together 10 years,another man, living in paradise

[phrekmon]

My Wife came home from work saturday and said she didnt want to be married anymore that she needed space and to be able to support herself and my 16 year old step daughter, she says its not the other man but i have caught her talking to her x boyfriend(2 years ago but i didnt know about till 6 months ago)but 2 years ago she also didnt want to be married and i had thought we had worked through it,Well 6 months ago i started a new job and day one on the job guess who shows up at my job ? yep the x but i didnt know he was, he said he was an old friend and would like to talk to her.(i was secure in my relationship and gave him both home and her work number, she did come home that night and tell me who he was but not to worry i love you and dont want him, one week later i stopped by her work and guess whos sitting there ? yep the x, i made no trouble and left, we argued, discussed,cryed, her promising no contact with him and my self to work on being more romantic,less critical of out daughter etc..i did more of what e wanted and she says she has had no contact.a little background, we live on maui for 5 years now, the boyfriend was off/on 14 years ago, both of them grew up here i transpanted 5 years ago at her insistence to spend more time with her ailling parents, today is monday so shes been gone since saturday, i am very much in love with her,she gave me 2 cards 30 days ago that said sorry for what ive done to us and you and i would never leave you.we met tonight after work to talk about the direction we were both about to take, she said she needs space (married but seperated not seeing anyone else) that its not about the x, she agreed to go to councelling together while the she moves out,she has lied to me in the past about money, do i believe her again or turn off my emotions (if i can) and try and go on, she knows i have trust issues with her and admits she doesnt know why she lies but always tells me shell try not to do it, oh overdrew the bank account 500.00 saturday and sunday, i canceled the debit cards and think i can control the money long enough for the outstanding checks to clear, and have opened my own account, i hurt so bad and dont want to give up but i am kinda tired of feeling like a doormat , any advise ? thanks dennis

[phrekmon]

ok, its the morning after my first post and i was hoping someone would say something before i got up,i think im loosing my mine, the ache in my heart is like nothing ive felt before,ive been reading all these posts and from what i can gather is that most times when the spouse asks for "space" its usually because there is someone in the wings waiting (how true is this?)(she also says the OM is not even in picture/no contact)i also got the dreaded "i'll always love you im just not in love with you" its like time is at a standstill the hours drag by,ready for the day to be over "for what" to go home to an empty house ? well not really i have 2 cats a dog and a parrot all which she had to have but now the animals are disposible, am i also disposible too ?this is the first time in well over 10 years i have been "by myself" i dont know if what im feeling is the ache of not having my baby here or being scared of doig this alone( i have no family left alive so you see she really is all ive got) she moved in with here parents (who have sided with me )and they told her she has till dec.1 to find a place to live, in the meantime i am going to keep her on my healthcare ins. and pay all the bills till i find my own place (cannot afford it till maybe the end of dec.)thing is if i dont get some rest soon i dont know how much longer i can function, ive slept a total of 2-3 hours in the last 3 nights my mind just keeps on going and going and going, i do have a appt. with a therapist on nov. 30th (just me) but will be trying to find someone for us to talk to together (she had told me around 6 months ago that she was the one who needed to talk to someone but she never followed through and i didnt push the issue) most of the posts/advice i read say that i shouldnt pressure her but i dont think im strong enough to just sit back and let it run its course then 1. she will return to me and work on our marriage or 2. our marriage is over. i feel as though if i let it run its course i will force myself to totally withdraw from her so i dont hurt anymore and once that happens why get back into the relationship only to get hooked again, oh ya i have never cheated on her, we are both on our 2nd marriage my last (14 years/her 6 years) she was the last person i cheated with on in my last marriage and she was divorced already when we met( it must be karma for me) which i can live with, does anyone have the stats on how many marriages make it after seperation ? should i try and cut ties and get on with my life ? the things she is doing will not be easy for her, she will need to get a second job to support herself, ok im rambling and time to get up for work thanks for listening, any advise would be great, dennis

[Trimmer]

Dennis - I don't need to tell you that you're in h*ll right now. But hear me: it gets better. I'm not saying that your situation is the same as anyone else's, but one thing that seems to be similar with all of us is that you start out in a horrible pit of despair, but it definitely gets better, although it is a rollercoaster ride getting there. So in that respect, if you can do nothing else, just trust me and hang on - there will be a time in the future when you feel better. At first, you may only recognize it in small bits - a few minutes when you can feel a little calmer, or remember yourself happy, or imagine a good future. Cherish those moments and remember them, and over time, those moments will get a little longer, the feelings will become a little more solid, you'll feel them more deeply, etc... You may still get down between them, but you'll know what the good ones feel like, and that will help you get through the down times. And after being so far down, even the little good feelings can feel so good, it's amazing...

