Feelings for someone else while in relationship?

[zooyorkcity]

So I've been going out w/ my girlfriend for about 2-3 years. She met a "friend" in College her freshman year and its obvious that he liked her. I had the feeling from the beginning and I would get really jealous when she would go to his house late. I even blew up on her once and told her how jealous I was. Since then, she has assured me there is nothing to even worry about because they are just friends. I felt bad that I was being an overjealous boyfriend. I tried to rationalize to myself that everything was okay and there's nothing to be worried about. Then recently, I went to pick her up from school one day (she didn't know this) and she was actually at her "friends" house again. I got really jealous and all those feelings just came back. There's just something inside me that tells me something isn't right and it was hard trying to hold abck those feelings. Don't get me wrong, we talked several times about it and I felt better. But, everytime she kept chillin' w/ him or talking to him I would feel that jealousy coming back. Its not like that w/ every guy she hangs out with. So, she finally told me that she kinda likes him. I felt heartbroken about this, but even more confused that I was trying to force myself to feel like I was doing something wrong, when I had a reason to be jealous.

 

My question is whether or not its okay to have feelings for someone else while you are already in a relationship? Also, what would be considered "acting on" those feelings? I mean I could say I have a crush on Jessica Alba, but I'd never meet her in my life anyway and its not real. Would it be wrong for my girlfriend to be talking to this guy until 5:30 in the morning on the computer while she's w/ me in my room? I mean she is there w/ ME and not HIM. Could this just be an emotional relationship that she has w/ him? and could that be even worse in the long run?

 

I am glad that she told me her true feelings and that meant a lot to me. I know I may have a problem w/ insecurity and this may be pushin her to have these feelings for him. We talked about this and I definitely respect her feelings 100%. I know I am a great boyfriend and I'll do anything in the world for her. Sometimes, I just feel like she has me wrapped around her finger but its not the case when its the other way around. Would this be healthy? Also she's 19 and I'm 22.

 

Please ask any questions... I know a relationship is a lot more complex than a few paragraphs.

[zooyorkcity]

I am not the type to ask friends for advice about my relationship. I feel that it's kind of going behind her back when I can just confront her about things. But, posting this online anonymously doesn't feel so wrong. In fact, I want her to read this and post her side of the story if she is willing.

[thromback]

I think at first she didn't like him until you restricted her in doing so because it's like when someone likes you and once they go out with someone else you like them because you are restricted to like them or something like that. I don't think it's right to have feelings for other people when they are dating someone, however they usually can't help it so you can't be too mad at them. I don't really know what to tell you. You can try and tell her that in order for your relationship to work that it would be better if she didn't see him. That might break you guys up but if you've been going out for 3 yrs she should understand hoped that helped sorry to hear what happend man best of luck.

[michaelk]

First off, don't buy into the lie that you are insecure. If you had been jealous without reason, that would be one thing. But you've been proven right. So you're not insecure - you're dealing with a stone-cold in-your-face threat to your relationship. And this threat is not of your making. So why does it sound like your GF is succeeding in making you feel guilt here?! Please. Being a great boyfriend does not extend to letting her slip out on you when she decides she's crushin' on another guy!

 

Reality check - If she's spending one-on-one time with some guy that she "kinda likes", then she's not investing herself in your relationship. She's investing herself in this other relationship and letting yours wither. Which either means that she's hoping he'll reciprocate, or because he already has, in which case she's mentally gone from you already.

 

She needs to stop playing you and make a decision: Where does she want to put her romantic energies? Chances are she already knows the answer to this question. In order for her to let you in on what that answer is, you need to stop letting her have it both ways.

[crazy_grl]

Having feelings for another person while you're in a relationship is not normal... for someone who's got their act together anyway. Being attracted to other people might be, but not actually letting yourself develop any kind of feelings for them. IMO, if you think you have feelings for someone who's not your SO, they are the last person you should be spending time alone with, and you should be limiting your time with them as much as possible until you're sure you're over your crush.

 

If your gf continues to spend time with a guy she "kinda likes", it shows she's not dedicated to your relationship. You're not insecure if it's just this one guy you have a problem with and not any others. She probably "kinda liked" him from the beginning and you picked up on that. If that's not the case and your disapproval made her like him because he seemed more "off limits" than other men, then that shows major immaturity on her part.

 

You're in a tough situation here, because it's one of those "him or me" things. I wish I could give you advice on how to handle it, but that's something I'm still trying to figure out the best way to handle. The best I’ve come up with so far is that, ideally, your SO would understand how it’s making you feel and agree to not see that person. If they don’t do it of their own free will (without an ultimatum), then they’re obviously not respecting the relationship and don’t have your best interests at heart. At that point, you have to consider whether you’re willing to be in that kind of relationship.