Mixed Signals? Actions speak louder than words? ..or am I just dumb?

[Donburi]

I really don't understand what is going on with my ex. We've been broken up for almost seven months now (yikes! time flies, even when you're not having fun!) I'd say we were pretty serious, dated for three years, and planned on moving to Japan this spring...which we will both still be doing BUT the question is, will we be together?! WE SHALL SEE!

 

Anyhoo, I'm a dummy. Not doing NC, which is probably the only thing that comes close to making my ex realize if he wants me back! I know I know, NC is for healing and moving on, but tell me, do you know ANYONE who doesn't play some sort of game in ANY relationship in one way or another? I know I'm guilty. Hopefully there are decent people out there.

 

Things have made some progress...but it could just be my ex being comfortable hanging around me again, I'm not quite sure. See, the reason for our breakup is because I was unfaithful...I don't feel like going into that at the moment. But the point is, we would still be together if I wasn't so stupid and selfish. But, to make things more simple and understandable, here is a little timeline chart thingy to show you what "progress" has been made.

 

1-2 months. We were talking, but barely. We only talked online, and he had gone to Japan for about three weeks, where we hardly had any contact at all. Conversations were polite and civil, but kind of awkward.

 

3-4 months. Things were getting a bit better. I was invited to "hang out" a few times, but most of our interaction took place online. Had some fights about what happened, and discussed the "future."

 

5-6 months. Things get a little more comfortable. School started and he even signed up for the classes I was taking. (which we had always done before since we are going for the same degree.) Since school started I began to hang out his house twice a week, usually leaving around 9 at night or so.

 

Mid 6th month-Present day! Things are even more comfortable! Still attending the classes and I am now even hanging out on non-school days sometimes. He is acting more and more like the way he did when we were dating (the first 4 months or so he wasn't exactly cold, but he certainly had a wall up.) He is not being affectionate or anything, but it's just little things...things that I'm probably just reading into too much. He is starting to do this kinda baby type talk he used to do, when we're hanging out and I say its time to go home he gets this kinda pouty look and asks why, etc...I dunno, just little things like that. Two months ago, whenever I said I was taking off, he would just say okie doke, have a goodnight. I have been sleeping over his place alot recently, too. He has a couch in his room so he takes that and I sleep in his bed. Most of the time HE offers me to stay the night, either because its too late and he doesn't want me to drive, or if he wanted to do something the next day. Two months ago, he wasn't too concerned about me driving home late.

Whenever we have talks about US though, he always says the same thing, the same thing he has been saying since day one. He doesn't know what is going to happen. He just doesn't want to date at all right now. He says he doesn't have feelings for me right now, and can't gaurantee if we'll get back together or not. He can't say its over for sure, and says I should wait only if I want to, which he knows I do. He says he isn't going to concern himself with dating right now, since he will be moving soon, so I'm assuming if we were to get back together, it would be around that time. I hurt him very badly, and he says the best way we can work on things is if we be friends first, to built back the trust that I had selfishly broken (he didn't say that, but I'm sure thats how he feels.)

 

I just don't know what to think. We had a month and a half break about a year and a half ago. We "brokeup/took a break" a few weeks before our three week trip together to Japan, which we still took together, but still on the "break." We went there as friends, fought almost everyday, I always asked why we couldn't work things out, he said we can, he just needed space (I was a bit needy back then and suffocated him) and THEN, like, a few days before we had to leave, I felt something. We were in our hostel, both of us sitting in his bed, and it just felt right. He didn't really indicate anything. I sat close to him and kinda leaned on him, and started being affectionate, and he didn't stop me, so it lead to, ahem, another activities. And then we got back together for another year and a half.

 

Sometimes I get that feeling when I'm around him. But I don't want to be the one to start anything. I want him to indicate when and if he is ready, I want to respect him and give him the space he needs. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm just confused. I don't know if things ARE progressing, OR if he is actually happy just being friends or what.

 

Oh, and I was wondering, if we did get back together, would it be selfish of me to ask him to contribute on making it work too? I mean, I know since I cheated I have to do most of the work on making things right, but one of the problems was he spent all his time playing videogames and hardly spent quality time with me. So, would it be selfish to ask him, if we got back together, to maybe make a little more effort spending time with me, doing thigns we can both enjoy? Just a thought. Thanks for reading.

[Donburi]

Any advice at all? please? Does it seem like there is a reason why he has been slowly changing his behavior these past 7 months, or is he just using me as a safety net until something better comes along?

[Confused5433]

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me about 3 months ago. We communicated by email for the first and the second month, now recently we meet face to face to discuss our situation. In my mind, it is over and I couldn't see myself back with him because I would half guess everything he said since he cheated on me. The trust is gone, and even being friends with him is difficult.

