David Gevert Posted July 13, 2001 Share Posted July 13, 2001 I made a promise to my girlfriend last weekend. She has, over her 17 years, developed emotional problems, and it would seem that now her defense mechanism has been to harden herself. I know what that's like, but she's done something to herself along the way that I haven't: she's lost the ability to cry (except in extreme situations). I promised her that I would show her what it was to cry (i.e., to experience emotions in ways that she's lost.) Yes, I'm a guy. Yes, I cry. No, I'm not ashamed of that. I've got a general idea of how to go about keeping this promise, but it IS pretty general. I'm not really sure how to go about this. I know that my goal should be to get her to open up herself more to me. When I say that I want to show her what it is to cry, I'm not talking just because of sadness/loss/etc. I could get her to cry right now by dumping her, I suppose, but those aren't the kinds of tears that I'm looking for. I guess I'm expecting more responses from the ladies on this one; I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the stereotypical sex roles have been reversed in my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted July 13, 2001 Share Posted July 13, 2001 What exactly was your promise? You said, "I promised her that I would show her what it was to cry...". By that, do you mean that you promised that you would cry? Or did you promise to make HER cry? I am also unclear about the following: "she's lost the ability to cry (except in extreme situations)." What do you mean, "extreme situations"? While many people start shedding tears over small things, some people cry ONLY in extreme situations. I know that crying can be beneficial...etc...but I'm not sure about the harm of crying only in rare situations. I just think it's two different types of people expressing their emotions differently. Link to post Share on other sites
David Gevert Posted July 13, 2001 Share Posted July 13, 2001 What exactly was your promise? Hmm, I suppose I was unclear. I'm sorry. You said, "I promised her that I would show her what it was to cry...". By that, do you mean that you promised that you would cry? Or did you promise to make HER cry? I promised that I would try to help her reach an emotional state where she could openly show her feelings and thoughts, through crying if that is the outlet she chooses (the most common one.) I am also unclear about the following: "she's lost the ability to cry (except in extreme situations)." What do you mean, "extreme situations"? She only cries when something tramautic occurs. While we had broken up, we had a confrontation severe enough to make her cry, for example. While many people start shedding tears over small things, some people cry ONLY in extreme situations. I know that crying can be beneficial...etc...but I'm not sure about the harm of crying only in rare situations. I just think it's two different types of people expressing their emotions differently. I didn't think about that. I'll take that into account. Link to post Share on other sites
JT Posted July 13, 2001 Share Posted July 13, 2001 I am personally familiar with the defense mechanism you refer to, as I too hardened myself over the years and found it very difficult to cry except in "extreme" situations (sometimes even then I showed no emotion whatsoever). I doubt your girlfriend has actually lost her ability to cry, she's just probably gotten real good at holding in those tears. I don't recommend you try to "get her to cry" (especially not by dumping her -- what's that about?). She'll cry when she's needs to, probably in a place where she feels safe (I use to cry in the shower). Her ability to experience emotions is still there I'm sure. I don't think you need to "show her what it is to cry" -- she's probably seen it done before. I use to be afraid to cry because I felt if I started I would never be able to stop (I had been holding those tears back for so long). Eventually, I got so good at blocking my emotions I stopped feeling not only sadness/pain/grief but happiness/joy, frustration/anger, and even love. I was missing out on life. I had to re-learn how to feel and express my emotions appropriately, and it took a long time to do so. I was fortunate to receive the help I needed (professional) and to have a husband who never gave up on me. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
David Gevert Posted July 13, 2001 Share Posted July 13, 2001 I don't recommend you try to "get her to cry" (especially not by dumping her -- what's that about?) Err, sorry...I guess that came off sounding a bit more serious than I intended it to. Link to post Share on other sites
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