Say something or not?

[michaelk]

There's a woman at work who I have a crush on. We've worked together for over a year. I've never approached her before because I am her supervisor.

 

Now she's been laid off (through no action of mine). Since she's leaving the company, I am tempted to tell her how I feel. But it seems futile, because she's moving hundreds of miles away to take a new job. I've kept this pent up for so long that I just feel this need to get it off my chest.

 

What to do....

[thromback]

It depends how much you like her.. If you like her a real lot then maybe you should tell her. I don't know what you could do thoug. Unless, she's willing to find a job closer so you guys can still see each other. It's really up to you. If you dont tell her though you cant say, "at least I tried," because you didn't then.

[justagirl64]

Hello Michael,

 

I think you have been very resiliant not to say anything till now, but its time to share your feelings in some way, because you may never see her again, and you will always think back to the time when you could have expressed yourself in some special way but did not.

 

Do it for yourself and for her. She will feel relieved and feel special when you make the effort to be honest.

 

It does not have to be entirely a verbal action. Sometimes deeds speak to the heart much more than words. For instance, you could get her a parting gift with a hand written card (she would think that a very special gesture) or perhaps you could ring her desk phone (even if you are in the next office) and tell how special it was to work with her and wish her the best of luck. She will always remember how in the end you pulled through. And you will remember it to.

 

You never know what may come of your actions. The future is uncertain, but at least you liberated her from uncertainty and yourself from repressed feelings. GO FOR IT.

[michaelk]

JustAGirl64, I like your idea of a parting gift. I hadn't thought of that, and it seems like a nice way to say what I want to say.

 

One other thing that makes this difficult is, having been her boss for over a year, I know she has respect for me. But is there anything else there? And how likely is it for a woman to go from feeling respect to something more personal? I'm afraid I'm cast in the 'boss' role in her mind, and not likely to break out of that. (Sort of like the 'I see you as a friend' syndrome.)

[justagirl64]

Hello Michael

 

Re your co-worker. Trust me, if you have had a crush on her for a year, you would know by now if she DID NOT like it. Odds are, she is very professional, and she would not want to jeopardize neither her position, nor yours. You seem a very professional man and my guess is you have attracted someone much like yourself. So, relax, she probably shakes at the knees at the mere sight of you. Believe me, she will be over the moon if you showed her a glimpse of what you have been feeling. As for upping the tempo, well.....this is a bit confusing from the same guy who said 'character' building is just an excuse for an extra-martial affair! ('Married guy' entry).

 

This is the way I see things....being immensly attracted to someone else (real affectionate attraction, not just sleaze) is not something just to be ignored or brushed off. That person is in your life for a reason. The reason is up to you to discover, and sometimes, you need to communicate. The intense physical attraction you have for someone else is catalyst to uncover more about yourself. How else could you be a better husband than to know yourself ultimately. You are just kidding yourself if you think that repressing feelings for someone else is going to set you free from guilt. I know.....its a huge steep hill....but one step at a time buddy...soon you will see it from the top.

[justagirl64]

P.S. - I dont mean to sound condescending or anything like that....it's just that being true to yourself is the ultimate thing anyone should strive for, and I for one am still learning to be a that place too.

[justagirl64]

Actually on re-reading your post, maybe I misunderstood your actual question...in that you are not sure if she feels more than friendship? I would add, if she's keen to pass by you first thing in the morning and last thing at night - she is definitely there. If she is uncertain, she will be responsive to all your requests in a polite but receptive manner but will not hang around. If she does not like you, she does not make eye contact with you other than to acknowledge a request, she doesn't pass by, she is friendly but there isnt a sparkle in her eye.

[justagirl64]

Hi MichealK

 

I hope it all ended well - re your co-worker....do you feel better about the whole thing?

[michaelk]

Thanks for checking back with me. For various reasons I decided that I wanted to express my feelings, but not in a way that would put either of us 'on the spot'. I took your suggestion and on her last day I gave her a parting gift with a hand-written card. She was surprised and happy, but didn't open it immediately.

 

When she did open the gift, she emailed me to tell me how much she liked it and confessed that she had always seen me as more of a friend than a boss. Since then, we've exchanged a few emails and that's all. She's moved from the area, so I doubt I'll see her anytime soon.

 

Anyway, I think her response was pretty clear. I'm glad to know that she saw our relationship as more than just boss/employee. And I think this is the best possible outcome. If she had admitted to feeling more than friendship, it would have been difficult to act on it. In the end, I'm just glad for having known her.

[justagirl64]

Wow, I'm impressed! There is hope for the male species after all...OK...maybe that's pushing it a bit. Really though, your response made my evening. You ventured into unchartered territory and most guys would really have just left it where it was, particularly regarding the fact that you might never see her again....do you feel it was worthwhile? From what you described, I felt as if she would be very relieved that you consider her in such a way.

 

There is just something I don't get about the male physche...perhaps you can shed some light on why nothing can ever be said or acknowledged....for fear of ....(what exactly???)....disrupting the status quo? Can you (please) enlighten me on this from a man's perspective.... I mean, for a man (married or otherwise) to acknowledge that someone means more to him than just another mindless 'heart-throb' seems to be associated with so much guilt or fear of loss. Perhaps men, unlike (most) women, can switch something off inside when they have intense feelings for someone. I know I can't just flick a switch nor can I proceed as if everything was the same as yesterday.

