dinner time at the ok-corral

[me]

hi all. need an ear, and some good sound advice. i've been dating a man i met about a month ago, pretty steady as of late. he's been at my house almost every night for the past 2 weeks. unfortunately, am going through some hard times financially, as i have been out of work for a month with pretty severe and debilitating back problems. in fact, at this point in my life, i had no desire to meet anyone, as i know am just not 100% at this time. anyway, the relationship is proceeding, and i know he likes me a lot. i like him too, but one thing keeps getting in the way, and has decreased the feelings i have for him, 'cause i just keep going over and over it in my mind while we're together. he eats here every time he is here. i have cooked dinner for him for almost 2 weeks straight. problem is, money is so tight. he knows i'm runnin short of cash, and now food, but despite my comments like, "bring whatever you want to eat with you, i don't have much left", he comes empty handed. we'll be driving past stores, while he's sayin, gosh i'm hungry, then i'll try to scrounge up a meal for us. he eats 2 and 3 helpings, and always says, "thanks, that was nice". it's meant there is less for me and my teenage daughter to eat. also, he knows how hard it is for me to do physical things, i have severe scoliosis, and 4 ruptured discs. he doesn't offer to help with cutting the grass, and i try, and my daughter finishes the job. he says he's allergic to cutting grass. am i expecting too much? would just like him to ask,... can i bring anything for dinner?...but he doesn't. we've gone through groceries in half the normal time lately, and recently i've had to buy things on credit to eat, and he knows this. i know he also struggles for money as he has just bought a new expensive car, with big payments. how do i stop this from getting in the way. i guess at the heart of the matter, it makes me feel like my well-being just doesn't matter much to him, but in every other way he is caring and attentive. what do i do? i care so much about him, but thinking of this, with each passing meal i cook, and charge, is getting me more and more upset.

[Laurynn]

Hi there, I'm sooo sorry that you're going through such a hard time with your back problems. I know all about those, believe me. I injured my back on the job a few years ago and it's been very tough sometimes.

 

The last guy I was in a long term relationship with/ended up living with, it was sorta similar to your situation. Prior to moving across the country to live with him (and his 2 little girls), I had a talk with him...and explained to him (maybe I suspected he was going to be a lazy dick who was just looking for a housekeeper/mommy to HIM/slave??) that me moving and everything was going to take his help. He promised he'd help. Told me too that once we lived together, I wasn't even *allowed* to vacuum...and when it was time to get groceries, HE'D get them (carry them up the stairs)...basically, that he'd help me out with things that were hard for me to do/that further aggravated my back.

 

Well let's see. He was supposed to drive down to where I'd lived at the time to help me pack up my house (I had a lot of stuff: used to own my own home, had all the furniture, belongings, etc).....did he? Well he came down a week before I moved but he was too busy being a lazy ass to lift a finger and help me pack. So then came the day he and his brother were driving down to where I lived, with the moving truck. Basically, I had to pack up my entire house myself. I guess to cover his ass, prior to this, he'd demanded that I not "lift one single box"..well you tell me, how can you pack up a house and NOT lift a box? You have to sort of organize things, stack to boxes to make room for things. So when he got there and saw that I'd moved some boxes, he was choked at me. WELL WHO THE HELL ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE IT? The day they arrived with the truck was the day we had to leave (truck was only rented for so many hours).....

 

When we finally got to his city, did he help me to unpack ANYTHING? No. I unpacked every single item. My back was killing me but hey, someone had to do it.

 

Did he ever help with vacuuming? Only when "he" felt like it (which might have been once a week). Did HE ever help me carry the bags of groceries up the 13 stairs to our main floor? Not once. Did he help with ANY of the housework? Nope. I had to light a fire under his ass just to get him to mow the lawn after it was a foot high. Even getting him to take the garbage out to the end of the driveway was a chore...He was as useless as tits on a bull. But boy did he like it when I made him great meals. Did he ever once cook me dinner? Hell, weiners and beans would have been fine with me. His response was: I don't cook, never did when I was married, not going to start now. By the end of the day, my back was usually killing me. It would have been heavenly to have someone make me a sandwhich and bowl of soup.

 

Did he ever help with laundry? Never. And he wore about 20 things each day. I was forever carrying baskets of laundry up the stairs.

 

Also, due to the fact that he was a lazy jerk and that he had a job that paid him commissions, he was soon getting short on the money. I was paying for more and more and more. After 2.5 months, I left his sorry ass.

 

It sounds to me like your guy is one of these lazy assh*les who's selfish and thinks only of himself. Wow-wee, so he's got this big car payment, tough sh*t. That's not your problem...that's a choice he made. It seems to me that he's trying to cut some costs for himself (groceries) by eating at your house each night. And he doesn't even offer to help out? Or to stop at the store on the way home and buy some things to make HIM dinner with? The guy sounds like a complete and total freeloading dickhead. And he's allergic to grass? Spare me. So am I, so are a lot of people....but the grass isn't going to cut itself...so we pop an antihistamine and buck up and cut the lawn, that's called life.

