just really scared to take that first step. I don't have a lot of self-confidence. My husband has taken care of that. I know that "Dan" may not work out either, and I can deal with that. At this point in this whole thing, I would be quite happy manless. If I were to divorce, I think I would want to live single and not bother with a man. I certainly don't need one. To be quite frank, I hate sex, so why would I want a man around? As far as companionship, I have several woman friends I can lean on.

 

Does this sound cold? Maybe it is but it's how I feel right now.

 

Anyway, back to you. I wish you the very best and hope a reconciliation is in the cards for you. Have you considered a marriage therapist. I have never been to one, but I think if you both want to try again, that something like that could be a big help to you.

 

Let me know how things are going. I'll keep watching for a response.

 

Regards,

 

Kittykat

[Cyndi]

Dear Cyndi: Thanks for your response. You made a lot of good points. I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching this weekend. I attended my 25 year class reunion and had a really good talk with a cousin of mine whom I haven't seen for about 20 years, and who has gone through something similar to what you and I have. The difference, though, is that she wanted to work it out with her husband, and it sounds as though you do too. I hope very much that you can work it out before it goes to divorce. If your husband really loves you, you both should be able to work through it. It's going to take a lot of talking and trying to come to understand why the affair happened. Your husband should realize that you both need to take responsibility for what happened. There has to be a reason why it happened. In my case though, I don't think I want to work it out with my husband. I know in my heart that I should get out. I'm just really scared to take that first step. I don't have a lot of self-confidence. My husband has taken care of that. I know that "Dan" may not work out either, and I can deal with that. At this point in this whole thing, I would be quite happy manless. If I were to divorce, I think I would want to live single and not bother with a man. I certainly don't need one. To be quite frank, I hate sex, so why would I want a man around? As far as companionship, I have several woman friends I can lean on. Does this sound cold? Maybe it is but it's how I feel right now. Anyway, back to you. I wish you the very best and hope a reconciliation is in the cards for you. Have you considered a marriage therapist. I have never been to one, but I think if you both want to try again, that something like that could be a big help to you. Let me know how things are going. I'll keep watching for a response. Regards, Kittykat

Dear KittyKat:

 

Thank you for writing me back. I appreciate your good wishes but there have been some new developments in my situation and I really don't think my husband and I will be getting back together. I just found out that the pot has been calling the kettle black. It bothers me that he has been seeing someone but I could deal with that and even forgive, hell, I've done the same thing but what really gets me is that he has given me so much hell for something that he is just as guilty of. I gave my husband a choice, an ultimatum actually. I told him if he loves me enough to work things out, he will drop the Divorce but if he goes through with the Divorce, I will not get back together with him after that. He says he wants to go ahead with the Divorce and then try to work things out and I told him to forget it. So That is that,I guess.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want a man either. Isn't there a club somewhere called the ex-wives club? HA! Maybe a Man's hater club. HA! If so Where do I sign up? I am just so over this crap. I am ready to get on with my life.

 

Please write back, I enjoy hearing from you.

 

Take Care,

 

Cyndi

[kittykat]

Hi Cyndi,

 

Well, good for you! You have made a stand. Isn't it ironic that he's been unfaithful to you, and yet he made you feel so guilty about what you had done. Boy, it takes two, doesn't it?

 

Where is he coming from when he says he wants a divorce first and then he'll try to work through it? Isn't that ass-backwards?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems to me like you have taken the first step to taking control and getting your life back. You know, there are so many women who are totally unhappy with where they are in their lives, but are guilted into staying. What gives any man the right to do that?

 

Some people will say that there's someone out there who is meant for you. I wonder about that. Most times lately I think women are better off without men. I think that as much as men and women today are trying to drop that old stereotype that men are better than women and men must control women, that this stereotype still exists. It's just covered up a little better. It's not so in-our-face. What do you think?

 

In my case, my husband has spent so much time over the years letting me know, subtly, that I won't be able to make it on my own, that I couldn't possibly maintain a home or a vehicle. He's been successful, I have to say. Deep in my heart, I know I could make it, but I'm having a really hard time getting to that point in my mind.

 

My greatest concern at this point is not for me, but for my children. They are 17 and 15, and although they do not get along with their father at all, they have also told me they don't want a split home. How do you deal with that? Do you hang in there for 3 more years until the youngest has graduated high school and is more stable emotionally and more on his own? I'm kind of thinking right now that that's what I need to do. Then there's no guilt at making the kids have to choose, no court fight for custody (because I know there would be).

