Is your inner child a brat?

[Becoming]

Does anyone know if it's common among adult survivors of child abuse/neglect to have an out-of-control inner child? I went through therapy about 10 years ago and got in touch with my wounded inner child, but honestly, she's running the show and wants what she wants when she wants it like a 2-year-old throwing a fit. Anyone else encounter this?

[lindya]

Does anyone know if it's common among adult survivors of child abuse/neglect to have an out-of-control inner child? I went through therapy about 10 years ago and got in touch with my wounded inner child, but honestly, she's running the show and wants what she wants when she wants it like a 2-year-old throwing a fit. Anyone else encounter this?

 

I think if you've had an overly controlling or abusive parent, it's understandable that some rebellious child inside you will create havoc once you reach adulthood and it has a bit of opportunity to unleash itself. You probably need to find some sort of creative outlet so that it can channel its angry energy into a more positive cause.

 

It's part of who you are, and it's not going to just go away - so you need to find a way of imposing boundaries on it. Whatever happens, don't allow it to start dabbling in your financial or professional matters.

[Becoming]

Thanks, lindya, good advice. I seem to have internalized some of the abusive parent's controlling without knowing it, so it's no wonder the inner child is rebellious!

 

This is the sadest part about child abuse: we internalize those messages and continue to perpetuate them on ourselves years later.

 

Financial or professional matters? Like how? Doing what?

[lindya]

Financial or professional matters? Like how? Doing what?

 

Oh, you know...letting her get at the bank account as soon as your pay is in, but before any of the bills have been paid. Taking her advice on investment opportunities. Introducing her to your colleagues at the Christmas party and encouraging her to tell them all what she thinks of them.

[HokeyReligions]

Your thread title sure caught my eye!

 

My husband was abused and I can totally understand what you mean. He has tried (subconsciously & consciously) to create his idea of what a happy childhood should be now that he has control over his life, but he isn't always mature enough to find a balance.

 

He has temper issues when things don't go his way and often feels "cheated Again" when adult responsibilities and behaviors are forced on him.

 

He knows he can't go back but he doesn't want to face it and that makes it even more difficult for him to find peace with adulthood.

 

Creative outlets are great though. He is finally learning to channel all the imagination and mischieviousness of a child into creative work. He still seems to need constant reassurance that what he is doing is good and not "stupid" (his word) because sometimes he embarasses himself when his inner child exhibits child-like joy over something (and sometimes it does embarass me too, I hate to admit)

 

When one sees a man in his mid 50's squealing like a child and literally jumping and clapping his hands and loudly giggling over a secret door in a model home you gotta wonder about his mental capacity! That recently happened and it did embarass me. Mature adults don't normally behave this way. I understand why and I don't want to squash is glee, but the looks we got from the realtor did give me a moment of embarassment. That and when he was sitting on a bench in a discount shoe store and called to me across the store about not forgetting to get a personal item at the grocery store. It's cute when a three year old shouts 'momma, sister said don't forget her tampons" in the middle of a crowd, but its quite a bit different when an adult shouts something like that.

 

Do try to guide that inner child so she grows up healthy and mature -- just like you would raise your own child. Teach her right from wrong and learn about age-appropriate behavior--find a middle ground and compromise. Where would this type of behavior from an adult be suitable? What activity?

 

It might be something as simple as volunteering to read stories to children at a library or hospital--where you can act out the characters and be totally appealing to the children AND respected and accepted by the adults. Where you can buy things that you as the adult don't need, but the child wants and you can share those things with other kids.

 

My husband used to be a mall santa and he was great at that - perfect compromise for him---he got to play with 'other' kids and yet satisfy his adult need for control.

 

You are not alone. You've also helped me realize that when I see other adults behaving in a way that seems childish it may be because they have no other outlet and perhaps they come from a painful/abusive/neglectful childhood themselves.

[Becoming]

Oh, Hokey, thanks! I understand your h. And also your embarassment--it's mine too, to the point where I feel slightly schizoid sometimes. The appropriate adult/child outlets is a fabulous idea.

 

I feel like I'm trying to have a childhood I never had, but as an adult, which is really not understood by most of the world. Yet I do have to be an adult, too, which sucks sometimes because a part of me is stuck at age 5 and wants me to constantly pay attention to her and makes sure I do in one way or another, often by throwing tantrums to sabotage my adult life.

 

Your h's lucky. Adult abused children know we're no picnic to live with (at least the aware ones do). Having someone who appreciates us and doesn't shame us is so important. Thanks.