 

So, the first thing is to hang on, trust that it will get better.

 

Second, things are going to be different in your life. I have come to believe that some of the anguish we feel during these times comes from the pain of trying to hold on to our image of the past, and the difficulty of accepting that the future must be different. Once you accept that things are going to change - without even yet having to define that change - it gets a little easier to release your death-grip on the past and move into the future. And this idea that the future will be different doesn't have to be a bad thing - you may end up splitting up, but you may end up getting back together and repairing things, too. Either way, if you accept that the result will be different from any place you have been so far, it will help you to accept whatever happens. It's a little new-agey, but it worked for me...

 

And finally, your theme, your philosophy, your mantra must become "take care of myself." Even as you wish to "do whatever it takes" to repair your marriage, your primary tool in doing this will be to repair yourself first. Aside from making yourself feel better, it will also have the benefit of making yourself a more attractive partner, in the best way possible.

 

So, make sure you take care of yourself physically - you need to make sure you eat, sleep, exercise, get fresh air, etc... You don't sound like you are getting good sleep - man without this, everything else goes spiralling down, so please do your best to allow yourself to turn it off for a while. It will all still be there in the morning.

 

Then (while you are awake) in the short term, take care of yourself emotionally. The fact that you are going to see a counselor is a really good idea. I have done the same, and I have found that talking stuff out is really helpful - I actually feel like I have "released" a lot of the bad stuff once I talk about it, and this helped me with the sleep issues... In the short term, before the appointment, is there a friend or someone like that who you can talk to in confidence, just to get some moral support? (Suggestion: don't try to use her family for this - as supportive as they may seem, it is likely to complicate things....)

 

And finally, in the longer term, take care of youself in a life/lifestyle sense. Work on youself, be a little selfish. Has there ever been a time in your marriage where you wanted - or needed - to be selfish? Tap into that a little bit and allow yourself to work on you for a while. You'll see this advice all over LS, and I believe for good reason. This focuses your energy in an area that you have control over, and results in building up a stronger "self" that you will carry with you into the future, no matter what happens with the current situation.

 

Dennis, I won't insult you by saying I know exactly how you're feeling, but I do know how low I went; I was in that horrible place, too. In my case, I didn't worry about my own survival, but my agony was that I couldn't see how I could be a good, whole parent to my two kids without my wife, and I was scared and angry and filled with despair for some time. For a while, I just couldn't envision a future. But I held on and it has gotten immensely better, and I feel stronger now - maybe even stronger than I was before.

 

Notice so far I haven't given any advice about what to "do about your wife." There will be plenty of that later, but I think you have to get yourself stabilized and put the priority on yourself for the moment.

 

Take good care of yourself, and know - or at least trust me - that you do have a future. Tonight, let go of it all and get a good night of sleep.

[trickynj99]

all of the above

 

you simply have no choice but to hang in and be good to yourself...what i mean by that is to focus honestly on what's important to you (outside of your current problems of course)...its not easy and its a learning process but it can be done...read the other posts by guys going thru similar things..it helps

 

one thing i've done is lost almost 40lbs.. that's just one example movies? music? whatever turns YOU!!!! on...you have to try to get some balance back in your emotions..

 

good luck..take care

[phrekmon]

Thanks for the words of encoragement, it actually got me to stop and look at the big picture, i gotta get some sleep, thanks again i will let you know, dennis

[phrekmon]

I kind of feel as though she is going to do all of the things to save our marriage (although continuing to pull away from me) like her mind is already made up that divorce is coming and then when she sees I'm strong enough not to go over the edge (which I wouldn't) tell me its defiantly over( I think i would handle it all better if I Knew yes or no, it seems all to simple), or is it just my mind just doing the "what if"

I went to Doctor yesterday I had gotten about 5 total hours sleep over 4 nights was vomiting after eating any solid food and was physically and emotionally on the verge of self destruction.(I read in these posts that without "WE" there is only "ME" and realized it was me that needed to be fixed first) He gave some sleeping pills and something to take before meals to help with the food and I must say I got 5 solid hours last night actually kept down dinner and am feeling pretty good this morning.

