Help!! Cold WAR with girlfriend...

[sentaro]

Help!!!! :( :( My girlfriend for four year plus has stopped talking to me for a week. She's becoming very colddd........ *brrr*. She wont let me hold her hand, touch her skin.. anything. She shut me up. We live together btw, plus her brother in different room (of course... .

 

This started with multitude of, small fights. She is really picky about food, she asked me to buy some meat for dinner - I am somewhat in a bad mood that day, too lazy to go out again. So I shut her up. I've been working all day and was picking her up from work coz she left her ticket at home. She understand that I am angry and tried to cheer me up, but I was soooo upset. Then she got angry too. (Its always like this btw, if I am upset, I must become un-upset when she cheer me up. If not, she will got mad and I have to cheer her up ) Yes she is somewhat controlling. But I am too. But usually I let her have her way.

 

So to speak, I bought the meat, and at home, I see the rubbish bin still overflowing, so I told her to throw it (in a harsh voice, I am still upset that time, my mistake, I know, but she is really a super messy girl). And that is where she explode. She stop talking to me since then (note: she DOES talk to me when needed as in when we attend a friend wedding etc).

 

I dont know what to do.. I have asked her many times to stop doing it. I even tell her to take her time and let me know when she is allright (I think this make her more upset though.. so I didnt do it). I know this seem small things, but she NEVER like this before. Lately we have fights, small ones, and cold war like this sometimes, but not this long. And this time, it feels somewhat different. And I am wondering, WHY? What is happening here? What is my mistakes actually? Because of the rubbish etc? They all small things. Why she have to be that angry??? I said I am sorry manyyyyy times without knowing what is the real problem (bad thing?)

 

She is having her period too at the moment. I dont know whetever her period causing this. She's not the type usualy. It breaks my heart seeing her like this. I know she can not sleep at night. It really bothers me. I want to cheer her up. But how? I am not good at this area. I want to buy her flowers etc but I afraid she will reject it and make everything worse.

 

Please please please.... it really breaks my heart seeing her like this.

[NrclptcNSmniak]

apparently the "bonding" chemicals start to loose their effect at around 4 years.... anyway i think that you should open up emotionally to her and talk with her about what you feel and ask her how she feels and what you can do to live a better life together with her. good communication is the base of an understanding relationship.

[sentaro]

:eek: oh my.... does that "bond" loose as in scientifically or just statistic? sound really scary..

 

thats the thing... i have tried many times to talk to her but she doesnt want to talk about it... maybe she is not ready or maybe something else.. i really dont know. maybe the timing for talking is not right? its been a week already.

 

well.. it is true sometimes is hard to talk things with her because her head is hard as a rock. she is strong in her opinion and action. but at least we can bring the subject up. not this time though...i am confuse on finding a way to melt it so we can talk thing through.

 

oh my god.. what to do.. what to do.. i care about her so much. it hurts me, but more importantly it hurts her too!!!! :(

 

i wish i can be more patience that day. i know i am not perfect. but really wish can give her the best. i know i get a lot from her. so i want to give her a lot too...

[slubberdegullion]

The cold shoulder, which you're experiencing now, is a form of emotional blackmail. It's like there's some sort of test that she has but she hasn't told you what the rules are.

 

Stop apologizing. Tell her, calmly and rationally, that you will not tolerate her infantile behaviour any more and then end the conversation. She'll probably yell or cry or whatever and try to play the victim. Have none of it. Stay strong. If she's worthy of your love and companionship, she'll come around. If she's not, then she'll continue her little mind games. Either way, you'll have your answer.

[Reckless]

It is unrealistic for couples to think they will never have conflict and unhealthy if they somehow manage to do so, what is important is how they deal with it.

 

This is how your girlfriend deals with problems/conflict - get used to it. Maybe it wasn't called for in the past because you tended to 'give in' or let her have her way when the chips were down. Lately her true 'conflict stlye' is emerging.

 

If there is something really bothering your lady (something serious, not that you yelled at her to take out the trash...) then you should be able to sit down and get that 'something' out into the open. What kind of relationship do you have that she can't talk to you about her worries? Maybe she's sick or stressed at work? Maybe she was raped or abused (God forbid)...Maybe someone's giving her trouble or shes worried about her parents.. I don't know... but it doesn't look good, that she doesn't feel she can talk to you about it. I'd fix that situation and get your communication up to scratch or it won't bode well for your future life together.

 

Then again maybe she's just a moody, spoilt immature brat whose bad behaviour your are reenforcing by begging and grovelling (flowers are fine as a symbol of genuine regret or a token of affection but NOT to reward childish destructive behaviour and certainly not to 'bribe' your partner to speak to you for godsake...).

