frustrated and sad Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 6 years of porn and counting -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I never realized how big of an issue the porn is, until just recently. We have fought about porn before, and he just tries to tell me that it is natural. But is it natural when we have sex maybe once every 3 weeks. He is 26 and i am 24. His sex drive should be huge!?!?!?! Nope, he never wants to have sex, generally the only time we have sex, is when i initiate it, or he starts things after i am asleep. I first found out, by finding a towel by the computer one day. I let it go. I don't agree with the use of porn, but i can tolerate it a little bit. No big deal he's a guy, it's natural...isnt it? Well i am coming to learn that it is not. we generally work opposite shifts at work. And when i check the internet history i can see what he has been looking at. I set traps to see what he has been doing. I try to ignor eit in hopes that it would go away, but it doesn't. The bigger problem is i know that he masturbates to the porn during the day, then when i want to have sex, or be intimate with him at night, he says he's not in the mood. We have talked about it in the past, he just says that it is natural for guys to look at porn. Is it? When i ask him about the lack of sex in our relationship, he says it is the uncomfortablness he has for his own body. Our sex life used to be amazing, and it just sort of died. I have told him tha tif he doesn't want me sexually any more to tell me, and i would leave..but he won't admit to it. I am so frustrated, and it makes me very upset i am thinking about leaving him, but i if he has this problem with porn, i think i shoudl at least try and help him, and save the relationship, before leaving. can anyone shed some light on this for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I'll say before what I said to you elsewhere - choosing porn over you may mean that he's unhappy with the relationship as a whole. You assuming it's an 'addiction' won't help matters. Have a heart-to-heart (meaning you not telling him what you think he's feeling but allowing him to tell you what he's feeling and thinking) discussion about your whole relationship. I'm guessing there's problems he has been avoiding talking to you about. DO NOT start it with 'why do you look at porn rather than be with me'. Instead, ask how he's feeling about the relationship and about you and then zip it and LISTEN. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Usually porn isn't the cause but a symptom of a deeper issue. Communicate to him how you feel, and see if hes willing to talk to you about whats going on and why he feels the need to view it than have sex with you. Could be an addcition or could be just an outlet because hes having a hard time dealing with things in the relationship that he hasn't expressed to you. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author frustrated and sad Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 We have talked about it in the past. i have given him an out, i have said if he isn't happy, i would leave. i don't want to stay with him if he is unhappy. Every other aspect of our relationship is better than it ever has been, it is just the "inthe bedroom" stuff that there are problems. We have both gained a little weight since we started dating, and i have asked if that is an issue for him, he says that it isn't me, but himself. he is not happy with his own body. I try and talk to him, i try and listen, but it seems that every time i talk to him abotu it it gets worse. so frustrated Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 he is not happy with his own body. This may very well be your answer. Women are known to avoid sex with their partners when they feel fat. They maybe won't masturbate as much but they're not programmed to be as horny as often. Will he see a counselor? It's likely you will have no more effect on him than husbands do on wives who have self-esteem issues. He will likely need a professional to help him get over this. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Some people can have this issue because that's all they know and from day one that is what they have looked at and this is an addiction that leads to wanting to look at the more extreme stuff cause sometimes the norm isn't enough and they want and crave more than what they are viewing ..This can also make you see your partner in a different light and make you think that people are suppose to be perfect noone can look like that and this can put thoughts in your head that your body should be perfect and in turn make you not want be with your s/o because of the high expectations !!! Can make your s/o not feel wanted and sometimes your partner that views porn will not want to be itimate with you and would rather be with their porn and get off on that !! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author frustrated and sad Posted November 24, 2005 Author Share Posted November 24, 2005 I wish that i could go back, and never have caught him looking at porn, and then not know that he does it, and not have an issue with it. Maybe i over analyze the situation. I don't know, it is really frustrating. When i talk to him he denies it, and i think that, the denial is more frustrating than anything. I just need to find a way to not let it bother me. Or i am going to end up Contaminating my relationship, and losing the love of my life..... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 I just need to find a way to not let it bother me. Or i am going to end up Contaminating my relationship, and losing the love of my life..... Just remember he loves YOU, he's with YOU, and YOU are who he comes home to! Still, please talk to him about your relationship - you may yet find there's something else to all this that needs to be dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
