in love with my husband's buddy...

[bigbrowneyes]

Well said Owl! Applause!! Great advice!

[jessica77]

Ok, guys...so here's my whole story(unedited)..My spouse and I have been married for three years during which time he has been really abusive towards me. Just recently, about a year back, I started getting what the doctors diagnosed as panic attacks/anxiety attacks. I tried medication,therapy etc.....nothing really worked...I still get these attacks and they appear really out of the blue(no trigger). I believe that I could fix my marriage if I could fix a few things about us,

A) I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL THESE PANIC ATTACKS, THEY REALY HANDICAPP ME AS A PERSON AND I AM AFRAID TO TRY ANYTHING NEW..

B) My husband and I both need to meet half way and rekindle the attraction for each other...

C) I have to stop treating his friend as a crutch to lean on as a means of escape from all this.

I think that C will natually happen, if I can take care of A and B.

So, what do you think guys...how can I start the healing process...

Any ideas!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Bingo! I can relate to you 100% about the panic attacks. Hello, I am a fellow panic/anxiety sufferer. Let me tell you - The stress that you're feeling is making the anxiety worse.

 

1)Find the right therapist. DO NOT GIVE UP until you find one you bond with and trust.

2)The best kind of therapy to do when dealing with anxiety issues and fears is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This therapy teaches you the skills to face the fears, you learn how to change your way of thinking, from negative and fearful thoughts into positive and strong thoughts. As well as gaining confidence in fighting the issues as they hit. A good therapist will take you through the steps and expose you bit by bit - Face the fears and learn how to work through the anxiety. Deep breathing exercises, alot of writing and also keeping a daily journal.

 

You have enough insight Jessica to see that this man is a quickfix for the problems. The long run is - HE will make it all so much worse.

 

Talk to your husband. Let him know you need help and you need his support. Admit the marriage isn't working right now but with the help of therapy, and your husband, you can find out what the fears are and deal with them. It isn't easy, it's ALOT of hard work but it is worth it. What you put into CBT is what you get out of it.

 

You are right, both you and your husband have to work together. Trust me, my relationship with my Hubby took a nosedive when I was in my worst stages of the attacks. At that time I wasn't ready to ask for help, infact I didn't even know what the heck was wrong with me - All I knew was things were s*** and I was unhappy about ME. So, it really may not be about him and the marriage, more about where you are in life, what has set you off.

 

Remember another thing about anxiety. It DOES mess with your head. Paranoid and negative thoughts...So, what you worry about, think about is real to you - But to others it isn't a big deal. For example I used to worry SO much what others thought of me. IF I was walking down the street and say hello to a neighbour and they said hello fast and went into their house, I would wonder if they were mad at me, did I piss them off, say something wrong one day, why did they go in the house so fast? Stuff like that. ALL of that is warped thinking...Unrealistic thinking and in a sense, very selfish. Not in a mean way, but it is what anxiety disorders DO to people who suffer from it. I hope this makes sense Jessica.

 

Feel free to ask me questions, I'm an open book when it comes to dealing with anxiety. If I can share and help you (and others) who have this awful f**k'n disorder get better, or atleast give you the support until you're ready to face it head on and get to therapy, I'm here.

[whichwayisup]

This too, things between my husband and I are fine and dandy now. We went through a rough patch for afew months on and off but I can honestly tell you in the past 1 1/2 things are great. I do believe alot of it is because I am ME again and not letting the anxiety take control over me.

 

Don't be afraid to open up and talk to your family and friends. The more support you can get, the better it will be. AND don't be afraid to ask for help! Trust me, those days I couldn't get to the bank on my own or go grocery shopping, I would call my sister or a friend to come with me...I would always DO better with someone closeby...On my own it would freak me out and I would have an attack, then leave the store. Fast forward to now - I can go to the stores, have a very minor anxiety build up, fight it, and then continue with my afternoon of shopping. I do have some rough days once in a while but most of the time I am doing well and have so many good days.