 

In any case, I would advise you to sit down with her and apologise once if you spoke disrespectfully to her about the trash. Tell her you have seen she's not sleeping and ask her to have enough confidence in you to share her worries. Tell her you love her and whatever it it you'll deal with it together.

 

 

If she assures you that there is no underlying problem and she is just upset about the trash (which I seriously doubt) - point out that your relationship will not survive deep freezes like this and that she should cut the crap and fast or find herself ignoring your back moving towards the door.

[slubberdegullion]

This is how your girlfriend deals with problems/conflict - get used to it.

Sorry, I disagree strongly. Asking him to get used to emotional blackmail and the contol issues that it shows is like asking her to get used to the him being an emotionally abusive pr!ck (which in this case doesn't apply, as far as I know... it's just a way to make the point).

Then again maybe she's just a moody, spoilt immature brat whose bad behaviour your are reenforcing by begging and grovelling (flowers are fine as a symbol of genuine regret or a token of affection but NOT to reward childish destructive behaviour and certainly not to 'bribe' your partner to speak to you for godsake...).

Now here I agree. Pandering to her while she's in this state only reinforces her behaviour.

In any case, I would advise you to sit down with her and apologise once if you spoke disrespectfully to her about the trash.

Yes, but only apologize once.

... your relationship will not survive deep freezes like this and that she should cut the crap and fast or find herself ignoring your back moving towards the door.

Agreed, 100%.

[Reckless]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reckless

This is how your girlfriend deals with problems/conflict - get used to it.

 

Sorry, I disagree strongly. Asking him to get used to emotional blackmail and the contol issues that it shows is like asking her to get used to the him being an emotionally abusive pr!ck (which in this case doesn't apply, as far as I know... it's just a way to make the point).

 

I understand what you're saying slubber, and yes, you're right - in an ideal world he'd 1) walk or 2) She'll change after a good 'talking to'.

 

but...

 

option 1) I'm pretty certain isn't on the cards (he's asking how to get her to end the freeze - doesn't even seem to be considering that there shouldn't even BE a freeze)

 

From what Sentaro wrote I get the impression he is still very much in love with her. So the balance will probably continue in this direction and without making a judgement, couples do continue in the most unhealthy of pattens and seem to do 'alright'...

 

option 2) In my experience people rarely change very much and if she remains spoilt he must a) remain indulgent or b) get used to the freezes.

 

I'm not saying accepting this behaviour is the BEST option, but realistically it is an option. I wish it wasn't so but people put up with all kinds of cr@p, I was just trying to point out that given that she probably won't change he should know that this will be his life should he decide to stay. Sometimes that's all people need to hear to decide that's what they DON'T want and if they decide to say, they can't say they haven't been warned.

 

Still point taken...

[Woggle]

Walk away and tell her that when she is ready to deal with things like a mature adult she can come see you. If she pulls this crap too often find a new girlfriend.

[sentaro]

Thank you for all the support and reply!! :) Deep inside I am really boiling but your posts really keep me sane. She is right beside me in the bed, but I miss her so much.

 

Yes I still love her very much. I do feel the problem is not just the trash, must be something else. Something deep down inside her that comes up triggered by the trash.

 

I have stop apologizing for now and stop asking her to open up for a talk. At least for a while. Leave her alone. Give her attention other that this. Let her think without my interruption. Make her confortable. I can not leave her alone because we live together. I am thinking to take a short trip next week alone. We need the time apart maybe..

 

I agree leave her or have a good discussion will be the best and most logical choice. But I choose not too. If this is her decision to find out something about herself etc, then I decided to be patience and support her. Apart from her hard behaviour, she is a nice caring girl.

 

I cook her dinner last night, and prepare some for her lunch. She is on annual leave at the moment. And I play some movie, she watch it. Her mood is better when we have dinner, but somehow change again during movie. Whats best is, she sleep like a baby last night. I just love it!

 

Wish me luck.... wish me i so i will strong. I am off to work now... (working on a weekend? *yuck*...)

[NYCmitch25]

Thank you for all the support and reply!! :) Deep inside I am really boiling but your posts really keep me sane. She is right beside me in the bed, but I miss her so much.

 

Yes I still love her very much. I do feel the problem is not just the trash, must be something else. Something deep down inside her that comes up triggered by the trash.

 

I have stop apologizing for now and stop asking her to open up for a talk. At least for a while. Leave her alone. Give her attention other that this. Let her think without my interruption. Make her confortable. I can not leave her alone because we live together. I am thinking to take a short trip next week alone. We need the time apart maybe..

 

I agree leave her or have a good discussion will be the best and most logical choice. But I choose not too. If this is her decision to find out something about herself etc, then I decided to be patience and support her. Apart from her hard behaviour, she is a nice caring girl.

 

I cook her dinner last night, and prepare some for her lunch. She is on annual leave at the moment. And I play some movie, she watch it. Her mood is better when we have dinner, but somehow change again during movie. Whats best is, she sleep like a baby last night. I just love it!