 

Why do we get ourselves into these situations. You know, my mom and dad loved each other dearly. I never once heard one put the other down. They treated each other equally. Why can't you and I have that?

 

We probably shouldn't judge all men by our two, but then again, why not? There's probably more men out there who are like our two than men who are truly good at heart. Boy, sometimes I really sound bitter!

 

Please keep in touch Cyndi. It sounds like you and I have a lot in common.

 

Kittykat

[Christie]

Oh girl, what did I tell you? It was so clear from the beginning. People just don't act that stubborn unless there's a back up...it's just so human. But the problem is is that he is hiding his involvement with another woman. I mean, honestly, she might not be a big deal and it could have just been a friendly visit. But the fact that she asked why you were over is an indication that they have more than a friendship going on. I'm not saying that they are definitely in a relationship, but it seems a bit strange because unless and man and woman have some "feelings flowing", nobody would ask the child why their mother is over at the house...no matter what the reason is. It's just not a "friend" thing to do.

 

OK, how long have you two been separated? How long has this custody battle been going on? WHy is your husband already hanging out with another woman? Especially swimming together? I don't get it. I think it's really fishy and if your lawyer doesn't see it, then I think you should get a new one who can really argue about these things. Having an affair does not automatically disqualify you from keeping your children. There must be more reasons your husband is justifying his keeping the children. What kind of person is he? Is he a truly caring father? Or is he a dominant person? These are the issues that you can bring up to fight for your children. Since I don't know what kind of person you are, I can't really tell you whether you have a case here, but it seems like you do have a chance to fight.

 

Well, good luck!

[Cyndi]

Oh girl, what did I tell you? It was so clear from the beginning. People just don't act that stubborn unless there's a back up...it's just so human. But the problem is is that he is hiding his involvement with another woman. I mean, honestly, she might not be a big deal and it could have just been a friendly visit. But the fact that she asked why you were over is an indication that they have more than a friendship going on. I'm not saying that they are definitely in a relationship, but it seems a bit strange because unless and man and woman have some "feelings flowing", nobody would ask the child why their mother is over at the house...no matter what the reason is. It's just not a "friend" thing to do. OK, how long have you two been separated? How long has this custody battle been going on? WHy is your husband already hanging out with another woman? Especially swimming together? I don't get it. I think it's really fishy and if your lawyer doesn't see it, then I think you should get a new one who can really argue about these things. Having an affair does not automatically disqualify you from keeping your children. There must be more reasons your husband is justifying his keeping the children. What kind of person is he? Is he a truly caring father? Or is he a dominant person? These are the issues that you can bring up to fight for your children. Since I don't know what kind of person you are, I can't really tell you whether you have a case here, but it seems like you do have a chance to fight. Well, good luck!

Hi Christie:

 

Thank you for writing to me.

 

My husband and I have been seperated since April. He filed for Divorce and I file a family violence act against him with good reason. The Department of Family and Children's Services have investigated and have come to the conclusion that he has abused our child as well as his own by a previous marriage. The case worker will be testifying to that in Court. He now knows that he won't get custody but he's not dropping any of it. The big fight now is over our house. He wants it but if he can't have it he wants it to be sold. I want it and I am fighting for it. Our daughter has to live somewhere and the thing is it would not make any sense to sell because we had just refinanced and we have no equity in it now even though I have put about 8,000 of my own money into it fixing it up. If we sold it I wouldn't even get that back. Besides, I couldn't even get an apartment for what the house payment is. It just wouldn't make sense but you never know what the Judge will do. I think I have a good chance at getting everything though because I can prove without a doubt that he has abused our child. Him having and another woman isn't that big of a deal except it shows that he has defaulted our marriage in the same way he has accused me of but I don't think he started that until after we were seperated. He still says that there is nothing going on and he wants me back after the Divorce. He's just a Damn Idiot! I haven't had a chance to tell my attorney. I have an appt. to see him Tuesday and we have another Temporary Hearing on August 20th.

 

Write back!

