...I think I want to end my marriage

[CentoStelle]

My story is really simple.

 

Great guy for husband. Nice set of kids (3). Good life ..nice home, car, dog, 2 fish.

 

I keep telling myself this over and over but somehow I come back to 'I think I want to meet someone else...'

 

I think its because when my husband and I met, I was in transition from previous longterm relationship and I was not ready for another long term thing, but one thing led to another and we got pregnant. Big Decision Time. The sound of motherhood hit it with me, and so 7 years later, 3 kids and a mortgage. I absolutely love my kids and can't complain about my life.

 

He is very supportive of me and I think truly in love with me from day 1. Even though I always felt something was missing, and now its really hitting me hard.

 

So he loves me completely, he is OK with kids but our parenting styles are pretty different and I sometimes just have to go into another room to collect myself rather than go and nag at him for not being a little more patient or understanding with them etc..

 

I find myself looking around a lot, then I have to stop and really beat myself up for it. Something is just not right here. I'm not Angelina Jolie, but I can easily attract guys if I wanted to and this is what makes even harder.

 

I have actually brought all this up with him, that I felt something was missing/not right. His response was "If you need to find out what it is your missing - I would support you". NOW, tell me, this is really confusing me even more. On on hand, this guy is one in a million, and on the other...letting me loose???? I cant understand it...maybe it's a fear thing, or a macho thing - you know like...if I come back to you then it would be because of true love or something like that. I'm almost 100% sure he has no intentions of meeting anyone else himself. Chances are I would probably not go back to him if I met someone I really liked.

 

I think I want to meet someone that touches my soul and that I just want to respect completely, but I keep telling myself that disrupting my life for 'dream' is crazy.

 

Does anyone else have a similar situation/feelings:confused?

[CentoStelle]

I just also wanted to add, without sounding fake or put on, is it that I do count myself very fortunate in having a good life and a decent guy....I guess this is why I am just beating myself up about this so much....I'm not supposed to be feeling like this....

[lindya]

He is very supportive of me and I think truly in love with me from day 1. Even though I always felt something was missing, and now its really hitting me hard......I have actually brought all this up with him, that I felt something was missing/not right. His response was "If you need to find out what it is your missing - I would support you". NOW, tell me, this is really confusing me even more.

 

On on hand, this guy is one in a million, and on the other...letting me loose???? I cant understand it...maybe it's a fear thing, or a macho thing - you know like...if I come back to you then it would be because of true love or something like that. I'm almost 100% sure he has no intentions of meeting anyone else himself. Chances are I would probably not go back to him if I met someone I really liked.

 

I think I want to meet someone that touches my soul and that I just want to respect completely, but I keep telling myself that disrupting my life for 'dream' is crazy.

 

Does anyone else have a similar situation/feelings:confused?

 

Not in a similar situation, but intrigued by yours. Clearly something is missing from your life - but is it something missing in your husband and your lifestyle, or is it something that's missing inside you?

 

It sounds very much as if you do have a very patient and tolerant guy there. I wonder why he's so adamant that he will support you in whatever you do. Is it because he's desperately in love with you and terrified of losing you? That would certainly be the more flattering explanation.

 

On the other hand, some "nice" people take that "low maintenance" approach in their relationships because they really are just not very needy. They love

their partners, but they aren't wholly absorbed in them. They are complete

in that they don't rely on the partner to bridge the gaps, so to speak.

 

Perhaps, before you kick this rather fabulous sounding husband of yours to the kerb, you should sit down, be brutally honest with yourself and figure out whether you really do know what it is that you're contemplating throwing away there. Get some counselling, if necessary. Above all, make this decision an informed one, rather than proceeding on a vague notion that there's "more for you" out there.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. I think it's good that you can dream and get itchy feet from time to time. Sometimes those feelings come along to prompt us to make changes in our lives - but too often, people over-react to them and think "my whole life needs an overhaul". If you want your soul touched, there are less drastic methods. Spending a morning in an art gallery, having friends you connect with....

 

Or reading a really absorbing book. I would particularly recommend Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert.