 

Wish me luck.... wish me i so i will strong. I am off to work now... (working on a weekend? *yuck*...)

 

You should say something like this to her " She is right beside me in the bed, but I miss her so much." I think it's obvious that the trash isn't the problem, but finding out what it is will be your task. Could be she is tired of you being "overly anal" or she has a new love interest or she's not happy with where she is in life.

 

After four years you should be able to figure her out and what this is all about. Can you have dialogue with her? Do you ever? Does she get like this consistantly? What are your ages? I guess from initial comments, the relationship is in trouble IMO..

[sentaro]

Yes I totally agree the problem is not the trash. Its something else and she's not telling me. I have been thinking whole time what it is and I cant find it .

 

Today, just like yesterday, I cook dinner for her and she spoke to me like yesterday! Later she even asked some help from me! But later, in the bed, she throw me the cold again. I think she afraid I am going to say "what happen to you?" again. She is avoiding the conversation. I asked her "what time you work tomorow" and she is completely ignoring me. :(

 

So maybe giving her space and time is the best for now. I will take one step each day. I am giving her my support. I think she have something for herself to solve personally before we can talk it together.

 

Maybe I am not being mature enough for our relationship, not attentive enough, not caring enough.. I dont know. Many things popup in my head during my thinking sessions.

 

She's been under stress lately. Work without breaks. Then moving into a new job soon etc. I am 28 and she is 25. Yes, we can have a dialogue usualy. And sometime she (or me) is like this but only for several hours, just to calm ourselves before we start talking. However somehow this time feels different.

 

I will take one step each day. Probably, I will bring some flowers for her tomorow. Hopefully she will not reject it.

[NYCmitch25]

Yeah I can see how you have that confusing feeling, I've been there myself. I can really see giving her space could seem helpful, but it will only allow problems fester and grow (and this is comming from a non-confrontational type of guy). However, I'm glad to see you introspective about it all, it will lead you to resolution faster. But you also may be gaining a false perception of things with the "taking her emotions by the hour" approach IMO.

 

Things like stress or pregnancy or perhaps a undiagnosed "bi-polor" could be affecting her emotions and of course only you could put the finger on these types of problems. I guess I'm saying that I'm not going to comment on them since technically 'I can't'. Maybe you should tell her these things : "Maybe I am not being mature enough for our relationship, not attentive enough, not caring enough.. I dont know. Many things popup in my head during my thinking sessions. " in the form of a question? Also, I didn't notice that you said "what happened to *you*?" because it's not her it's "us", "what happened to us?". Don't put things on her even though you feel it really is, it just puts her on the defensive.

 

As I said before, I'm going to assume that the issues are relationship based and not induced by external pressures or whatever and proceed from that point of view ONLY.

 

Basically, your 28 and she's 25 and what would a woman around 25 years of age want (obvious right?) ? I suggest that you somehow work up the idea of long term goals like where you see yourself in 5 years and perhaps use that as a springboard to ask her the same. If she can't answer that in any real way, that illustrates a very negative outlook on your relationship. If you are daring enough, you could carefully work the big "M" word into conversation and if done correctly could yield some insight.

 

If you haven't picked up on my subtle clues yet, I'm telling you to figure out if she wants more or if she wants less out of the relationship. Bringing up "M"arriage and seeing her response could foster the stark reality you need to figure things out. I say 'stark' because I just have the feeling that she isn't invested in the relatoinship so much anymore -- that is conjecture, not fact. Be prepaired for the worst and I say abruptly end things if she doesn't respond well to this type of dialogue.

 

 

ps if you arent ready for the big M, perhaps that is the problem too.

[sentaro]

I am so sorry if I use this thread somehow as a journal. I feel better each time I able to express my feeling here.

 

I agree with you NYCmitch25, using the word "you" and "I" is bad. So I've been using the word "us" since the problem start (since I felt this problem is different thing).

 

I bought a card and chocolate for her today saying that "I miss you". Thats it, nothing else. And leave them on her pillow. I know she saw it when she get change, and she almost cried (she's tried to hide it, though). Then we have our dinner, and I went to work. When I come back, the card and chocolate is on my side of bed now. Seem she's rejecting it *ouch*. I dont even know she check on the card or not *sigh* I almost fainted and cry. But I control myself and tell myself to be strong for her. Take it slowly. This is for her sake.

 

Regarding marriage. The topic did come up a bit during out chat few times. We both agree that our relationship is steered toward marriage altough we havent decided when and 'yes or no'. I have been wanting to talk about this seriously but scared I am pushing her too much and she will backaway. Also economically I am not ready, maybe she is worry about this too.. I always afraid this put her into insecurity somehow.