CoolAunt Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Sounds like a text book example of porn addiction. http://lightwave.proboards48.com/ http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionPorn.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Sounds like a text book example of porn addiction No it doesn't !!!! It's a huge mistake to jump to such a conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Sounds like a text book example of porn addiction. http://lightwave.proboards48.com/ http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionPorn.htm I'm assuming you're a addiction thearpist? This is a place for advice/opinons etc. We never said for sure he had an addiction because we are not doctors/thearpists. He may have an addiction then again he may not. Until he sees a professional no one can really make that call. Not even you. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
CoolAunt Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 I'm assuming you're a addiction thearpist? This is a place for advice/opinons etc. We never said for sure he had an addiction because we are not doctors/thearpists. He may have an addiction then again he may not. Until he sees a professional no one can really make that call. Not even you. Jade Well, this is an addiction and recovery forum on a public message board, so the advice/opinions are, in this forum, surprisingly enough, about recovery and addiction. My assumption was that the advice given here is worth exactly what's paid for it: nothing. That is, unless you, Outcast and the others who are so up in arms over my post are addiction therapists, in which case I do apologize for wandering in and voicing my opinion in your area of expertise. It's a good thing that I didn't suggest the he be checed for OCD. I can imagine the cries of outrage from you about me prescribing meds where none are needed, as if the mere suggestion that he be checked is equal to a professional diagnosis and prescriptions written. Until he sees a professional, no one can prescribe meds to him. Not even me. Okay, I'll leave this thread now so that you and the others can continue to defend "your precious." Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 All I'm saying is you came across as KNOWING that he has an addiction for sure. You did say "this sounds like a text book example of porn addiction. No one knows for sure wheather he does or not, thats all I'm trying to say. He could, then again he may not. Thats fine you provided links for people to read, thats helpful etc, just incase he does have an addcition. You are correct this forum is an addiction/recovery forum. However there have been times people will post about addcitions that they know for sure they have because they have been diagonosed with an addcition but doesn't always post it in this forum. Just because someone posts in this addiction/recovery forum doesn't always mean they have an addcition. I guess its all up to where or which forum someone chooses to post in. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 I wish that i could go back, and never have caught him looking at porn, and then not know that he does it, and not have an issue with it. Maybe i over analyze the situation. I don't know, it is really frustrating. When i talk to him he denies it, and i think that, the denial is more frustrating than anything. I just need to find a way to not let it bother me. Or i am going to end up Contaminating my relationship, and losing the love of my life..... I would rather know now than 5 yrs down the road and never known and married and then you got alot to go through to get out of it .. Atleast this way you can leave it and not have to worry .... Denial means guilt and when he gets angry its because he knows he done wrong but won't admit it!!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 It's a good thing that I didn't suggest the he be checed for OCD The problem is that you didn't 'suggest he be checked' for porn addiction. You said that it sounded definitively like an addiction. It's very helpful, IMHO, to suggest that people's symptoms might be checked further but not to make definitive statements. And again, he's not doing it 24/7 or spending lots of money. I still think there's other problems with these two. Link to post Share on other sites
same situation Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 I wish that i could go back, and never have caught him looking at porn, and then not know that he does it, and not have an issue with it. Maybe i over analyze the situation. I don't know, it is really frustrating. When i talk to him he denies it, and i think that, the denial is more frustrating than anything. I just need to find a way to not let it bother me. Or i am going to end up Contaminating my relationship, and losing the love of my life..... You raised the question so you already have doubts and know the answers. Investigate further, for your own legal/financial safety. If you are serious and want to investigate (and based on my research) child porn, visit http://www.childlustrecovery.org, google cyperporn addiction, porn addictions, there are many tests for the user and the spouse/other and they will help you clarify and find solutions. Don't make judgements. Remember denial is part of the problem, and a serious commitment to understanding is part of the solution, but sticking your head in the sand is co-dependant contribution to the problem. photos are out there on limewire...get monitoring sw. and it does escalate according to the worst pedophiles/murderers, and people go to jail just for having the pictures. If you lose this man, as he is, you haven't lost much given the way he has made you feel as you have written. You are worth saving. Stop being a victim, take control of your life and heart. If he loves you he will get help, go with him. If not, RUN like hell for your life. And remember you WILL find a man more deserving of your love. Link to post Share on other sites
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