[reader]

There are many ways to feel satisfied besides finding someone to fill the gap. Do you have a career? What about friends?

 

I understand that you are not feeling what you would like to feel, but try other avenues before you contemplate anything drastic.

 

Maybe your husband told you that because he doesn't want you to be unhappy and doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't want him. If my husband told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, I wouldn't try to stop him, I would tell him he needed to find out, but know that I would probably move on as well. I wouldn't rant and rave, because I know my worth.

 

What will it hurt to spend some time figuring this out? See a counselor, but remember good ones guide you to help you figure out what you want - they don't tell you what you should feel. I actually had one tell me once to leave - without really hearing my story. He also what on to tell me how he fell in love with his wife's best friend, blah, blah,...What a flake. So, be careful there, and use your head.

 

Good luck.

[newbby]

can i have your husband?

[slubberdegullion]

Let's cut to the chase here:

• You have a great life;
  
• Your hub loves and supports you;
  
• You have a great cluster of kids (and other assorted animals);
  
• You want, materially, for nothing;
  
• You feel that there's something "missing" in your life, but you can't quite figure out what it is;
  
• By ending the marriage you feel that you may find that missing piece, or find a different person that fills the void;
  
• Your hub says that he will help you find whatever it is that you need.

OK, did I get this essentially correct?

 

It sounds to me like the "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!

 

In my experience, those who search for that "missing piece" have never, ever found it outside of themselves. Some turn to religion, some turn to addictive behaviours like gambling, booze or drugs, some sleep around, some become aquisitors and want to buy everything in sight. Strangely, though, it doesn't work.

 

It doesn't work because the void is not something that is peripheral. It's within you. Any attempt to find the "missing piece" outside of yourself is doomed to failure and heartbreak.

 

It's also very, very common; you're not alone by any means.

 

While I agree that a good counsellor can point you in the right direction (and I stress a good counsellor; there are lots of bad ones), they can only do so much. You have to take the responsibility yourself and take the steps and effort to determine the cause of the feeling first before you start trying to fix it.

 

Try something different. Take a night course and get a degree. Volunteer at a local food bank or something. Work with handicapped kids. Canvass for the heart fund or whatever charity you support. Get involved in local politics. Write a book. Take up jogging or some other exercise routine.

 

The point is to break the cycle of internal self-focus on the void that's inside. Introspection can be good, but dwelling on negativity won't help.

 

Good luck!

[luvtoto]

Coming from a single mother of two kids...I know what's out there in the dating scene & trust me the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I woud mame and pillage to have a guy like yours.

[nextel]

The grass is not greener on the otherside. There is really nothing to find. You already have it at home.

[Outcast]

but I keep telling myself that disrupting my life for 'dream' is crazy.

 

Slubber's advice is gold. I'll just add that the 'dream' you have is a romantic ideal based on the concept of 'soulmate' and other such foolishness which has permeated popular culture but is not based on reality.

 

Here's a great arcticle on happiness:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19940701-000025.html

[Becoming]

but one thing led to another and we got pregnant. Big Decision Time. The sound of motherhood hit it with me, and so 7 years later, 3 kids and a mortgage. I absolutely love my kids and can't complain about my life.

 

Great articles on happiness, Outcast. Thanks! One of the things I read there struck me while thinking about this situation: happiness is largely determined by feeling as though you can cause good things. It seems to me like this situation is one you feel like you didn't really control; it just happened that you got pregnant because one thing led to another. And motherhood (not you, but motherhood) made the decision to get married. This is your life, and you seem to be letting it just happen to you instead of taking responsibility for it. No one but you can make you happy.

 

You've got the seven-year itch, which didn't get a name for nothing. Your options seem pretty clear:

*Scratch the itch with a flirtation or affair, which only leads to misery all around including a loss of self-respect

*Divorce, which, hello? . . . Yeah, three young children is really a marketable quality on the meatmarket scene called dating. You'll be

so

exhausted from trying to do it all that you'll dream of going to bed just to sleep.