 

WHen I first hurt my back, I was dating the King of Lazy. I once asked him if he'd mow the lawn because I could barely move..so he went out there and did half, then said he was too tired/it was too hot. This was a strapping 30 yr old guy. He much preferred to lay his sweaty ass on my couch and watch TV. I skidded his butt in no time flat. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to ask anyone for help...I'm stubborn, fiercely independent and I hate to burden someone by asking for help (especially a man LOL)....so it wasn't like I was looking for a slave. But geezus, a decent man would OFFER to help, given the circumstances.

 

Please...do NOT cook for this freeloader any more. The Restaurant is now closed!!! I suggest you sit down and tell him how it is, one last time..if he can't get his head out of his arse and get with the program, then tell him to hit the road: you tell him that you are in a tough financial situation right now, and that you barely have the finances to feed yourself and your daughter........and that you resent the fact that he can't even contribute. Ahh hell, I wouldn't even tell him this...I'd just skid his lazy ass right now, no discussion. Any kind of man who'd take advantage of someone with a physical injury/who's in a tough financial situation because of it and has been TOLD that money is tight....they are an assh*le, plain and simple. I'm sure he IS nice to you...of course, who wouldn't be nice to someone who cooks for them each day/gives them free meals.

 

I'm sorry you're being taken advantage of. Lose this loser. Focus on yourself, taking care of your back.....try to put a little money away each month into savings, even if it's just $20.....in case you need it down the road. Are you on disability? Is any of this related to work? (can you apply to workman's comp, stating that your job contributed to any of this?).......Do you have a good doctor?

 

Write me if you ever need to vent, I've been in your shoes: <e-mail address removed>

 

Laurynn

[Bubbles]

hi all. need an ear, and some good sound advice. i've been dating a man i met about a month ago, pretty steady as of late. he's been at my house almost every night for the past 2 weeks. unfortunately, am going through some hard times financially, as i have been out of work for a month with pretty severe and debilitating back problems. in fact, at this point in my life, i had no desire to meet anyone, as i know am just not 100% at this time. anyway, the relationship is proceeding, and i know he likes me a lot. i like him too, but one thing keeps getting in the way, and has decreased the feelings i have for him, 'cause i just keep going over and over it in my mind while we're together. he eats here every time he is here. i have cooked dinner for him for almost 2 weeks straight. problem is, money is so tight. he knows i'm runnin short of cash, and now food, but despite my comments like, "bring whatever you want to eat with you, i don't have much left", he comes empty handed. we'll be driving past stores, while he's sayin, gosh i'm hungry, then i'll try to scrounge up a meal for us. he eats 2 and 3 helpings, and always says, "thanks, that was nice". it's meant there is less for me and my teenage daughter to eat. also, he knows how hard it is for me to do physical things, i have severe scoliosis, and 4 ruptured discs. he doesn't offer to help with cutting the grass, and i try, and my daughter finishes the job. he says he's allergic to cutting grass. am i expecting too much? would just like him to ask,... can i bring anything for dinner?...but he doesn't. we've gone through groceries in half the normal time lately, and recently i've had to buy things on credit to eat, and he knows this. i know he also struggles for money as he has just bought a new expensive car, with big payments. how do i stop this from getting in the way. i guess at the heart of the matter, it makes me feel like my well-being just doesn't matter much to him, but in every other way he is caring and attentive. what do i do? i care so much about him, but thinking of this, with each passing meal i cook, and charge, is getting me more and more upset.

Dear Me,

 

I would tell him that unless he is willing to put food on the table his is not going to eat off the table. He is taking food out of your mouth and your daughter's mouth. Don't feed this man! Tell him to come over after dinner not before!

 

My mother did the same thing to me when I was 14 and I starved, there was never any food in the house after her "boyfriend" came for a visit. I resent her to this day because of it!!!

 

If he cares about you, he would not expect food from you he would only want your company and your conversation.

 

Think about it; would you hook up with a guy so you could get things out of him?

