I feel rejected and not sure if it was my fault or simply his lack of interest in me

[Fun2BMe]

Now I am more confused. As I was beginning to give in and accept that it was my fault for ruining things he called as I mentioned but didn't leave a message. I wanted him to leave a message so that I could hear his tone if he was upset at me or what.

 

A few minutes later, he calls again on my other phone! Again I do not answer because I am not prepared and do not know what to say and how to say it. Maybe 2 minutes pass and he calls my cell phone - and leaves a voicemail. He sounded very nice and said he hasn't talked to me in a while and for me to call him. I have to think so hard to figure out what is going on.

 

He had mentioned last week he wasn't working this past weekend, yet I don't hear from him, this time not until late Sunday but now Monday night? I don't think so. It's his turn to feel rejected now.

[Outcast]

He had mentioned last week he wasn't working this past weekend, yet I don't hear from him, this time not until late Sunday but now Monday night? I don't think so. It's his turn to feel rejected now.

 

AUGH! There you go again!!!!!!!!!

 

STOP THAT!!!!

 

If this were a movie from the 50s, somebody would slap you across the face to stop the hysterics.

[Outcast]

He had mentioned last week he wasn't working this past weekend

 

So? It's ridiculous to assume that the only thing he has to do in his life is work or spend time with you. No, it's beyond ridiculous. It's arrogant beyond belief.

 

yet I don't hear from him

 

This turkey is calling you despite the fact that you have told him off every time he's spoken to you. Now if someone told you off every time you spoke to him, would you rush to call him?

 

You seem to think that it's normal and expected for some guy who thinks he's interested in you to obsess about you 24/7 the way you do him - and when he doesn't call you every free minute he has, you flip out.

 

That is not how normal people act.

 

.

[Walk]

This could be written into a book of "what not to do". Or "How to drive away men in 5 easy steps."

 

I'm still trying to figure out how you were showing him how much you like him by blowing up about where he's going for the holidays. Wow. Then expect him to apologize. Ha ha. That was funny. Then make him believe he's wrong about it because you're only showing how much you care about him. (Controlling/caring... same difference, eh?)

 

He had mentioned last week he wasn't working this past weekend, yet I don't hear from him, this time not until late Sunday but now Monday night? I don't think so. It's his turn to feel rejected now.

 

This is a great one!! I'm so gonna try this next time I wanna get a guy to dump me. Wow. You have opened my eyes on how to really screw up a guys brain!!

 

Okay... so let me see if I have this right so I can do the same thing...

 

1.) Get guy to like me then fall into bed because I don't wanna hurt his feelings, and want him to like me. (meaning: exhibit extremely low self-esteem and no boundaries. Gotcha.)

 

2.) Don't answer phone when he calls. Blow him off with a lame excuse of being "lazy". Without immediately following up on maybe getting together on a different night.

 

3.) Grudgingly accept a movie date with him. Fall into bed again because I have low self-esteem and couldn't say no because I desperately need him to think I'm a good person.

 

4.) Blow him off again. Be rude, curt, short, and in general, act like a bytch to him.

 

5.) Whine that he never calls and doesn't want to see you when you know he has the weekend free.

 

6.) Blow up at him because he has a life of his own, letting him know he's an ass for wanting to see his family during the holidays. Just to show I care. (That one just makes me laugh. It's so evil and conniving. I love it!!) Oh, and THEN... tell him it's only because "I care so much"... (OH, the simplistic evil of that is awesome.)

 

7.) When you finally answer the phone again, (because it's his fault your angry, right?) apologize but demand an apology from him for cutting the call short (being rude) after you had attempted to control his life, and show such a low self-esteem that you can't stand he has an outside life.

 

8.) Get mad if he isn't contacting you exactly when you wish. Never accept work or his life may get in his way of contacting you. Then when he does contact you, make sure you're short, curt, and obviously dissatisfied with his actions. This will surely drive him mad with desire for you!!!

 

9.) Then become more upset with him that he didn't ask you out on a weekend night after all of your curt replies. (Not sure this one worked, cause he still called you Monday.)

