I've been having an affair, sort of.

[kittykat]

For about two years now, I have been involved with a man I used to work with. We started out as friends, able to confide our problems to each other, and it just sort of went on from there. He's married with two children and so am I. He doesn't work with me anymore, so it's really hard for us to see each other, plus we live in small towns so that makes it even worse.

 

Anyway, he is very unhappy in his marriage, but he loves his children very much and is very involved in their lives. He will not leave his wife for fear that she will not let him see his kids. I am very unhappy in my marriage as well. My husband is verbally cruel to me and my kids. He is not involved with them much at all, and generally makes our lives miserable.

 

I have wanted to leave him for a few years now, but that's not as easy as it would seem. We both work and he spends all our money on toys for himself and there is never anything left for the kids or for me. My kids both have part time jobs so that they have money to buy clothes and entertainment, because there is no way I can afford to buy them clothes. I can barely afford groceries and the bills.

 

I feel my life is a huge waste, and if it weren't for the fact that I think I couldn't make it on my own financially, I would be gone.

 

I see in "Dan" everything I want in a man. He is kind and considerate and gentle and giving. But he has made it very clear he is going nowhere for a long while yet. I am totally at Dan's mercy. I can't call him because I never know where he is at any given time. I have to wait for him to call me at work, which doesn't happen very often. Maybe it's because he can't call any more than that, I don't know.

 

He always wants to have phone sex and I find phone sex frustrating and also a bit gross. I have told him I love him and have told him how I feel, but he never tells me anything in return.

 

I think I'm in a bad relationship here, but I love him so when he calls, I can't tell him no.

 

I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

[excelsior]

For about two years now, I have been involved with a man I used to work with. We started out as friends, able to confide our problems to each other, and it just sort of went on from there. He's married with two children and so am I. He doesn't work with me anymore, so it's really hard for us to see each other, plus we live in small towns so that makes it even worse. Anyway, he is very unhappy in his marriage, but he loves his children very much and is very involved in their lives. He will not leave his wife for fear that she will not let him see his kids. I am very unhappy in my marriage as well. My husband is verbally cruel to me and my kids. He is not involved with them much at all, and generally makes our lives miserable. I have wanted to leave him for a few years now, but that's not as easy as it would seem. We both work and he spends all our money on toys for himself and there is never anything left for the kids or for me. My kids both have part time jobs so that they have money to buy clothes and entertainment, because there is no way I can afford to buy them clothes. I can barely afford groceries and the bills. I feel my life is a huge waste, and if it weren't for the fact that I think I couldn't make it on my own financially, I would be gone. I see in "Dan" everything I want in a man. He is kind and considerate and gentle and giving. But he has made it very clear he is going nowhere for a long while yet. I am totally at Dan's mercy. I can't call him because I never know where he is at any given time. I have to wait for him to call me at work, which doesn't happen very often. Maybe it's because he can't call any more than that, I don't know. He always wants to have phone sex and I find phone sex frustrating and also a bit gross. I have told him I love him and have told him how I feel, but he never tells me anything in return.

 

I think I'm in a bad relationship here, but I love him so when he calls, I can't tell him no. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

Dear Kitty,

 

I really feel for you. I am not exactly sure what to do about your husbands lack of love and concern for you and your children, but I can tell you this- Going for "Dan" will solve nothing. Right now, you're feeling trapped, and emotionally vulnerable. Trapped by an unloving husband and a lack of finances. Unfortunately, pursuing Dan is only a temporary fix, and he will ultimately prove more frustrating than even your current situation. Right now, it sounds like he may have an attachment to you, but he refuses to verbalize it, and all that he really wants to do is use you for sexual gratification. Is what you want a man that cannot confess his feelings, and during your brief conversations only desires sex? I'm guessing that's probably not what you're after. I'm of the opinion that you should do your best to work it out with your husband. Whatever caused you two to marry, try to find that spark again. Try and talk him into a second honeymoon, or get him at a time when he has to listen, and verbalize all of your concerns. Try and think of the good of your family, not just your kids or yourself, but the family as a whole. I believe that any man over time can be won back, but you have to truly love him and want to win his heart back from his toys and selfishness. If you married him, there has to be something that you loved. Find it, draw it out, focus on it, and do your best to reinvigorate your current life...instead of going after Dan.

 

I hope I don't sound insensitive, my goal is definitely not to make you feel worse, only to help. These are just my thoughts, take them for what they're worth.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Excelsior

[femme fatale]

Dear Kitty,

 

I'm not so sure trying to work things out with your husband is necessarily the solution. Why not try and leave the marriage and live on your own for a while. Try to find yourself, then it will be clear if either Dan or your husband are "right" for you.

 

Dan sounds like a cowardly male. Always the same old story; why can men separate sex from love? I hate this about men!

 

Or do something else: Call a meeting with all the parties involved. YOur husband, Dan, and Dan's wife. Talk to his wife if this really bothers you. And don't stay just for the sake of childeren. Children are worse off if the parents are unhappy together.

 

Courage!

 

femme fatale from France

[Cyndi]

Dear KittyKat:

 

I can honestly say I know what you are going through. I wrote"My life is a mess" up above. Your story is almost identical to mine and I am also at my wits end. The difference with me though is that, my husband found out about my affair and immediately filed for divorce. I don't know where you are but in Georgia, Adultery is grounds for Divorce. I have one child with my husband of 10 almost 11 years and a house that I may lose. After my husband filed for Divorce, I almost felt releived at first. I thought ok, now I can be with the other man(he's not married) but then I realized that this other man is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is good-looking, sexy, charming, funny and incredibly smart but he is also a con-artist. I realized that I risked everything and gave up on my marriage and my secure stable home for a man that I could never trust. The Love is there but sometimes love just isn't enough. Don't misunderstand though, my husband is not perfect, he has a terrible flaw: he has abused our child as well as his child by a previous marriage who he has custody of and I just can't bare that anymore either but I feel that with counselling that problem could be corrected. I now want my husband back and he says he wants me but he is going through with the Divorce no matter what.

 

At this point I have no job, I lost the best job I ever had because of all this crap and now I am having a hard time finding another. I am struggling more than ever and my future as well as my kids is all up in the air. Don't let this happen to you! Listen to me: Do some soul searching. If you don't want to be with your husband then don't stay with him (You will make it one way or the other) but don't leave him, if your only reason for leaving him is another man. You will probably regret it, especially if the other man hasn't or won't make a committment to you. After being forced to be on my own and after a lot of soul searching I have come to realize: having a man is a luxury not a necessity. My point being: do what makes you happy and what ever you do, do it for yourself and nobody else. If you aren't happy, nobody who is close to you will be either.

 

I would like to keep in touch. I think maybe we could help each other alot.

 

Take care,