Which brings us to Thanksgiving dinner, Her Dad came to my workplace Monday morning to tell me that he didn't know what was wrong with her and was sorry what was going on and to come to Dinner Thanksgiving Day.

So dinner today will be interesting, (I mean everyone knows whets going on)I just cant stop feeling shamed about all this and wonder if ill break down during the blessing cause her Dad may say something about us into the blessing (if you know what I mean)

I met her last night at the hospital as her brothers wife just gave birth to a cute little boy (they were told it was a girl and bought all kinda girl stuff) but had all along really wanted a boy so too cool for them. But we barely spoke other than the list of stuff she wants to move out this weekend, I had stopped telling her that I loved her on the phone and in person so when I left I did tell her that I loved her and missed her and walked away so she didn't have to answer, I hope that's not pressuring her.. Again thanks so much for listening its almost time to watch the Macys parade and look for my daughter then my big dinner, you guys have a great thanksgiving and if I could give any one anything right now it would be to cherish/show those you "say" you love with love because you really don't know what you've got till its gone or leaving. ALOHA Dennis

[phrekmon]

can you believe i helped my wife move into her new house after thanksgiving dinner at her parents house with all the family there i felt so shamed.

i went over there house after watching the macy's t day parade (my step daughter was in it!!! Cymbal's - Hawaii state marching band!!!)) and our day with the family went pretty good we talked about our appt with the counceller tommorrow i had showed her a page on healing seperation that i seen posted here and did seem like she would like to do something like that ( i was very much happy!!) she cried and i came close to crying quite a few times as we talke , i then agreed to help her move her stuff out of her parents house and take some her stuff in my car,as her new house is 3 minutes up the road, (so my daughter doesnt change schools again) we loaded up yhe cars were about to leave and shes gotta go to the restroom so im waiting and her cell phone rings she didnt hear it, by the time i got to it, it was into voicemail(i had really thought when i hit the voicemail that it was our daughter), i hit it and guess who ? yep the x he says "are you there bye" i put the phone down sat down, now the family comes inside for hugs and kisses as everyones going home she comes out the restroom i guess she could see it in my face she asked me what was wrong and i told her what i had done, she got real upset then said hes chasing after me ive told him that i didnt want anything to do with him right now i said you gave him the cell phone number she said nothing and we left for my (our) house to pick up more of her stuff and go to her new one drank a beer talked about how hard it is for her to do this to me then i gave one last i dont want this to happen does it have to be a seperation ? yes it did she said and off we go, get there unload everything her phone rings she looks at it answers it and says ill call you later, she tells me that shes going to tell him again that she doesnt want anything to do with him right now, i really was feeling better today and wham, boot to the head ! am i being played ? am i reading to much into this? i feel as though im back to square 1- thanks again for listening, dennis

[phrekmon]

i dont think there has been anything physical between her and the x but i found on her cell phonet here has been 118 min of calls the past two weeks to the x on her cell but she tells me keeps telling me the that hes chasing her? am i awake ? stupid? or brain dead i am really begining to doubt that are little married but seperate being faithful plan is not gonna work and probably not gonna go in favor of our marriage anyway because all day she was reasuring in attitude and actions toward moving forward as a married couple living apart to hopefully get are heads right then work on us but i just dont trust her anymore.will i ever ?

does anyone just 1 person the think i should continue on my quest to get us fixed up and then get us back together ? this is getting all to real again my mind is racing and it all seems fruitless. oh will itll be here again tomorrow , thanks ,dennis

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. am i awake ? stupid? or brain dead

 

2. does anyone just 1 person the think i should continue on my quest to get us fixed up and then get us back together ?

 

1. None of the above. You are holding on to hope and wishful thinking has you ignoring those big red warning flags.

 

2. No. She moved out. She is gone and has moved on with someone else. If you want to hold on though and give it a shot, I would suggest MarriageBuilders.com and read up there and read up on their forums in the General Questions area. I'm not saying it will work, but it might give you some insight.