[michaelk]

....do you feel it was worthwhile? From what you described, I felt as if she would be very relieved that you consider her in such a way.

 

Yes, I do feel it was worthwhile. When I was her boss I did the 'right thing', but was finally able to express myself in the end. Now she knows, and to me that feels much better than regret, which would have been the alternative.

 

And yes, I do think it was positive from her perspective, too. She said that she liked the card I gave her even more than the gift, and that what I wrote had really boosted her confidence.

 

Can you (please) enlighten me on this from a man's perspective.... I mean, for a man (married or otherwise) to acknowledge that someone means more to him than just another mindless 'heart-throb' seems to be associated with so much guilt or fear of loss.

 

Well, just because I'm a man doesn't mean I understand why other men do what they do. Speaking for myself, I think ego is a big part of it, although I don't mean "ego" in a bad way. The way a man is perceived by his peers and by himself is very important. It really affects his ability to function in the world. So opening yourself up to someone else is a risk, and isn't something you do unless you're pretty confident that you're going to come out of it with your ego intact.

 

Also, I find that I'm not nearly as focused on emotions as most women I know. It doesn't usually occur to me that I should tell a woman, friend or otherwise, how I feel about her. I assume that it's obvious by the fact that I choose to spend time with her instead of someone else. I know this isn't what many women want, but it's how my brain seems to be wired. Expressing emotion takes serious effort and focus!

 

Perhaps men, unlike (most) women, can switch something off inside when they have intense feelings for someone. I know I can't just flick a switch nor can I proceed as if everything was the same as yesterday.

 

I don't know that it's a matter of switching feelings off. I suspect men generally don't feel as strongly as women. I'm venturing into delicate territory here, but I imagine that your inability to ignore your emotions is akin to the male inability to ignore his sex drive. It's just something in each of our natures.

 

I'm not sure how well any of this answers your question. If you want more specifics, I'll do my best to help.

[justagirl64]

Thank-you, you have actually answered my questions in a manner which I understand.

 

I guess deep down I want to believe that many men also experience the spark of a deep connection (over and above the usual 'physical' stuff) early on in the piece. Is this fair?

 

And I would like to believe that when they do they can at least acknowledge it to themselves without undermining it. Unfortunately I think it is only with time and maturity that many men learn to impart their feelings in a manner which inspires and builds rather than suppresses and ultimately destroys, in situations which would otherwise compromise positions. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself fully but at the end of the day, I think gratitude and honesty with oneself (which, unfortunately, generally come with age) are the precursors to expression. I think I have answered the question I was about to ask.

[michaelk]

I guess deep down I want to believe that many men also experience the spark of a deep connection (over and above the usual 'physical' stuff) early on in the piece. Is this fair?

 

I think anyone can feel a 'spark' early on, but the deep connection part is another matter. My opinion is that any feelings you have early on are based on mostly on the superficial, and that a real deep connection is only possible over time. Even in the situation I wrote about here, it was only after working with this woman for months that I felt anything 'deep' for her.

 

Unfortunately I think it is only with time and maturity that many men learn to impart their feelings in a manner which inspires and builds rather than suppresses and ultimately destroys, in situations which would otherwise compromise positions.

 

Everyone does a better job of handling such situations once they've got some experience to work from, regardless of gender. I'm 40, and I don't think I could have followed the card/gift suggestion at 20. As for how people behaving when 'compromising positions' are at stake, I can't say, since I don't really understand what you're alluding to here. Sorry.

[justagirl64]

Thanks once again michaelk for your insights... IT SUDDENLY HIT ME this morning!!! I have worked this one out FINALLY! Everything suddenly became crystal clear. I know exactly where I stand on this and I think I have a pretty good idea about where he is at.

 

I now only need to decide how this will play out from my end as I will still be seeing him occassionally, or not at all if that is the way it will close. Not easy but will work on it from a place of understanding now.

 

Thankyou! I guess I have been in your situation also at work. It is very easy to fall into this scenario when you are seeing someone everyday, the fire and romance have a chance to build until literally it becomes difficult to distinguish what is 'real'. I found that in the end, like yourself, it was an honor just to work with the person and feel totally grateful to be given such an opportunity to share in someone's 'dreams' if you will. This is so much more lasting and has greater impact in my opinion as the memory of what remains is intact and unspoiled. In my case however, I was not yet at the place I am now (maturity) and so we lost contact.

[michaelk]

I'm happy you seem to have gained some clarity on your situation, and I'm glad for whatever little help I was able to give. Best wishes for a positive outcome!

[justagirl64]

Thanks....if you are willing to discuss it, do you think much about how your feelings for someone else could impact on your feelings for your current relationship? For me, at first I kept feelings very separate. I went to work, I came home. 2 separate places, 2 separate parts of my life. After the episode I described above finished, I still refused to believe that it impacted my current situation in anyway, and on a physical level this was pretty much the case. But overtime, I have had to admit to myself that my feelings have changed, and now I feel I have come to a real cross-road in my current relationship.

[michaelk]

Sure, I'm more than happy to discuss it with you. But I think we've reached the point where we're monopolizing public forums with a private conversation. How about you email me? I'm [email protected].