Living with mother and living together

[Gebidozo]

Thank you for your comments!

I don’t know how to lock a thread, but I feel that my questions have been answered. 

I’ve received some very kind and valuable advices here. Again, thank you very much🙏

[Els]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

there was a one-year gap between them. 

One year isn't an age gap. It's possible that this is the reason why the mother strongly prefers him to you. It's hard to blame her - I don't think most of us would advise our young female relatives/friends to be with a man 18 years older than her.

Quote

I acknowledge that I’m controlling, but I don’t think it’s a severe case. I’m much less controlling now than in the past

Umm, if "in the past" includes the earlier stages of your current relationship with your fiancee, I can DEFINITELY see why this would cause issues. Also, being "much less controlling but still controlling" isn't really something to be proud of... have you talked to a therapist about your control issues and how you can work on them further?

[ExpatInItaly]

Considering that her mom won't even meet you yet, you are llikely ooking at many years until she actually accepts you. (if she ever does)

How long are you willing to wait for Mom's approval / stay in a relationship whose progress is apparently contingent on Mom's approval?

[Gebidozo]

17 hours ago, Els said:

One year isn't an age gap. It's possible that this is the reason why the mother strongly prefers him to you. It's hard to blame her - I don't think most of us would advise our young female relatives/friends to be with a man 18 years older than her.

Umm, if "in the past" includes the earlier stages of your current relationship with your fiancee, I can DEFINITELY see why this would cause issues. Also, being "much less controlling but still controlling" isn't really something to be proud of... have you talked to a therapist about your control issues and how you can work on them further?

The “one year gap” I was referring to was a gap in time between her dominant ex-boyfriend (when she was 17-18) and her long-tern ex-boyfriend (started she she was 19), not to an age gap. Her long-term ex is the same age as I. So that isn’t the reason for her mother’s disapproval of me. Her disapproval is solely because she genuinely loved than ex, and wants her daughter to return to him.

”In the past” refers to my previous relationships. And no, I’m not proud. This has nothing to do with pride, it’s just a statement of fact that I’m less controlling now than before, and that is definitely a good thing. I did discuss my control issues with a professional (who happens to be my close friend), and am working on them.

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Considering that her mom won't even meet you yet, you are llikely ooking at many years until she actually accepts you. (if she ever does)

How long are you willing to wait for Mom's approval / stay in a relationship whose progress is apparently contingent on Mom's approval?

That is a good question, one I’m asking myself. I don’t have an exact answer, but I’d say I’m willing to accept the status quo for an additional couple of years.

The progress of the relationship isn’t entirely contingent on her mother’s approval, otherwise she wouldn’t even be with me, let alone make our relationship public, exchange engagement oaths and rings, or spend half of her nights with me.

I see it as a very positive sign that she is trying her best to make our relationship work despite pressure from her mother and our attachment style differences.

[ExpatInItaly]

I mean progress towards living together full-time and getting married. 

You are engaged, but is it correct to assume you two aren’t actually planning a wedding?

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I mean progress towards living together full-time and getting married. 

You are engaged, but is it correct to assume you two aren’t actually planning a wedding?

No, we aren’t planning a wedding. Actually, neither of us wants to have a wedding (as in, the ceremony). It’s more about the promise to be together no matter what for us. Everything else is flexible.

As for living full-time, I’m willing to accept a quasi-permanent state of her spending some nights with her mother. Say, in case her mother never approves of me and never agrees to live with us together, I’d be ok with her still dedicating some nights a week to her. 

What I’m worried about is the fact that her mother strongly pushed her to rush back to her on “our” nights several times. It feels like a statement from her mother, like a struggle against me. 

Or maybe I’m being overly suspicious and paranoid. I definitely don’t exclude that possibility. Maybe it’s just my insecurity talking.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you don’t care if you actually get married? I’m not speaking about a wedding with a party, but it’s not clear what your next intended step is. If you’re not bothered about officially marrying, that’s one thing. But if you want to get married, and she isn’t willing to do so until Mom approves, then it’s going to a long, long wait. 

I don’t think it’s your insecurities talking. 

It’s clear that her mother does not want her with you, and yes, may manufacture problems when she’s with you to get her to come home. 

Considering you said this only happens every coupe months, is it really that big a deal? It appears you still spend ample time together so reflect on whether this is a battle worth fighting. If so, keep in mind that the problem isn’t only her mother but your fiancée herself. 

[Gebidozo]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So you don’t care if you actually get married? I’m not speaking about a wedding with a party, but it’s not clear what your next intended step is. If you’re not bothered about officially marrying, that’s one thing. But if you want to get married, and she isn’t willing to do so until Mom approves, then it’s going to a long, long wait. 

I don’t think it’s your insecurities talking. 

It’s clear that her mother does not want her with you, and yes, may manufacture problems when she’s with you to get her to come home. 

Considering you said this only happens every coupe months, is it really that big a deal? It appears you still spend ample time together so reflect on whether this is a battle worth fighting. If so, keep in mind that the problem isn’t only her mother but your fiancée herself. 