[Kisar]

phrekmon,

 

I hate to have a pity party, but I am going through the exact same thing. rightnow I am not a great one to give advice but I do want to say to try and hold on...not to her but yourself. I am learning through this forum that there is nothing that i can do to make my exhusband like me or his children. His actions are his and mine are mine. After a long night of suicidal ideation (probably because it was Thanksgiving...no call from him to say hi to his kid or anything), I called him, which was taboo because I broke the no contact regimen I have been on. I wanted to let him know that his daughter is suffering...she is. I just told him that and he nonchalantly said oh, we hung up the phone...guess what I feel worse. He showed no sign of interest in that she was hurting. Maybe he was with someone when i called because the tone was diffrent, but anyways. I realize that I put myself in that situtation. Instead, I should have been calling a lawyer to help get some money from him, seeing where he stopped supporting us %100. enough about me. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I want so desparately for my husband to return to me and his daughter and his unborn child, but I can't make it happen...or else it would have already. Take it easy...grieve...more importantly do try to take care of youself. I cannot believe that I am saying this because I have not done so, but my heart is hurting for you...for all of us who are getting the rotten end of the stick. I will pray that your heart is mended and that you can find the happiness that is in store for you.

[lindya]

does anyone just 1 person the think i should continue on my quest to get us fixed up and then get us back together ?

 

Reading your posts, and thinking on a purely logical basis - no, I don't think you should continue trying. Life's never as simple as that though. Emotions and instincts get muddled up with logical thinking, and it's hard to separate the three.

 

I kind of feel as though she is going to do all of the things to save our marriage (although continuing to pull away from me) like her mind is already made up that divorce is coming and then when she sees I'm strong enough not to go over the edge (which I wouldn't) tell me its defiantly over( I think i would handle it all better if I Knew yes or no, it seems all to simple), or is it just my mind just doing the "what if"

 

 

When someone is being vague about what they want, and keeping you dangling in purgatory as they either pluck up the courage to tell you it's over.... or decide they're willing to "persevere" in a relationship with you that they feel half-hearted about ( ) then there's only one dignified response as far as I can see.

 

It involves saying "Your confusion about what you want, and your lack of decisiveness about this relationship is no longer relevant. The decision is no longer in your hands. I don't want this anymore." Then walking away.

 

I can't really advise you to do that, because you might do it, regret it like crazy - and blame Loveshackers for giving you bad advice when you weren't able to think straight. It takes a high level of emotional control to completely cut the strings from someone you love. More than that, it takes the ability to ignore the little voice saying "what if you regret this for the rest of your life? What if it took just a little more waiting and a little more effort on your part to make things work?"

 

That little voice, and your wife, will both keep you in limbo for an indefinite period of time. You've got the power to get out of that limbo right now if you want to, and I suspect that if you do it will give you a great more self respect in the long run. I can appreciate, however, that it's a terribly hard thing to do.

[phrekmon]

Another 2 1/2 hour nights sleep with sleeping pills,

i have decided to see what comes from her (head/heart) this evening at the MC, i didnt think it i would be considering ending my marriage so quickly, i thought we might have a chance but your right the red flags are slapping me in the face,i mean shes been with her parents (who have been giving her the silent treatment over what she is doing) since last saturday and last night was her first in her new house hasnt been alone "alone" since she started this, our daughter comes back saturday afternoon and her dad is coming in the morning with her to move the rest of her stuff out, i figure i should at least see if she can be "good" through a couple of MC sessions, one thing i do know is she'd wouldnt bring the x around my daughter, not right away anyways as all this is going to upset her a good bit, ok wish me luck this is going to be an eventful day, thanks for listening dennis

[Woggle]

Just move on. Be happy without her and grow a backbone. Believe me that tends to work and growing a spine and living your life might just get her to be interested again. If she does regain interest after you learn to be happy don't take her back. Make sure have the right to be a father to your daughter and live life to it's fullest. Why would you want to be with somebody that makes you feel like this? Give her a month to make up her mind or you file for divorce.

[phrekmon]

well just came back from the MC and the wife said she wanted to try and fix our marriage,she agreed to NO contact with x and said she was commited to it but still needed the space, talking with the MC she didnt seem like she has any remorse for any of it. and was upset i wouldnt give her any money that i had said i wasnt going to make it easy for her (should i be ?) i guess it went ok though,we see him again next fri, is once a week enough ? the biggest thing for me is can i trust her ? i guess i have to ! think im going to give her her 2 months and if it doesnt feel right end it. either way i should come out a better person for it. thanks for listening, dennis

[Devildog]

