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in love with my husband's buddy...

jessica77

By jessica77,
in Infidelity

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Yikes

Yikes

Posted
Posted

I still say cheating on an abusive spouse is ASKING for trouble. Why look for MORE reasons to be beat?

 

It's really not that difficult. If you are being abused then LEAVE. Remove yourself from the situation. Call the cops. Whatever blows your hair back. This has nothing to do your husband's buddy at all. After you are out of the situation, decide where you go from there.

 

Do you want the marriage to work? It doesn't sound that way.

 

Do you want to be with his buddy? That's what it looks like.

 

Do you want us to tell you that it's a good idea to screw around behind your abusive husbands's back? Okay, you win... Sound's good to me.

 

Be sure to let us know how you make out.

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newbby

newbby

Posted
Posted

owl, apologies accepted.

yes wwiu i was referring to your previous post, amongst others.

i really understand the fear in such situations and the learning to live with it, almost just accepting it, but only because of being too afraid to face it, and the need to escape it. i dont think its as rational to the person in the situation as to say well what should come first.. there is almost certainly a belief on some level that another person will save her/you from the situation. the panic would make sense as symptom of feeling trapped.

getting to the fear itself even takes alot of courage.

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I do think that this guy is her safety net. She really doesn't "Love" him, but he is providing a safe/secure feeling for her. So, with that in mind, throwing in the anxiety/panic attacks, she flees to him for comfort, to make herself feel better and probably has allowed her feelings to come out. Maybe transferring them to him because of how things are at home...Which then makes it all worse. Anxiety can really f*** you up in the head and take over big time.

 

You are right, it isn't rational, but to her it is. It's the way her mind works right now and all I know is she has to get help NOW.

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jessica77

jessica77

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HeyGuys,

I had a lot of catching up to do, with the posts.....just came back from work, so didn't get a chance to read them earlier. so, thanks for all your support. thanks newbby, trimmer and which way is up for your supportive posts. Owl, everyone has their point of view and I respect that. So, I have one thing to say...whichway is up already summed it for me.....I find this guy to be my safety net... lead a pretty busy life with my career and I have absolutely no social life(more so because of my panic attacks!). So, its just work, eat and sleep. So, to me my friend represents somene I can talk to and maybe its naive but I think of it as a bright spot in my life. Trust me , I am in no way depressed, if anything I am far from it. I AM JUST VERY SCARED...I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED TO ME...HOW DOES MY MIND NOT CONTROL MY BODY...I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING IN FEAR OF MY OWN MIND...I NEED HELP AND I NEED IT FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE SO THEY KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE AND NOT JUST OFFER ME SYMPATHY!!!

I don't believe that i want to try medicine as they juys make me drowsy and it would be one more reason, not to go to my work. So, I am gonna take you up on that offer WAIUp(I cannot keep writing your full screen name:), and go for cognitive therapy. I am a very determined girl and I know I can do this......... just with alittle help anyway :)

Thanks for all your support guys....means the world to me!!!!

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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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Jess, start a new thread in the health/improvement section and we'll start off a flow there, k. This thread here is more focussed on the relationships part in your life. I would like to help you with your anxiety issues and help you find the right person to talk to. I DO believe you can work through it. IF I can do it, you can do it. You be proud of yourself for admitting that you have that problem, it's not easy to do.

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newbby

newbby

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jessica,

either you are still avoiding the real issue (abusive h), or the real issue did not exist in the first place.

which is it?

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Owl

Owl

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Posted

I've got to agree with Newbby on this one...you're trying to fix the minor problem in your life...personally I would think that the anxiety attacks are more of a symptom of the problem instead of the cause.

 

I have been struggling with PTSD twice in my life. Once a long time ago that was work (military) related, and more recently as a result of dealing with my wife's EA. Granted, the PTSD needed to be treated...but the REAL issue that needed to be dealt with first was to remove me from the situations that triggered it. THEN the focus could be on dealing with the other issues.

