I feel rejected and not sure if it was my fault or simply his lack of interest in me

[bigbrowneyes]

One minute I am happy I got to see him last night. The next I feel miserable like he is taking advantage of me. One minute I am happy he emailed me today remembering how upset I was not too long ago when he didn't, the next I am unhappy I responded so happily not letting him know I was upset I saw him so late. I feel utterly tormented.

 

Fun,

 

Please don't misunderstand what I am about to suggest (it is not intended to be cruel, just a question/concern) but have you ever considered that fact that perhaps you suffer from some type of mental illness. Based on some of the comments you make in your post, you exhibt the thinking and behaviors of someone who may have a chemical imbalance that could be treated with a combination of therapy and medication. I dated a guy once who was ADHD and his behavior was very similar to what you've express on this message board. I admire the fact that you are searching for answers and are so willing to read and selfreflect. This forum really makes one do some soul searching and I've been grateful to read the advice of many experienced people. It's nice to receive the opinions of unbiased people with honest responses. I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like 2006 is going to a good year for you! You appear to be on the right path...just keep walking and don't give up.

[Outcast]

While it might be worthwhile to look into disorders, this sort of behaviour isn't necessarily that of someone with ADHD. If Fun finds that the books don't help her, hopefully she'll see a counselor who will figure out soon enough if a disorder might be the problem.

[Fun2BMe]

I don't think I have any disorders. I think it's only fair to be treated right. If he doesn't call consistently then it's reasonable if I get upset. If he doesn't see me on weekends and earlier in the evening, it's reasonable to get upset unless my sense of self worth was low. Why the ganging up? Doesn't anyone see it from my point of view? Or you are on purpose trying to make me think something is wrong with ME.

 

But in any case, I was happy when he emailed me again yesterday after the initial one I mentioned AND he called me last night. At first we were having a great conversation and discussed many different topics. Then when he mentioned he was going away to his family for Christmas it made me upset since I wanted to spend it with him. I started going off on a lot of things and now regret it. He hurridly said it was getting late and he had to go and hung up. I had had a little bit to drink to loosen up and be conversastional. I like him so much that I can get nervous, but unfortunately it made me act terrible and I am paying the price for it now.

 

I tried calling back twice but he didn't answer! I have been feeling miserable since, all over again. I haven't contacted him so that I can be what one of you advised "cool as a cucumber" and not always contact him and instead waiting for him to call maybe apologize for getting off the phone so quickly which was a little rude after be on the phone for so long. But yes I will apologize too for getting upset. The scary part is I can't remember all of the things I said. I hope things aren't worse than I think they are.

 

In the morning I saw a rude text I had typed up to send to him when he wasn't answering his phone but fortunately in my drunkeness I had typed up the wrong number to send it to and it didn't go through. I remember going to my computer to send him an email but everything was too blurry and I couldn't concentrate enough fortunately to type. Next time I will not answer the phone if I have had anything to drink.

 

He hasn't emailed all day either. I hope it is because he was busy. It's like whenever things start to go well, I do something that makes it all bad then feel all broken hearted trying to make it right again. This time I will admit it was my fault 75%, but if I didn't like him so much I wouldn't care about his plans, doesn't he see that? I will explain everything when we talk again. Not sure if I should email or give him some room and wait for him to. Any suggestions?

[Outcast]

If he doesn't call consistently then it's reasonable if I get upset. If he doesn't see me on weekends and earlier in the evening, it's reasonable to get upset unless my sense of self worth was low.

 

Doesn't anyone see it from my point of view?

 

No because you are not approaching this situation appropriately.You are not entitled to expect that behaviour at the beginning of a relationship.

 

he was going away to his family for Christmas it made me upset since I wanted to spend it with him.

 

Again, after only a few dates, it's way beyond the pale to expect him to forego his parents and spend Christmas with you.

 

I started going off on a lot of things and now regret it

 

Again, you seem to have a lot of trouble understanding appropriate behaviour for the early stages of a relationship. You seem to think that because someone has gone out with (and slept with) you a few times, you own him and are in a committed partnership. You jump WAY too far ahead.

 

He hurridly said it was getting late and he had to go and hung up.

