How much potential is enough for Dad?

[tinktronik]

I have been pondeng a few things lately and wondered if anyone had a similar experiance.

My s/o's father is an acomplished man(A doctor with 2 retirements , and a very caring person ,normally). His wife died earlier his year, and his 2 sons are the only family he has left.

My s/o has led a great life, he's happy with it. He had a splendid career , winning various top awards in his feild, but decided to move on and start a new career as his previous career left no room for a family. So hes started a new career running an agency , and is doing well with it.We run it together.

Durring the early years of his first career he had a daughter, and a wife but eventually divorced due to his career comming first and his wife was not willing to move to where his opertunity eventually grew into reality( it was his dream ,and his wife knew this). He has been in his daughters life and they are close. He is happy with his life and feels he made choices he could live with.

However , his father insists hes not lived up to his potential, could have done better , reguardless that my s/o has won awards that people dream of recieving, and has a happy and fulfilled lifethusfar. My s/o 's father insists on having a perspective that my s/o is failing in life no matter how high he goes and insists its because my s/o was adopted ( and it must be genetic).This just keeps my s/o from extending welcoming to his Dad and keeps their relationship to phone calls occasionally.

His father does the same with his other son also.

Does anyone have a similar thing going with their dad? Is this just a father -son dynamic?

[slubberdegullion]

This doesn't have anything to do with your s/o, this is purely in the mind of his dad. I feel sorry for him - the dad - because it seems that the loss of his wife has probably caused him to re-evaluate the relationships with the rest of his family. He could, if he chose, have his family as a supportive and caring group of people, but for some reason he has chosen to alienate them. I find that tremendously sad.

 

It probably has much to do with the way he was raised. If his father - your s/o's grandfather - was like that, then your s/o's dad will probably see that as "the way it's supposed to be."

 

There is little, if anything, you or your man can do about it, other than change the you perceive and react to the situation. The best you can do, personally, is be supportive of your man and tell him how proud you are. And don't put yourself, intentionally or otherwise, in the situation of being stuck between them. There's no upside to that at all.

[Outcast]

What is excellent is that your SO is happy despite his father's inability to appreciate his accomplishments. I've met too many adults whose parents withheld approval that way and it can crush people. Your SO obviously developed a very healthy sense of self and can function extremely well without needing his dad's approval.

 

His dad is the one who's missing out and that's too bad. It's not a healthy father-son relationship but I think it's pretty common, unfortunately.

[tinktronik]

Thankyou for your replies, I agree perhaps it was the way his father was raised as well.But how do we react to the comments ? My s/o has asked "Dad exactly what is this potential that you think I havent lived up to?" His dad has no anwser . Hes also pointed out his accomplishments , but that seems to have no effect.

His Dad seems to play the "what did I do wrong" theme over and over .Its strange, My s/o has won emmy awards , but his dad is dissapointed that he dident become a pilot or a doctor or a vet or a mailman.Just strange.

I get the feeling that no matter what he did, his Dad would claim he had not met his potential.Is their anything more my s/o can do to get his father to open his eyes?

[slubberdegullion]

His Dad seems to play the "what did I do wrong" theme over and over.

This is very telling. Dad's playing the role of the injured party, but he's the one doing the injuring. It's classic passive-aggressive manipulation and guilt inducement.

I get the feeling that no matter what he did, his Dad would claim he had not met his potential.Is their anything more my s/o can do to get his father to open his eyes?

You're absolutely right, in that no matter what your S/O accomplishes, it won't be good enough. Even if your man did do exactly what his father wanted, you'd undoubtedly hear, "Oh, it was so easy for you. Back in my day life was much tougher" or some similar bulls***.

 

There isn't anything that you or your man can do to get the old fellow to see clearly, because the issue is inside him and not with your S/O.

 

This is tremendously sad.

 

btw... obviously your s/o is in the entertainment industry. What does he do? Writer? Actor? Director? Producer? Techie? Just curious...