In my heart, I still love him and miss him and have intentions of getting back with him

What your ex is doing is a normal process to figure out his feeling. He obviously still cares for you, if not he would have kicked you to the curb right after he found out what you did. At the same time he is trying to figure out if it is worth giving you a second chance. If you got physical with him and he is trying to develop a deeper relationship with you, then maybe he is getting close to being convinced that you are the right girl for him. However, if he starts to withdraw and act indifferent and inconsiderate. Then watch out...because maybe he is using you as a comfort net and it's not fair for you.

 

My best advice is to first figure out if you really want this guy in your life.

If so, prove to him by actions (not sex) that you are worth trusting again. Be consistent in your good behavior and prove to him that you love him. Only then, and with time (you must give him all the time he needs) will he figure out if he wants to take you back.

Pay attention if he truly is interested and is taking some steps forward with you. Fight for your guy and don't give up, unless he decides to not have you in his life. If there was love once, then you can get it back if you are persistent.

That's my biggest problem with my ex, he says he loves me and has changed, but he just won't put in the effort and to me that means he just doesn't care as much as I do.

 

Good Luck and take careful steps!!!!

[Donburi]

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me about 3 months ago. We communicated by email for the first and the second month, now recently we meet face to face to discuss our situation. In my mind, it is over and I couldn't see myself back with him because I would half guess everything he said since he cheated on me. The trust is gone, and even being friends with him is difficult.

In my heart, I still love him and miss him and have intentions of getting back with him

What your ex is doing is a normal process to figure out his feeling. He obviously still cares for you, if not he would have kicked you to the curb right after he found out what you did. At the same time he is trying to figure out if it is worth giving you a second chance. If you got physical with him and he is trying to develop a deeper relationship with you, then maybe he is getting close to being convinced that you are the right girl for him. However, if he starts to withdraw and act indifferent and inconsiderate. Then watch out...because maybe he is using you as a comfort net and it's not fair for you.

 

My best advice is to first figure out if you really want this guy in your life.

If so, prove to him by actions (not sex) that you are worth trusting again. Be consistent in your good behavior and prove to him that you love him. Only then, and with time (you must give him all the time he needs) will he figure out if he wants to take you back.

Pay attention if he truly is interested and is taking some steps forward with you. Fight for your guy and don't give up, unless he decides to not have you in his life. If there was love once, then you can get it back if you are persistent.

That's my biggest problem with my ex, he says he loves me and has changed, but he just won't put in the effort and to me that means he just doesn't care as much as I do.

 

Good Luck and take careful steps!!!!

 

Thank you so much, Confused, it is one thing to take advice from people, and certainly another to take it from someone who has gone through the same situation.

I really would like to make this work, and I guess the only thing I can do is to keep on doing what I'm doing, which is also what you suggested: just be there for him and show him I'm worthy of his love and trust again. Sometimes I mess up and act like a child though...perhaps when I do so it sets me back a step.

I agree with you that its up to him when to decide, but I sometimes just can't understand why he has no clue what to do, even after 7 months. Is this normal? I've told him so many times that it was ok to tell me if it was over for good, I wouldn't go kill myself or anything like that but he says he can't say its over, but also can't say we'll get back together, either. This is when I start to doubt him and worry that I may be a "backup" plan. How long can he go on saying these kind of things? Maybe he is waiting for me to end it, since he cannot do it himself...

He really has changed though, since this all has happened. But I wonder if his behavior is the way it is only because maybe after all these months, he is ok with being just friends now, or maybe he got over what I did and isn't constantly thinking of it when I'm around. Would it be possible to get over someone while still being in contact with them?

So, I take it you and your ex are still working things out? Have you decided what you would like to do? When he asks about the future, what kind of things do you tell him?

I am not sure what kind of signs to look out for, even though I have noticed changes in him, I cannot really pinpoint what they are.

What would you like to see your ex doing to show that he cares? I am trying to act like the way a good girlfriend right now, but it is hard, because first of all he doesn't want anything to do with dating. Heck, we haven't even hugged yet. I asked for one a month ago and he said it was still too hard to do something like that. So I just kinda act like a good buddy.

I would love to hear more advice from you, if you wouldn't mind.

Thank you so much for replying.

[lamento]

When a guys has been screwed around on he never forgets - if you're in the position where he's still not made up his mind I'd very careful - this is where the green eyed revenge monster slides around the corner - I've been there - I wanted her so badly but the nagging doubt was always there - I was just waiting for any sign from her that she was totally untrustworthy - If you can work on proving to him you can be trustworthy and he is a half reasonable and caring guy there is a chance - if he can forgive.. that usually happens after the the couple in question separate and the issues are about being friends again.