 

Unsurprising. You have probably shot yourself in the foot for the last time.

 

Seriously, please consider getting therapy to learn how to act in dating situations. For whatever reason, you seem unaware of the etiquette and manners and expectations which are normal for various relationship stages and this will always cause you problems.

[luvtoto]

OK...so "cool as a cucumber" was not exactly what I meant...what I meant was to CHILL! Get back to your everyday life and quit obsessing over this guy! You are spending way tooooo much time woooorrryyying about this guy's next move. You aren't really in the position to be so demanding with him. You two are just getting to know each other.

 

Yes, my attitude has changed some...as I've been reading this post...I've learned alot!!! Even my attitudes changing. I get it.

 

Just go with the flow now...then, later when things start to get more serious (possibly) then I am sure this guy will do *whatever* it takes to put a smile on your face.

[Fun2BMe]

Yes, my attitude has changed some...as I've been reading this post...I've learned alot!!! Even my attitudes changing. I get it.

Now my attitude is changing too. We spoke on the phone last night, he brought up about our convesation the previous night when I had too much to drink, he said I went off on him when he told me he was going home for Christmas, that we were seeing each other for only a few weeks and I was telling him off about his plans in December. He said that he thinks I am causing too much drama. This upset me and I started to cry. He just doesn't get it.

 

I told him it's not fair to take too much into consideration the things I said since I was drunk, but on the other hand he should be flattered instead of upset how I reacted, it only shows I like him a lot and would be sad if he were to be away. Why get upset about that?

 

We went back and forth for a long time, he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me anymore. In the end he said he would to see if I have learned anything from what has happened. The strange thing is at the end of it all, instead of feeling relieved that things are back "ok" I am beginning to resent him. I was very hurt the way he was talking to me, how he made me cry, how we could talk passionately about other topics but if it is something between us that I happen to bring up, all of a sudden it is in the drama category. Whereas I felt like I finally spoke my mind even though I would've said it differently and left out a lot of stuff that were induced by the alcohol, I get the impression from him and many of you that it is better to "control" the emotions, keep my mouth shut and my feelings and thoughts to myself.

 

Even though I have thought he was "it" and I was madly into him like nobody ever before, I am surprised and how cool I am now feeling towards him. I am wondering to break things off and be with someone who can appreciate a sensitive and emotional person who doesn't mean any harm, just gets taken away by her strong feelings , positive ones, towards the person she likes.

 

There may be "cool cucumber" types and warm emotional types and I would rather be myself the warm emotional expressive type and hope to meet someone who can appreciate that. I feel too fake if I feel strongly about something and have to CHILL fearing that opening my mouth will get me in trouble and no longer on ok terms. That is too stressful.

 

I am noticing a pattern with other men I have been with who are literally scared of expressions and discussions on the relationship, but can talk about the weather, sports or politics passionately and with more fervor. I have also been with a few who accepted me the way I was and had no problems with my emotional nature, they were in mh life a long time ago and I regret I let them go at the time.

 

You live and yolu learn. Maybe I don't have the strength to play games. I know many women play games and trick men to be with them by changing to be the type the men like to be around. I can't do it at the expense of ending up alone but I can't conceal, play down and all those other tricks. Oh well, my loss I realize. Myabe the books will convince me to play the game.

 

As of today I no longer have butterflies when I think of him, no longer "obsessed" if that's what it's called to be into someone. Good for him for putting me in check, allowing me to move on even though I think it will be his loss. I had a lot to offer. The men I am interested in are very few and far between. Maybe that explains why all of my emotions get saved up and pour onto that lucky person, and if he doesn't care for it and wants it in little packets over a long period of time instead, then I can't alter who I really am to be that type of person that are part of the so called rules of dating mentioned throughout LS.

[Outcast]

he said I went off on him when he told me he was going home for Christmas, that we were seeing each other for only a few weeks and I was telling him off about his plans in December. He said that he thinks I am causing too much drama. This upset me and I started to cry. He just doesn't get it.

 

Nope. You just don't get it. Living with someone who gets 'hurt' every ten minutes about something is utter misery. NOBODY will want to do that. You really need to get help to change this situation.

