Oooooh sooo mad I could spit

[pyxiewerks]

Question of the day, especially for the fellas. Why, oh why, when confronted about cheating (or the intent to, which is just about as bad...) do ya lie lie lie? I know the golden rule is "when caught in a lie, deny", but after an e-mail war with the man I just broke up with, I'm left wondering why he could not level with me - there was nothing to lose - I was sure gone from the relationship, no question. I'm certain an admission would have followed had I presented the smoking gun, but I'd rather he wallow in some well-deserved paranoia.

 

A little background for the ladies who met someone through an internet dating service - Met the "man of my dreams" dated for 5 weeks, during which he made all the relationship "noises" making me feel like I was the only one. A peek in his sent mail tells me that at least once he made a date to have coffee with someone from another service. I placed a "dummy" ad to see if he would respond. Boy did he. Right away. After more investigation I saw he was writing to 5-10 eligible women a week, and that he had signed up for several alternative dating service (think "adult"). After being nicely told that I planned on monogamy, he first denies it. I then tell him I have ironclad proof without disclosing what it is. He continued to deny it, made a big deal about my "spying". Never copped to it through all the emails. Beware, young things. They appear oh-so-nice, but a little checking never hurt. Thank god I did.

[Owl]

It's unreasonable to expect unflinching spill-their-guts honesty from anyone, male or female, who has already proven their dishonesty through cheating, lies etc. Sure, he may have had nothing to lose by telling you the truth when you confronted him, but he had nothing to gain either. Therefore, why bother? Why give you the satisfaction? That's how he would have seen it.

 

Now, I must also add that although it worked in this case, spying on your guy isn't normally the greatest idea. I'd be a bit creeped out to learn my girlfriend of five weeks had been rifling through my sent mail folder without my knowledge. Perhaps you had something else to tip you off and raise your suspicions in this case, so I can't be too judgemental. That, and you were seemingly correct in the end. Still, don't make it a habit! If a guy who isn't cheating and isn't lying found you were suspiciously tracking his correspondence, you might very well lose him. Your statement that "a little checking never hurts" is definitely not true!!!

 

Going out with a guy you met on an internet dating service is a real shot in the dark. You might think they sound wonderful, but you don't really know a thing about them (and in retrospect, I'm sure you'll agree wholeheartedly). It's exactly like an employer hiring someone with a great resume but no references -- they sound great, but you don't know if any of it is true. After five weeks, labelling this relative stranger "the man of my dreams" was awfully premature. Maybe for the immediate future you should stick to people you know, or at least people your friends know. That way you at least know they're not a jerk.

 

Cheers

 

P.S. "When caught in a lie, deny?" I've honestly never heard that before

 

Question of the day, especially for the fellas. Why, oh why, when confronted about cheating (or the intent to, which is just about as bad...) do ya lie lie lie? I know the golden rule is "when caught in a lie, deny", but after an e-mail war with the man I just broke up with, I'm left wondering why he could not level with me - there was nothing to lose - I was sure gone from the relationship, no question. I'm certain an admission would have followed had I presented the smoking gun, but I'd rather he wallow in some well-deserved paranoia. A little background for the ladies who met someone through an internet dating service - Met the "man of my dreams" dated for 5 weeks, during which he made all the relationship "noises" making me feel like I was the only one. A peek in his sent mail tells me that at least once he made a date to have coffee with someone from another service. I placed a "dummy" ad to see if he would respond. Boy did he. Right away. After more investigation I saw he was writing to 5-10 eligible women a week, and that he had signed up for several alternative dating service (think "adult"). After being nicely told that I planned on monogamy, he first denies it. I then tell him I have ironclad proof without disclosing what it is. He continued to deny it, made a big deal about my "spying". Never copped to it through all the emails. Beware, young things. They appear oh-so-nice, but a little checking never hurt. Thank god I did.

[pyxiewerks]

Now, I must also add that although it worked in this case, spying on your guy isn't normally the greatest idea. I'd be a bit creeped out to learn my girlfriend of five weeks had been rifling through my sent mail folder without my knowledge. Perhaps you had something else to tip you off

Believe me when I say Owl that I had suspicion to start with (call it intuition backed by fact). For the Record I don't condone peeking at someone else's mail. Yes, the ends justified the means THIS TIME but I still feel very very rotten for having to look, having looked, and having been right. Again, I Don't recommend looking at someone else's correspondence unless you really and truly feel there's going to be something there. I feel almost as guilty as I do angry, but the "Man of my dreams'" (in quotes because it's not meant to be literal) rights to his privacy had to take a back seat to the truth. I did not want to wind up with an STD or a major heartbreak. I have never before, nor will I again, do this, but mainly BECAUSE it's nigh on impossible to get a cheater to admit to what they are up to, I felt the ends justified the means. Thanks for your insight as to the WHY of the lies. I'm hoping to put this WAY behind me. Peace.

[sparkle]

right. Again, I Don't recommend looking at someone else's correspondence unless you really and truly feel there's going to be something there.

Well if you ever feel this way, then you should get out of the relationship. You did not trust him, that is why you looked. And if you can't trust him, then WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM??

 

That's why you should try to meet people in real life, in person, instead of over the net.