Unreasonable... but can't stop it!

[ZGT1503]

Ok, I am being unreasonable here but I feel so so jealous I don't know how to react!

My boyfriend has just moved home to a different continent and I only have 2 month until I join him, but my jealousy is getting the better of me now he's gone back. Normally I can try to control it when we're together, because I'm more familiar with the people and his friends.

But he has gone back to his home, with people that I don't know and close friends - who are girls! He has one very close female friend who he's always been very open about, they have never been more than friends. She has a boyfriend and I trust him completely.

He knows I'm jealous and he always tells me if he's meeting people.

Today we spoke on the phone and I just feel panicky that I'm not controlling my thoughts any more. I was talking about her and had to ask if they had ever had stronger feelings for each other, and if she was attractive.

WHY am I asking questions that I don't want to know the answer to?! Of course, the answer was that she was attractive, yes, but he never felt anything more than friendship for her and I was the one he was attracted to and loved etc etc.

I believe this, but I can't get this girl out of my head and I don't want to keep pestering him about it. Although he is very understanding at the moment, I realise this may not last a long time...!

Does anyone else feel the same about female friends, or other attractive women? Do you keep it to yourselves?! Help!

[Outcast]

Bite your tongue, do whatever you have to do but don't let those words leave your lips.

[ZGT1503]

Yes, you are right.

I know this and I am now trying so hard to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't, the next step will be him not mentioning things for fear of my reaction and so on.

Thanks for the confirmation of what I KNOW is true!

[mini696]

Your asking questions because the truth can enable you to stop thinking of the worst case scenario.

 

You say you trust him. Thats the best you can do.

 

I wouldn't bite my tongue, I would tell him my fears so he is aware of them and can make an effort to comfort me.

[bunnzy]

If you trust him completely you would not be freaking out and panicking.

 

Listen to the sincerity in his voice when he comforts you and reflect on that when you are feeling jealous again. Get busy in your own life and meet new people yourself (just not new boyfriends!!)

[ZGT1503]

Hey guys, thanks for your feedback.

I guess the problem is trying to get a balance between letting him know I feel like this, and having it take over every conversation. I have explained in detail how I feel, and he has listened and says he understands and will try to help me through it, but he doesn't see the need to keep repeating it every time.

I feel the same way, and so I'm trying to focus on the positive things he says and just take a deep breath before I react to the mention of girls' names.

Mini696 - your first statement is exactly right, I had just never recognised it in that way. But that's exactly what I'm doing, feeling a need to know everything that's going on so I don't have to imagine things. In this respect, it's important that he knows how I feel so he can reassure me, but I don't want to be unreasonable and demand to know everything. That's where the balance comes in.

Luckily I am very busy in my own life and this helps me not focus on it too much at the moment. I'm just worried about getting it under control before we see each other again in Europe.

Thanks so much for the advice, it's good to hear different viewpoints...