[Donburi]

When a guys has been screwed around on he never forgets - if you're in the position where he's still not made up his mind I'd very careful - this is where the green eyed revenge monster slides around the corner - I've been there - I wanted her so badly but the nagging doubt was always there - I was just waiting for any sign from her that she was totally untrustworthy - If you can work on proving to him you can be trustworthy and he is a half reasonable and caring guy there is a chance - if he can forgive.. that usually happens after the the couple in question separate and the issues are about being friends again.

 

Thanks for the reply, Lamento! Over these past 7 months, I have had my childish moments during some of our fights about "us" but I never did nor do I plan to do anything that would make him not trust me (well, any less, that is

)

I am just so puzzled as to how long its been already and why he doesn't know what to do yet...

I wonder, how long should one wait to be given a second chance? We both move to Japan next spring, so I will have my answer by then, I guess...

So I'm guessing you went through a similar situation? If you don't mind me asking, how did things turn out?

[lamento]

it was never the same and there were moments when it all came back with a thud - as mature and nice a person can be it's one of the hardest things to forgive - we didn't do enough talking about it and it was always in the air.

 

I reasoned that I wanted the girl back and she was sorry enough.. one of those things - we both made it clear once the subject was breached and talked about that we would drop it - things wouldn't work out if she had a constant guilt complex as I was very hurt but I needed to at least try to make things work to make me realise it wasn't my fault. Whatever the reason was she felt she needed to be unfaithful for I felt it had something in part to do with me and wanted to find out the problem.

 

I never had a problem - I am what I am and felt there was no need to change what wasn't broken - I was always good to her.

 

Resentment built up later once things got settled and the thought of it came up too often. I felt I gave in too easily because of the emotional tie and she got off too lightly - I also felt I deserved better in the long run. I didn't want to even give her a reason for me breaking up as I didn't feel she was worthy of one in the end - maybe sounding callous but I have feelings and we all act on them right or wrong. All the anger I should have had at the beginning came up later and we weren't away from each other long enough to build up trust in a friendship.. if it ever came to that after time.

 

Basically I lost respect for myself and eventually for her..

[Donburi]

it was never the same and there were moments when it all came back with a thud - as mature and nice a person can be it's one of the hardest things to forgive - we didn't do enough talking about it and it was always in the air.

 

I reasoned that I wanted the girl back and she was sorry enough.. one of those things - we both made it clear once the subject was breached and talked about that we would drop it - things wouldn't work out if she had a constant guilt complex as I was very hurt but I needed to at least try to make things work to make me realise it wasn't my fault. Whatever the reason was she felt she needed to be unfaithful for I felt it had something in part to do with me and wanted to find out the problem.

 

I never had a problem - I am what I am and felt there was no need to change what wasn't broken - I was always good to her.

 

Resentment built up later once things got settled and the thought of it came up too often. I felt I gave in too easily because of the emotional tie and she got off too lightly - I also felt I deserved better in the long run. I didn't want to even give her a reason for me breaking up as I didn't feel she was worthy of one in the end - maybe sounding callous but I have feelings and we all act on them right or wrong. All the anger I should have had at the beginning came up later and we weren't away from each other long enough to build up trust in a friendship.. if it ever came to that after time.

 

Basically I lost respect for myself and eventually for her..

 

I see...so, even if the unfaithful partner shows remorse and becomes trustworthy again...it still may not be enough. Depressing news...but something I definitely need to keep in mind. This is certainly not going to be an easy ride.

 

I need to stay realistic and keep this in mind, but its hard sometimes. He really is acting more nicer and closer (not nessecarilly in a "boyfriend" way, but it's still something, and its definitely alot different from the way he treats his other female friends) than he was 2 or 3 months ago. I am setting myself up for potential emotional pain: I'm becoming more and more hopeful.

 

Yesterday I was hit with some reality, though. It was a school day. We always meet up in the morning class together, then afterwards head to his house and hang out there til next class, which we then take the same car to. Well, when we were at his house in between classes, I got in a giddy mood because he was acting goofy and silly. He was sitting at his computer desk, and I came up being him and starting shaking his shoulders and poking him, messing around with him a little bit. He seemed ok with it for a moment, then asked me to stop. I did, then asked if everything was ok, and he just turned around with a kinda sad look on his face and said he wasn't comfortable with me touching him yet. It's been about 7 months now (I asked for a hug about a month or two ago which he turned down, so I should have been more careful) but still, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was quiet the whole way to our next class, and along the way he kept asking what was wrong (though I'm sure he knew what) and tried to cheer me up by being goofy, and pointing out things, like if a cute dog was around or something. After class on the way back to the car, I apologized for being so quiet earlier. He asked why I was and I explained that it just hurt to hear that touching him made him uncomfortable, and that sometimes our situation, "us", seemed hopeless. He was silent for a moment and then simply just said "I know.." I said "hmm, thats not very good, coming from you." And he said "oh, no, I mean, I understand why it seems hopeless sometimes. But, just don't worry about it right now, ok?" and it kinda just ended there. We went shopping and ate dinner, and then he went to blockbusters to rent a movie I've been wanting to see, March of the Penguins (what a cute movie!). Then his buddies came over and they played a rpg game, and he invited me to stay the night since it was too late to drive home. And...that was that.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is using the time we have left here in the US (we both move to Japan next spring) to I dunno..."test" me or something. To see if I am really serious about our relationship and/or to see if I'm worthy of trust again. Does that sound like a possibility or am I just crazy?

