Facing Facts...The Ex Has Moved On.

[In Sync]

Yes, I'm coming to closer to the cold hard fact. While I'm crying and struggling to understand all the endless whys...the truth is brutal. He's moved on. Though I'm commiting to NC, the truth is he's moved on, he's over me and he's not looking back. I've bargained with God, asked the Devil, cried a zillion tears, but he's well past me. I read something that made me realize another fact. If he broke up with me in April, then mentally he ended it at least 2 months before. See what I'm saying folks, most of our ex's have checked out of the relationships we have built up long before they actually dropped the axe. Which shed light on why they were able to move on so quickly.

 

But there are more facts, here. I am a kind, descent, loving intelligent person.

I am emotionally beautiful as well as physically. He saw those facts about me and decided he didn't want it. And after viewing that prior list of all the things I won't miss about the ex (made me dumbstruck to see how much we've all wasted our energy on people who could care a rat's ass about us)

Time to shift gears...and appreciate and honour my own uniqueness. The fact is if somebody loves me, they would not have treated me in any of the ways I described that the ex treated me and I would not have allowed it.

[NoFaith05]

The only person our ex's ever loved was themselves.

 

I had to break up with a girl once (I've been dumped 3 times now) and I know this girl loved me. But the relationship was just not working out- we were making each other very unhappy- but she couldn't see that. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do- but I did not lie to her, and I was NEVER cold or mean towards her. That is just inhuman. The ex's who broke up with me were unbelievably selfish and mean. It really burns me up inside.

 

Just a note: the girl I had to break up with? Her and I are still good friends to this day, and there are no hard feelings between us. The others? I have never talked to them again- and pretty much hate their guts.

[teethbrushes]

what you guys are saying about "our exes" isn't always true.

[Art_Critic]

what you guys are saying about "our exes" isn't always true.

 

Sometimes it helps to demonize your ex..

 

If you constantly look at all the good points while you are hurting you will never recover..

[cynicalnlove]

what you guys are saying about "our exes" isn't always true.

 

 

You are right, we don't know your exes. We only know and judge the situation base on the facts that you give us. Naturally, we are going to take what is written in this forum, since I somewhat sees this as a group therapy for the broken hearted.

[In Sync]

what you guys are saying about "our exes" isn't always true.

 

 

Excuse me for asking, but please tell me what you mean by this? I mean if you are with your bf/ gf...then obviously they are with you and they are not your ex. Ergo they haven't moved on. But if your ex hasn't called you and they are going about their lives without you (I emphasize without you, which might include dating and doing activities without you) what am I saying that is not true. Whether your ex is an angel or not, my point is they have chosen the road to not be with you. That's movin' on in my book.

This is not demonizing them... this is saying bluntly they are choosing to be without you. A fact is a fact.

[Natalie05]

The stages of recovery (and you can be stuck in one stage then move on to the next then jump back to the first stage, etc......).

 

1. Anger - you broke up and you're pissed and mad. Screw them.

2. Shock - relationship ends, you're in disbelief think maybe in a week they'll call and everything will be ok again. Did we really end it this time?

3. Fear - "Oh no! - did we really break up for good?" It's been a few weeks and you haven't heard from them you do a 360 and start wondering what the ex is doing - why hasn't he/she called by now?

4. Obsession - what are they doing, where are they, how could they end it or (if you ended it) - is this the right thing? What if I screwed up? What if no one else loves me or comes along. You go into fatal attraction mode obsessing and thinking way too much. Everything reminds you of your ex.

5. You suddenly want back what you had. This is the danger zone here - you might suddenly call them, want to send emails or letters, etc. You can lose your marbles during this particular stage and think you'll do anything to get them back. This is where you have to stop yourself at all costs. This stage is the longest......you hate them-it's over, you miss them more than life and want them back - you yo-yo and obsess and drive yourself bonkers.

6. Light at the end of the tunnel. After stage 5 and 5-6 months has passed you suddenly start laughing again and then catch yourself going for more than an hour without thinking about your ex.

7. You no longer have obsessive desires to contact your ex - you actually start thinking "What the hell did I ever see in them?". You start feeling better and your friends welcome you back to reality.

8. You know if you ran into your ex you wouldn't shake at the knees and become irrational - you'd either avoid them or say "Hi, I'd love to chat but I've gotta be somewhere in five minutes - SEE YA!".

9. You can go out for margaritas and enjoy looking at the opposite sex!

10. You can look back at photos of your ex and not think twice - instead you pack up their memories, store them away and think of other things you need to do instead of sit crying over them.

[Art_Critic]

The stages of recovery (and you can be stuck in one stage then move on to the next then jump back to the first stage, etc......).

 

Nice post Natalie05

 

.. if it was only as easy as it sounds in your steps..

[In Sync]

5. You suddenly want back what you had. This is the danger zone here - you might suddenly call them, want to send emails or letters, etc. You can lose your marbles during this particular stage and think you'll do anything to get them back. This is where you have to stop yourself at all costs. This stage is the longest......you hate them-it's over, you miss them more than life and want them back - you yo-yo and obsess and drive yourself bonkers.