I do care that we get married, as in, get a marriage certificate. But recently I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s my controlling nature talking. Maybe I’m trying to gain extra security from that paper. In which case, I think, it would be better not to rush that.

Yes, we spend a lot of time together, and I think that might be a problem for her as well, because, naturally, she spends less time with her mother now. 

I really don’t know, it’s such a delicate issue, on one hand I don’t want to cause further problems between her and her mother, I don’t want her to have even more pressure besides the one she’s already feeling. On the other hand, I have those panic, doubt, and fear attacks. 

[Alpacalia]

On 3/8/2024 at 6:18 AM, Gebidozo said:

Alpacalia, thank you so much! Your advices are always so kind, thoughtful, and insightful. I’ll do my very best to follow them! You really lifted my spirits with your heart-warming response🙏

You're welcome. 🙂

[Acacia98]

On 3/8/2024 at 12:39 PM, Gebidozo said:

Thank you for your response, Acacia.

In fact, according to my fiancée, her mother loved her ex like a son. So I don’t think it’s about feeling threatened or anything like that. She just wants her daughter to be with than man, not with me. 

I’m not at all unhappy. I’m concerned with some things, but there is no “state of constant unhappiness”, not even close. I’ve been in that state, so I can compare. This is, so far, the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.

Also, one of the reasons why I’m hopeful is the steady progress. At first, we dated for several months without her ever staying overnight. Then she started staying one night per week, and so on. You’re probably similar to me in that you want things to move fast. But I guess she is different, and it’s already very fast for her. According to her, it took her a significantly longer time to finally fully move in with her ex.

 

You're welcome.

Actually, no. I'm not the sort of person who wants things to happen super-quick in a relationship. But I can tell when a relationship is going to have trouble progressing, and yours definitely fits in that category. You see, in your case, the real issue is that there are obstacles built into your relationship because of the nature of your girlfriend's relationship with her mother and the way she chooses to respond to her mother's expectations. Her mother is central to her life. So I imagine there is no way you're going to get married and live together full-time if her mum refuses to accept you. And that's assuming that your girlfriend isn't a commitment-phobe or something like that.

I'm curious: why do you think wanting some things to be more certain after 2 years is rushing things? It really isn't.

Mind you, we're talking about basic stuff like making caregiving arrangements for her mum or something along those lines. I wonder, what happens if her mum calls her one night in a panic and she can't go (for a legitimate reason). What will happen to her mum? Will she be in danger? If yes, shouldn't there be some arrangement in place to keep her safe? 

We're also talking about her mum meeting you. She doesn't have to like you. She doesn't have to move in with you. But she should want to know the person who is in a relationship with her daughter. What I mean to say is that, ordinarily, a mother would want to know. But she has closed that door. She doesn't want to know; she doesn't want to meet you. So there's a lot that is off the table in your relationship. 

You mention it took your girlfriend a significantly long time to move in with her ex. Yes, it did. And where is he today? How can you be sure that, after doing the slow-motion relationship thing for 3 years, 5 years, she won't realize that it's not gonna work between the two of you? How long are you really gonna be comfortable waiting? And if you have goals such as marriage and kids, can you afford to keep having super-long relationships that ultimately end? If she asks you to wait for 7 years before she moves fully in and you marry, will the things you want in a relationship be possible at that point? You have to be honest with yourself.

You play down your unhappiness in this post, perhaps because you're on the defensive, but it is evident in your other posts. You made the original post in the first place because you were unhappy. And you are perfectly justified in being unhappy. I think dismissing your concerns as "control" is totally unfair to you. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you don't have controlling tendencies at all. I'm saying that even the most laid back person would justifiably feel concerned about being in this situation.

Ultimately, it is not you who will solve the problem. Your girlfriend and her mother and possibly the rest of their family are the only ones who who can/should fix the problem.

[NuevoYorko]

The odds are not stacked in favor of this relationship progressing to a successful and fulfilling marriage.   Your control issues are at the fore, for one thing.  You are preoccupied with something from her past, per your other thread, and you are now conjecturing about whether you should be "insistent" about how she conducts her relationship with her mother.  In addition she's told you that this is "moving too fast" and she has pulled back, while you are pushing forward.

There is much discord here.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You're welcome.

Actually, no. I'm not the sort of person who wants things to happen super-quick in a relationship. But I can tell when a relationship is going to have trouble progressing, and yours definitely fits in that category. You see, in your case, the real issue is that there are obstacles built into your relationship because of the nature of your girlfriend's relationship with her mother and the way she chooses to respond to her mother's expectations. Her mother is central to her life. So I imagine there is no way you're going to get married and live together full-time if her mum refuses to accept you. And that's assuming that your girlfriend isn't a commitment-phobe or something like that.

I'm curious: why do you think wanting some things to be more certain after 2 years is rushing things? It really isn't.

Mind you, we're talking about basic stuff like making caregiving arrangements for her mum or something along those lines. I wonder, what happens if her mum calls her one night in a panic and she can't go (for a legitimate reason). What will happen to her mum? Will she be in danger? If yes, shouldn't there be some arrangement in place to keep her safe? 