Oh and one more thing, when I said because touching him made him feel comfortable our future seems hopeless, he said something along the lines of that just because he feels that way now, it might not be like that in the future, time heals all wounds...or something like that...

Anyway, thank you for those who took the time to read.

[Donburi]

it was never the same and there were moments when it all came back with a thud - as mature and nice a person can be it's one of the hardest things to forgive - we didn't do enough talking about it and it was always in the air.

 

I reasoned that I wanted the girl back and she was sorry enough.. one of those things - we both made it clear once the subject was breached and talked about that we would drop it - things wouldn't work out if she had a constant guilt complex as I was very hurt but I needed to at least try to make things work to make me realise it wasn't my fault. Whatever the reason was she felt she needed to be unfaithful for I felt it had something in part to do with me and wanted to find out the problem.

 

I never had a problem - I am what I am and felt there was no need to change what wasn't broken - I was always good to her.

 

Resentment built up later once things got settled and the thought of it came up too often. I felt I gave in too easily because of the emotional tie and she got off too lightly - I also felt I deserved better in the long run. I didn't want to even give her a reason for me breaking up as I didn't feel she was worthy of one in the end - maybe sounding callous but I have feelings and we all act on them right or wrong. All the anger I should have had at the beginning came up later and we weren't away from each other long enough to build up trust in a friendship.. if it ever came to that after time.

 

Basically I lost respect for myself and eventually for her..

 

I see...so, even if the unfaithful partner shows remorse and becomes trustworthy again...it still may not be enough. Depressing news...but something I definitely need to keep in mind. This is certainly not going to be an easy ride.

 

I need to stay realistic and keep this in mind, but its hard sometimes. He really is acting more nicer and closer (not nessecarilly in a "boyfriend" way, but it's still something, and its definitely alot different from the way he treats his other female friends) than he was 2 or 3 months ago. I am setting myself up for potential emotional pain: I'm becoming more and more hopeful.

 

Yesterday I was hit with some reality, though. It was a school day. We always meet up in the morning class together, then afterwards head to his house and hang out there til next class, which we then take the same car to. Well, when we were at his house in between classes, I got in a giddy mood because he was acting goofy and silly. He was sitting at his computer desk, and I came up behind him and starting shaking his shoulders and poking him, messing around with him a little bit. He seemed ok with it for a moment, then asked me to stop. I did, then asked if everything was ok, and he just turned around with a kinda sad look on his face and said he wasn't comfortable with me touching him yet. It's been about 7 months now (I asked for a hug about a month or two ago which he turned down, so I should have been more careful) but still, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was quiet the whole way to our next class, and along the way he kept asking what was wrong (though I'm sure he knew what) and tried to cheer me up by being goofy, and pointing out things, like if a cute dog was around or something. After class on the way back to the car, I apologized for being so quiet earlier. He asked why I was and I explained that it just hurt to hear that touching him made him uncomfortable, and that sometimes our situation, "us", seemed hopeless. He was silent for a moment and then simply just said "I know.." I said "hmm, thats not very good, coming from you." And he said "oh, no, I mean, I understand why it seems hopeless sometimes. But, just don't worry about it right now, ok?" and it kinda just ended there. We went shopping and ate dinner, and then he went to blockbusters to rent a movie I've been wanting to see, March of the Penguins (what a cute movie!). Then his buddies came over and they played a rpg game, and he invited me to stay the night since it was too late to drive home. And...that was that.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is using the time we have left here in the US (we both move to Japan next spring) to I dunno..."test" me or something. To see if I am really serious about our relationship and/or to see if I'm worthy of trust again. Does that sound like a possibility or am I just crazy?

Oh and one more thing, when I said because touching him made him feel uncomfortable our future seems hopeless, he said something along the lines of that just because he feels that way now, it might not be like that in the future, time heals all wounds...or something like that...

Anyway, thank you for those who took the time to read.

[LifeRealistic]

ok you will all think this one is nuts- I think if he does NOT love you, you can get back together. I think if he DOES love you, the pain would just be too real, too much to ever want to take the chance of hurting again.