 

Cyndi

[Cyndi]

Hi Cyndi, Well, good for you! You have made a stand. Isn't it ironic that he's been unfaithful to you, and yet he made you feel so guilty about what you had done. Boy, it takes two, doesn't it? Where is he coming from when he says he wants a divorce first and then he'll try to work through it? Isn't that ass-backwards? It seems to me like you have taken the first step to taking control and getting your life back. You know, there are so many women who are totally unhappy with where they are in their lives, but are guilted into staying. What gives any man the right to do that? Some people will say that there's someone out there who is meant for you. I wonder about that. Most times lately I think women are better off without men. I think that as much as men and women today are trying to drop that old stereotype that men are better than women and men must control women, that this stereotype still exists. It's just covered up a little better. It's not so in-our-face. What do you think? In my case, my husband has spent so much time over the years letting me know, subtly, that I won't be able to make it on my own, that I couldn't possibly maintain a home or a vehicle. He's been successful, I have to say. Deep in my heart, I know I could make it, but I'm having a really hard time getting to that point in my mind. My greatest concern at this point is not for me, but for my children. They are 17 and 15, and although they do not get along with their father at all, they have also told me they don't want a split home. How do you deal with that? Do you hang in there for 3 more years until the youngest has graduated high school and is more stable emotionally and more on his own? I'm kind of thinking right now that that's what I need to do. Then there's no guilt at making the kids have to choose, no court fight for custody (because I know there would be). Why do we get ourselves into these situations. You know, my mom and dad loved each other dearly. I never once heard one put the other down. They treated each other equally. Why can't you and I have that? We probably shouldn't judge all men by our two, but then again, why not? There's probably more men out there who are like our two than men who are truly good at heart. Boy, sometimes I really sound bitter! Please keep in touch Cyndi. It sounds like you and I have a lot in common. Kittykat

Dear KittyKat:

 

If you get the chance, read my latest posting to Christie it tells the latest in my saga. My husband is acting like such the wounded puppy and it makes me sick. He swears there is nothing going on with this other woman and I just can't believe that. He gets so offended when I say anything about it but he's forgetting I've already been through all of that. I reconize the signs. Like the old saying goes "You can't Con a Con". I see that he is behaving the same way I did. I think it's pretty funny because it seems the roles are reversed and I can legitimately give him Hell now. By the way, he doesn't like it too much, I can tell. I'll keep you posted. So tell me what's going on with you?

 

Write back as soon as possible.

 

Take care,

 

Cyndi

[Christie]

Why does he keep on telling you that he wants you back after the divorce? then why even separate? Don't believe what he's saying! If he wants you back, why would he take away a home when he knows that you can't provide yourself with one. The more I hear about him, the worse it gets. Just see what your lawyer can do because it seems so far that s/he is doing a good job. Good luck!

[Cyndi]

Why does he keep on telling you that he wants you back after the divorce? then why even separate? Don't believe what he's saying! If he wants you back, why would he take away a home when he knows that you can't provide yourself with one. The more I hear about him, the worse it gets. Just see what your lawyer can do because it seems so far that s/he is doing a good job. Good luck!

Hi

 

I know you are right. I saw my lawyer yesterday and he said hopefully this Divorce will be over in October. I can't understand why my husband is insisting on the Divorce if he wants to be with me either. It just blows my mind but I told him it will not happen and he needs to get a clue. He wants this Divorce so he needs to let go.

 

Anyway, write me back when you can I enjoy hearing from you. Take care,

[kittykat]

Hi Cyndi, sorry I haven't responded for a few days. I have been fairly busy.

 

You know, I really admire you. You have the courage to do what you must. I wish I had half that courage. I am so scared to do what I know I should do. Here's the lastest of me. As you know, my kids are 17 and 15. They both have part time jobs. I think that's pretty good for them. Well, we are so broke that my kids are having to buy their own school clothes. Imagine that, having to buy your own school clothes when you are still living at home. This really hurts me tremendously, but it doesn't bother him at all. I mean not at all, in fact, he expects them to do it, no questions asked. Why should they have to spend their money on school clothes? Isn't that a parent's duty? I don't have a problem with them buying extras here and there if there is something they really want, but to buy the essentials is too much. It breaks my heart that my kids have to do this, but I simply cannot afford to do it for them. Hell, last week I couldn't buy hardly any groceries because even after pay day, we were so broke that if I would have bought what I normally do, the cheque would have bounced. But, hey, he's got his fancy motorcycle, and he's going to the big motorcycle rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. Well, that's way more important than putting food on the table or clothes on your kids' backs. Stupid me for thinking otherwise!

 

If I had a spine at all, I would stand up for myself and my kids and say "enough." But instead, I keep it all to myself and say nothing and totally hate him and my life. I keep telling myself I need to hang on for only 3 years, but sometimes I wonder if I can. I had a heart to heart with a cousin of mine a couple of weeks ago. She told me that if he has what he wants, then I should get what I want. But how do you accomplish that when you are way to broke to do anything but struggle to survive. How do you do that when he makes you feel so very guilty for saying "I want."