*Figure out what's really going on with YOU and what makes you happy and just plain grow up and take responsibility for your actions instead of expecting another to complete you. Life ain't no Hollywood ending most of the time. You made this bed (not anyone else, but you) now you're gonna have to lie in it or leave. You can either accept the situation or be unhappy to the point of having wasted what is the gift of a perfectly wonderful life if only you could see it as such.

 

I think I want to meet someone that touches my soul and that I just want to respect completely, but I keep telling myself that disrupting my life for 'dream' is crazy.

 

Having reamed you a bit, tho, I do want to say I understand about wanting someone who touches your soul and what life is like being married to someone who doesn't. Despite the fact that he's a perfectly wonderful man who loves you, the ache for a deeper intimacy is sometimes so great you'd toss it all, right? Is that a legitimate longing or is it a myth to think it can ever happen more than once in awhile? I really don't know the answer to that, which is why I'm laying out big bucks in therapy--personal and marriage.

 

Before you do anything rash, get some real help for your real issues from professionals instead of well-meaning strangers like us who love passing their observations on to others.

[JayKay]

I suspect the 'emptiness' is something you've had inside of you all your life.

 

If you expect another person to fill it for you, you will be searching the planet in vain.

 

I would ponder this carefully.

[whichwayisup]

Isn't this called the 7 year itch?

 

Sounds like life is day in and day out, kinda boring. Am I right? Something is missing, some real excitement?

 

Jay Kay's words make sense. If you aren't happy with yourself, nobody else will make you happy. Are you happy with your life as a mom, as a wife and in general? What is it that you are missing. Maybe some needs aren't being met by your husband? I don't believe his words by telling you to go ... That is a test and calling your bluff, even if he said he'd support your choice. DO not take that route. Maybe both of you could head to marriage counselling and talk it out - Find that spark, that excitment again! Don't go looking for someone else to fill it.

[slubberdegullion]

CentoStelle, are you starting to get the picture?

[westernxer]

...so 7 years later

 

You sure waited a helluva long time to reconsider.

[CentoStelle]

Wow, great feedback and I will certainly take stuff on board...I might consider getting some help or speaking to someone about it. Yes, I do get the picture Slubberdegullion!! Westernxer...I thinks its taken me 7 years to figure it all out and put it into words. I probably should have reconsidered way back then re the pregnancy, but I dont regret the decisions I have made. Its just that I think its time I addressed some issues. I dont think its a void inside me, at least not that I can honestly say, I'm waiting for someone else, or something else to 'fulfill' me. I am so busy and really dont sit around and dwell on this every waking moment, except when Brad Pitt walks by ...NO....just a joke!

 

I like what Outcast said, Reader and Lidya too.

 

So aside my story...Do you think that finding someone really special that you can respect and adore is impossible to find? I'd like to think not.

 

I think it reflects where you are in your life, and whom you attract at the level you are on. I'm not saying you should leave your partner for the challenge of new relationship, but you attract those around you to learn lessons about yourself, and when you are ready to move on, you cant stay in one place nor go back. You can only move forward and hope that your partner moves forward too and does not stay back there for too long. I'm probably not explaining myself very well...anyway....I'm not jumping ship yet, but the boat's well and truly anchored.

[Outcast]

Hunt down John Gottman's website and read what he says about lasting relationships. Respect is important, yes, but I'd be wary of 'adore' - that word sounds too much like putting someone on a pedestal. What Gottman says is that the couples that last find something essentially good about one another and that's what keeps them caring about one another.

 

That's too brief - he says a lot more, too, but he's the man who has studied successful long-term relationships so he's got really good info.

[a4a]

 

So aside my story...Do you think that finding someone really special that you can respect and adore is impossible to find? I'd like to think not.

 

I think it reflects where you are in your life, and whom you attract at the level you are on. I'm not saying you should leave your partner for the challenge of new relationship, but you attract those around you to learn lessons about yourself, and when you are ready to move on, you cant stay in one place nor go back. You can only move forward and hope that your partner moves forward too and does not stay back there for too long. I'm probably not explaining myself very well...anyway....I'm not jumping ship yet, but the boat's well and truly anchored.

