i really need advice

[mel1128]

So, I thought I had it awful but after reading some of these posts, my situation may pale in comparison to some. Anyhow..this may take quite a bit of explaining...be prepared...

 

Ok, my bf and I have been dating for a little over 6 years. He is 21, I am 20. We both still live at home. I am in my third year of undergrad. He was going to college also, but then dropped out. Now, he is halfway through the police academy (three out of six months). Recently we have been dealing with some serious issues in our relationship. I've been told all along by his family that being with a cop will be very difficult (his dad is a cop), and that I will have to deal with a lot. When he first started the academy...he became really focused. I took the back burner. We fought constantly. Then I realized that at the time he needed my support most, all I was doing was picking fights.

 

So after one particularly nasty fight, and week-long break up, I realized I need to make a decision - could I live with his career choice? Could I deal with the stress and the worry that would inevitably arise? I decided that it was my only option, because I love him - he is my heart and soul and I could never leave him. I resolved to give him my unconditional support and understanding, 100% of the time. Needless to say, we fixed things, he started to make more time for me, I became more independent, less needy, and more understanding.

 

Now, the real problems: I plan on going to vet school. If I get accepted, I will be moving to VA for school, which is a 4 hour drive, with little traffic. All along until about a year ago, he had planned on getting a 4 year degree, we were going to get married, and then he would move with me to VA and start his career there. He promised me all along he would never work in PG County - a county that borders DC and is the worst county in the state of MD, not only because I didn't want him to because of how unsafe it is, but because he didn't want to.

 

Now he broke that promise and is in the PG academy because his parents pushed him to work there and it was the easiest thing to do b/c of his dad being an "in" (his dad works there). After some time, I got over it and accepted it. The problem lies in the fact that now he all of a sudden cannot decide whether he wants to go with me or stay here for his job. His parents expect that he is going to stay here while I go to VA - that we will be apart for 4 years. They put a lot of pressure on him, and he hasn't told them otherwise, for fear they will never forgive him. They are really intent that it is in his best interest to stay here and work because of the time he spent in the academy, pay, benefits, and retirement. Police can retire after 20 years; but if he goes to another precinct and then returns....he'd actually be working 24 instead of 20 years. He even tells me that he doesn't know what to do, he feels pulled in both directions and can't make a decision.

 

My point of view: I will be sacrificing my whole life for him - I will have to worry about him day in and day out. I made that choice to stay with him, and I plan on sticking by it. I have been completely supportive of his dream. Now I need to pursue my own dream, and the only way to do that is to move out of state to go to vet school. There is no vet school in my state and VA Tech is my best shot of getting in (contract w/ MD). The 4 years that I am in vet school I will need to be the most focused of my entire life. I need him there with me to truly do this. What I DONT need is to have him so far away, out on the streets working the beat...and me worrying about him constantly because of the distance and his job. That will completely take my focus off where it should be. So I know in my heart that if he does not come with me, it will be the end of our relationship. I have made this clear to him as well, but still he can't make a decision one way or the other. Every time we try to talk about it, we end up fighting, so we have agreed to stop talking about it for now. I mostly feel that I have no choice but to move if I am going to pursue my dream of becoming a vet. He can still work as a cop in VA. I just don't understand why his decision is such a difficult one. For me, it wouldn't even be a choice...

 

However, in the last few weeks, he has started asking me questions about engagement rings, and dropping hints that he would be proposing soon. I got really confused, and asked him what engagement meant to him. He said it meant we would get married soon. I then responded by saying I really, really want to get married BUT I did not want to get married unless I had the security of knowing he would without a doubt be coming with me to VA. He said he already knew that, and that we were on the same page. I said I was still really confused as I thought he could not decide what he wanted to do. I asked why he was dropping hints about getting engaged. He responded with "well, I have to, in case I change my mind" By this time, I was thoroughly confused, and we ended the conversation.

 

Now, I really don't know what to think. His parents have been pressuring him all along that he should stay here; they expect it. He knows they will flip out if he tells them otherwise. Thus, he doesnt plan on telling them for a long while if he decides to come with me. However, if we get engaged/married, they'd have to know that he had decided that. I hope they wouldn't be that stupid. So again, I am just completely confused as to what he really wants and is trying to tell me, if he is so indecisive, why is he asking me questions about engagement rings?? I need other people's opinions as this has just been driving me absolutely insane.

 

For a long time, he refused to even talk about anything to do with the future; he shies away from having to think about it. He has a lot of growing up to do - sometimes I still think he's in a 16 year old mindframe and wonder if that will ever change. Lately though, he has started bringing up the subject on his own, and I try to let him do most of the talking. I don't push too much as I feel like we are making progress (a little) and if I push too much we'll be right back to square one and he will just clam up again. I also feel like I've grown up some and am starting to want different things than him, but then I also question if maybe I'm just too pushy and rush into things. Then again, it has been 6 years, and I really, really want to get engaged, move in together, and get married. I love him dearly, but I do not want to waste any more time if he will just stay here and we will break up in the long run. WHAT DO I DO?!!!!

[submart]

Hello,

 

I'd like to add that though this is a wonderful thing to do to an extent, your looking too much into the future. Let's look at your goals in the short term:

 

1. moving to Va

2. going to med school

3. becoming a doctor

4. continuing a relationship with a boyfriend

 

What you have to deal with:

1. your boyfrieind becoming a cop

2. worrying about your boyfriend in his career

3. the future of your relationship

 

Go ahead and go to med school in VA and get a one bedroom apartment, and focus on your vigorous studies. Boyfriend or not this is your dream, and a darn good one and don't let anybody or anything come in the way of it.

