Is there any advice for me?

[Tabitha]

Hello, I have read a bunch of the posts and think there are alot of great people out there with great advice, Hopefully there's at least one of you out there with advice for me..

 

I have been with my bf for 4 years, Back in september things got really bad between us so I moved a little over 2 hours away when a job oppertunity arised. Him and I still talked and saw each other often. We agreed to be faithful, I was 100% but he was not. 1 month before I was set to move back home to my bf a friend needed a place to stay so he talked to me about taking over my apartment. i talked to my landlord and things were settled. It was a two bedroom apartment and since he needed a place right away and I was only going to be there for 1 more month I agreed to let him move into the extra room. I only agreed after my bf and I talked it all over and he was honestly good with it all. With all my heart and every ounce of me I swear there is no way I would ever betray my bf. In January I moved back and have since gotten over the mistakes we both made and have even gotten pass his cheating. I see it as the past is in the past. I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him but because he cheated he thinks something had to have happened in that last month before I came home. I know they are his issues to deal with but they are making me miserable and I'm not ready to let go of our relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me as to how to help him let go of these untrue thoughts or help him get past his huge issues and insecurities?

 

Sorry for this being so long and my rambling. I didn't know where else to turn to.

[Tony T]

This is a case of what psychologists call projective thinking. It's like...I know I cheated so you must have cheated too. People have a tendency to project their own traits onto others. For instance, honest people are often easy to con because they project their own honesty onto others who end up swindling them.

 

Your guy is simply projecting his own propensity towards infidelity onto you. This isn't really good because it's an indication he could cheat again.

 

It's basically a sign of extreme immaturity that he can't face the fact that just because he was a butthole that doesn't make you one. His depth of understanding is rather superficial. He just needs to grow up.

 

There's also a great chance he is massaging his guilt feelings a bit by throwing some of this back at you, which is what people do a lot of the time. In other words, he's making himself feel better about being a cheater if he believes you did the same thing.

 

I'm terribly afraid there is nothing you can do in this case but wait it out. If your guy were more mature, he would take responsiblity here, would understand that your living situation with a roommate was discussed in advance and mutually agreed upon. His cheating was not agreed upon.

 

I don't think this guy deserves a sweety like you. Most women would have kicked him out the door long ago, especially in the light of his accusatory attitude. He's being a real jerk.

 

Perhaps in a few years, he'll get off this kick. In time, you may not be so forgiving about his indiscretions. Don't lose sight of the fact that dating is a time when we learn about someone and decide if this is the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who doesn't trust you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who doesn't trust others because HE is untrustworthy?

 

One day you'll learn it takes a lot more than LLLUUUVVVEEEE to make a healthy and strong relationship.

[little d]

Honest to god truth, mojority of people that would/will cheat think their mate will/is too. I dated a guy for three years that cheated on me. I didn't find out until towards the end all the details, the dirty bas*ard even took pictures. The crazy part of it was he was accusing me of cheating the whole time. I was always defending myself. Then when I did find out I chose to "leave the past in the past" I thought tings where different NOW. That he was sooooo sorry (cause they always are). All I did was set myself up to let it happen all over again. I was the one that pretty much gave him permission, well he took it that way I guess. But what hurt the most was that he really didn't know who I was at all. I have never cheated on anyone and I can barely count on one hand the amount of people I have slept with. I was arguing my own values and morals with this guy and defending myself non-stop with a guy that just wanted to get laid. Well thats fine but don't drag me along.

 

I'm not saying this is your situation but I know a bit about it from my own experiences and from friends, it all turns out the same. There isn't anything you can do to get him past it only he can do that. In my opinion you should let this guy choke on his insecurities, he created them. He's a crafty son of a B though he has directed his cheating into you cheating and now your defending yourself when he was the one that not only crossed the line of trust he tripped on the damn thing then kept flippin running. Now your left with all the s***ty confused how do I fix things feelings. From your post it just doesn't really seem like he has accepted any of the blame. Please no offense but I really hope you have a higher self esteem than to think this is what you deserve. HE should be writing this post about how he cheated and he is SUCH A LOSER he can barely live with himself how can he get his gf to ever trust him again. What happens when you guys have problems again? Are you prepared to have him cheat again and blame it on you. Has he even said I'll never do it again? Do you FEEL he would never do it again? If you guys are as serious as you sound why the hell is he cheating and why O why O why are you forgiving him. I'm sorry but a few things come to mind like Once a cheater always a cheater and have your cake and eat it too. Do you want to be cake or do you want to be someone's equal! I know you don't want to end things with this guy but do YOU feel you can trust him. If you are unsure in any way then chances are... You are not the issue here, don't let him think you are.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but it just sounds so familiar and please trust me the hurt only gets worse. If your comfortable with continuing with this guy then all the power to you and I hope he realizes what he's got! If not, don't drag it out. I don't think this guy deserves a second chance with you.

 

Good Luck, remeber you are #1. If you don't respect yourself no one else will.

 

d