[Ashesmum]

Kick this lazy ass out of your life! He knows he is taking advantage of you and your situation. But you need to tell him straight out to go home and feed yourself! Don't let him do this to you and your daughter. If he isn't willing to pitch in for food money or help wash dishes even after dinner, get rid of him. He is a dead beat. Next time he comes over and wants something to eat, tell him there's a McDonalds down the street. Or tell him he needs to be staying at his own place cause you can't afford another mouth. He needs to understand what a dick he's being and how you're not going to put up with it. Be strong and remember you and your daughter come first. Good luck.

hi all. need an ear, and some good sound advice. i've been dating a man i met about a month ago, pretty steady as of late. he's been at my house almost every night for the past 2 weeks. unfortunately, am going through some hard times financially, as i have been out of work for a month with pretty severe and debilitating back problems. in fact, at this point in my life, i had no desire to meet anyone, as i know am just not 100% at this time. anyway, the relationship is proceeding, and i know he likes me a lot. i like him too, but one thing keeps getting in the way, and has decreased the feelings i have for him, 'cause i just keep going over and over it in my mind while we're together. he eats here every time he is here. i have cooked dinner for him for almost 2 weeks straight. problem is, money is so tight. he knows i'm runnin short of cash, and now food, but despite my comments like, "bring whatever you want to eat with you, i don't have much left", he comes empty handed. we'll be driving past stores, while he's sayin, gosh i'm hungry, then i'll try to scrounge up a meal for us. he eats 2 and 3 helpings, and always says, "thanks, that was nice". it's meant there is less for me and my teenage daughter to eat. also, he knows how hard it is for me to do physical things, i have severe scoliosis, and 4 ruptured discs. he doesn't offer to help with cutting the grass, and i try, and my daughter finishes the job. he says he's allergic to cutting grass. am i expecting too much? would just like him to ask,... can i bring anything for dinner?...but he doesn't. we've gone through groceries in half the normal time lately, and recently i've had to buy things on credit to eat, and he knows this. i know he also struggles for money as he has just bought a new expensive car, with big payments. how do i stop this from getting in the way. i guess at the heart of the matter, it makes me feel like my well-being just doesn't matter much to him, but in every other way he is caring and attentive. what do i do? i care so much about him, but thinking of this, with each passing meal i cook, and charge, is getting me more and more upset.

[me]

hi all. need an ear, and some good sound advice. i've been dating a man i met about a month ago, pretty steady as of late. he's been at my house almost every night for the past 2 weeks. unfortunately, am going through some hard times financially, as i have been out of work for a month with pretty severe and debilitating back problems. in fact, at this point in my life, i had no desire to meet anyone, as i know am just not 100% at this time. anyway, the relationship is proceeding, and i know he likes me a lot. i like him too, but one thing keeps getting in the way, and has decreased the feelings i have for him, 'cause i just keep going over and over it in my mind while we're together. he eats here every time he is here. i have cooked dinner for him for almost 2 weeks straight. problem is, money is so tight. he knows i'm runnin short of cash, and now food, but despite my comments like, "bring whatever you want to eat with you, i don't have much left", he comes empty handed. we'll be driving past stores, while he's sayin, gosh i'm hungry, then i'll try to scrounge up a meal for us. he eats 2 and 3 helpings, and always says, "thanks, that was nice". it's meant there is less for me and my teenage daughter to eat. also, he knows how hard it is for me to do physical things, i have severe scoliosis, and 4 ruptured discs. he doesn't offer to help with cutting the grass, and i try, and my daughter finishes the job. he says he's allergic to cutting grass. am i expecting too much? would just like him to ask,... can i bring anything for dinner?...but he doesn't. we've gone through groceries in half the normal time lately, and recently i've had to buy things on credit to eat, and he knows this. i know he also struggles for money as he has just bought a new expensive car, with big payments. how do i stop this from getting in the way. i guess at the heart of the matter, it makes me feel like my well-being just doesn't matter much to him, but in every other way he is caring and attentive. what do i do? i care so much about him, but thinking of this, with each passing meal i cook, and charge, is getting me more and more upset.

[me]

thanks everyone for all you're help! i needed to hear it.

[sparkle]

advice. i've been dating a man i met about a month

ago, pretty steady as of late. he's been at my house almost every night for the past 2 weeks.

First of all, you only met him a month ago. So you've probably been dating for a couple weeks. And he's been at your house almost every night for 2 weeks straight??? Are you nuts? You have let this relationship much faster that you should. NEVER start hanging out with a guy almost every day when you first meet him. It's only been a month, for God's sake. See him once or twice a week. No more.

 

Invite him over to your house only ONCE a week. Or even once every OTHER week. NOT ONE DAY MORE. IF YOU DO, then it is your fault for letting him do this to you. And you can't complain about a person if it's your fault. So starting now, invite him over no more once a week. And ask him to take you out once a week also. If he refuses, dump his butt. Right away. No questions asked. Dump him immediately.

 

If he agrees, then it's fair. He comes over once, you cook, you pay for the meal. Don't ask him to pay or bring anything along. Now have him take you out to dinner one day a week, let him pay. Don't even think about offering to pay.

