I am starting to undersatand why NC is better.

[Kisar]

This morning I contacted my husband and as everyone says...you feel worse. I just felt the need to let him know that his daughter was suffering. She had a breakdown yesterday at Thanksgiving when she seen a pic of her and her dad. But I should know that he has to know that. Why did I call? I am strongly thinking of checking myself into a hospital today...that also causes me so much pain and frustartaion that I cannot get a hold of these feelings and the once strong person that I was is gone. I did not sleep last night and my eyes are so puffy from all the crying. I do want to say that GOd saved me though...I sat on my bathrrom florr thinking of what I can do to kill myself...can you believe that I was actually thinking of the most violent ways because I want to feel the pain. My pain right now hurst so much that I am numb. Today is a diffrent day...though I am so sad, I know that being away from my daughter will not benefit her life at all..she is already experinecing problems because of what her loser dad chose to put her through. I sometimes avoid writing on this post because most people seem so much stronger than I and I hear the ususal...it will get better and to take care of myself. Well, I want to do those things, but has anyone been so shattered that getting better becomes the hardest task in the world. My situation is hitting me so hard because I really loved my husband and I never knew that he would have such ill feelings for me. He just left a life that we put together. We just bought a house...with a mortgage I cannot afford by myself. I think if I understood why he is acting like he hates me so much as opposed to me hating him for chaeating and lying, then I might feel a little better, but for me the scenario goes: here today gone tomorrow..that 's what it was with him. Anyways I will try to start over on my NC. Please anyone if you have any good tips let me know.

[Art_Critic]

sorry for what you are going thru..

 

Remember that kids are sponges for negative/hurting energy.. your daughter has already picked up on your pain and is starting to blame herself..

 

That is what children do.. blame themselves even though they will tell you they understand everything.. they don't..

 

Try and shield your daughter from the pain and issues you and your husband are going thru.. Also don't mention him in any negative manner or use her as your sounding board.. Come here instead..

 

My thoughts are with you

[OldEurope]

Dear K,

 

 

If you look up in the sky this evening, maybe turn your attention to some stars, or find yourself at your window before a magnificent pearlescent moon, stop to think for a moment that in all of human history there have been such rotten circumstances, wars , betrayls, losses, destruction, personal grief, unthinkable violence and seeming dead-ends ...and yet, and yet..the human story continues to charge forth, the idea that life is worth fighting for, struggling for, because it is--all hells included--a great thing, a gift not to be taken for granted. You are at the ultimate test of your very being--a breakup that has hit you out of the blue, and yet a child at your side for whom you must remain strong. You are front and center of the world stage and how you handle this sets the tone for future generations of yourself through your daughter. It is time to restore your dignity, slowly, slowly, and put YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER numero uno first. I swear to you you will come through beautifully.

 

Regarding your husband, you must say to yourself in calm acknowledgement, that that chapter is over. You will not proceed anymore with anything that causes you insufferable pain. You are destroyed now, you think, but it is so so so true that you come out better with these things--more steel, more wisdom, better chances. Just do not become cynical, sarcastic (a sign of spirutal self destruction). You are now going to set the pattern for your daughter so yes, you must have her in mind as you go through inevitable mood swings. But you must close firmly shut this last chapter of your life.

 

By the way, calling your ex-Husaband because your daughter fell ill is not breaking NC like those over in the "other woman" forum. It is perfectly normal you should do so. You share her flesh and blood.

 

Please, please get beyond yourself for a while. Though it is easy advice, it is very very healthy to get involoved in a a) new great sport or b) a cultural/intellecutal activity that will bring you into a sphere of like minded adults. I am a big believer in adding to your life in terms of "quality" where other parts may have broken off. Being intelligently busy really makes you restore a sense of purpose.

 

You may also want to check into any community therapy programs for mental health counseling. Believe me, more people are in your same boat than you may think. You are no way no how alone.

 

Please do not despair. Get out , get some fresh air, grab your beautiful daughter, kick up the leaves ...but continue to take charge of your life because it is yours and it is precious. Let no one NO ONE determine your happiness or unhappiness. Please keep writing to LS as you cope along, we are here for you.

 

OE

[scobro]

I know you must feel devastated by what has happened and you don't want to hear all the it will get better advice so here is what happened to a friend of my sisters and maybe this will put things in perspective for you.Her friend is a single mother of an 8 year old girl on Monday they were walking to the school bus and just as she stepped onto the bus she yelled back to her mom "mommy I forgot to kiss you" she ran back into the street as her mother was on the other side and was killed instantly by a delivery truck passing by.Now imagine what that mother is feeling right now,she can never get her daughter back but you can rebuild your life with a new man eventually and have your daughter also so no matter how hard you think you got it others have it worse.Good luck

[Art_Critic]

.Her friend is a single mother of an 8 year old girl on Monday they were walking to the school bus and just as she stepped onto the bus she yelled back to her mom "mommy I forgot to kiss you" she ran back into the street as her mother was on the other side and was killed instantly by a delivery truck passing by.Now imagine what that mother is feeling right now,she can never get her daughter back but you can rebuild your life with a new man eventually and have your daughter also so no matter how hard you think you got it others have it worse.Good luck

 

Holy crap.. that is just sad and depressing... WTF ???

[dgiirl]

OldEurope, awesome post!