... i hit it and guess who ? yep the x he says "are you there bye" i put the phone down sat down, now the family comes inside for hugs and kisses as everyones going home she comes out the restroom i guess she could see it in my face she asked me what was wrong and i told her what i had done, she got real upset then said hes chasing after me ive told him that i didnt want anything to do with him right now i said you gave him the cell phone number she said nothing ...get there unload everything her phone rings she looks at it answers it and says ill call you later, she tells me that shes going to tell him again that she doesnt want anything to do with him right now

 

Let's see, she got defensive about you finding out he was calling her cell phone, which she gave him the number for, and when she had a golden opportunity to tell him to stop calling her right there in front of you, she didn't, instead promising to call him back later. It is easy to say she won't contact him at MC. She doesn't want to seem like the cheating whore to the public. It's funny, they think the rest of the world is so blind. They don't think anyone would ever put the pieces of that puzzle together. But truthfully, anyone who knows you guys is perfectly well aware of who is the reason for this.

 

I'm sorry to say this so bluntly, but yeah, she is leaving you for him. If it brings you any comfort, that relationship won't last. My XW did the same thing to me. And I know what you are thinking, yes, this guy is a piece of $hit for having no qualms about destroying a marriage and a family. There is / will be a special place in hell for those people when I get down there to my corner office.

 

Not sure about the child situation. Is there just a step child or is there a step child and a child you fathered with her? Step-child only, she is on her own financially. If you have a biological child with her, it would be wise to help out to a limited extent. It's good for your relationship with your child, and it prevents her from cleaning you out for "back child support" during the separation. But I strongly advise you to keep records and proof of financial help you provide for legal reasons.

 

Sorry to be the one to break it to you. But sometimes people need to have the reality presented to them. If she comes back, it will be as "damaged goods" and because the grass wasn't as green as it looked from this side of the fence.

[phrekmon]

what a cliche the heading is but so true,well i'm waiting for the wife to come over with her dad to help her move, then after to pick up my STEP daughter (although we are close as i have been the nurturing parent for the last 10-12 years)from the airport (she was in Macy's parade) and the wife wants me to reassure our daughter that everythings going to be ok no matter which way this goes and then poof its of to there new house they go, the reason why i asked about helping her monitarily is one of her reasons to move out besides "getting her space" was she felt like she needed to support herself and daughter and was to dependent to me (i really thought that was what marriage was about) so i have given her money for gas and ciggarettes only and tell her i dont have any more (she knows exactly what i have as she was the one to pay bills etc..) but i gotta save to get out of this house as i barely can afford it and now is way to big for just me. we live on maui and prices here are outragous for everything (still 3.49 gal gas) i read a post earlier under infidelity about someone whos wife is saying some of the same things as mine that came up at the MC last night, she said it was going to be hard to trust me again !! wtf , i didnt leave ! i didnt carry on an affair, as i posted to him i think it may be their trying to justify their actions cause they feel guilty for what they have done ? i really dont know. she also seemed very very angry at me. (more angry than i have ever seen her)i mean i know that i'm not the perfect husband but to try and turn it on me is crazy, it takes 2 to make it work but 1 can surely tear it all apart.

after reading over my posts and replies i think im going to give her 2 months to come back into the marriage (living together)if i dont catch her lying to me first, and if she doesnt want to i think it will be over at that point. i dont think that im spineless or have no backbone but i am definitly weak with her, i have given her just about everything shes ever asked for move across the ocean for her (i tell myself for US) moved from house to house here 5 times in 6 years, the lack of respect she has for me is most likely from giving her what she wants, i could have said NO back then and i regret i didnt but in the current situation i have to go along because i cannot make her stay, so again i am giving her what she wants ! i am so confused as to her thinking, she left me because she feels as though im controlling her is how she put it to the MC but i look back with eyes wide open and i feel like she was controlling me ? anyways i know that im getting stronger because i am now thinking about a life without her in it (which i have never allowed myself to do before) and that ache isnt as strong as it was earlier in the week, and i find myself becoming very angry at her for what she is putting us (me) through. am i being selfish ?

it seems in my day to day life my work day is 20 hours instead of 10 and it draaaggggs by only to come home to an empty house, and then i cant wait to go back to work the next day, but on the relationship side of it it is moving at the speed of sound. as always thanks for listening, this does seem to be helping me, dennis

[Trimmer]

anyways i know that im getting stronger because i am now thinking about a life without her in it (which i have never allowed myself to do before) and that ache isnt as strong as it was earlier in the week, and i find myself becoming very angry at her for what she is putting us (me) through. am i being selfish ?

