A change of heart

[sylviaguardian]

To all of those who now know me well, I apologise for my ever-constant changes of heart. Last week I thought I was doing well, this week I think about being alone and am filled with relief.

 

This weekend we went out together to a party. It made me down. Every time when we go out without the kids, it is usually not good. What made me down? Looking at all the other couples who were joking and laughing. When I got MM up to dance, he looked everywhere but at me. Something inside me just snapped. I know he took the OW dancing and I BET he sure as hell looked at her!

 

I am tired. Tired of all the doubt and mistrust. I am tired of living a lie - pretending to people on the outside that things are normal when they are not. I feel like my life has turned into a farce. On Sunday we had barely spoken all day and some friends turned up so we have to put on the 'happy' faces and act like nothing is wrong. I am sure the friends sensed something. I think soon people will not want to visit our house because of the atmosphere.

 

Apart from the affair, my husband just does not love me the way I would like him to. I just know it. So I am thinking about what our future together holds. Will I live the rest of our relationship in fear of what he might be doing? I know that the resentment will ALWAYS be there on my part.

 

So we have discussed separating after Christmas. God knows, I never wanted this, any of it. When I got married it was for keeps. I wanted to have an intact family and I was grateful for every day that passed where my children still had their world intact.

 

But now I worry about what I am teaching them. That THIS is how relationships work? Will my son grow up thinking that men never show affection or my daughter to think that she can't expect too much from a relationship and that she should be happy with whatever is dished out?

 

Telling them will kill me. I didn't want this for them, I didn't want or ask for any of this. But it's happened and I have to deal with it. I had always hoped that we could survive this but I think I did it for all the wrong reasons - I did it for the children, I did it because I am stubborn and didn't want the OW to have it proved to her that our marriage was not strong enough. But I didn't do it for me, because I loved MM and wanted to always be with him.

 

Our marriage was not a 'bad' marriage. We didn't constantly fight, we had never split up or threatened it, we still loved each other. That is what has made me hang on to it for so long. There is still love between us but sometimes love just gets so badly damaged that it can't survive.

 

I want to have some control over my life again. I want to live a peaceful honest life. I want to stop being the damaged angry person that I am and just let go of it all. I want to stop caring about all the ifs and buts and just say 'my husband had an affair, it ended our marriage' and leave it at that. I want to chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

Sylvia

[Mz. Pixie]

Sylvia,

 

I'm so sorry that it's come to this. I certainly think though that everyone deserves to be loved the way that they want to be.

 

I know it seems so hard now, but perhaps you'll be happier later.

 

I'm sending up prayers for you on telling the kiddos.

[lilmoma1973]

Sylvia,

 

I'm so sorry that it's come to this. I certainly think though that everyone deserves to be loved the way that they want to be.

 

I know it seems so hard now, but perhaps you'll be happier later.

 

I'm sending up prayers for you on telling the kiddos.

 

I too am sorry to hear that... I know that it seems that it is over but have you tried counseling for the last alternative or is it just no helping anymore!!! I survived cheating and so can you it is still hard to this day but it has to be a constant working progress.. Did he have an emotional affair or was it both emotional and physical.. Ive heard that sometimes cheating can make or break a marriage .. Guess it depends on the individual and what they want .. I really feel sorry for your kids and hope that you will reconsider counseling if you haven't already tried.. I have seen marriages that was on the verge of divorce do a 360 turn around it can happen with counseling if both parties are willing !!! Good luck and you and your kids will be in my prayers

[SueBee3490]

I am tired. Tired of all the doubt and mistrust. I am tired of living a lie - pretending to people on the outside that things are normal when they are not. I feel like my life has turned into a farce. On Sunday we had barely spoken all day and some friends turned up so we have to put on the 'happy' faces and act like nothing is wrong. I am sure the friends sensed something. I think soon people will not want to visit our house because of the atmosphere.Sylvia

 

So much of what you say speaks my feelings exactly! I am also tired - tired of all the doubt and mistrust. We also live that life to "my" family and friends that we are "happy". I did tell his 2 sister-in-laws that he cheated on me. I couldn't bring myself to tell my family. Afraid of what they'd think of him I guess. My H works with a woman who is flirty and young and thinks he's the greatest. She is also soon to be divorced. I'm tired of conjuring up all the images in my mind of them 2 together and would I ever know, etc. etc.

 

Apart from the affair, my husband just does not love me the way I would like him to. I just know it. So I am thinking about what our future together holds. Will I live the rest of our relationship in fear of what he might be doing? I know that the resentment will ALWAYS be there on my part.Sylvia

 

Since finding out about my H's cheating in Jan 2003, I've become this bitter and sad person. I'm tired of living like this and want my old self back - at least my happy full-of-life self. I know I'm always wondering what he's doing. After almost 3 YEARS of knowing about his cheating, the resentment is still there and ALWAYS will be for me also.

