back off or keep the same?

[SoConfused]

1. we've been seeing each other off and on for 9 months.

 

2. his divorce has been in process the whole time.

 

3. he told a family member of his that he does like me and he has told me that i am a very good person. he told me he is a very nice guy all the time and "some day i will find that out."

 

4. his kids and allll the kids in the family love me to death. and now the small town "suspects" something. the whole family, cousins, etc., are like my own family, we are all very close.

 

5. we didn't have sex for probably 6 months cuz but now we do and it's usually drunk sex except for occasional mornings. he barely ever kisses.

 

6. he does take me out but his cousin who happens to be my best friend is usually with.

 

7. he has recently started to invite me to things like outings at lake, street dances, etc.

 

8. we live about 45 minutes from each other so only see each other maybe 2-4 days per month. i never hound him. he is very busy with work. so it's more like when he calls, i jump to the opportunity to get to see him.

 

problem is - now i'm falling - hard.

 

question is - should i tell him we need to back it up and slow down until the div. is final or should i keep quiet with things as they are and hope it turns into more?

 

i don't want to end up heart broke, but yet i don't want to prematurely end something that really seems like it's getting better, i.e., deep looks into my eyes, spending more time with me ALONE, opening up, moving forward with the stagnant divorce by offering settlement recently, etc.

 

what is he doing? i'm pretty shy and don't even know what to say to him about what we are doing, where anything is going, and i'm not sure it would be a good idea to bring any of that up in the first place.

 

guys, what's your take on this whole deal? what's going on here? what should i do? thanks

[sparkle]

Never get involved with a man going through a divorce, or one who has just gotten out of a divorce.

 

Period.

[Amy]

I agree. I just went through a similar situation. You will only get hurt. Wait for him to get divorced, get his life back on track and then if you cross path's and decide to date at that point then that's a whole different story. Don't be the transition girl!!!!

1. we've been seeing each other off and on for 9 months. 2. his divorce has been in process the whole time. 3. he told a family member of his that he does like me and he has told me that i am a very good person. he told me he is a very nice guy all the time and "some day i will find that out." 4. his kids and allll the kids in the family love me to death. and now the small town "suspects" something. the whole family, cousins, etc., are like my own family, we are all very close. 5. we didn't have sex for probably 6 months cuz but now we do and it's usually drunk sex except for occasional mornings. he barely ever kisses.

 

6. he does take me out but his cousin who happens to be my best friend is usually with.

 

7. he has recently started to invite me to things like outings at lake, street dances, etc.

 

8. we live about 45 minutes from each other so only see each other maybe 2-4 days per month. i never hound him. he is very busy with work. so it's more like when he calls, i jump to the opportunity to get to see him. problem is - now i'm falling - hard. question is - should i tell him we need to back it up and slow down until the div. is final or should i keep quiet with things as they are and hope it turns into more? i don't want to end up heart broke, but yet i don't want to prematurely end something that really seems like it's getting better, i.e., deep looks into my eyes, spending more time with me ALONE, opening up, moving forward with the stagnant divorce by offering settlement recently, etc.

 

what is he doing? i'm pretty shy and don't even know what to say to him about what we are doing, where anything is going, and i'm not sure it would be a good idea to bring any of that up in the first place. guys, what's your take on this whole deal? what's going on here? what should i do? thanks

[jordana]

Tony, I really enjoy reading you're posts. What do you think about this situation? Sound like the guy is *trying* to move on but maybe too slowly for an anxious girl?

[Tony T]

1. "What do you think about this situation?"

 

It's ALWAYS a terrible idea to pursue someone who is in the process of a divorce. They are very vulnerable and not in a space to be able to strike up a healthy relationship. When they get involved during this time, it's usually a rebound (transitional, healing) relationship and short lived.

 

I think that's what sparkle was trying to get across in her post above.

 

2. "Sound like the guy is *trying* to move on but maybe too slowly for an anxious girl?"

 

Here at LoveShack, we usually use the phrase "move on" to indicate someone is moving away from a relationship rather than more into it.

 

I am supposing that you are saying it sounds like the guy is trying to get more involved in the relationship, which is what I read in the post. Yes, that's what it sounds like...but, again, he is vulnerable and I wouldn't pay a lot of attention to the behavior.

 

People get divorced because they are miserable in a marriage. I would prefer someone get out of their misery and heal from that before I get involved with them.