[madamdragonfly]

He wants to bang you. End of story.

 

 

We have some honesty in the house, lol!

 

I agree honey, he wants to bang you and you are looking for the positive attention that you are not getting from your man....men, especially those that are predatory, tend to look for women that "need" them or are suffering something that makes them an easy target....kind of like animals seeking to feed on the frail or injured.

 

Want my opinion? Get as far away as you can from both of them....learn to rebuild your esteem and goals in life.

 

~J~

[Yikes]

Jessica...

 

If you are just waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear you have come to the wrong place.

 

You are getting some good advice here and no, it's not going to be easy but the right thing to do is rarely the easiest.

 

If you are unhappy then LEAVE.

 

Owl's post said it all in my opinion. Well done.

 

Y

[westernxer]

C) I have to stop treating his friend as a crutch to lean on as a means of escape from all this.

I think that C will natually happen

 

Yeah, and I expect my car to fix itself.

[Tiny]

Yeah, and I expect my car to fix itself.

 

 

I think the best advice, is too take post #53 by Whichwayisup, you know it makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Tiny. I just hope Jessica reads it and feels the same way. She needs help and fast...

[Tiny]

The trouble with "help" is, if we only listened to our own "inner" help more, we wouldn't be in such need of the extraneous kind, and so hurt

[jessica77]

Thanks which way is up!!! I really find solace in knowing that you went through a similar experience. I am 28 years old and have never had any serious medical or health problems.....ever....and now all this ..its just disconcertening. well....I believe every experience in life happens for a reason and maybe this happened for a reason too!!!!

But, its really gripping this anxiety thing...it happens anytime, anyplace, anywhere takes me completely by surprise. I don't drive, don't eat out, don't go out with friends, no social life whatsoever.... So, I am worried...when does this end!!! How did it end for you? My doctor gave me Xanax...I don't know if I should take it!!! I am not sure if medicines really help cos they have so many side effects... So, I am torn...between trying to get my life back and being a slave to pills!!!

So, what say you ?

[newbby]

i dont understand. why is everyone ignoring the fact that her h is abusive to her??? married people are very strange.

[Dano]

Is your husband supportive of your anxiety condition or is he part of of it? Does your doctor know about the abuse? Whatever happens, stick with the therepy and pills cause they will help you even though it may not feel like it at the moment. I've been there too but thats my own story. Just know it will get better even though there is no time frame for this kind of thing. Everyone is different. As for your hubbys friend, everyone can voice thier own opinions about right and wrong so I will keep mine cause I know whatever I say or suggest, I'm not you..........everyone is different.

[Yikes]

I don't think that anyone is ingnoring her abusive husband. If he's abusive then leave. The title of her thread was "in love with my husbands buddy" not "my husband's abusive, what do I do?"

 

I don't think that anyone here thinks that she should stay in an abusive relationship. Keep in mind, if she stays and she cheats... things could REALLY get ugly! This is precisely why nearly everyone is saying LEAVE! DON'T CHEAT.

 

If she stays and cheats, it's a recipe for disaster.

 

Bad marriages are not fixed with infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

But, its really gripping this anxiety thing...it happens anytime, anyplace, anywhere takes me completely by surprise. I don't drive, don't eat out, don't go out with friends, no social life whatsoever.... So, I am worried...when does this end!!! How did it end for you? My doctor gave me Xanax...I don't know if I should take it!!! I am not sure if medicines really help cos they have so many side effects... So, I am torn...between trying to get my life back and being a slave to pills!!!

So, what say you ?

 

Meds are OK, but I think you need to try the CBT. Talk to your family doctor about this, or do a search of CBT/anxiety therapists in your City. Med and therapy work hand in hand...I am a med wimp and haven't taken anything, I just do the therapy. For me it works best.