 

I am thinking to go away for few days. Away from her. Maybe this is a good idea so I can 100% dissapear for few days. Giving her time for her own.

[AlmostMarried77]

I'm not saying whether its a good or bad thing, i'm just asking before i say anything else:

 

Have you actually lost your temper with her? And I mean lost your temper as in really shouted at her without holding too much back.

[sentaro]

No I am not really shouted. But I did say it in anger tone. This is not the first time it happen. I did this before and she was so angry. And ask me not to repeat that again. Maybe thats why. We never shouted at each other.

 

Today is my birthday (yay!). She didnt say anything. She do remember though for sure. I really wonder how she is. I will try to offer the card and chocolate again later tonight..

[AlmostMarried77]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you might need to loose your temper and show her how p*ssed off you are with her. Obviously without hitting her or any other violent acts. The fact you keep backing down and just trying to please her could be making her more angry and prolonging this bad status quo.

 

I'd recommend you get a second opinion on that first though before doing anything out of character.

[sentaro]

Thank you AlmostMarried77. We have promise not to yell loudly to each other. And we always respect that promise. Not once we have break that promise. But not only because of that reason I am not loosing my temper. Its because she wouldnt like it. That kind of pressure will only drift her away and she will become more pissed.

 

I am not trying to please her at the moment actually, but rather calm her down. I dont know if she get that signal..... or even makes things worse.

[AlmostMarried77]

Nobody likes being shouted at (not many people like shouting either) and when you're in love you make some promises which may be unrealistic to keep. I know that i've made and broken a similar promise myself. Yes she didn't like what i said but then I didn't like her attitude or how she was treating me.

 

Anyway, see what the others say. But at some point you are going to have to grab the bull by the horns and deal with the situation in one way or another.

[NYCmitch25]

[size=7]happy Birthday !!!!

[NYCmitch25]

Regarding marriage. The topic did come up a bit during out chat few times. We both agree that our relationship is steered toward marriage altough we havent decided when and 'yes or no'. I have been wanting to talk about this seriously but scared I am pushing her too much and she will backaway. Also economically I am not ready, maybe she is worry about this too.. I always afraid this put her into insecurity somehow.

 

I am thinking to go away for few days. Away from her. Maybe this is a good idea so I can 100% dissapear for few days. Giving her time for her own.

 

I understand , you have gotten to the point where you guys need to let things to cool down to gather thoughts. I still think that since you can't figure out what the problem is you are going to need to push for it harder but then again, you may need to live in denial because you aren't ready to let go? Are you prepared for the possibility that this relationship could end? It's obviously one or the other is the case and proposing to her or something would be the trump card (note: if you wanted to be more macho you could just leave her and hope she begs for you back). However, your reluctance to bring up issues such as this tends to make it seem like things aren't going well at all. You seem like a real nice guy, I would consider ending things instead of turning your life into a greek drama. However, just yelling at her could make you release your anger about it all but I'm not sure if it's productive out side of that light... good luck

[sentaro]

Hahaha Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you for all reply and the birthday wish!

 

Whenever she want to leave me, I am ok. It will hurts, but better like that rather living in limbo. Live must goes on for both of us. Thats for the good of us anyway. And, yeah I know I am in limbo right now, but I feel this is not it.

 

I think she really have something need to be solved, and she is taking her time for it. You see.. today she said she put a cease fire, bought me present, and bring me for bday lunch. But after lunch the cold war start again. Looking at today happening. I have decided to wait. Seem she need to solve something.. really.

 

And yes, I will really bring the marriage issue once things settle down. I really want to talk about it lately, but the time never been right. She is really the love of my heart. Just imagining her face, I feel warmth. Yeah it still killing me looking her like this.

 

And Hey! I feel good today! Must be because things that happen today and all of your support here! I am truly grateful. Somehow I start to see light at the end of the tunnel. And hopefully all will become clearer as day progress.

 

Ah, yes, I am planning to go for a trip on Thursday alone. I am not telling her about this plan. I just afraid this trip will make her more upset. However I do think few days of separation is good for both of us. Your opinion is welcome on this.

[sentaro]

Just some update.

 

She still not talking to me. But I can face everything more calmly now.

 

And at the end I decided not to take the trip due to time concert. But if I ever take the trip, I will tell her first before I do it. Not telling her can make her even more hurt.

[sentaro]

Hi All!!

This is the happy me talking :D :D

Yes.. we have talk again now. About a week infact!!!

And we did discuss about the matter. In short she is angry to me. REAL angry. And we sort out everything. Things going just fine this past days. I will love her more from this day on. :love:

Well.. I just want to say THANK YOU to YOU ALL for the support and advice! Especially to NYCmitch25, NrclptcNSmniak, slubberdegullion, Reckless, Woggle AlmostMarried77 - Whoever you all in real life - It means a lot to me - Thank you!! :)