 

I know that trying to have an affair was not the right thing to do. I am living with that secret. I think in the back of my mind that part of the reason I did it was to have something of my own that he couldn't take from me. Regardless, I am putting that aspect of my life behind me and leading a very clean life so at least he cannot use that against me. I know I have to find the courage somehow to do what I know I must do, not only for me but for my kids too. He has no respect for me or for them. He talks to us like we are stupid, not so much what he says but how he says it, you know. I feel so completely alone. I have no one I can talk to except for you. I don't want to burden my family with my problems. They are my problems, not theirs.

 

Please talk to me Cyndi. I just need a shoulder to cry on right now. I realize you have a mountain of your own problems, and I'm sorry if I'm burdening you with mine.

[Cyndi]

Hi Cyndi, sorry I haven't responded for a few days. I have been fairly busy. You know, I really admire you. You have the courage to do what you must. I wish I had half that courage. I am so scared to do what I know I should do. Here's the lastest of me. As you know, my kids are 17 and 15. They both have part time jobs. I think that's pretty good for them. Well, we are so broke that my kids are having to buy their own school clothes. Imagine that, having to buy your own school clothes when you are still living at home. This really hurts me tremendously, but it doesn't bother him at all. I mean not at all, in fact, he expects them to do it, no questions asked. Why should they have to spend their money on school clothes? Isn't that a parent's duty? I don't have a problem with them buying extras here and there if there is something they really want, but to buy the essentials is too much. It breaks my heart that my kids have to do this, but I simply cannot afford to do it for them. Hell, last week I couldn't buy hardly any groceries because even after pay day, we were so broke that if I would have bought what I normally do, the cheque would have bounced. But, hey, he's got his fancy motorcycle, and he's going to the big motorcycle rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. Well, that's way more important than putting food on the table or clothes on your kids' backs. Stupid me for thinking otherwise! If I had a spine at all, I would stand up for myself and my kids and say "enough." But instead, I keep it all to myself and say nothing and totally hate him and my life. I keep telling myself I need to hang on for only 3 years, but sometimes I wonder if I can. I had a heart to heart with a cousin of mine a couple of weeks ago. She told me that if he has what he wants, then I should get what I want. But how do you accomplish that when you are way to broke to do anything but struggle to survive. How do you do that when he makes you feel so very guilty for saying "I want." I know that trying to have an affair was not the right thing to do. I am living with that secret. I think in the back of my mind that part of the reason I did it was to have something of my own that he couldn't take from me. Regardless, I am putting that aspect of my life behind me and leading a very clean life so at least he cannot use that against me. I know I have to find the courage somehow to do what I know I must do, not only for me but for my kids too. He has no respect for me or for them. He talks to us like we are stupid, not so much what he says but how he says it, you know. I feel so completely alone. I have no one I can talk to except for you. I don't want to burden my family with my problems. They are my problems, not theirs. Please talk to me Cyndi. I just need a shoulder to cry on right now. I realize you have a mountain of your own problems, and I'm sorry if I'm burdening you with mine.

Hi KittyKat:

 

I am sorry it has taken my so long to write back. I have been so busy. I know what you mean about not being able to buy school clothes. I asked my ex-husband to give me some money to get my daughter a few things 2 weeks ago and he said no problem but then he never came through. I ended up having to borrow from my parents. I just keep thinking, it's just got to get better. I appreciate the kind words you said about me being strong but I'm really not, I just do what I have to in order to survive and actually you are doing the very same thing. If anyone has strength it's you. You have sacrificed your happines for the important people in your life and that is admirable. I don't think I could do that. I guess I'm just too selfish but in my case, my being miserable was making my kids miserable as well. Have you asked your kids about it? Do you know how that would feel if you and your husband divorced? You might be surprised. I'm not trying to pursuade you in any direction, I just wonder if maybe they would be happier if you were.

 

I have something very interesting I would like to send you, via e-mail. It's alot of fun. Please e-mail me with your e-mail address (And if anyone else reading this would like it, send me you e-mail address and I will be glad to forward it.) It's a very short quiz, with amazing results in the end!

 

Well, please write back soon, take care,

 

Cyndi

[kittykat]

Hi Cyndi,

 

My e-mail is [email protected]

 

Let me know as soon as you get this. I want to delete my e-mail address as soon as you do. I am very careful about things like that.

 

Talk to you soon.

 

Kittykat