 

There may be "cool cucumber" types and warm emotional types and I would rather be myself the warm emotional expressive type and hope to meet someone who can appreciate that. I feel too fake if I feel strongly about something and have to CHILL fearing that opening my mouth will get me in trouble and no longer on ok terms. That is too stressful.

 

Allowing yourself to be buffetted by every little emotion that flies by indicates you aren't 'warm and emotional' but out of control. It's not a 'game' to control your over-the-top or inappropriate emotions.

 

Do you have a job? If so do you go off on your boss every time you don't like what she tells you? Do you just burst into tears or jump up and hug someone in the middle of a meeting because you didn't like what they said?

 

What you're being told is not to play 'games'. It's that you need to manage your emotions in a mature manner.

[Fun2BMe]

Nope. You just don't get it. Living with someone who gets 'hurt' every ten minutes about something is utter misery. NOBODY will want to do that. You really need to get help to change this situation.

I don't get hurt every ten minutes. When I do get hurt, I tend to act it out instead of ignoring it or bottling it up. When I did try to bottle it up and didn't express I was disappointed or hurt about this and that, it all came exploding out when I was talking to him while drunk.

 

Allowing yourself to be buffetted by every little emotion that flies by indicates you aren't 'warm and emotional' but out of control. It's not a 'game' to control your over-the-top or inappropriate emotions.

I don't do that though. I usually have it bottled up and deal with it on my own which is difficult, or here on LS this past week, for the exact reason that I am controlling and keeping to myself every little emotion and play it cool to him. I will try to agree with you then that that's not a game and how I'm supposed to be, except I couldn't keep it up and all the little emotions, some bigger than others, all came gushing out on the phone. His reaction completely turned me off. Like you, he didn't like that I was feeling all those things. I haven't felt the same towards him since.

 

Do you have a job? If so do you go off on your boss every time you don't like what she tells you? Do you just burst into tears or jump up and hug someone in the middle of a meeting because you didn't like what they said?

I admit that I do tend to be a little more expressive at work than all the other co-workers. As a stockbroker, I tend to get very emotional when a stock goes up or down and am very popular in the office and with my clients about it. I sometimes cry or literallly jump for joy but it has made me very successful. I get a lot of referrals. I am very sensitive and intuitive and can "tell" how a stock will do so at least in the workplace it hasn't gotten me into trouble, even though it is out of character compared to the stuffy men in suits who are stoic at the desk watching charts with as much animation as they would an ant crawling.

 

I am polar opposites with them. At first they thought I didn't fit in, was too much of a feely woman who didn't belong in their office until my client base increased and I was bringing in a lot of money for the company. I went through a lot of suffering until they accepted me so in that regard you are right, if I kept all my emotions to myself I would've blended in without having dealt with so much I have gone through at work to get to where I am, but where I am, I can be myself, express myself the way I want and it is all acceptable at this point, they all know, like and respect me.

 

Maybe I am hoping the same will happen in a relationship, that if I be myself in the long run the person will come to like me the way I am without me having to conceal or play down anything, but nobody will wait around that long to get to that stage.

 

What you're being told is not to play 'games'. It's that you need to manage your emotions in a mature manner.

Again, I have to wait for the books to come in the mail so I can read up on all this to better see what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I can see it, but most of the time I tend to justify my behavior and actions. The guy I like (or liked?) we haven't spoken since the last conversation I discussed a few days ago when he made me cry. He called the following evening but I didn't answer. I didn't want to play games so I literally emailed asking if that was him who had just called, he wrote back yes. I had no energy or desire to talk and didn't want him to think I was playing hard to get or something.

 

Last night he emailed a couple of times, I sent back short responses and didn't call. My question now is, if I am very much into someone, if they do something to turn me off, that's it, I am turned off and it is very difficult to develop the same feelings again. In a way that is good because I am able to move on without as much trouble - that is ONLY if I am turned off, not when I am still into someone and things come to an end - then it is very difficult to move on. I wonder if others experience that too. They feel so strongly that when things don't go right, there is no more energy left to spend a long time trying to fix things. I have no energy or desire left for the person, they have let me down. I wonder if my feelings were to be released and experienced in small amounts at a tiime, if I would not get uninterested so quickly when something bothered me.