 

But now I worry about what I am teaching them. That THIS is how relationships work? Will my son grow up thinking that men never show affection or my daughter to think that she can't expect too much from a relationship and that she should be happy with whatever is dished out?Sylvia

 

I have 3 children from a previous marriage and wonder what I am teaching them. My oldest are 2 girls, 21 and 17. I have never actually told them what he did, though I know they are aware with all the hints I've gave them on not "putting up with" any man that would cheat on them. I don't want them to live what I've been through.

 

I want to have some control over my life again. I want to live a peaceful honest life. I want to stop being the damaged angry person that I am and just let go of it all. I want to stop caring about all the ifs and buts and just say 'my husband had an affair, it ended our marriage' and leave it at that. I want to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Sylvia

 

Ditto on this Sylvia. I want control over my life again. As I said above, I'm tired of being the bitter and angry person because of all this. I used to look forward to my life after my divorce. My divorce was not even as heartbreaking as the cheating my current H did. My 1st husband and I just went separate ways and though I didn't want it to end - I felt a relief after the breakup. Our love had slowly died and we parted. I knew it was coming and could cope with the feelings. With my current H, I was so in love with him that when I found out he was cheating on me, I was in shock and denial for a long time. I think the betrayal hurt the most. It hurt so much more for a man to "act like" I was the love of his life and he was faithful to me then to find out it was all a lie then it was to be married to a man, have 3 children with him, and then to drift apart from each other and eventually divorce. I know people think I should be more heartbroken over my divorce but I wasn't.

 

Good luck Sylvia - yes learn from the experience and move on - that's what I plan on doing.

[Judas Christian]

I don't know your story, but I don't need to. I gather your husband had an affair and you've done your best to TRY to get over it and move on. It takes an awful lot to overcome an affair and not everyone can do it. It doesn't make you less of a person if you can't, and I think this is especially true if he's not absolutely being open book and making you a goddess in his life. The truth is, if he really wants you to forgive him and to love him as ever you did, he should be jumping through a lot of hoops and sacrificing many facets of his life firstly, and secondly he should be doing all in his power to make you feel like you truly are the only woman he could ever want or need, and i really get the feeling from your words that none of this is the case.

 

Don't fret too much about your children. Children are resilient, they'll bounce back. The most important thing you can possibly do is to make sure they understand the separation (and likely divorce) has NOTHING to do with them, that you and their father do and always will love them with all your hearts. Help them to understand that adults sometimes have problems that can't be fixed and they can even stop loving one another, but they never stop loving their children. Make sure they know that their parents' love for them is practically "magical" and simply doesn't fade - no matter what the status of the marriage is.

 

I feel for you - affairs are terrible and ugly, among the very worst of human behavior and experience. Don't feel bad about yourself if you have to "give up" and "throw in the towel." You're not the one that started this whole breakdown - remember that.

[I Survived]

Sylvia

Making amends after an affair is hard work, I know. And, I too, would go somewhere with my H and my mind would wander to thoughts of his affair. It can bring you down, down, down to a feeling of lonliness and desolation and hopelessness but it doesn't have to. Our counselor said, when you start to think about it, change your thoughts to something that makes you happy. Put what happened in that part of your lives that is history and move forward to a better, stronger relationship and making more memories for yourselves. Sure, he probably took her dancing, but didn't you and he go dancing before he had his fling. You have children with him and a long list of memories, much more than she'll ever have. And you have him. I really think separating is a big mistake. Please. Keep talking to him and working it out. If you love each other, you can make it. Good luck, hon.

 

I survived

[whichwayisup]

Syl, I'm sorry that you're feeling down and having a rough week.

 

All I can say is do what feels right for you now. I can't remember how old your children are, but whatever decision is made, they will adjust. Both you and your husband can make it easier for them, the transition stage and open communication when it comes to them.

 

Maybe a trial separation is necessary, not a divorce right now.

 

You've done your absolute best to make it work...I don't know if he has, or if things have changed for him inside to the point it can't be fixed. Only he knows that...But, your gut instincts are screaming out it's not right...

 

Hugs to you Syl. Please, take care of yourself.

[Tristram]

So we have discussed separating after Christmas. God knows, I never wanted this, any of it. When I got married it was for keeps. I wanted to have an intact family and I was grateful for every day that passed where my children still had their world intact.

 

Sylvia,

I am so sorry for you. I know exactly what you are feeling. I too wanted nothing but the best for my family. I wanted them to be happy, and no evil ever make its presence. But then then my wife had to go and destroy it all. WS's never seem to understand how much damage their little selfish fling did. I pray you find what makes you happy.

[jonesgirly]

Even YOU have these feelings? You are my hero!

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, I think your story rates a 10 as far as damage goes. The length of the EA, combined with a later discovery of the PA also, just puts the situation off the scale. I swear, the more I learn and recognize within myself........EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS seem to offer the most long-lasting flavor of betrayal.