 

Hello Cento,

 

I completley understand your above statement. It is very difficult to stay in a relationship when your partner has not "grown" with you. I am wondering if you feel "alone" in the relationship?...... It does not sound like you are looking to fulfill some sort of fanstasy but have lost the connection with your partner on a very basic level? It also sounds like you had expectations that have not been met in the relationship from the start?

 

I would have to disagree about finding your own agenda to fulfill your wants desires in regards to what you need from a partner. Reading, career, or other solo activities will not solve this. These things will distract you for moments but not solve the real problem or fulfill the desire to be more in step with your partner.

 

I think it is so important to talk to your partner and to share that you are not happy about your current situation. Perhaps your partner is also missing something from the relationship but found it easier to not address it?

 

To answer your question....... no it is not impossible to find a person you can adore and respect, that is easy.... to keep adoring and respecting the person you are with, that is much harder.

 

a4a

[reddog63]

CentoStelle;

 

Your story struck a cord with me because it seems very similar to mine.

 

I have a great wife, three great kids, nice house, dog and one fish.

 

If I remember right, it was around my mid to late thirties when I first started feeling discontentment in my marriage (now 42). Yes, there were certain issues between us but nothing really on a major scale. Maybe since they were reoccurring over the years it has built up some bitterness, but on the big picture of things, my wife is a nice person, great mom, etc, etc. We met very young and over the years I just do not feel in love anymore.

 

I also have come to learn as I have grown older what I like in a woman………physically fit, funny, smartass, etc…………my wife not really fitting these categories. So, I have wondered often what it would be like to find a woman that fits what I want.

 

So the questions come up, just like you. Is this a crazy dream? You only get one life right? Do I disrupt this family for what I want?

 

I have found this to be a confusing time in my life. I have actually in the past year told my wife I was leaving. She asked for more time to work on things and I gave her the time. We are doing ok lately. It just feels that once you fall out of love, it is impossible to get back. Although I married so young, that I do not recall ever feeling head over heels in love.

 

I have thought on this subject from so many different angles it hurt. I understand the other posters regarding the grass is always greener, that I should be happy for all I have, that maybe its mid life crisis, that my idea of finding a woman who fits what I want can be a fantasy, etc, etc , etc. I have rehashed this a thousand times.

 

But, as you will probably find out, no matter what others tell you such as, you should be happy, it does not really help the “missing” something feeling. I feel like my ups and downs have subsided somewhat, but I still fantasize of being on own and eventually finding that special someone. And this is coming from an Engineer type personality, who never really bought into that soul mate crap.

 

Anyway…….good luck……if you ever figure it out, let me know! lol

[Outcast]

finding your own agenda to fulfill your wants desires in regards to what you need from a partner

 

You misunderstand. It's not about 'finding your own agenda' and engaging in solo activities to pass time. It's about finding oneself, learning to experience joy and happiness in life, and finding inner fulfilment. Call it self-actualization if you will.

 

Here's a great thread from a guy who went through a similar crisis. You might benefit from the advice he got and the path he took.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=487645&postcount=1

[reddog63]

Becoming put it well........

 

"Despite the fact that he's a perfectly wonderful man who loves you, the ache for a deeper intimacy is sometimes so great you'd toss it all, right? Is that a legitimate longing or is it a myth to think it can ever happen more than once in awhile? "

[a4a]

You misunderstand. It's not about 'finding your own agenda' and engaging in solo activities to pass time. It's about finding oneself, learning to experience joy and happiness in life, and finding inner fulfilment. Call it self-actualization if you will.

 

 

 

Outcast I have been in this position to have "grown" past a partner. I went the career route, the self actualization. No matter what without a change in my partner I was not satisfied with the relationship. The self actualization actually taught me to look at it more honestly. I understood at that point that this was not the person I desired to be with.