 

10.) So to completely cap the relationship off, and completely drive him away. You simply stop answering your phone. This seems slightly lame.... I think you should call him and tell him off. Really let your emotions out. Unleash the anger and let him have it full barrell. I know this will, definitely, stop him from calling you ever again.

 

*I'm being sarcastic because you don't seem to be getting the point of all of the wonderfully nice replies you've recieved.*

[Walk]

I don't believe you actually mean harm in what you are doing, nor do I think you understand how your actions affect other people. I don't believe the problem lies in "your" controlling your emotions, but more that you need more empathy and understanding towards others.

 

You only react. You go out of your way to find reasons to react. Instead of asking questions of the person, or finding out the truth, you jump to conclusions, and are racing off on whatever fairy tale version you decide on. You're not basing your feelings on what is actually happening. You're basing them off of perceived slights and actions. Only in one post, have you mentioned that you've asked him any questions. Instead of flying off the handle about his inconsiderate behavior, maybe... just maybe (this is out there, so prepare) ask him questions first. ie. "Hi, I noticed you didn't call this weekend, were you busy?" ... Or be blunt... "I'm wondering why you only call on week nights?"

 

From many years of experience, I find most people have valid explanations for their actions. Work, family, problems.. etc. But you just fly off the handle over every single perceived wrong doing of his without asking a single question.

[luvtoto]

Just wanted to add a few more to Walk's list...

 

• Cry often.

 

• Make them apologize for everything.

 

• Read into everything.

 

• Over-analyze everything.

 

• Get mad at them for everything.

 

• Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

 

I did not make this stuff up...I did a cut & paste from a website about how to annoy men.

[ReluctantRomeo]

If this were a movie from the 50s, somebody would slap you across the face to stop the hysterics.

 

Allow me

[Outcast]

This could be written into a book of "what not to do". Or "How to drive away men in 5 easy steps."

 

I'm still trying to figure out how you were showing him how much you like him by blowing up about where he's going for the holidays. Wow. Then expect him to apologize. Ha ha. That was funny. Then make him believe he's wrong about it because you're only showing how much you care about him. (Controlling/caring... same difference, eh?)

 

 

 

This is a great one!! I'm so gonna try this next time I wanna get a guy to dump me. Wow. You have opened my eyes on how to really screw up a guys brain!!

 

Okay... so let me see if I have this right so I can do the same thing...

 

1.) Get guy to like me then fall into bed because I don't wanna hurt his feelings, and want him to like me. (meaning: exhibit extremely low self-esteem and no boundaries. Gotcha.)

 

2.) Don't answer phone when he calls. Blow him off with a lame excuse of being "lazy". Without immediately following up on maybe getting together on a different night.

 

3.) Grudgingly accept a movie date with him. Fall into bed again because I have low self-esteem and couldn't say no because I desperately need him to think I'm a good person.

 

4.) Blow him off again. Be rude, curt, short, and in general, act like a bytch to him.

 

5.) Whine that he never calls and doesn't want to see you when you know he has the weekend free.

 

6.) Blow up at him because he has a life of his own, letting him know he's an ass for wanting to see his family during the holidays. Just to show I care. (That one just makes me laugh. It's so evil and conniving. I love it!!) Oh, and THEN... tell him it's only because "I care so much"... (OH, the simplistic evil of that is awesome.)

 

7.) When you finally answer the phone again, (because it's his fault your angry, right?) apologize but demand an apology from him for cutting the call short (being rude) after you had attempted to control his life, and show such a low self-esteem that you can't stand he has an outside life.

 

8.) Get mad if he isn't contacting you exactly when you wish. Never accept work or his life may get in his way of contacting you. Then when he does contact you, make sure you're short, curt, and obviously dissatisfied with his actions. This will surely drive him mad with desire for you!!!

 

9.) Then become more upset with him that he didn't ask you out on a weekend night after all of your curt replies. (Not sure this one worked, cause he still called you Monday.)

 

10.) So to completely cap the relationship off, and completely drive him away. You simply stop answering your phone. This seems slightly lame.... I think you should call him and tell him off. Really let your emotions out. Unleash the anger and let him have it full barrell. I know this will, definitely, stop him from calling you ever again.