 

I really was hoping things would turn into something nice with this guy, but just like a switch I don't anymore. He didn't value how I felt towards him, he didn't appreciate how I felt and made me embarassed bringing up things I had said while intoxicated. I think he might have been trying to knock me down if I was too much too fast, but he knocked me too far down, is trying to get me back and I am not interested anymore.

[itwontdawnsooner]

emotions can be extremely hard to control, but at this point if youre not interested just say so in an email if you dont want to talk... or if you have even a little bit of a suspision that maybe youre being unreasonable, why not give yourself a day to, not bottle it up, but let the emotion run its course

 

for this guy, and in the future, instead of focusing and repeating what made you upset in your head over and over and drinking to drown it out, which can be a very enticing temptation, to just drown out the flood of emotion, have a single drink (or 2 tops) - sit and relax - turn the phone on silent... don't email back and forth, dont shut things off, dont answer phone/email if you know youre going to be short... if hes still contacting you he must be somewhat interested still, save yourself the stress and tell him youre not directly, if you haven't already done so directly. and if the guy does something annoying, say it right off the bat in the most simple way possible

 

way easier said than done but hey, if youre not constnatly improving yourself in life whats the point? youre always learning.

 

best of luck with everything

[latefragment]

Am I dumb or what? i did the same exact thin, Fun2. I can relate to you, but I'm trying to change my over-emotionalness.

 

Due to things that happened in childhood, adolescence, or whatever, I ended up being an emotional basket case when I meet guys that I like. Of course when I meet guys I don't like I "play the game" perfectly well and they end up really liking me and I can be "cool as a cucumber" until I cut the cord.

 

I met a guy and went on platonic dates with him for a month, at which point I finally slept with him (I had wanted to, but for some reason, we were both taking it easy getting to know each other). Guess what. Immediately I got all these expectations, like he had to return my call within 2 days or I got angry. I felt like because i 'gave it up" he "owed me" the respect of returning my calls in a timely fashion.

 

you want to know how it ended? i bottled it up for a while and then lost it on him, crying and getting angry. you can bet i wished i could turn back time and erase my "scene." but i couldn't. i tried to reverse my actions best i could. i tried to play it cool, not call him, let him be the one to callme. that worked pretty well for a short while only ... we saw each other a few times after that but he played the hot-cold thing with me until it ended up in a very nasty encounter/exchange where he made it clear he didn't like me anymore.

 

for some reason, it hurts really badly.

 

i think that the advice we need to give each other is to: relax and if we know that we actually DO like someone, to play it VERY COOL and NOT GET ANGRY if they don't return your calls promptly after sex. after all, a lot of guys scare *themselves* after sex, they get scared that they've 'sealed the deal" and that the girl will come stalking after them. so they sort of backpedal and play it cool a while. it's a chance to let themselves re-evaluate whether they wanted to do it or not. that should provide us with time to think about things too, whether we really like them, or just like the attention, or whatever. the other alternative is to just not have sex with them until you feel more comfortable, if you can keep your libido in check. And if they don't call after sex, then chalk it up to them being a**h***s anyway who only wanted one thing.

 

but i feel like a retard for behaving the way i did with that guy. when we were in the platonic-dating stage, he was always making sexual innuendo and talking about trips in the future that he wanted to take with me. i feel that although i am an over-emotional person (which I AM working on) i was sort of set up for failure because of the relatively warm way he behaved towards me (coming on very strong, albeit verbally) and then the sort of backing off afterwards.

 

i do admit that i was overreacting in a huge way. i should not have gotten angry. i do keep on beating myself up about it - why was i so stupid? i think it's because i don't have a lot of dating experience.

 

very little dating experience, in fact. less than a year. (I've had long term practically-married thingies, but never had the actual "i'm single and dating" before. god I suck!!!!!!)

 

it was heartening to read all your posts because i feel that i could've written this exactly.

 

thanks,....