 

You are very young, and you have plenty of time to move in with your boyfriend and get engaged. You can continue to have a relationship with him despite the distance. He can come visit you weekly or bi-weekly so you can devote 100% to your studies. Trust me, he will be a distraction for you. This may work for the best.

 

A career as a police officer is an excellent one. My brother is a police officer and is doing quite well at 23. Though the job can be dangerous, there is a lot of training required on safety. He will be ok. All jobs can be dangerous. Life is dangerous. You can get cut, fall, slip, get beat up, get into a car accident, get cancer, et. Being a police officer is your boyfriend's dream, so please let him live this dream.

 

Your boyfriend is an adult is able to make his own decisions. Trust that he will make the right ones. Family will always offer their advice.

 

You don't need your whole life planned out at 20 years old. Please take a deep breath. You have a lot accomplished in the two decades you've been around. Things change in life, and people change. You really don't need to worry about getting engaged right now. If this is of a huge importance to you, propose to your boyfriend. Many women are doing it.

 

I offer you this advice as somebody who is a future health care professional, several years older than you, famililar with careers in law enforcement, and who at one time wanted her entire life figured out at such a young age. I also have been in long distance relationships and see they can work out great.

 

Take care!

[bab]

First and foremost, no matter what, GO TO VET SCHOOL. You WILL regret that if you stay behind. Don't stay behind. I know it's hard to hear, but In the grand scheme of things, 4 years is not that long, be it waiting 4 years for him, or him having to work for an extra 4 years. If he doesn't come with you, and you break up, it will be okay. Sure, it will suck, but if it's really meant to be he will still be there when you get out. On the other hand if he proposes, he has to be prepared for the fact that you come first, not his parents. Hence not matter what the say, he should be willing to stand up for you.

[a4a]

You can be engaged.......no need to rush into the actual marriage....take your time.

 

I do understand you being worried about him working in PG County!

 

Go to vet school... if you do not you will regret it! Your both growing right now ... you may grow back together....but do not ruin your life or deny yourself what you deserve to hold onto a maybe situation. If you mean that much to him..... he will agree to this and go to VA with you.

 

Best of luck in your endeavors!

 

a4a

[CaterpillarGirl]

Okay, first of all - deep breath.

 

Now, if this was me, I would get engaged, move to VA for vet school without the boyfriend while he worked in PG, 4 yrs later get married and start your life together in whatever city you've decided on. By that point, he will have had time to figure out whether he truly wants to be on the force in PG or in another district and you will have a vet degree and some more life experience to help you and him make this big decision. 4 years sounds like an eternity, I know, especially when what you probably want most of all is to be together, but like the other replies said, it really is not that long at all.

 

Good luck!

 

-CG

[shyguy_2046]

Become a vet and go for your dreams.

Tell him that if he really loved you. He would respect that promise and stop training at PG academy, that he should do a career in VA .Tell him he should be a man and take control of his own future.Tell him that although you respect his parents. He should do something he wants to do and if suceeds in life without becoming a cop.HIS PARENTS WILL STILL LOVE HIM, RESPECT HIM AND WILL STILL BE PROUD OF HIM.

 

If he loves you and cares about you he will change.If he doesn't . tell him you dont want him dead or deppressed from the job.

I hope everything goes well for you

[LifeRealistic]

I would say this - only because you are so young. Dont be a Jessica Simpson. Let me put it that way. Go to school, explore your future! True love does not fade, no matter what the test. If its meant to be it will be.

[mel1128]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm sorry I haven't responded...been real busy studying for finals. Anyhow, I think some of you may have got the wrong idea. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was going to give up my dream of becoming a vet. There's no way I'll do that....if I get into vet school, nothing will stop me from going to VA. I don't expect my bf to give up his career either. The point I was trying to make, which I don't think was very clear was that if I DONT go, I'd be giving up my dream. He can still be a police officer in VA. Even if the benefits and pay aren't as nice as they are here, its only 4 years. Thats my point of view.

 

On another note, him and I had a long discussion a few nights ago. After a lot of back and forth, and me trying to be as objective as possible and talk out all the pros and cons with him, I proposed that once he is out of the academy and on the streets, we do a little experiment. I told him we should go a month of just talking on the phone, and not seeing each other. That way he would know if he really could handle being away from me for extended periods of time. Well, he didn't like that idea too much. He also said that he knew that if he didn't go with me, we would end up breaking up. He said he wouldn't want to do the long distance relationship thing; that it would be too hard. So ultimately, he would have to choose; me or his job here. I told him that I was tired of being strung along and that it wasn't fair to anyone to not make the decision. I told him he needed to make a decision, and tell me one way or the other. He said "well what if I am going to stay here? Would we break up now?" And I said, "well that would make sense wouldn't it if we would just break up anyway why waste two more years??" He got really quiet, and then eventually said "I'm coming to VA with you". I asked him several times if he was serious and if he was going to change his mind. He said nope, I'm tired of worrying about it. I've made the decision, and its not going to change. Then a little bit later, he told me that I should be real nice to him these next few weeks...hinting that I may be getting an engagement ring for christmas.... Keeping fingers crossed that everything works out.....