 

*I'm being sarcastic because you don't seem to be getting the point of all of the wonderfully nice replies you've recieved.*

 

I never quote entire posts but it really bears repeating. And what's worst of all - to justify all this behaviour and think it's acceptable in a relationship!!!!!

 

I really think Fun needs to have a psych assessment because these behaviours are reading as something more serious than just 'not getting it'. This is about total inability to understand why these things might be unacceptable - and that level of self-absorbedness is not really a sign of a healthy person, IMHO.

[luvtoto]

Well, if it makes anyone feel better...I learned TONS from this thread.

I recognized a few mistakes I have been making in the dating scene that I'm gonna change. Thanks guys!

[nicki]

okay, i recognize myself in this behavior. I think you are fine, just needing to reframe your thinking a bit.

 

It seems that this guy is sending mixed messages (even if he doesn't mean to)...and you are reacting out of a hurt place because he isn't giving you what you need. And it's okay to need more. Maybe you just need a different kind of guy right now.

 

I also dated a guy like this, and it made me act crazy! Turns out he was emotionally unavailable, but very good at being wonderful when we were together....it can be so very confusing and make us act in desperate ways...and then we hate ourselves.

 

After all, we want to like who we are when we are with someone. The bottom line for me was that a new guy came along that did all those things I wanted....and it required no effort, nagging, etc. on my part. How easy! He was naturally a good communicator and cared about what I wanted.

 

I say be very clear about what you want and need. If you want and need someone to adore you, dote on you, whatever, then so be it. There are guys who will give that to you. I don't think we always need the same thing from relationship to relationship. Sometimes I need a whole lot of affection and attention. Other times, I'm quite busy and need a guy who isn't always wanting to be with me.

 

Bottom line: be honest with this guy. Take his calls. Tell him you are confused. Tell him what you DO know you want and need right now. I think most guys want to please us women. They just don't know what the heck we want. Give him a chance, but keep a close gauge on how you feel. If you feel like a booty call, then let him know that. See how he reacts, what he does. He may change his behavior. He may not. But then you will have more information to make a decision. Hey, every woman has expectations. What are yours?

 

Personally, I want a guy who calls me every day, asks what my plans are for the holidays, etc....BUT, i wouldn't push it so early in a relationship. If he said he was seeing his family for the holidays, I would tell him how much I would also like to see him and ask him when we could get together.

 

I think you just need to learn how to express what you want in a positive way, instead of a hurt way. I know it really helped me to learn how to do that. I learned to say things like "wow, I'd really like to see you this weekend, " or "I was disappointed that we couldn't make plans last weekend. I love being with you."

 

I also learned to kid around by calling guys on stuff by saying stuff like "Hmm, sounds like a booty call to me...ha ha" Believe me, a guy who really likes you will immediately say "Oh, no way. I really like you." Then you can say "Let's go out to dinner on Fri. night. before I rip your clothes off, you sexy beast!"....lighten up, but don't give up on expressing yourself...it's a fine line...

 

A guy who cares about how you feel will try to accomodate you. And you, in turn, need a guy who will share what he needs by saying something like "I'd love to see you, too, but I have to work all day. How about after work?" Then you can accommodate him without having your feelings hurt.

 

Just a few random thoughts. Sorry so long! I completely understand where you are coming from. Just come at guys from a place of strength instead of hurt. Then when you do feel hurt, they will listen and care, instead of feeling they can't do anything right ever....guys give up when that happens...so, share what you want. Let him share what he wants. Be you!

[Apex]

AUGH! There you go again!!!!!!!!!

 

STOP THAT!!!!

 

If this were a movie from the 50s, somebody would slap you across the face to stop the hysterics.

This is great

Somehow I find humor in the frustration resulting from your failure to communicate.

[Outcast]

Sometimes people don't 'hear' you until you make some noise. It's not my favourite methodology, but sometimes it's the only thing that gets through.

[Walk]

Fun,

 

What's your take on this? Do you think there's a problem with how you're reacting to the guy? Or how the guy is treating you? Or do you just think we're all nuts?

 

Do you want to see what you may potentially be doing wrong? You said you bought some books to learn more... is this something you want to do for you? Or just thinking it'd be nice, but not terribly motivated to change?