 

However, I can say I was not looking to fulfill the role of my partner with another person that I thought was more attractive. I was not in a fantasy land about the perfect partner, or considered/wanted other people to fulfill my deisre for the partner I want.

 

No matter how much I tried to reason, look at the positive, clear out any negativity that I projected, it simply boiled down to not being able to have the relationship with this person. In the long run I was also hurting my partner by not being all that he deserved because I was not satisfied with the relationship.

 

I agree that the OP should not just chuck the relationship, however both of the partners need to deal with the issue.... and in most cases both partners will benefit in the long run if it is dealt with together not alone or just through changing habits or the refocusing of energy in just one of them.

 

I see no reason for people to stay together if they are truly unhappy and unfulfilled in a relationship. It does not do service for either person.

 

a4a

[Outcast]

The point is that the source of unhappiness and lack of fulfilment can arise from internal issues and have nothing to do with the relationship per se. Which is why it is incumbent upon the 'unfulfilled' person to do a thorough self-examination to see if she's projecting her inner discontent on the relationship.

[Becoming]

Isn't it interesting that a4a and Outcast are both right, which makes this a fascinating thread.

 

Just what is that intimate connection we're all looking for, and do we ever really get it fully satisfied? Some psychologists say no, we don't; it's our amygdala trying to get back to when things were hunky dory in the womb when we were one with someone who met all our needs and we just floated happily around. (Don't know what they do with crack babies!)

 

But the amydala is also the center of the brain most activated during engagement in various spiritual disciplines. Is the "More!" the amydala always wants oneness with the Supreme Other? So those of us who want more intimacy with others should just get religion?

 

Or should we just accept the fact that we'll never find what we're looking for in another human being, self-actualize, do the best we can, take responsibility for our part of making things good in relationships, and distract our amygdala's childish desire for more?

 

Surely there's a happy medium with relationships that run on more cylinders than others. Maybe the question is how many intimacy cylinders we have to have operating before the marriage breaks down.

[quankanne]

just a few observations here, then I'll add my two cents to the good advice given above:

 

• your decision to marry your guy was precipitated by a force outside the both of you (a baby)

 

• you've been married just about the length of time it takes someone to go through an "itch" cycle – Roseanne Cash calls it the "Seven Year Ache," which I think is more appropriate because you're longing for something, but not sure what

 

• you've got a good man who loves you to the point where he's willing to put your happiness above his, although I imagine deep down, he's hoping you'll do the right thing by him and not abandon his side

 

I think every one of us who has been married awhile has been to and through this, has felt there was something more to be found but thinking it's an external thing. Was it Slub who said that you've got to seek and heal the ache within, rather than find the "answer" in someone else? I think that holds pretty true, because you're not going to be satisfied with someone if you're not satisfied with you ... you're going to be restless unless you heal within.

 

all that said, the advice to look for counselling is good. I'll also go into my usual pitch for Marriage Encounter, which my husband and I did seven years into our marriage. The ME weekend helped us to communicate better, and while things didn't improve immediately, our way of thinking became more inclusive, that the marriage wasn't about me or him, but us. I can only imagine going into such a serious relationship and becoming a parent immediately doesn't give a man and a woman much time to discover themselves as a single entity, as a couple, and that's something you two need to find an identity as, not just as parents.

 

So aside my story...Do you think that finding someone really special that you can respect and adore is impossible to find? I'd like to think not

 

I think you tapped into the answer when you said "You can only move forward and hope that your partner moves forward too and does not stay back there for too long." You and your husband have a strong history as a family, but need to communicate as the two halves of one couple before seeing yourselves as mommy and daddy. I think that once you do this, when you focus on what you've built up with him, you're going to realize that he's what you're looking for simply because you've got that shared history and that he's irreplaceable. Thus making him the one who has your respect and devoted love (provided that yours is a relatively healthy relationship to begin with!).

[rble618740]

People who leave a relationship to find something that was "missing" usually assume all other things will remain the same. That assumption may be incorrect. Think carefully about all the things that are NOT missing in your current relationship, and what you will do when you don't find ALL of THOSE things + what's "missing" in another person.