Current Problem

[Joli]

I have not been reading nor posting here for a while but here I am again when I need your help remembering your advice from the previous time.

 

Here is the problem. My boyfriend is deprssed and I do not know how to deal with his depression. His depressions come and go and they are not long nor often. This time is very sad for me, because the source of his depression is his mother's illness. She is an old lady(87) and is loosing her mind causing serious damages ( she does not pay bills, etc., finantially, he supports her). She does not even live in the same state and it is impossible to move her here because of the insurance purposes, so for him to take care of the multiple problems of hers is very difficult, but he does not give up. Currently, he is overwhelmed with everything and he fell into a deep depression.

 

What should I do? How can I help him? What is better, to wait until he will get better or force my company over him now? I do not have any experiences concerning problems of this sort. My relationship with him is very serious, even though moving in together, uder present circumstances, is impossible. I cannot afford to support him, and he spends almost all of his money covering his mother's expenses.

 

PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR OPINIONS!

[Ashesmum]

He needs counseling for the severe depression he gets. He needs to talk about all the stress in his life including the way feels about his mother's situation. If he keeps up like this, he's gonna sink. Make him realize this. And if he needs you, be there for him. Tell him how you see things and see what he says. Just take one step at a time.

I have not been reading nor posting here for a while but here I am again when I need your help remembering your advice from the previous time. Here is the problem. My boyfriend is deprssed and I do not know how to deal with his depression. His depressions come and go and they are not long nor often. This time is very sad for me, because the source of his depression is his mother's illness. She is an old lady(87) and is loosing her mind causing serious damages ( she does not pay bills, etc., finantially, he supports her). She does not even live in the same state and it is impossible to move her here because of the insurance purposes, so for him to take care of the multiple problems of hers is very difficult, but he does not give up. Currently, he is overwhelmed with everything and he fell into a deep depression. What should I do? How can I help him? What is better, to wait until he will get better or force my company over him now? I do not have any experiences concerning problems of this sort. My relationship with him is very serious, even though moving in together, uder present circumstances, is impossible. I cannot afford to support him, and he spends almost all of his money covering his mother's expenses. PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR OPINIONS!

[Owl]

Depression comes in many forms but it certainly sounds like your boyfriend's case is stress-induced. In such cases it's very helpful to take a break from it all -- vacation, reduced workload etc. -- and there's no reason some of that logic can't be applied to this situation.

 

His mother's illness is unlikely to be the only source of stress in his life. What does he do for a living? I'm sure there will be some level of stress that goes along with his work. Strangely enough, your urgent desire to help him may be causing some stress as well. I know if my girlfriend was openly worried about me that I'd actually feel pretty bad. I'd be worried that I was causing her worry -- know what I mean? Make sure you're approaching this problem with a "Whatever I can do to help in this situation, just say the word" attitude, rather than a "Please, please, PLEASE let me help you!!" attitude, and it might make him feel a lot more at ease. It's not a question of "forcing your company on him", as you put it, but simply of being there for him in this tough time.

 

Has he sought any help caring for his Mother? Where I live (Ontario) there are lots of charities that can help out senior citizens in that kind of situation. Organizations like The March of Dimes (you have them in the USA, right?) can actually drive around door to door helping people like his mother in all kinds of ways, from cleaning the house to making sure she remembered to pay the bills. They can't help in every area, but they will take some of the load off, and that's the whole point of this exercise. It's obvious his situation is just too much to manage right now, and over time his depression will only get worse unless those pressures are reduced. Every little bit helps.

 

Finally, there's always the prospect of medication, which can be a huge help when dealing with depression, even off-again on-again depression like this. Modern anti-depressants have very mild side-effects, if anything. Some people still have a stigma against taking them, but that attitude is based on stereotypes and misinformation. If he fully describes the situation to his doctor, I guarantee you the doctor will immediately suggest medication as one possible solution. He can always stop taking it when circumstances improve.

 

Hope that helps some.

I have not been reading nor posting here for a while but here I am again when I need your help remembering your advice from the previous time. Here is the problem. My boyfriend is deprssed and I do not know how to deal with his depression. His depressions come and go and they are not long nor often. This time is very sad for me, because the source of his depression is his mother's illness. She is an old lady(87) and is loosing her mind causing serious damages ( she does not pay bills, etc., finantially, he supports her). She does not even live in the same state and it is impossible to move her here because of the insurance purposes, so for him to take care of the multiple problems of hers is very difficult, but he does not give up. Currently, he is overwhelmed with everything and he fell into a deep depression. What should I do? How can I help him? What is better, to wait until he will get better or force my company over him now? I do not have any experiences concerning problems of this sort. My relationship with him is very serious, even though moving in together, uder present circumstances, is impossible. I cannot afford to support him, and he spends almost all of his money covering his mother's expenses. PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR OPINIONS!

[Joli]

Thank you very much for responding with such a long and detailed informative letter. I certainly know very little about depression and its forms. My boyfried is a professor; therefore, the stress concerning his profession is probably not contributing to his present mental condition (vacation). He has been into a therapy and was taking medications. He stopped a couple of yers ago, because his body does not tollerate well any drugs. However, he still takes daily herbal products for that purpose, which seemed to work. The worst part of his depression for me is that he becomes very silent. Our communication diminishes and I feel guilty, even though I know that I have not done anything wrong. I am hurt inside, but I also try to understand that he is simply ill and this is not his fault. I feel so powerless and so silly right now. I know that it is wrong, but I am almost angry with him.

Depression comes in many forms but it certainly sounds like your boyfriend's case is stress-induced. In such cases it's very helpful to take a break from it all -- vacation, reduced workload etc. -- and there's no reason some of that logic can't be applied to this situation. His mother's illness is unlikely to be the only source of stress in his life. What does he do for a living? I'm sure there will be some level of stress that goes along with his work. Strangely enough, your urgent desire to help him may be causing some stress as well. I know if my girlfriend was openly worried about me that I'd actually feel pretty bad. I'd be worried that I was causing her worry -- know what I mean? Make sure you're approaching this problem with a "Whatever I can do to help in this situation, just say the word" attitude, rather than a "Please, please, PLEASE let me help you!!" attitude, and it might make him feel a lot more at ease. It's not a question of "forcing your company on him", as you put it, but simply of being there for him in this tough time.

 

Has he sought any help caring for his Mother? Where I live (Ontario) there are lots of charities that can help out senior citizens in that kind of situation. Organizations like The March of Dimes (you have them in the USA, right?) can actually drive around door to door helping people like his mother in all kinds of ways, from cleaning the house to making sure she remembered to pay the bills. They can't help in every area, but they will take some of the load off, and that's the whole point of this exercise. It's obvious his situation is just too much to manage right now, and over time his depression will only get worse unless those pressures are reduced. Every little bit helps. Finally, there's always the prospect of medication, which can be a huge help when dealing with depression, even off-again on-again depression like this. Modern anti-depressants have very mild side-effects, if anything. Some people still have a stigma against taking them, but that attitude is based on stereotypes and misinformation. If he fully describes the situation to his doctor, I guarantee you the doctor will immediately suggest medication as one possible solution. He can always stop taking it when circumstances improve. Hope that helps some.