 

Read my posts again, I put alot of info in there and I think it will help you alot. You need to also TELL your family and friends about the anxiety. Don't be embarressed by it - Get their support.

[westernxer]

i dont understand. why is everyone ignoring the fact that her h is abusive to her???

 

I agree.

 

Taking meds won't stop him from abusing her, but it can certainly dull the pain.

[newbby]

I agree.

 

Taking meds won't stop him from abusing her, but it can certainly dull the pain.

 

yes and as long as it keeps you faithfully married, because thats all that matters.

[Owl]

Newbby and Jessica-

 

Please note that I specifically ASKED you to outline what kind of abuse your husband is doing to you.

 

I have NOT ignored that fact. I specifically asked her to take whatever that abuse is into account when making her choices in how to proceed. And at this point, she's still not outlined what kind of abuse her husband is doing...

 

So...exactly HOW is your husband abusing you? Physically, emotionally (and be specific in HOW he's abusing you this way), etc...

 

It DOES matter in your choices to proceed here, especially given the short time you've been married.

 

Newbby...realize that most of us ARE pro-marriage. Most of us here are the people who've been on the opposite side from you...we've fought for our marriages, and have put a LOT of effort into fixing them. So that DOES tend to be our first effort is to fix the marriage...IF IT IS SALVAGEABLE.

 

So here you go...HOW is he abusing you? What have you done to end that abuse? (Told him it was abuse, tried to get him to stop, exposed his abusive behavior to others, taken legal action, sought counseling, etc...) We obviously need more information in order to give you good advice.

 

And as far as how hard it is to take the advice here that you've been given...I'll grant you it's not EASY...I never said EASY...I said it was SIMPLE. And it is...you make a choice, and then make it happen.

 

The trick is to make the RIGHT choice...and that's why I'm asking you for more information, to help YOU decide what the RIGHT choice is here. That's why you should see an IC (individual counselor)...but make sure it is one who also isn't anti-marriage, or the advice you'll get will be biased in that direction.

 

Just my thoughts...you can take them or leave them at your leisure.

[newbby]

Newbby...realize that most of us ARE pro-marriage. Most of us here are the people who've been on the opposite side from you...we've fought for our marriages, and have put a LOT of effort into fixing them. So that DOES tend to be our first effort is to fix the marriage...IF IT IS SALVAGEABLE.

 

oh dont be ridiculous, its not about sides. it was just astonishing how many people came on here saying such stuff as dont do this to your husband, keep your marriage together, oh you have panic attacks, (gloss right over obvious cause) ah go on meds, and dont forget most important of all, do not cheat.

yes it honestly did seem as though every body was far more concerned with whether she cheat or not on her husband, than WHY she might be feeling the way she is. remember the VOWS, thats whats important. and that has nothing to do with the fact that i was once the OW, owl!!

[Trimmer]

While being careful not to "take sides" I will point out that she has answered the abuse question pretty specifically in post #17 of this thread:

 

Well to answer your qns... He is physically abusive with me ...he has hit me,kicked me in the stomach, tried to choke me several times(has anger issues).

 

And given this I have to agree that we seem to be pretty easily glossing over the abuse aspect here. I'm not saying this and the "friend" issue are connected, or that we shouldn't offer perspectives on that, but I do feel strongly that physical abuse is an absolute deal-breaker for me, and it is the problem that should be rising up above all your others at this time, Jessica. Everyone deserves to be safe from physical harm, and you will need to find some strength and self-esteem to seek some help and get yourself safe.

 

Then, having said that and going back to the friend issue, aside from moral issues or the question of whether you might stay in your marriage or not, don't you think that any dalliance with the "friend" at this time - if discovered by your husband - has the potential to make the abuse situation explosively dangerous? That's what really jumps out at me.