 

You've actually seemed to make very lightly of the abuse that you've talked about...made it seem like it's not the issue at all. Your focus has been entirely on the OM situation...hence the initial advice I gave.

 

So what's your plan to deal with the REAL problem here?

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Grinning Maniac

Grinning Maniac

Posted
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Jessica,

 

This is a bad ****ing idea and you know it. First of all your head's all screwed up over this. The title of the thread is "in love with my husband's buddy", but in the thread you say you "like him a lot". Babydoll, there IS a difference between those two things.

 

This guy is your safety net? I really think you need to see how much of a defective net you're trying to work with.

 

1. Stop saying that you "just want to know" if the friend likes you. Jess, that's not even close to being true. You know it isn't. You want to know because you're looking for the green light. If this guy told you tonight that he was madly in love with you, you would be geeking out like a lunatic inside. You'd be drawing your names in little hearts on paper after he left. You'd be planning an island getaway with the guy in your mind. Please don't act like you're simply curious. You want to know because you want to know whether or not you can fully invision him as an "EXIT" sign, or at least as a very comfortable daydream.

 

 

2. "But he's my friend! We have such a deep connection!"

Yes, you have a connection... because he's the "good cop" in contrast to your husbands "Vic Mackey". You're looking for someone to save you from this rough situation, but only you can save yourself from it. You don't need a crutch or a safety net. You don't need to cling onto a potential future rebound romance in order to leave. All that's going to do is create more chaos for you (and all parties involved) in the long-run. Besides, as others have mentioned...the fact that your husband is buddy-pals with this guy, is in and of itself, a BAD SIGN.

 

3. It doesn't matter if he likes you.

You heard me. The reason it doesnt make any difference is because HE'S YOUR HUSBAND'S FRIEND. First of all, even if you managed to get away from your husband and stop the violence completely, why in the world would you want to keep your husband connected to your life in that way? He's still your husband's friend. That means unless you convince him to completely abandon that friendship, you're going to see the guy every now and then. That's not good. Besides, he was your husband's friend first. You met the guy through him. So even if the guy's a complete bastard, you don't really have much ground to stand on. I know in the back of your mind you're convinced that you're never find anyone who will "Care about you" like this guy...but that's just loopy infatuation talking. Please trust me on this. Everyone faced with the loss of someone they have feelings for says "never find...". It's just a defense mechanism. It's fear. Nothing more. There are better people out there than this guy, and certainly better than your husband.

 

Secondly, you're really overlooking an obvious danger here. Your husband is perfectly willing to beat the **** out of you on a regular basis; not because you've done anything horrible, but "just cuz"...What do you think he would to do to you if he found out that you are "in love" with his friend? Or worse, if you were actually shagging him? Do you think he'd just sigh heavily and run off crying into the night? o_O Come on. Babydoll, are you TRYING to die? Because I can think of less painful ways to get it done.

 

If you're not concerned with self-preservation, at least think of the friend you care about so much... if your husband still considers you as his "wifey-poo" and he's kicking you in the stomach, your "special friend" is likely going to end up as a corpse without much thought from him. A lot of NORMAL guys rant on and on about how they're going to kill the "OM" after they find out about the affair. Your husband is apparently prone to random acts of violence. Do the math. :rolleyes:

 

 

Bottom Line: Pursuing your husband's friend is bad for the health and happiness of all parties involved, and you need to focus on getting yourself out of this marriage as painlessly as possible...and ON YOUR OWN STEAM. Crutches are awkward inhibitors of movement and nets can sometimes have holes. Depend on YOU.

 

-GM (Yeah I know you won't listen. But hey, I'll send your family flowers later on.)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Trimmer

Trimmer

Posted
Posted

Jack - you've posted your question at the end of an existing thread in an Infidelty forum. You'll probably get a much better response if you go over to the "Dating" forum and start your own thread there - another hint: give it a good, descriptive subject line. Good Luck.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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