 

I'm not saying if you're unmotivated that you're lazy or a bad person. Usually that just means there isn't something you want strong enough to work for it. I'm just wondering if you want change, or if you believe your fine, and the rest of us are screwy?

[Apex]

Sometimes people don't 'hear' you until you make some noise. It's not my favourite methodology, but sometimes it's the only thing that gets through.

One word

Narcissist.

[reader]

Whew!

 

I managed to read this entire thread. The one thing I noticed is the way you say "that's not fair."

 

Life is not fair. Period.

 

You should be so busy with your own life that you don't really have time to think about this.

 

He wants to see you, take it for what it is right now, and move forward in your own life.

 

I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing you are 37.

 

Maybe it's just because of your lack of experience. And one more thing, how much, really, do you drink?

 

Take care of yourself first, and then someone else. Get busy living and do not give your phone number out to strangers at the gas station or anywhere else like that. You are asking for trouble - putting yourself in a riskly position.

 

Be careful, have fun, lighten up, and stop having sex on the first date.

[Fun2BMe]

What's your take on this? Do you think there's a problem with how you're reacting to the guy? Or how the guy is treating you? Or do you just think we're all nuts?

Wow, this is all so shocking and overwhelming. I need a moment to absorb all of your comments. I've been thinking deep down you were all wrong and setting me up to ruin all my chances with him, except for the comments that agreed with me, but now you guys seem to really be on to something as far as my behavior is concerned. To see my actions in that list is an eyeopener to say the least. I'm like is that really how the events have transpired?

 

Walk I don't even know where to begin. Ever since I didn't take his calls last night, I have been so upset and thinking all night and ever since I woke up all the terrible things I would tell him. I even considered doing the NC to really get his attention so he would see how hurt I have been. I've also been waiting for a follow up email from him to check if I got his message and to ask about me.

Do you want to see what you may potentially be doing wrong? You said you bought some books to learn more... is this something you want to do for you? Or just thinking it'd be nice, but not terribly motivated to change?

I truly am open to change. I wasn't before posting this thread thinking I was right but maybe something is wrong with how I think, come to my comclusions and the way I act on them and express them. I am eagerly awaiting for the books so I can absorb them like a sponge to help me change the way I tend to interpret things and act on my feelings before thinking them through.

 

I have a lot of thinking to do and it is hard to consider I may be wrong. The one thing that has helped me the most interestingly enough was the fact that I didn't take his call last night based on some of your feedback to take things slow and think through before I am ready to talk. The alternative was going to be for me to get all angry and upset. Had I answered the phone, I could assure you it wouldn't have been nice on the receiving end and I would have gotten upset at him for not contacting me all weekend and then would probably be here crying that he doesn't want to see me anymore . He might be annoyed I didn't answer or call back but at least now I have an opportunity to think things through before it's too late.

 

I'm not saying if you're unmotivated that you're lazy or a bad person. Usually that just means there isn't something you want strong enough to work for it. I'm just wondering if you want change, or if you believe your fine, and the rest of us are screwy?

I did think the rest of you were off but now I am very motivated to change. I really want to read the books so that my errors will be pointed out. I think it will make my life a lot easier.

 

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was so mad at him and thinking of all the things I would tell him all the while relieved that he actually called, not once but three times and was happy about that. I came up with some 'good' comments to tell him.

 

Now I'm back to my state of confusion and have to think of my next step.

1) Do I call tonight and be calm and friendly and ask how he's been, make an excuse why I was unable to talk last night?

2) Do I send him a brief email right now to say hi? That would seem like I'm playing games and intentionally avoided his call if I email without being upset. He has no idea that I was in fact trying to avoid a mistake and really needed time to think before I opened my mouth.

3) NC was an option before I read the posts today

4) Telling him off was my #1 option before reading the posts today.

5) Tell him I need more attention, that I am upset he didn't call, communicate my feelings?

 

I thinK I need to expect less from him right now, take things slow and keep myself from getting this upset. Maybe then I'll do and say the right things.