We're also talking about her mum meeting you. She doesn't have to like you. She doesn't have to move in with you. But she should want to know the person who is in a relationship with her daughter. What I mean to say is that, ordinarily, a mother would want to know. But she has closed that door. She doesn't want to know; she doesn't want to meet you. So there's a lot that is off the table in your relationship. 

You mention it took your girlfriend a significantly long time to move in with her ex. Yes, it did. And where is he today? How can you be sure that, after doing the slow-motion relationship thing for 3 years, 5 years, she won't realize that it's not gonna work between the two of you? How long are you really gonna be comfortable waiting? And if you have goals such as marriage and kids, can you afford to keep having super-long relationships that ultimately end? If she asks you to wait for 7 years before she moves fully in and you marry, will the things you want in a relationship be possible at that point? You have to be honest with yourself.

You play down your unhappiness in this post, perhaps because you're on the defensive, but it is evident in your other posts. You made the original post in the first place because you were unhappy. And you are perfectly justified in being unhappy. I think dismissing your concerns as "control" is totally unfair to you. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you don't have controlling tendencies at all. I'm saying that even the most laid back person would justifiably feel concerned about being in this situation.

Ultimately, it is not you who will solve the problem. Your girlfriend and her mother and possibly the rest of their family are the only ones who who can/should fix the problem.

Hmm, I don’t know. Honestly, too many people have told me I’m being too pushy and controlling. Most people in this thread, for example. My best friend told me that, and he loves me, so I kind of believe him. I can feel that myself.

I had a long talk with my fiancée following the latest “mother calls her back” incident. We talked openly about our problems and fears. It’s looking and feeling better now. 

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

The odds are not stacked in favor of this relationship progressing to a successful and fulfilling marriage.   Your control issues are at the fore, for one thing.  You are preoccupied with something from her past, per your other thread, and you are now conjecturing about whether you should be "insistent" about how she conducts her relationship with her mother.  In addition she's told you that this is "moving too fast" and she has pulled back, while you are pushing forward.

There is much discord here.

The past issue has been resolved. I no longer have any negative feelings concerning her past.

We had a long talk. I acknowledged my controlling tendencies and apologized. She was moved and even apologized for being too slow, and promised me she’ll do everything she can to move things forward. When she said that, I felt that I’d really pushed her too much. I’m backing off, and feeling good about that.

[Acacia98]

On 3/10/2024 at 8:01 PM, Gebidozo said:

Hmm, I don’t know. Honestly, too many people have told me I’m being too pushy and controlling. Most people in this thread, for example. My best friend told me that, and he loves me, so I kind of believe him. I can feel that myself.

I had a long talk with my fiancée following the latest “mother calls her back” incident. We talked openly about our problems and fears. It’s looking and feeling better now. 

 

Your concerns about the situation were not pushy and controlling. The way you were proposing to solve it was pushy and controlling. You understand the distinction here? 

The only appropriate way to address this issue is to determine for yourself how long you're willing to wait and to allow the woman to determine for herself how fast she's willing to go. If your timelines don't fit, then you walk away. If they fit, then you figure something out together.

I'm glad you talked openly and are now feeling better. I genuinely hope things work out for you. But if you get to a point where you're not happy, don't suppress your unhappiness in the name of trying not to be controlling. Be honest with yourself about it. Because these things have a way of exploding and destroying everything if allowed to fester.

Edited March 13 by Acacia98

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Your concerns about the situation were not pushy and controlling. The way you were proposing to solve it was pushy and controlling. You understand the distinction here? 

The only appropriate way to address this issue is to determine for yourself how long you're willing to wait and to allow the woman to determine for herself how fast she's willing to go. If your timelines don't fit, then you walk away. If they fit, then you figure something out together.

I'm glad you talked openly and are now feeling better. I genuinely hope things work out for you. But if you get to a point where you're not happy, don't suppress your unhappiness in the name of trying not to be controlling. Be honest with yourself about it. Because these things have a way of exploding and destroying everything if allowed to fester.

I think I understand what you mean. If that difference in relationship development speed that we are having is a deal-breaker to me, then I shouldn’t suppress my unhappiness and have the courage to deal with it surgically, so to say.

However, following a long, hard look at my situation, I’ve come to the conclusion that not only it’s not a deal-breaker, it’s actually a symptom of my own problems that I feel I need to solve. 

Considering how attentive and tender she is to me following those “mother call” episodes, I feel I can get over my dissatisfaction and be more supportive. It’s hard enough for her to be with a controlling mother, I don’t want to add a controlling fiancé to the mix.

 

[Wiseman2]

Are you two from different cultures or religions? There seems to be an element of that involved in these misunderstandings. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you two from different cultures or religions? There seems to be an element of that involved in these misunderstandings. 

That’s correct. 

It’s a bit complicated actually, both of us have mixed cultural backgrounds, both lived in several different countries before meeting each other in her country. We are of different races, too.