If you are/were a jealous exwife...i need your advice

[almostthere]

I have been seeing my bf now for 8 months. just the past two months have been really serious. He is slowly moving me into his house. I spend 6 nights a week there and he spends the other one with me. he went out last night and bought me a blow dryer, shampoo and conditioner, toothbrush...everything i need to get ready at his house. And he told me I have a garage door opener coming soon. So I can come and fo as I please. Now this is the part I need your help with. I am falling in love with him...and i know he feels the same way obviously. My kids adore him and his kids like me. I just met them for the first time last Sunday. I saw his kids this morning and his oldest gave me a hug. So everything sounds good so far.....

 

However....his exwife wants him back. I have been trying to be respectful and not rub our relationship in her face. But now is calling all the time. Asking for him to come back. I am done allowing her to frustrate me.

 

The reason why I wanted jealous exwives' opinions is because I want to know what he could do/say to make her stop. And if you think I am overstepping my boundries if I were to say something myself to her?

 

I dont want to leave him over this but I am tired of him answering the phone every time she calls and arguing with her.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I dont know what to do to make this stop and after 8 months...as i am sure you can imagine...I am fed up.

 

Side note...they were divorced for a year and half before I met him.

[OldEurope]

Dear Almost,

 

It might not help that I am no jealous ex wife, but have more experience in the position you are in.

 

There are some reflections on this kind of matter I have that may help you in some way:

 

1) The superior high ground (without cockiness) is the way to go in terms of your own comportment, first of all. That is, you do not become unwound or undone by her meddling; you act the more supreme being; dignified, firm, self control--absolutely no "lowering" yourself to her game. She is trying to get under your skin and make you "nervous", insecure. A harsh reaction will give that to her. She will know you are bothered, doubtful. Whatever you are inside, to her show your fortitude and strength.

 

2) Your boyfriend, out of love for you and a desire to give you peace of mind, has only to tell the ex to please stop calling; or, if she must speak to one of the kids sometime or has some "excuse", that he will only take the call where there is a legitimate issue at hand. He must tell her UNEQUIVOCALLY that his heart and mind are spoken for now, that his marriage to her is over, and that he will NOT ALLOW any intrusions into his and your private life. In your expression of your intolerance of this situation, you may say to him, if you have not already, but in the most low-tone way, that this situation is "not acceptable". No more no less. DO NOT lose your cool.

 

3) If he does not do this, you have a true problem and better to bring light to it now rather than later, well past new hair dryers and tooth brushes. I understand wanting to be a "gentleman"; I do not understand push-overs, wishy-washy or personal uncertainty.

 

4) The ex's behavior is not untypical. Bruised ego and shock come together in an uncontrollable last stab to...maintain control of him. She has no right to any claim on him being divorced. She wants to throw a wedge into your relationship, make you flip out, add stress to your domestic life, and thereby show him that his "first round" was a better thing. Do not stand for it. Firm, strong, and low-key--this is how to be

 

oe

[littlekitty]

OE has it down to pat here. Exactly right.

 

The only thing I would add (having been through something similar) is that sometimes the reason the man takes a little pushing to tell thier ex-partner to stop is not because they aren't certain, but because they don't wish to hurt their ex-partner anymore than they are already.

 

Generally all men will have a breaking point though, and can be made to understand that it is not acceptable, and that their ex-partner MUST be told the facts of the situation until they finally understand.

 

For my bf it took a long conversation with this ex-partner and telling her that he loved me now. That he was sorry, but that that wasn't going to change and he wasn't going to come back. He made it clear. DEAD CLEAR, because she wasn't accepting the gentle words telling her it wasn't going to happen.

 

It truely amazes me how long after the fact some women will so go ALL OUT to get back a man who left them. Personally I'd like to think I'd have more dignity. If he walks away from you, it's over. Except and move on for Christ Sake! Grrrr!!!!

[cplfun13]

I brought up my concerns to my mother in law once (of my now ex) and she said something that stuck with me for a long time. She said that he acted this way with his ex wife because he felt obligated to. Even though they are divorced or separated that does not erase the years. It is not a switch that can just be turned off.

It did not help me emotionally when it would happen but it did give me another view that made sense. I did not get so angry at him. It lasted for 2 1/2 years and then it mellowed out, but it never totally stops. Especially if kids are involved. You can't erase his passed. Be open with him and share your feelings.

Do you know what he wants? Does he have any desire to go back to her? If not then, as a partner that loves him you should not turn your back when it gets rough. Hang in there. But keep communication open. Good luck

[Mz. Pixie]

They have children together so of course he wants to keep the peace.