 

In the right mix, selfish isn't always bad. You're being selfish in the sense that you are starting to look out for yourself and your interests, which is just what you need to do right now. That ache not being as strong as before, it's like the smoke is starting to clear a bit, and the anger is another step forward in dealing with the reality of the situation, and working towards the future. Don't deny it or suppress it, but allow yourself to feel it and work it out somehow safely. Do you have someone you can trust that you can talk to, or have you considered seeing a counselor? Suppressing that anger was starting to eat me up inside, but allowing myself to feel it, talk about it and let it out safely was a real catharsis for me, and I believe it really helped me move on.

[phrekmon]

no trimmer i dont really have anyone to talk to, my best friend who lives on the mainland that i talk to but only on saturdays and sundays because of the time difference and you very supportive people here (you have saved my sanity) if i hadnt found this site i would most likely have been put in the hospital.

i have a appt the 30 th with a therapist just for me, so hopfully that will help even more

I WANT TO BE BETTER !!!

the last 10 years i had always been the strong one (controlling ?) in the marriage knowing or thinking i knew what was best for everyone, and now i dont have a clue as to what to say or do, when im around her now i have been just keeping my mouth shut and being supportive in any way possible, i want to be a real a**h*** and make this as difficult as humanly possible for her. (but im a sucker,wimp etc.. (i love her)

well she came by this morning to pack more stuff and wait for her dad to bring by the truck for the big stuff, we briefly talked about how we were feeling, what we thought of the MC until she got to emotional.

i told her that she should help moving the stuff and not her dad (he's kinda heavy and in his 60's) she seemed kinda pissed about it and i reminded her that this was what she wanted not me. i didnt want to be alone with either of them right now( its awkward and i am shamed) and her relationship with them is also in the dumps.so we made 2 uneventful trips to her new house.

then we were off to the airport to pick up and explain all this to our (step)daughter. we went to pizza hut got a booth and told her, she took it like the champ she is and seemed ok, my wife whispers across the table to me "should we tell her about the x too ?" i said i guess ? i dont know ? so she says " and there is someone else in the picture too" not specifiying who had the someone else, i butted in and said that there was someone else but not now because we were working on or marriage, i appologized for butting in. and i turned the conversation back to our daughters trip.

what was she thinking saying that ? was i wrong to butt in and clarify the situation ? i am very confused as to how to act around her, she sends mixed signals, yesterday i got 3-4 good hugs a couple of kisses had my back rubbed a little, today i got 2 hugs and a thank you so much for helping me.

i told her on 1 of our drives that i hoped she was not jerking me around, she said she wasnt. i dont know about trusting her.

she asked about me helping her again tommorow morning i told her i was going surfing in the am and would help her around noon and she seemed agitated but said ok.

i have always tried to live my life on an even keel, (i try not to allow myself to get too excited,anxious etc.. as well as when i get down in the dumps) the more in the middle i am the better i feel and deal with life in general, this has been a f***** nightmare this past week. anyways ill post again tomorrow thank you all so much for the support, dennis

[Woggle]

Don't help her. She is ripping your heart out and you are bending over backwards for her. Stop doing it and tell her to move her own stuff.

[phrekmon]

ok i thought i was getting a handle on this but its unraveling yet again,she calls my cell and leaves a message to call her about moving today which i do when i get the message 3 hours later(i live in a gulch) i go get her and my daughter and take only one load in the van(my company vehicle) and its pouring rain everyones soaked and muddy,we started talking and i asked her to call our health care provider monday morning and set up an appt. with a shrink,therapist whatever just someone she could talk to alone without me or the x involved she agreed and said she would, i help unload, put her screen door on the track and i get a hug for helping !(i'm ok with this) we have moved all the big stuff the rest is boxes that can go in (MY 1973 beetle)her car anytime, i live in a rainforest, i dont lock the doors so she can come whenever she wants, i dont have to be here.

i come back home and she calls asking me what im doing ? wtf ! i tell her im watching the game and she says ok lemme let you go i really dont know why i called, oh ya will the therapist see me on monday ? now how do i know, i looked in the phone book got the number its a mesage to leave name and number and they call you back, i told her it works i had just done it last sunday myself and my appt is the 30th, she says you seem to be taking this good, i tell her that i love her,need her and if this is what she needs im behind her 100% she says ok ill talk to you later. now the way i see this is that,

