will he ever propose

[mel1128]

So, I thought I had it awful but after reading some of these posts, my situation may pale in comparison to some. Anyhow..this may take quite a bit of explaining...be prepared...

 

Ok, my bf and I have been dating for a little over 6 years. He is 21, I am 20. We both still live at home. I am in my third year of undergrad. He was going to college also, but then dropped out. Now, he is halfway through the police academy (three out of six months). Recently we have been dealing with some serious issues in our relationship. I've been told all along by his family that being with a cop will be very difficult (his dad is a cop), and that I will have to deal with a lot. When he first started the academy...he became really focused. I took the back burner. We fought constantly. Then I realized that at the time he needed my support most, all I was doing was picking fights.

 

So after one particularly nasty fight, and week-long break up, I realized I need to make a decision - could I live with his career choice? Could I deal with the stress and the worry that would inevitably arise? I decided that it was my only option, because I love him - he is my heart and soul and I could never leave him. I resolved to give him my unconditional support and understanding, 100% of the time. Needless to say, we fixed things, he started to make more time for me, I became more independent, less needy, and more understanding.

 

Now, the real problems: I plan on going to vet school. If I get accepted, I will be moving to VA for school, which is a 4 hour drive, with little traffic. All along until about a year ago, he had planned on getting a 4 year degree, we were going to get married, and then he would move with me to VA and start his career there. He promised me all along he would never work in PG County - a county that borders DC and is the worst county in the state of MD, not only because I didn't want him to because of how unsafe it is, but because he didn't want to.

 

Now he broke that promise and is in the PG academy because his parents pushed him to work there and it was the easiest thing to do b/c of his dad being an "in" (his dad works there). After some time, I got over it and accepted it. The problem lies in the fact that now he all of a sudden cannot decide whether he wants to go with me or stay here for his job. His parents expect that he is going to stay here while I go to VA - that we will be apart for 4 years. They put a lot of pressure on him, and he hasn't told them otherwise, for fear they will never forgive him. They are really intent that it is in his best interest to stay here and work because of the time he spent in the academy, pay, benefits, and retirement. Police can retire after 20 years; but if he goes to another precinct and then returns....he'd actually be working 24 instead of 20 years. He even tells me that he doesn't know what to do, he feels pulled in both directions and can't make a decision.

 

My point of view: I will be sacrificing my whole life for him - I will have to worry about him day in and day out. I made that choice to stay with him, and I plan on sticking by it. I have been completely supportive of his dream. Now I need to pursue my own dream, and the only way to do that is to move out of state to go to vet school. There is no vet school in my state and VA Tech is my best shot of getting in (contract w/ MD). The 4 years that I am in vet school I will need to be the most focused of my entire life. I need him there with me to truly do this. What I DONT need is to have him so far away, out on the streets working the beat...and me worrying about him constantly because of the distance and his job. That will completely take my focus off where it should be. So I know in my heart that if he does not come with me, it will be the end of our relationship. I have made this clear to him as well, but still he can't make a decision one way or the other. Every time we try to talk about it, we end up fighting, so we have agreed to stop talking about it for now. I mostly feel that I have no choice but to move if I am going to pursue my dream of becoming a vet. He can still work as a cop in VA. I just don't understand why his decision is such a difficult one. For me, it wouldn't even be a choice...

 

However, in the last few weeks, he has started asking me questions about engagement rings, and dropping hints that he would be proposing soon. I got really confused, and asked him what engagement meant to him. He said it meant we would get married soon. I then responded by saying I really, really want to get married BUT I did not want to get married unless I had the security of knowing he would without a doubt be coming with me to VA. He said he already knew that, and that we were on the same page. I said I was still really confused as I thought he could not decide what he wanted to do. I asked why he was dropping hints about getting engaged. He responded with "well, I have to, in case I change my mind" By this time, I was thoroughly confused, and we ended the conversation.

 

Now, I really don't know what to think. His parents have been pressuring him all along that he should stay here; they expect it. He knows they will flip out if he tells them otherwise. Thus, he doesnt plan on telling them for a long while if he decides to come with me. However, if we get engaged/married, they'd have to know that he had decided that. I hope they wouldn't be that stupid. So again, I am just completely confused as to what he really wants and is trying to tell me, if he is so indecisive, why is he asking me questions about engagement rings?? I need other people's opinions as this has just been driving me absolutely insane.

 

For a long time, he refused to even talk about anything to do with the future; he shies away from having to think about it. He has a lot of growing up to do - sometimes I still think he's in a 16 year old mindframe and wonder if that will ever change. Lately though, he has started bringing up the subject on his own, and I try to let him do most of the talking. I don't push too much as I feel like we are making progress (a little) and if I push too much we'll be right back to square one and he will just clam up again. I also feel like I've grown up some and am starting to want different things than him, but then I also question if maybe I'm just too pushy and rush into things. Then again, it has been 6 years, and I really, really want to get engaged, move in together, and get married. I love him dearly, but I do not want to waste any more time if he will just stay here and we will break up in the long run. WHAT DO I DO?!!!!

[mel1128]

Please disregard this post. It is a double post of the other one. I made it before I registered; since it didn't show I didn't know it had worked so I registered and re-posted. Mods, can you delete this double post? Thanks.

[MelanieM]

I feel so sorry for you, I understand that you love this boy but do not put your dreams aside to suit him if he is not willing to do the same for you. You only have one life and you need to be everything you can be.

 

Just give him time, let him think about it, don't push him. I know you are sick of waiting but you don't want to push him away.

 

He obviously loves you, you and he have been together a long time, he is thinking about leaving everything he knows behind to be with you, it can't be easy for him. Plus he is thinking about proposing to you.

 

I have been in a relationship for just over a year and a half but was previously in a 7 year relationship and couldn't imagine being in this position. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and could never imagine my life without him but I have my family, friends and job here plus it's my home, its familiar. I know he told you he would move with you and you must feel disappointed but sometimes when it seems so far away it's easy to agree to something but when the time comes, fear creeps in.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you can sort this out. Love like this doesn't come along everyday, you are meant to be together.

 

Melanie x