[GraceK]

I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now. And the guy I am seeing is a NBA basketball coach who is "busy" all the time, it appears the only time he has for me is anytime after 8, maybe a couple times a week. Loves to communicate via txt. We've gone on maybe 2 dates. I jumped into sex with him too early. And feel this realtionship is not going anywhere because I deserve a lot more then just texting/emails and spending time with him after 8. It's hard when you like a guy but you feel like your "working" to hard, especially at the beginning stages. Although we have wonderful time together and share great intellect... I deserve more, just like you. Therefore I ended the realtionship with him this week.

 

When the right person comes along into your life. He will want to call you to hear your voice everyday, and he will make time to see you no matter what his occupation is or the time he has, because he just cant be away from you. I have a guy friend who "played" the feild and would use excuses just to keep girls around for sex.. only putting in enough effort that strings them along. He just recently found someone that has made him a totally different person. He tells me it's just a matter of finding that person in your life, and you don't play the game. The realtionship just flows with energy of optimism! Good luck.

[Fun2BMe]

for this guy, and in the future, instead of focusing and repeating what made you upset in your head over and over and drinking to drown it out, which can be a very enticing temptation, to just drown out the flood of emotion, have a single drink (or 2 tops) - sit and relax - turn the phone on silent... don't email back and forth, dont shut things off, dont answer phone/email if you know youre going to be short...

I wish I had listened to your advice. I have still been drinking to drown it out. That is what got me into trouble with him in the first place causing me to open my big mouth, and it is only getting worse. Wed. night he emailed twice and called, I didn't take his call and emailed back very short and cold. Thursday night he emailed a couple of times, I had some drinks to calm my emotions thinking it woud help me to handle the situation better. I responded very shortly and a tiny bit rude even.

 

Whereas earlier in the week he was hinting that unlike the other weeks he would be free from work this weekend, he ended up not contacting me at all Friday and now Saturday. Whereas this troubled me before, now I'm torn if he is to blame or is it me. I keep justifying why I am upset at him and it is getting me into a bad spot.

best of luck with everything

Thank you, I need a lot of luck to improve myself and the situation.

[Fun2BMe]

Immediately I got all these expectations, like he had to return my call within 2 days or I got angry. I felt like because i 'gave it up" he "owed me" the respect of returning my calls in a timely fashion.

Yes, your situation sounds similar to mine. I don't even give it 2 days, I expect a call shortly after we are apart and at the very least a text or email.

 

you want to know how it ended? i bottled it up for a while and then lost it on him, crying and getting angry. you can bet i wished i could turn back time and erase my "scene." but i couldn't. i tried to reverse my actions best i could. i tried to play it cool, not call him, let him be the one to callme. that worked pretty well for a short while only

Exactly what I did and am going through. I bottled it up, then it all came crashing out and it scared him (and me afer the fact). I wish I could reverse it. At least thanks to the feedback I am getting, I am realizing it was wrong how I acted and the things I said, even though most of the time I tend to justify it, I am at least seeing that I might be wrong and working on myself big time.

for some reason, it hurts really badly.

I know, I am in a lot of pain.

i think that the advice we need to give each other is to: relax and if we know that we actually DO like someone, to play it VERY COOL and NOT GET ANGRY if they don't return your calls promptly after sex.

I am trying very hard to be that way but so far have been unable to. I am either being cold hearted towards him to show I am upset, definitely not being cool, or else lashing out.

i feel that although i am an over-emotional person (which I AM working on) i was sort of set up for failure because of the relatively warm way he behaved towards me (coming on very strong, albeit verbally) and then the sort of backing off afterwards.

I too am over-emotional, however my guy seems to back off only as a response to my actions I am finding out. I am ruining what could have been a good thing and hope it is not too late.

i do admit that i was overreacting in a huge way. i should not have gotten angry. i do keep on beating myself up about it - why was i so stupid? i think it's because i don't have a lot of dating experience.

Thank you for sharing your similar experience. It makes me feel better knowing someone else can relate to what I am going through.

[Fun2BMe]

When the right person comes along into your life. He will want to call you to hear your voice everyday, and he will make time to see you no matter what his occupation is or the time he has, because he just cant be away from you.

That is part of what is scary and causing me to act the way I have been out of control like. I want to be that right one who came along for him and that is why I feel upset when I am not getting the calls and being asked to see him as often as I would like. In the meantime, even if I was that right person, my ?insecure? behavior is pushing him away.

