I have a crush on my lecturer...but then again, maybe not.....I'm confused.

[Cris]

I need major, major help. So I will just begin my story.

 

See, when I first met this lecturer whom I have a sort of crush on now( I shall name him Mr. A), he didn't create a very good impression on me. Mostly because I felt that he was boring and long-winded. He taught me the module I hated the most and on top of that, he had a weird accent and I didn't like his teaching style. But time passed and soon I got used to his accent. His teaching style was still not that great but he made the effort to make classes more interesting and fun with his funny antics. From there, I started to like him abit more everyday. I knew he had the potential for me to like him even more as a teacher. All that was needed was a small spark to light the fire.

 

On September 1, 2005, I had a project deadline but because something went wrong, I could only hand it in the next day. Together with a friend of mine, we made a phone call and asked him if we could hand it in the next day. But, unfortunately, the next day was a Saturday and he said he wouldn't be in school that day so he suggested that we handed in the project at his place. We were grateful to him because it would be quite convenient for us because we lived at around the same area as he does and moreover he didn't want us to travel all the way to sch just to hand the work in, which is quite far.

 

So, on that Saturday night, we went to hand in our work at his place. We were about to leave after handing it in when I realised I had left my wallet and mobile phone on the bus to his place. Mr. A took pity on me and brought me to a police station to make the police report. He even brought us to have dinner when he found out that we had not taken dinner. Without him, I wouldn't know what to do, I mean about my lost items. And it is because of this that sparked EVERYTHING. All I wanted was a small spark, instead I got a big one, one that burnt me badly. And now it's irreversible.

 

I was so ever thankful to him. I e-mailed a thank you note to him and he replied back, saying that I shouldn't mention it. But after I sent the first note and read his reply, I realised that I had used inappropriate words in the e-mail as he was, after all, a lecturer. So, i sent back another e-mail, apologising for my mistake. I was practically going crazy when I waited for his reply to my 2nd e-mail. I was afraid he might feel offended. But he didn't, in fact, this is one part of what he wrote:

 

"I do not like formal and always prefer casual in everything I do as I like freedom and openess. So do not think that because my title is a course manager and so I would prefer formality. On the contrary, I like natural, casual, equal, both in school or outside."

 

Yes, he is the course manager. For those of you who don't know, a course manager is like the "boss" of whichever course he is leading. Example, if you're studying engineering, he's the "principal" of that course. Which means, he holds quite a high position in school. And this makes it all the more amazing. He is this VERY humble, VERY friendly, VERY funny and VERY approachable guy but he is way up there! In fact, if you ask me, he's too good for his own good. He simply doesn't know how to draw the line when it comes to being good. He's one who suffers for the sake of others even when he has helped more than enough and tolerates all the bad stuff. He does things that you think no one will ever do for you, does it like it's the most natural thing in the world and with no complains. He is the kind who helps people not because he has to but because he wants to. On top of all of that, he shows so much care and concern for his students. Whatever decisions he makes, he decides after taking into considering of us, the students. And even after the decision is made, he would still go all out to know what the students think. Example, if he decides to add something into the curriculum, he will personally ask a student what she thinks of it. In fact he once said to my class:

 

"I feel frustrated if students don't give me the comments and support I need. If you don't like anything or feel that something needs to be get rid of or changed, you can tell me. If I can, anyone who knows me, I will, actually, change. If I can, I will change. If I cannot, I will not change. But I will keep on trying and do whatever it is and make it work."

 

So, anyway, coming back to the story. All I needed was a small spark but instead, I got more than I expected. I know this sounds more like admiration for him. But you see, ever since that incident happened, I have been observing and noticing things I never realised before. Example, I never realised that he's actually so charismatic and he has the nicest smile ever. He has such a benevolent smile, the kind that makes people want smile along with him and give people a reason to be happy. It just makes him seem so happy and bring comfort to people around him. He also has got this fatherly look and everytime he smiles, his laugh lines and wrinkles at the corners of his eyes will show and enhance his fatherly look. And these are just the few things I have observed. At first, I thought he was just my benefactor as he had helped when I most needed it. Then, I started to go grow even more fond of him and I started to see him as my father figure.(I lost my father when I was 8.)

 

But then, I realised that everytime I saw him talking to other students, even the males, I will feel a slight jealousy. And whenever I hear people talking behind his back, I would feel disturbed. Ever since that incident, I felt that the only thing I could give him was utmost respect. So, I don't like it when I hear my schoolmates addressing him by his name only. As in, they actually go:

 

"A, how do you do this?"

 

They don't show him the basic respect and manners. But the problem is, Mr. A doesn't mind because he said before that he prefers casual and equality. But I, personally, detest that. I can never imagine calling him just like that. He deserves all the respect he can get and there should be an extent no matter what he says.

 

And now that the module he taught last semester is over, he doesn't teach me anymore and I don't see him that often anymore. But even though I mentioned that I don't like his teaching style, I find myself missing his classes. Every single day, I pray that I would at least see him walk pass my class and whenever he does, I feel unbelievably happy. Now, I even try to find every opportunity to talk to him, regardless whether it's school-related or personal stuff.