[Fun2BMe]

I think you just need to learn how to express what you want in a positive way, instead of a hurt way. I know it really helped me to learn how to do that. I learned to say things like "wow, I'd really like to see you this weekend, " or "I was disappointed that we couldn't make plans last weekend. I love being with you."

 

I also learned to kid around by calling guys on stuff by saying stuff like "Hmm, sounds like a booty call to me...ha ha" Believe me, a guy who really likes you will immediately say "Oh, no way. I really like you." Then you can say "Let's go out to dinner on Fri. night. before I rip your clothes off, you sexy beast!"....lighten up, but don't give up on expressing yourself...it's a fine line...

Some good tips. Thank you.

[Fun2BMe]

You should be so busy with your own life that you don't really have time to think about this.

The opposite has been happening. I have a very busy life but this whole issue has been bogging me down and occupying my mind and spirit.

 

He wants to see you, take it for what it is right now, and move forward in your own life.

True, I am going to try to take things more lightly. I've been this way with him because I liked him so much and have been trying very hard to make it work only to get disappointed time after time.

 

I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing you are 37.

 

Maybe it's just because of your lack of experience. And one more thing, how much, really, do you drink?

When you like someone a lot it can make you act stupid. I feel like out of control and immature the way this man is making me feel, or the way I am reacting to him. Fortunately I stopped the drinking. I did a shortly after I first was seeing him and when I got very upset. I was taking desperate measures to feel better but it made things worse from the drunk conversation I had with him. That was the end of it.

 

Take care of yourself first, and then someone else. Get busy living and do not give your phone number out to strangers at the gas station or anywhere else like that. You are asking for trouble - putting yourself in a riskly position.

 

Be careful, have fun, lighten up, and stop having sex on the first date.

Thanks for the advice. Why am I acting this stupid at my age? At least maybe I'll finally grow up. I look at other women my age and they seem to be more in control in similar situations. I am very motivated to change (or grow). Thanks for reading the whole thread and giving your feedback.

[reader]

I am so glad I didn't hurt your feelings. That was not my intention, and don't think that other people your age don't feel what you feel, they do. And, yes, they act stupid too - I know I have. Then, one day it just came to me that I needed to calm down. I realized that I was going to feel whatever I was going to feel, and that I would do what I could in a postive way to make good things happen, but that I couldn't force anyone to reciprocate.

 

I guess I decided to trust the people that I was dealing with, but not stick my neck out too much. For example, I have people in my life who give more than other friends, and the ones that give to me get that level of commitment. The ones that don't give as much, I still like, but have tempered my commitment to match theirs. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I am a more casual friend to them, and that is what they are to me at this time. If things change down the road, great, if not great. The key to this is that I don't give with the expectation of getting back. That way you don't have to worry about things not being fair. They are fair if you try to make it that way.

 

I hope this makes sense to you. Keep posting.

[Walk]

Now I'm back to my state of confusion and have to think of my next step.

1) Do I call tonight and be calm and friendly and ask how he's been, make an excuse why I was unable to talk last night?

2) Do I send him a brief email right now to say hi? That would seem like I'm playing games and intentionally avoided his call if I email without being upset. He has no idea that I was in fact trying to avoid a mistake and really needed time to think before I opened my mouth.

3) NC was an option before I read the posts today

4) Telling him off was my #1 option before reading the posts today.

5) Tell him I need more attention, that I am upset he didn't call, communicate my feelings?

 

I'm gonna make some suggstions, you can decide if you want to use them or not...

 

Why exactly are you mad/upset at him right now? Because he doesn't call you on weekends? Or is there something else bothering you? Figure this out first. If you have to sort through a million reasons to get to the one the feels most right to you, then do so. Write them all out on a piece of paper and cross off the ones that seem superficial. (you're a stock broker, you can pick the ones that feel most right. ) Don't get bogged down with a million and one "slights" that really aren't that important. When we get upset about one thing, we usually carry that over into other areas until things get overblown.

 

My other suggestion is to email him if you don't think you can trust yourself just yet on the phone. I'd make it fairly short. Explain to him that you are confused and frustrated with life right now, and you'd like a couple days to yourself to think. I wouldn't go into detail about it though. Then I'd ask him if he'd like to go out either this weekend if he doesn't have to work, or the following Monday. (It hopefully will let him know that you still do want to be with him, and give him something to look forward to.)