 

Kisar, please dont stop posting on these forums! I know we all give out the same generic advice and we seem much stronger than you right now. But believe me, I was where you were. I spent months on my bathroom floor crying and praying to god. It was pure torture, nothing I wish on my worst enemy. But it's what you do with that pain that makes you strong! As OE said, sometimes you need to put things into perspective. There are so many worse things that could be happening to you right now. And although sometimes that doesnt help, you have to remember that. You have a heartache, and it hurts a lot. But it's not the end of the world, and sometimes you have to look at your situation objectively.

 

You have to fight back. You have to get angry at your husband, but also realize that he's not all that! He's not worth you giving up your life. He's simply not worth it. And the biggest people who will lose are your daughter and unborn child. Sweetie, if I can get through it, you can get through it.

 

Do not do anything in the heat of the moment. One thing that I did when I wanted to do something, whether it be contacting my exh, seeking revenge, or doing something to myself, I waited a few days before I acted. I never did anything when i was distraught, when i was in tears or when i was angry. I would think of something I wanted to do, but decided to just wait a few hours/days/weeks. If in a few days, once the anger is gone, I still thought it was a good idea to contact the exh, then i did. The interesting thing was, once the anger or tears were gone, I didnt want to do the action I was thinking and was grateful I didnt do it. It's just a matter of holding on a few more days. If it's something you really want to do, then whether you do it now or tomorrow or next week or next month, it makes no difference. You can still do it later. Just make sure you are not doing anything spontaneously.

 

And kisar, if you are anything like me, you need to get out of the house and see people. You need to get dressed every single day, take a shower, and get out of the house, even if it's just a walk, or go to the library or walk around at the mall. Anything! But every single day you have to get out of bed, and get out. I spent months and months crying at home, sitting on my bathroom floor, crying at work, sitting on the bathroom floor there. Any day I stayed in my pj's and stayed in bed, I relapsed into severe depression. You have to create an environment where you dont let yourself fall into depression. I know you are tired, but you have no choice. You have to keep yourself busy.

[AznGuy033]

What you are going thru is normal. I've been just where you are. You aren't weak. A lot of the posters may just be writing "strong".

 

I would look into therapy and anti-depressants. It may help.

 

Here's a thought that may help. Remember, not talking to him for a day, a week, even a year won't mean you can't talk to him later. The relationship you had may be different, but it's not gone (unfortunately). Your daughter is a tangible bound.

 

For now, just try to let it be. Don't talk to the man if it hurts too much.

[Trimmer]

Kisar - the reason some posters seem so strong now is that they have hit the lowest of lows, and have pulled themselves back up. Each of us has a different story to tell, and came to it in different ways, but we can all relate to that basic feeling of devastation. So don't stop talking, don't stop posting. This is where you will find empathetic ears.

 

Beyond that, I need to speak to you simply and clearly: I am deeply concerned for you. You seem to recognize that you are beyond your ability to deal with the situation, you feel overloaded, you think of suicide. You are a therapist yourself, and you talk about seeking help; what is keeping you from doing that? Please think about this, and consider whether your reasons for holding back are any match when compared with the importance of getting yourself stabilized and emotionally and physically healthy... Loveshack is great and we'll continue to be as supportive as possible, but it's not a substitute for professional help, and you really aren't in the gray zone of "maybe I should or maybe I shouldn't..." Please answer: what is it that's holding you back from seeking help? Because I think the best thing we may be able to do for you right now, besides listening and letting you vent, is to convince you to get that help.

[Trimmer]

Deleted accidental duplicate post... - T

[Kisar]

Well there are a few things that are stopping me. I cannot afford to pay a therapist with all of the burden that I am now experiencing. I did have a scheduled a ppointment a few months ago and the therapist I was assigned was someone that I know from the field..so I forfieted that appointment. I am also very afraid to leave a trail or history so be it through insurance that labels me "mentally ill" (it is not as confidential as we think it is) At my agency we have denied employment to some indivdiuals (therapist) who we have found out had histories of depression etc... The other thing is that I feel defeated. This is waht it comes to for me? I have treated countless people in my situation and I always encourage them to move on to cease contact and to get away from the damaging relationship..well easier said than done. I think I would be more willing to join a group...however I am not aware of any in my state that pertains to this issue. If there are any posters from Massachusetts (Boston area) please let me know if you are aware of any. Trimmer, I so desparately want to move on. My husband is so emotionally abusive to me and now my daughter. It's just really hard. I do want help...I a m scared. Not to mention I grew up with an emotionally distant family so even theough they are around me..they are not people that I could talk to. My mom actyualy rents my basement aaprtment. She's noticed that my husband has been gone for over 4 months and not once has she asked anything. I really need people to turn to. Today I want the help. I will try to to get connected with free services in my state. I am so poor these past few months. My husband went from giving me $3000 per month to $0. I will also start divorce proceedings..but I do admit that I need to tackle the other stuff first. Thanks for everyones support. If I did not have you guys to listen I would honestly have killed myself a while ago. However, I know that and internet forum is not going to help my life and that I do need more...but I do want to say that it has been such a great help. Thanks. Please encourage me not to call him. I called him this morning because my daughter cried endlessly last night because she missed him? He answered the phone without speaking and when I said Hello...he hung up. I called back two more times and got his answering machine. Is it normal for someone to just leave everything that he at one point professed to loving? He is not on drugs or an alcoholic ...What is going on with him?