MrPinkEyes Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Not sure if this is the right forum to put this in, but I'll try here anyhow. My second wife and I have been separated since August 2005. We split because of several issues between us, mainly in regards to our different parenting techniques. We both have children from previous marriages. Mine are 4 and 8, hers are 8 and 12. At the beginning of November, we had decided to try "dating" again, without involvement of the children. So, on nights when we didn't have our children, we would hang out, go on dates, all the usual activities associated with a "dating" scenario. Shortly after, I had found out that she had been looking around and talking with other people on an online dating service. She initiated this after we started dating. I pretty much lost trust in her, and we still have most of the problems we had before still present, as we are both pretty adamant on our views. During the time we were trying to work things out, we had gotten a little careless. After we pretty much called it quits, she found out she was pregnant. I have been beating myself up over it all, because I know that if her and I try to work things out, it would probably be more damaging to the unborn child, as well as to the children we already had. I also feel that putting the children through emotional and custodial tug of wars is also very damaging. Knowing how she is in regards to her and her first husband's children, I also fear that no matter how I try to work things out with her, she will try to put me and the child through the same battles. I want to be a major part of the child's life, but I don't want to risk putting anyone through hell in the process. It makes me think it may just be easier on everyone if I just walk away, providing the necessary financial support, of course, and let her take all rights to the child. On the other hand, knowing how she is and how some of her behaviors has affected my children, I want to try to obtain full custody of the child, and allow visitations. I just don't want to do any harm to anyone, and I don't see any solution to this. I know she wants it all to work out and have us all living together as a happy family, but I know its just not possible. I have concerns for all the other children feeling just pulled back and forth, and worry that in the long run, the end won't justify the means. If anyone has any insight, please help, I'm torn up inside and just can't seem to find the "right" answer in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 If you can't agree on how to parent, then the best thing would be for you to find the psychologist with the best reputation in town and then agree to abide by his advice and go forward with the marriage on that basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrPinkEyes Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 Our parting was more than over the parenting issues, though. It also had a lot to do with my kids' discomfort being there and her treatment of them (basically made to feel her kids were better than mine, disincluding my kids from family activites when I wasn't there, etc.) My oldest son has expressed issues to me and to his mom, as well as to the psychologist he's seeing for ADHD, my youngest has nightmares with her (he has bladder control problems at night, and frequently wets his bed, but since moving out, he has done so less and less - in fact, in the first week out of her house, he didn't wet at all.) As far as parenting goes, she is very free with her kids, as she doesn't hold back in the language department and pretty much lets her kids get away with murder. Including being disrespectful to herself, me, and my children. Where I have always been one to try to instill manners, and try to avoid using language that I wouldn't want my child to say. I don't feel I'm a strict person, but I don't feel its right to expose a child to inappropriate behavior. One of the big complaints I have about it is that on a couple of occasions, she has actually cursed her son out. My oldest son's bedroom was right next to her son's room, where she was going off on him. We both are strongly opinionated on our viewpoints on parenting. I can't say she is a bad parent, because, yes, she is involved in her children's lives. It is a matter of how she goes about dealing with her children. It also means that if I am not allowed to step in with her kids, where does she feel she is allowed to do so for mine? On several occasions, I bit my tongue when her children were being difficult, having bad attitudes, and just generally being bratty, yet she wouldn't say a word. I stepped in one time, one time only, when her son smarted off to my stepdad. She didn't say a word, so I did. She got irate with me, and made it seem as though her son did nothing wrong. On the other side of things, she has stepped in numerous times while I was already handling situations with my children, even though it had been discussed before that she shouldn't do that. Of course, there are the other non parenting issues, as well as codependent tendencies I have that were taken advantage of. I have been mulling over everything for a week now, and I just can't figure anything out. Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 well, pinky, i have never been in this situation, so i am just going to say this..... if you picked your name for the reason i think, than we have a big, fat something in common. if not, then well......do what's best for the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrPinkEyes Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 Yep, the name matches your sig. Fat Bob and the Cureheads, lol. Once I can figure out the avatar, I'll show you my tattoo... Link to post Share on other sites
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