 

Take a time out, and re-evaluate why you are mad at him. The problem with feelings is that we have to truly understand why we feel the way we do in order to combat them. Otherwise, they grow until they can't be contained. You seem to still be upset that he's not calling you on the weekends to go out. I think this stems from your initial anger at him. If you can understand that he's been reacting to your anger and animosity from this, then maybe you can understand why he didn't feel comfortable asking you out again.

 

I'm sure it's made you feel inferior, possibly a little powerless in this situation. But by not answering his calls, or going NC, won't make you powerful or superior in anyway. It makes you feel even more undesirable, because he will stop calling you.

 

So how do you combat the feelings? You know you best, but possibly if you took a more active role in the relationship. Ask him to go out with you on day's/times that work for you, and hopefully work for him too. (Don't. Do Not. get mad at him if he can't. Ask if he's working, busy, has plans, etc. But don't jump the gun and get pissed off.) Send him silly emails during the day that will hopefully get him to contact you more often. Call him instead of waiting around for him to call you. You don't have to pursue him, but do invite him into your life instead of shunning him and then getting upset he's not trying to break in with a crowbar.

[Walk]

I have a very busy life but this whole issue has been bogging me down and occupying my mind and spirit.

 

I hear ya on this one!!

[clynn]

I've read a fair bit, but not everything on this post.

 

And while on one hand I agree with the majority of the posters that you need to work on getting your emotions in check.....

 

.....there is a niggling part of me on the other side.....

 

...That is the part of me that once dated a guy who courted me and took me out and treated me fabulously well. But I didn't hear from him on the weekend.

 

....Turns out he was dating many girls at once. Not just me.

 

.....I was completely clueless to the situation and wouldn't have thought he was as I give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I figured that eventually our relationship would progress and we would see each other on the weekend.

 

After all, it takes a while to meld your life in with someone elses. And as it stands I might have my weekends full for weeks ahead and it takes a while to introduce a new person.

 

But then again....maybe your instincts are telling you that something fishy is up.

 

....Or, maybe you're just an over-reactive lunatic female (don't worry, I am too!!!

[luvtoto]

We are just trying to teach Fun2 to make room for a little give and take and to get some balance.

 

...That is the part of me that once dated a guy who courted me and took me out and treated me fabulously well. But I didn't hear from him on the weekend.....Turns out he was dating many girls at once. Not just me.

 

Clynn, did this man *ask* you to be in a committed monogomous relationship with him? I, myself, have been hurt & disappointed by making that assumption.

[clynn]

We are just trying to teach Fun2 to make room for a little give and take and to get some balance.

 

Good for you. I don't have to tow the party line.

 

Clynn, did this man *ask* you to be in a committed monogomous relationship with him? I, myself, have been hurt & disappointed by making that assumption.

 

Look, there was nothing wrong in me making that assumption. It is a basic consideration I expected from someone I was intimate with. Call me trusting or naive or whatever you like - I like it that way.

 

This situation is far in the past now. He was the first person I was with that I made that assumption with and was wrong about. It caused me to become jaded and even treat others in ways that I would never have done before even. As a result of this experience I questioned many people and had a difficult time trusting.

 

I've come back to find someone who operated on the same basic assumptions that I do. In fact, I dated others before him that operated on those assumptions also. I find the other to be the minority - but magazines and popculture tell us it isn't.

 

OR - maybe I just like to fish from the top of the tank.

 

So....I just think that this woman is probably best listening to her instincts. Perhaps the crazy behavior is a warning sign to herself that she is in a situation that isn't healthy (for her....others may be "cool" with it). But it is useless to tell someone to "chill out", "go with the flow", "relax" when the result is a situation they are severely not in favour of.

 

Anyhow has a right to play the game however they wish and do whatever they want until they find the one they want to be with. And many just perpetually play that game becaue that is how they like it. Clearly this isn't what the original poster would be comfortable with.

[Outcast]

Look, there was nothing wrong in me making that assumption. It is a basic consideration I expected from someone I was intimate with.

 

Even though you've only dated three times and were intimate on date 1?????