1. shes having doubts about what she is doing

2. maybe shes not calling the x (as we agreed at the MC)

3. she tried contacting the x and hes not around.

it still doesnt change my game plan of getting myself mentally well FIRST while working on our (communication)marriage and even if she changed her mind today i wouldnt take her back right now.

so do you think im doing this right ? im sure i'll be posting a couple of more times today as its stormy here so nowhere to go and posting is such a relief just to let it out, thanks dennis

[Trimmer]

it still doesnt change my game plan of getting myself mentally well FIRST while working on our (communication)marriage and even if she changed her mind today i wouldnt take her back right now.

so do you think im doing this right ?

 

Dennis - if you are focussed first on getting yourself stable and emotionally well, then for the moment, no matter how she is reacting, yes, I think you're doing it right... That's the whole point here at the start, not necessarily to influence her behavior directly, but to get yourself strong and feeling well. If that attracts her, then all the better, but either way, you benefit. Good luck!

[phrekmon]

yes trimmer it has to be ME first.

i slept 5 1/2 hours last night for the 1st time in a week, (had messed up dreams) but its better than 1-2 hours, the weekends are the worst(if your off work) it stormed here all weekend so no outside activities, i did read a lot, im thinking i may be codependent in this relationship, she also believes she is too, i wonder if 2 codependents can get help and make it work ?

is love an attitude ? a decision ? a choice ? i used to think i loved her unconditionaly, you know "i love you no matter what" " all we need is our love for each other to get through this" but there are so many strings i think now you can only love your children unconditionaly.

what about "feelings" anger,fear etc.. they have to be attitudes,choices,decisions too. you can try and turn them off, redirect them even suppress them (it's a choice to do that) yes ?

i do hope our marriage survives this but at least i know i can go on by myself, am i holding on to that "hope" to tightly ? i gave myself and our marriage 2 months for her to decide 1. be done with the marriage 2. work on our marriage (together in same home) its been 1 week yesterday 7 more weeks is a long time. thanks for listening i'll post again after work. dennis

[phrekmon]

ok its over between us, she called me this morning and asked if she could come by and see me, i said sure (i thought that she was coming around) nope she wanted to tell me she was sorry for calling me last night and she didnt think the MC would help,i asked her to meet me after work to talk (she had made plans) i proclaimed my love for her one last time amd that i thought it could work but you have to want it, it didnt matter that was it!! i was ok didnt get all emotional and told her i was here if she changed her mind, she called me back 4 times changing her mind back and forth (yes we work on it/no its over) the last one i again told her how much i cared and needed her only for her to tell me that it was him she was going to see tonight (can you believe this woman ?) to f***ing tell me shes going to him opps shes here

[phrekmon]

no she's not here i'm just freaking out (wishful thinking) but i mean i just freaked, i shut the computer off and everything (like i was cheating on her) i know what i need to do for my heart as well as my head and i was really good this morning. i again didnt think all this would happen so quick with her not even trying (i spent the weekend helping her move) which makes me feel even more like a sucker , at least i know what size apt. i need now, i feel like im dying again just like last weekend but this time i know in my head i shouldnt be (and it doesnt help)im now thinking about how shes going to financialy try and screw me over more now , i see it coming , oh well i gotta go eat , i'll post later im sure , dennis

[phrekmon]

i know i gotta move on but the pain is almost unbearable now, i've lost 16 lbs in the last 8 days, i now have a bleeding ulcer,cant sleep more than an hour or two even with pills, no one in my life to talk to (i see a therapist tomorrow) nobody even posting to my thread.

i used to drive to work looking at the mountains and ocean and say "it doesnt get any better than this" now i find it hard just to open my eyes and look at the beauty that surrounds me, i want to run away (to be away from her and the memories)but to where ? her family had taken me in and became my own, do i have contact with them now ? i guess its like her i have to divorce them too,christmas is coming up, i can hardly wait. financialy i'm screwed for at least 2-3 years, im 46 years old and i'm feeling as though life is over, i had thought she was my soulmate i gave her all of me (body,mind and soul), i feel like i wasted the last 10-12 years of my life, when i'm home i want to be at work and at work i want to be home ? i thought i was getting it together for "ME" but i guess i attached the string of hope of reconciling with my wife.

so the grieving/anger/pain starts all over again,

i gotta go to work i'll post after,thanks dennis