[Rebellious]

Fun2BMe

 

I disagree with all those that said that there's something wrong with you mentally, or that you need to go buy books to "fix" yourself. You've been encouraged to repress your feelings and play mind games with men that you find attractive. That's unnatural for you, and you won't be happy doing it.

 

You're very open and honest, that's very endearing. You're spontaneous, passionate and capable of showing your emotions. I wish there were more women like you. You’re just frustrated because you haven’t found somebody that is compatible with you, somebody that will understand and appreciate you just the way you are.

[Outcast]

Oh come on. If she were a guy, you would not be saying it's acceptable to just brain-dump all emotions on everyone around. Maturity requires that we control our emotions, particularly the negative ones. It's not as if she's bursting into hugs and kisses every second moment. Rather, she's going off on some guy every time she talks to him over imagined slights. There's no way you'd want to live with someone who's crabbing at you every time you speak for 'offenses' you didn't even commit.

[luvtoto]

Emotions shouldn't rule.

 

I think it's important to read and try to find out what you've been doing wrong in relationships, and try to change the cycle. That is a healthy approach. I can bet that this sort of thing has happened to you many times before.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun2BMe

 

I disagree with all those that said that there's something wrong with you mentally, or that you need to go buy books to "fix" yourself. You've been encouraged to repress your feelings and play mind games with men that you find attractive. That's unnatural for you, and you won't be happy doing it.

 

You're very open and honest, that's very endearing. You're spontaneous, passionate and capable of showing your emotions. I wish there were more women like you. You’re just frustrated because you haven’t found somebody that is compatible with you, somebody that will understand and appreciate you just the way you are.

That makes me feel better. I'm sitting here wondering if I really have some major mental problem I have not been aware of and it is scary.

 

Until the books come in the mail - I shouldn't have selected media mail near Christmas time it's taking forever - I am so torn up and on the fence as to whether it is ME and I have a mental problem or it is him for not being understanding as to where I am coming from.

 

I haven't experienced this before. Usually if I like someone I will know if he's interested or not and we move on accordingly. I happen to like this person a lot and wanted it to work and am unable to read the situation.

 

Is he not interested and I am trying too hard or is he interested and I'm acting unreasonably. In the end things are screwed up at this point and I have not heard from him since Thursday. I want to find out if it was my fault or I'm crying over someone who was not interested in me.

[luvtoto]

How much is your sense of validation/self tied to having this guy want you?

[Fun2BMe]

How much is your sense of validation/self tied to having this guy want you?

That is an odd question. I would say 0%. You imply that people who want the person they're interested in to like them lack a sense of validation. That would lead to the assumption that one party in every relationship has low self worth. That's not the case with me. I have a lot to offer and think highly of myself so I still have to figure out what I am doing wrong or is it just him. At this point I am starting to think again that it really is him and I can only do so much.

[luvtoto]

You don't have low self-esteem issues...you are right. I see that you think highly of yourself...but you think poorly of others.

[Fun2BMe]

You don't have low self-esteem issues...you are right. I see that you think highly of yourself...but you think poorly of others.

Let's not get too general here. Can you maybe elaborate as to why you think I think poorly of others? Because I don't like to get treated badly?

[luvtoto]

Because you blame others when things don't go your way.

[Fun2BMe]

If I didn't think I was to blame for anything I wouldn't have ordered half a dozen books to help ME. I realized I am over-emotional and I have admitted a lot of things about myself that I am starting to find out with feedback. Please don't try to provoke or attack me, I'm only trying to get help. Not all of us are perfect, some like myself need to work on ourselves.

[Fun2BMe]

To my surprise he called me a few minutes ago but I thought the best thing to do is not to answer. I need to figure things out first. I haven't heard from him since emails way back on Thursday, again nothing the whole dam weekend.

 

If I answered, I might get all emotional and mad at him again and ruin things for good. This might be my last chance to give a better impression. First I should think things through, gather my thoughts, decide if he is in fact responsible for my upset feelings or am I being reasonable, calm down and then talk to him.

 

Maybe I am learning but it's hard because I am upset at how he has been treating me and am trying to not blame him. He didn't even leave a voicemail.