I'm infatuated with someone who is "taken"

[pikachuchu]

I met Ryan at a poker game one year ago. He is a nice, smart, passive, respectful 28-year old man who caught my attention. There is unspoken mutual interest between us -- to what degree, I'm not sure.

 

However, he has a live-in girlfriend of 7 years. He does not ever talk about her, I found out through a friend who asked him. I've been trying to be respectful of this -- we play in a poker league together and I am nothing other than friends with him. However, I cannot help but look over at him frequently as I am very attracted to him -- and we often make eye-contact which makes my heart race and lose my breath.

 

People have mistaken us for boyfriend-girlfriend because apparently our behavior towards each other changes than it does for other people. Still, I have not crossed any lines - nor does he. We are simply friends.

 

I broke up with my on-off boyfriend over the summer, and am completely single now. My friends say I need to stop obsessing over someone who is currently involved with someone else because I am closing off any opportunity from other available men who have asked me out but whom I have no interest in dating.

 

Recently, Ryan and I have been emailing each other back and forth. The emails have become deeper conversations, even though nothing explicit has been spelled out. I am beginning to feel like we are emotionally cheating together. I have asked him some questions about his girlfriend, and he does not allow himself to say more than a couple of syllables about her. She calls him on his cell and he does not pick up - he invites me to football games but she is nowhere to be seen. We have gone to Vegas (along with a group) - and we spent quite a bit of time together (in a platonic way).

 

Last week he and I went to the casino (alone for the first time, just he & I) - and we stayed out until 6 a.m.....but nothing happened. I feel very strongly that if I were to initiate something, he would definitely go for it....but I also know that if that happens I will lose respect for him, because he would be cheating on his girlfriend.

 

He is on my mind constantly and the attraction for him so great that I actually can admit there is slim longterm possibility with him and could see myself engaging in a short term affair just to get it out of my system and then I can move on.....I say this because it has happened twice in my past with other men.

 

I guess my question would be, should I just talk to him about my feelings of attraction and lay it on the table or would that be unfair since he is involved with someone else? Or should I try to just leave and forget about him?

 

Life is so short, that relationships can be so fleeting, sometimes I wonder what is more important, doing what is technically moral or changing in the hopes of something that could be life-altering? Is it immoral to tell him how I feel anyway?

[Melinda123]

Life is so short, that relationships can be so fleeting, sometimes I wonder what is more important, doing what is technically moral or changing in the hopes of something that could be life-altering?

 

That's exactly what is bothering me the last month...most young people would choose morality...most older people however realise that life is too short...and they choose to risk in order to enjoy. My opinion is that it is better not to ask people about what to do because each one of them will tell you what you should do according to their values. They'll confuse you more and you won't be able to think for yourself. I once had everything cleared in my mind, but after telling others my thoughts and being confronted with their own values I started feeling very confused.

I asked about a problem here and got answers that I expected..There was no point in asking...confusion still remains in my head...

 

Analyse, and make up your mind according to your beliefs.

 

Having said that you can always listen to other's opinion but if you feel that you disagree don't get stressed or anything because you might think that everybody else is right except you. Noone can tell what is wrong and what is right.

 

About the matter itself...well I really don't know how you should handle this because I don'tknow you, I don't know the guy and so on...If this is the type of answer you are looking for (and not all the blahblah I've written above) then IF I was YOU (with my beliefs and stuff), Iwould not consider your case very stressing and thus I would probably go for it and leave the rest to him. He is the one that should have insomnia now over this matter..he has to cope with respect matters, morality, guilt towards his girlfriend, and so on...

BUT you're not me so you might do something different if you think that I'm against your beliefs and values.

[jessica77]

If it is of any consolation to you, I am going through a similar situation, except it is more complicated. I am married(with huge problems) and he has a girl friend(been with her for 8 years). I get the same mixed signals, except given my situation I haven't been out with him anywhere.

So, I asked for tons of advice and I was told the moral thing to do is to leave it alone. But, this is what I think... if he really cares for his girlfriend and does not want to hurt her , he probably won't break up with her, just for something that might be good. But, if he thinks that what he has with you is lust and not love, he might engage in a fling with you . My advice is don't get involved in it too deep.

[monkeybars]

Hey, I say go for it!!!! Who cares about the other woman's feelings!!! I mean, what responsibility do you have towards her anyways! You don't even know her.

 

Definitely go for it, because he just seems like SUCH a great catch. So honest, upstanding, someone that you can really TRUST! No, don't worry, I'm SURE that he won't do this you you eventually-your SPECIAL!

 

You two probably have this CONNECTION that is so STRONG. Something his LIVE-IN girlfriend probably doesn't have with him. I mean, if she were so special, he wouldn't be talking, going out with and emailing YOU now would he?

 

I bet he's told her all about you two building this friendship, I'm sure she knows that her HONEST, AND TRUSTWORTHY boyfriend is making new friends. It probably doesn't bother her at all!!!

 

You seem to be such an upstanding person as well! Hey it's not your problem that he's LIVING WITH SOMEONE. She's probably a big bitch who doesn't understand him-but YOU do! Because you have this special insight into him that the woman who's been living with him for the last 7 years doesn't have. Hell, they probably aren't having sex anymore anyways!!!

 

Yeah, you two deserve each other-GO FOR IT! He won't do this to you, you're SPECIAL!!!