 

Do NOT let him come over more than that. If you do, then you are INVITING him over. And when you invite someone over, they are a guest in your house. And a guest in your home shouldn't be required to pay for their meals or cook. If you don't like that arrangement, it's totally in YOUR hands. You DO NOT HAVE TO LET HIM COME OVER.

we'll be driving past stores, while he's sayin, gosh i'm hungry, then i'll try to scrounge up a meal for us. he eats 2 and 3 helpings, and always says, "thanks, that was nice".

Why are YOU letting him walk all over you? The only person to blame here is YOU for putting up with this. If he's hungry, you don't have to run home and 'scrounge up a meal'. And you don't even have to cook dinner for him everytime he comes. If you follow the once-a-week method I just described, you should have no problems with this.

he doesn't offer to help with cutting the grass, and i try, and my daughter finishes the job.

Is he LIVING WITH YOU? Jeeeez. You've only known him for a month. He is not required to cut the grass. He does not live there. I have never one asked guests to cut the grass, whether it was someone I met a few days ago, or a guy that I was dating for a year.

 

Who cut the grass LAST MONTH...BEFORE you met him??

what do i do?

You stop hanging out with him so much.

 

You stop expecting him to do things for you.

 

You stop letting people walk all over you and take advantage of you.

 

I'm sorry that your back is hurt, and I can't begin to imagine the pain and trouble you must be going through. But if he's only been around for two weeks, who took care of things before he was around? If you managed then, I'm sure you can find a way to manage now...

 

...without him.

[me]

dear sparkle,

 

thanks for the reply, i do appreciate it. i've been seeing him for over a month, it's only the last two weeks that he's called, asking to stop over to see me. yes, you're right, he shouldn't be here that much, that fast. i suppose i'm a bit vunerable at this time in my life, and have let things progress too quickly. i've never invited him over, and yet he comes at dinner time. that's why meals became an issue. i would make dinner for myself and my daughter, and bec. he was there, he would just eat too. but, you're right, tacitly i guess it was an invitation. the chores around here have gotten difficult. although i'm able to do some things, some things make my back a lot worse. what did i do before? struggled through it, and my daughter helped. have been forced by all of this to consider selling or losing the house at this point, and am stubbornly holding on to what is "home" for us. it just struck me as strange, to have this man make me promise not to do the yard, and then not offer to help, even a little. i have never had a r/t in which i needed any help, and this is a first for me. i guess i just wish that when he's here at dinner, and i've already said, we don't have much left, he'd either 1. offer to contribute to the meals he is eating, or 2. offer to take me out, to make things a little more equitable in the relationship. he has taken me out to dinner before, but often bec. of different reasons on his part, i end up getting the check...i.e. doesn't go through on his bank card. not good, i know. but, i will take your advice and slow this thing down a bit, not saying yes when he asks to visit. i do know not to expect anything from this man, or any man. thanks.

First of all, you only met him a month ago. So you've probably been dating for a couple weeks. And he's been at your house almost every night for 2 weeks straight??? Are you nuts? You have let this relationship much faster that you should. NEVER start hanging out with a guy almost every day when you first meet him. It's only been a month, for God's sake. See him once or twice a week. No more. Invite him over to your house only ONCE a week. Or even once every OTHER week. NOT ONE DAY MORE. IF YOU DO, then it is your fault for letting him do this to you. And you can't complain about a person if it's your fault. So starting now, invite him over no more once a week. And ask him to take you out once a week also. If he refuses, dump his butt. Right away. No questions asked. Dump him immediately. If he agrees, then it's fair. He comes over once, you cook, you pay for the meal. Don't ask him to pay or bring anything along. Now have him take you out to dinner one day a week, let him pay. Don't even think about offering to pay. Do NOT let him come over more than that. If you do, then you are INVITING him over. And when you invite someone over, they are a guest in your house. And a guest in your home shouldn't be required to pay for their meals or cook. If you don't like that arrangement, it's totally in YOUR hands. You DO NOT HAVE TO LET HIM COME OVER. Why are YOU letting him walk all over you? The only person to blame here is YOU for putting up with this. If he's hungry, you don't have to run home and 'scrounge up a meal'. And you don't even have to cook dinner for him everytime he comes. If you follow the once-a-week method I just described, you should have no problems with this. Is he LIVING WITH YOU? Jeeeez. You've only known him for a month. He is not required to cut the grass. He does not live there. I have never one asked guests to cut the grass, whether it was someone I met a few days ago, or a guy that I was dating for a year. Who cut the grass LAST MONTH...BEFORE you met him?? You stop hanging out with him so much. You stop expecting him to do things for you.

 

You stop letting people walk all over you and take advantage of you. I'm sorry that your back is hurt, and I can't begin to imagine the pain and trouble you must be going through. But if he's only been around for two weeks, who took care of things before he was around? If you managed then, I'm sure you can find a way to manage now... ...without him.