[Miss Mojo]

hi so confused,

 

what really struck me in your post was your mention of drunken sex and lack of kissing. now, i could be generalising here, but when you're genuinely interested in a person and of mature age like this guy:

 

a) the last thing on your mind would be drunken sex (have you *ever* had sex sober???) i know of lot of people who have had sex for the first time with a new partner and were a little bit drunk, but you've been seeing each other on and off for *9 months* and it's been mainly drunk sex? i can't help but feel that after *9 months*, he should be well on his way to having a great deal of sober sex.

 

b) his lack of kissing is obviously a way to avoid more intimacy. of course sex is intimacy, but some people, when theyr'e drunk, can shut themselves out.

 

perhaps right now he is lacking in confidence to take the relationship into new territory. only with time will he gain confidence, if this is the case.

 

i think this situation is a bit of a worry at this point in time. sure, he might really like you, but he is going through a DIVORCE, which means that he will naturally be carrying a hell of a lot of baggage and is probably not ready to move on just yet, even though he may want to. there are probably still a few painful issues he has right now, and no woman, no matter how brilliant will be able to change what is going to be a natural healing process for him. note he said *ONEDAY* you will find out that he really is a good guy. *ONEDAY* is not now....maybe that was a subtle hint to you because he likes you but is not ready just yet.

 

i would cut the intimacy right now, before you do end up with a broken heart. never get involved with someone who is fresh out of any kind of relationship....they need time to get back on their feet again without confusing anything further and hurting anyone in the process. tell him you really like him too, but this is something that has to happen very slowly and strictly when he is ready too. you do not want to be the rebound girl.

 

good luck

[SoConfused]

we met 9 months ago and didn't have sex for 5 months later and yes it was a drunken. we live 45 miles apart and only see each other every other weekend IF that, so our encounters are few and far between. we party all the time. so when we all get together that's what we do and so that's how it turns out. believe me, i would give anything to spend a sober alone weekend with him but it's always booze, bars, boats, water, parties, people, friends. and next thing ya know.......

 

we've had a few sober sexual occasions which were mornings after.

 

i don't know how to tell him i care about him but that it needs to stop. i suck at communicating.

 

on the other hand, my parents were married 14 years. My dad left my mom for another woman, they got married right away and have been happily married for 22 years.

 

so i'm not sure how i would go about saying it to him but i would want to word it to him that i want to keep the door open.....just not my bedroom door.

 

hi so confused, what really struck me in your post was your mention of drunken sex and lack of kissing. now, i could be generalising here, but when you're genuinely interested in a person and of mature age like this guy: a) the last thing on your mind would be drunken sex (have you *ever* had sex sober???) i know of lot of people who have had sex for the first time with a new partner and were a little bit drunk, but you've been seeing each other on and off for *9 months* and it's been mainly drunk sex? i can't help but feel that after *9 months*, he should be well on his way to having a great deal of sober sex. b) his lack of kissing is obviously a way to avoid more intimacy. of course sex is intimacy, but some people, when theyr'e drunk, can shut themselves out. perhaps right now he is lacking in confidence to take the relationship into new territory. only with time will he gain confidence, if this is the case. i think this situation is a bit of a worry at this point in time. sure, he might really like you, but he is going through a DIVORCE, which means that he will naturally be carrying a hell of a lot of baggage and is probably not ready to move on just yet, even though he may want to. there are probably still a few painful issues he has right now, and no woman, no matter how brilliant will be able to change what is going to be a natural healing process for him. note he said *ONEDAY* you will find out that he really is a good guy. *ONEDAY* is not now....maybe that was a subtle hint to you because he likes you but is not ready just yet. i would cut the intimacy right now, before you do end up with a broken heart. never get involved with someone who is fresh out of any kind of relationship....they need time to get back on their feet again without confusing anything further and hurting anyone in the process. tell him you really like him too, but this is something that has to happen very slowly and strictly when he is ready too. you do not want to be the rebound girl. good luck

[Miss Mojo]

tell it to him exactly as you said it in your post:

 

i care about him but that it needs to stop.

 

and

 

i want to keep the door open.....just not my bedroom door.

 

i think that says exactly what you feel. i didn't think that was a bad effort at saying how you feel at all. just be totally honest with him. tell him if you ever want things to work, it can't be until he knows he is ready to start a relationship again and that you'd understand if he wasn't ready just yet. at the same time though, he has to be prepared to do things your way until he's ready....and that means no sex because you want more than that. he should respect that, and if he doesn't, he obviously isn't the kind of guy you want hanging around.

 

you need to make these things clear to avoid getting hurt.

 

good luck