 

I have even dreamt of him twice recently and to date, I have written 4 very long poems about him. He had read the first one but the other 3 are simply too inappropriate to show him.

 

Anyway, I feel that I'm feeling more and more obsessed about him. Everything I do, even doing assignments, I would think of him. There were a few times where I though of sick-minded stuff. Once, I imagined kissing him and another, I imagined him naked, which I know it's damn sick-in-the-mind. But, somehow, these thoughts just popped into my mind.

 

He's married with a daughter. I don't know his age but I'm quite sure it's between 44-50. Which makes him at least 26 years older than me if he's 44.

I have never thought about affairs or anything like that simply because it's all one-sided and I believe he hasn't realised anything yet because when I talk to him, I am perfectly normal. I don't know why I don't have the kind of feeling you have everytime you see someone you like. Yet when I don't see him, I'm insanely obsessed. He would be on my mind 24/7. What's wrong with me?

 

Anyway, it's impossible to let him know about this in whatever way because I won't allow myself to get him into trouble. He's the "principal". If his reputation is destroyed, I will never forgive myself. I can't allow people to think of him as anything other than being the best lecturer ever. Not adding that if he gets fired, he will be devastated becuase he has to leave his beloved students, the students that he cares so much for. And it will all be my fault.

 

BUT first and foremost, who am I looking at him upon? My benefactor? My father-figure? My crush? Or simply just someone I respect the most? But if admiration and respect is all I have for him, why did I even have those sick thoughts? And how in the world did I go from not liking him much to falling head over heals for him, anyway?

 

Someone please help me...?

[Outcast]

I couldn't chew through your whole novel there. Everybody gets crushes. Yours is no different. It's all about 'infatuation' which is an obsessive attachment to someone you don't really know (and don't tell me you know him because until you live with someone a long time, you don't really know him).

 

Understand that it's just a crush, DO NOT act on it, and eventually it will pass.

[lindya]

I read the whole thing!

 

It sounds as if your admiring observation of this lecturer has tapped into a lot of issues for you. He sounds like a nice, unassuming guy who would probably be astonished if he knew the saintly qualities that you've attributed to him. Lecturers (and yes, deans of faculties too) often adopt an informal approach with students. For this course leader, being respectful, making students feel valued and inviting feedback about the course materials will be part of helping them to make the transition from adolescence to adulthood (college isn't all about learning theoretical things, after all).

 

If you don't mind me asking, what sort of help did you get when your father died? I think 8 is an age when little girls still idolise their dads, and I can imagine it must have been very tough on you. Did you ever get a chance to talk things through with anyone? Were there any other father figures around (eg grandfathers) when you were growing up?

[Cris]

lindya

 

Do lecturers or deans of faculties really adopt an informal approach with students? If the informal approach is the norm for these people, won't everything that he did or does now be fake? I mean, what if being nice and friendly and informal is something he feels he HAS to do and not his real personality? Like you said, the informal approach may just be a way of helping students make the transition from adolescence to adulthood. What if being informal is just something he thinks he should do as a pricipal/course leader and not because that is who he is since we'll never know? Wouldn't he be such a hypocrite then? Won't there be like two sides of him? And if he really does, what if he's an abusive father at home? I mean, there are cases where teachers or lecturers who murder people even though they act perfectly sane in school. Of course I can't imagine him doing such a thing but I can't judge a book by its cover, right?

 

Wouldn't that be scary? Yes, I know it is none of my business what he is like outside school. And yes, I know this is not something I can control either. Whether I find out how he's like outside, good or bad, it won't change anything. Moreover, the Mr. A that I like is the one in school not outside so I shouldn't be worrying too much about how he is outside school. But then again, what he is in school and what he is outside is somehow connected. There must be something which he has both in school and outside.

 

Anyway, can you imagine what would happen if I ever find out he's actually not the man I know and that he's actually this "ugly" guy? I would feel so disappointed and upset. I would feel sort of "cheated". Know what I mean? I'd be asking myself why did such a good man like him turned out like that.

 

 

And about my father, well, to begin with, I didn't really know my father that well at that time and I didn't get any sort of help except those counsellors who I think didn't help at all. I also didn't idolise my dad or I might have but I don't remember thinking that I have the best dad or anything. In fact, I didn't feel the lost of my father until I was older. Both my grandfathers died before I was born and I didn't have any other father figures maybe except for one who

was my mother's boyfriend for awhile. I don't think of him as a father-figure anymore, though, for obvious reasons.

 

Anyway, I think there was a point where I thought about Mr. A being a model father and felt that Mr. A was someone who I could talk to easily even though he's the principal/course leader(whichever way you want to call it.)He was, at that point, what I call a perfect father to have. Now, it's not that I have my doubts but I'm confused.

 

Because you don't usually have sick thoughts about your father-figure, right?

Which is why I have to know what he is to me first because I seriously haven't got a clue.