 

You've been there a lot longer than I have, but I have the same EXACT feelings now. There are times when I cannot imagine living with the person who is not only capable of, but actually DID such damage to our relationship. I too think that sometimes I would be better off to cut my losses and get out now, rather than waiting for yet another day,month,or year to pass. The person I married is gone, and I guess I will have to learn to "settle" for what's left. The trust is gone, and has been replaced with doubts about the strength of "us." Never did I EVER wonder about his loyalty, faithfullness. I never thought that a person who professed to love me beyond imagination could also hurt my heart to the same degree. Gone is the person that I could rely on to be my personal protector, only to be replaced by someone whom I feel the need to protect myself from!

 

I don't know how a person becomes worthy of trust.

 

I try really, really hard not to make any decisions that aren't "clear" in my mind. You are having a rough week and will probably have more in the future. You've said some things though, that would make me pause and think about. If your husband doesn't love you the way you need to be loved..............thats a tough one. It seems like you would be "settling" for what he offers, rather than what you need. The sadness I feel is the same as yours - its fairly obvious to me that my husband doesn't love me as much as he proclaimed, nor in the way that I need. Pretty much sucks.

 

And doesn't it just piss you off that you signed up for a marriage and all that goes along with it - not realizing you'd have to deal with things that HE doesn't have to!

 

Anyway, sometimes the Holidays stir up a kind of "reminiscing" that takes a lot of people by surprise. The close examination of ourselves, our families, and our marriages always "highlights" the bad stuff.

 

What does your husband say about the seperation after Christmas? I hope he's not all happy about it - that would make me angry too. Just to not fight tooth-and-nail to keep you would say alot to me. But then again, I examine everything with a microscope right now!

[veronese]

Hi Sylv,

 

If only I had something helpful to say, sadly I don't. My emotions swing dramatically just as yours do, one moment fairly contented, the next dispondent and beaten.

 

Maybe your feelings this week will change again before long. We both know how deeply erratic and unpredictable we can be don't we?!

 

It's not the past that concerns us so much now, it's the present, today, tomorrow. We are no longer prepared to be undermined, neglected, unappreciated. Our husbands' affairs have opened our eyes, we can see how our husbands' behaviour in day-to-day situations affects our self-esteem.

 

My H almost always upset me when we socialised by acting like I was inhibiting him. I was overly attentive to him, he was subtly disinterested in me. Time and time again his manner made me anxious, I felt insecure.

 

Since DDay I saw how this scenario had evolved, how I had been given my role, and he had his. He always presumed I was jealous and possessive which pissed him off, and I resented being labelled the jealous wife but could never convince him otherwise. My H, bloody irritatingly, is invarioubly the most handsome, attractive man wherever we are and combined with his amazing personality (huh!), has always been approached by other women, even when I'm with him. I was threatened by them though, it was my H's manner that was the problem.

 

When we were invited to a party recently I decided to go with a friend instead of my H, purely because the women going had made passes at my H on previous occasions. The truth is Syl, that I don't much enjoy going to these events with him and I told him so!

 

I don't know SYl, maybe we need to treat them more like how they treat us. We spend our time looking into their eyes while they look everywhere else. Even when my H talks to me he gazes out of the window, at the tv, at the cat while I give him my undivided attention. I try not to look at him so much now, but always point out why. He isn't that bloody lovely!

 

Let us know how you're doing hun

 

Big hugs

 

Veron xxx

[Kenyth]

IMHO, an affair destroys a marriage permenantly to some degree or another. Not only does the spouse find the situation unbearable. Strangely enough, the cheater also finds it unbearably hard to live in the mess they've made. Like a badly wrecked car that's been minimally fixed to make it operational, nothing in the relationship works right or looks good anymore. The relationship is a twisted mockery of it's former self. Just looking at it causes painful memories of what it once was to both parties. The fact that fault can be assigned to someone doesn't make that go away. Guilt is not a strong enough motivator to the cheating personality to deal with this. If guilt were a motivator, they wouldn't have cheated to begin with. The last thing they're looking to do is atone for their sins. Respect is also an issue. The cheater does nothing but pity the spouse. You can't truly respect someone who let's you walk all over them to that degree. If they didn't respect you before they cheated on you, they certainly won't afterwards knowing you kept them around anyway.

[Trimmer]

Hey, Sylvia - how are you doing?

 

I don't have any specific advice, but I find resonance with a lot of the things you talk about here. Telling the kids and what kind of example you set for them. Wanting to be married for keeps. Wanting control over your life and longing for the relief that moving on brings.

 

If it comes to that and when it's time to tell the kids (how old are yours?) I brought it up and got some good comments from the locals in a thread here, and I'd be glad to share my experiences if you want to talk about it at some point. It sucks, but I was glad I had brought it up and talked about it to some folks on here beforehand.

 

I hope you are doing well...