6. Light at the end of the tunnel. After stage 5 and 5-6 months has passed you suddenly start laughing again and then catch yourself going for more than an hour without thinking about your ex.

 

I think I'm at the tail end of #5 and beginnings of #6.

Can't wait till I get to #9.

[Natalie05]

Those steps are NOT as easy as they sound - trust me - I've been thru all of them. I got stuck in several stages and relapsed many times. It sounds easy reading them but each stage can take days or weeks (or months as in Stages 4 & 5 which I got stuck on forever (seemed like forever).

 

Breaking up is easy - deciding that is truly is over is the hardest part. You just gotta grieve and let it run it's course. Remember you will get over your ex - it won't go on forever!!!!

[In Sync]

deciding that is truly is over is the hardest part.

 

No truer words have been written. I've made the decision that I have to face facts in order to move on. The more I avoided it, is when I (sad to admit, nurtured deep inside me the fantasy that he'll come back in my life.) Just putting that out there allows me to stop it! And really make an effort to stop lying to myself, "No He's Not Coming Back...now stop contemplating writing him."

If I don't make efforts I'll stay stuck in this eternal suffering and feel lost. I can't keep going on like that...it's pointless, my suffering is not going to bring him back.

[JohnJohn]

If I don't make efforts I'll stay stuck in this eternal suffering and feel lost. I can't keep going on like that...it's pointless, my suffering is not going to bring him back.

 

Ok so what efforts are you making? And everyone else? Correct me if I am wrong, but it still appears you have that "fantasy" that you mentioned of him coming back. Is this true? Or are you making a generalized statement?

 

True....your suffering will not bring him back. But for the love of Pete, why would you possibly want him back? I've read your threads and I can't for the life of me figure out why you'd want someone that was so vile back in your life. Channel your efforts on regaining your self-esteem, which he has undeniably destroyed. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I'd like to see you get past this. You claim yourself to be emotionally and physically beautiful. I don't doubt you. Then don't you deserve MUCH better? Why are you clinging on to that hope of him possibly coming back? If you don't let that go, then you'll be stuck in the quicksand that you are in forever.

[In Sync]

Ok so what efforts are you making? And everyone else? Correct me if I am wrong, but it still appears you have that "fantasy" that you mentioned of him coming back. Is this true? Or are you making a generalized statement?

 

True....your suffering will not bring him back. But for the love of Pete, why would you possibly want him back? I've read your threads and I can't for the life of me figure out why you'd want someone that was so vile back in your life. Channel your efforts on regaining your self-esteem, which he has undeniably destroyed. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I'd like to see you get past this. You claim yourself to be emotionally and physically beautiful. I don't doubt you. Then don't you deserve MUCH better? Why are you clinging on to that hope of him possibly coming back? If you don't let that go, then you'll be stuck in the quicksand that you are in forever.

 

 

Noooo, JohnJohn...of course I don't want him back. I'm just making a decision that in order to get over him I must include facing facts. About what the relationship was, what it is not and even the hidden ugly secret that deep within I probably harbor illusions about wanting to still be with him. I've no doubt that some heartbreaks are mired in addiction (my case as bendit once pointed out) Yes that ex was vile (and I have no problems with you reminding me of that because it forces me to come back to reality and not put him on this "he had good qualities" pedastal, well he mmay have good qualities, but he didn't have them with me, so the more you are harsh the better. Yet at the same time, the mind, my mind will have me in my moments of vulnerability thinking exactly the opposite. That's like an alcoholic who knows drinking is bad they know they are capable of having a weak moment and if they give in....I can not allow myself the notion that he may come back to me either.

 

So what effort am I making? For one thing refocusing my energgies on my acting a career. I'm immersed in a new play, which I am happy to say allows me to shine in another area. I'm reading some books to help change my outlook "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins and "It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken." Also since my mom's passing I have been doing sunday visits to here church and checking in on my spirituality.

[JohnJohn]

Good to hear. I know it's normal to have setbacks now and then, but as long as you are trending towards recovery then that's what matters. I just don't want to see you stuck in that obsessive phase (numbers 4 & 5 from Natalie's list above) for too long and not be able to get back out. That seems to be the worst phase and the hardest to escape from.

[In Sync]

JohnJohn and Everyone,

Getting over these broken relationships are a b***h and a half. Especially if the circumstances left you with little self-esteem. Truly if it had ended with respect from the dumper perhaps I would be able to overcome it without the mental baggage. But when people you've invested your emotional energy pull the plug, and not only end it but laced with malice it's really quite painful, the mind wants so much to get away from the reality of the situation and denial and building fantasy about how things were takes the edge off that pain, but at the end of the day I can't see how clinging on to the fantasy, the hope the fact...that person is out of my life. I know the hardest part of letting go is still before..if it were easy I sure as hell would not be here spilling my guts out like this.