 

I grant that you may not have originally posted to ask about the abuse, but I strongly suggest that this problem should be your primary focus right now.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I don't understand why you would fall for your h's buddy this isn't helping your marriage at all!! The thing you should do is get in counseling and get your marriage back on track you aren't getting what you need from your h and his buddy is giving you what you are lacking called an emotional affair and makes you not want to be with your h .. Please stay away from his buddy till you atleast tried everything in your marriage !!!

[newbby]

i give up

[newbby]

oops sorry trimmer, i didnt notice your post til now,

good post, i completely agree. you really need to deal with this jessica. are you scared to leave him? have you gone past being scared? i am not sure but i would say those panics may well have something to do with your situation.

i would also say you are looking to be saved from your situation. would you agree with this? what do you think?

[whichwayisup]

oh dont be ridiculous, its not about sides. it was just astonishing how many people came on here saying such stuff as dont do this to your husband, keep your marriage together, oh you have panic attacks, (gloss right over obvious cause) ah go on meds, and dont forget most important of all, do not cheat.

yes it honestly did seem as though every body was far more concerned with whether she cheat or not on her husband, than WHY she might be feeling the way she is. remember the VOWS, thats whats important. and that has nothing to do with the fact that i was once the OW, owl!!

 

I hope you're not knocking the advice I gave Jessica. I for one can say 100% that her panic attacks are affecting her...Probably because of the abuse at home. Admitting that isn't easy and I intend on helping her through this part of her problem. She has to decide and do the legwork to get help, talk to her family and friends, gain support and strength to LEAVE her husband because of the abuse. Cheating or not - If the marriage is over, then end it. Two wrongs don't make a right, nobody, even him, deserves to be cheated upon. He is a s*** for abusing her though!!!!

[Owl]

OK...I must have speed-read that particular post, because you're right, that clearly spells out what the abuse is.

 

This actually makes things simpler (NOT EASIER, but SIMPLER).

 

Do you want to live with the man who is treating you this way? Would you consider staying with him if he stopped the abuse? Do you feel that there is any circumstance in which he WILL stop the abuse? (i.e...do you think that if you went to a woman's shelter, and started legal action, that he could change and the abuse would end?) And I mean REALLY end...do you think it would happen, or do you feel that this is so much a part of his personality that it can't change? THINK ABOUT THESE QUESTIONS.

 

Add in here one more...if he's abusive NOW...what's going to happen when he finds out about OM?

 

Still just two choices from what I see here...

 

1. You REALLY think he'll change if you do XXX or YYY. So you do those, you make the changes on your side of the marriage, get the legal help, professional help, whatever you think it's going to take to put the abuse to an end. Don't be a victim anymore...take actions to make the changes in your marriage now. Part of that will eventually being honest with your H about your feelings for this other guy...at some point. But right now you priority really needs to be in figuring out where to go from here.

 

2. You don't think things will change. Then leave now. Go to a women's shelter, your family, wherever you think you can get support that you need to break things off with your husband and begin ending your marriage. Do NOT go to OM...because that's going to create a whole new situation for you to deal with in the midst of this current crisis. I know this is hard...but you really do have a choice in how you want to live YOUR life.

 

Once things have ended with your marriage, THEN consider seeing what could happen with you and the other guy. Don't do it now...you have other things to worry about.

 

Newbby- I completely missed what she'd posted about the abuse. Had I seen that, it would have altered my advice to what you see above. I am VERY much a pro-marriage person...but am by no means an advocate of accepting a TRULY abusive relationship either. It boils down to whether or not there is enough love in the marriage to begin with to save it...and the only people who can decide that for real are her and her husband. You were right for pointing out that the abuse takes precedence over the 'affair' situation...and I apologize to you for how I came across. I didn't see the extent of the abuse...and I've also seen a lot and I KNOW that many people involved in an affair tend to exaggerate the negative aspects of their marriage when they begin an affair...they 're-write' marital history to justify their affair. I know this happens...my wife did much the same thing during HER EA. But...if this abuse is real (and it sounds like it is), then it obviously is the greater danger to the poster here.