I have a crush on my lecturer...but then again, maybe not.....I'm confused.

[Cris]

I need major, major help. So I will just begin my story.

 

See, when I first met this lecturer whom I have a sort of crush on now( I shall name him Mr. A), he didn't create a very good impression on me. Mostly because I felt that he was boring and long-winded. He taught me the module I hated the most and on top of that, he had a weird accent and I didn't like his teaching style. But time passed and soon I got used to his accent. His teaching style was still not that great but he made the effort to make classes more interesting and fun with his funny antics. From there, I started to like him abit more everyday. I knew he had the potential for me to like him even more as a teacher. All that was needed was a small spark to light the fire.

 

On September 1, 2005, I had a project deadline but because something went wrong, I could only hand it in the next day. Together with a friend of mine, we made a phone call and asked him if we could hand it in the next day. But, unfortunately, the next day was a Saturday and he said he wouldn't be in school that day so he suggested that we handed in the project at his place. We were grateful to him because it would be quite convenient for us because we lived at around the same area as he does and moreover he didn't want us to travel all the way to sch just to hand the work in, which is quite far.

 

So, on that Saturday night, we went to hand in our work at his place. We were about to leave after handing it in when I realised I had left my wallet and mobile phone on the bus to his place. Mr. A took pity on me and brought me to a police station to make the police report. He even brought us to have dinner when he found out that we had not taken dinner. Without him, I wouldn't know what to do, I mean about my lost items. And it is because of this that sparked EVERYTHING. All I wanted was a small spark, instead I got a big one, one that burnt me badly. And now it's irreversible.

 

I was so ever thankful to him. I e-mailed a thank you note to him and he replied back, saying that I shouldn't mention it. But after I sent the first note and read his reply, I realised that I had used inappropriate words in the e-mail as he was, after all, a lecturer. So, i sent back another e-mail, apologising for my mistake. I was practically going crazy when I waited for his reply to my 2nd e-mail. I was afraid he might feel offended. But he didn't, in fact, this is one part of what he wrote:

 

"I do not like formal and always prefer casual in everything I do as I like freedom and openess. So do not think that because my title is a course manager and so I would prefer formality. On the contrary, I like natural, casual, equal, both in school or outside."

 

Yes, he is the course manager. For those of you who don't know, a course manager is like the "boss" of whichever course he is leading. Example, if you're studying engineering, he's the "principal" of that course. Which means, he holds quite a high position in school. And this makes it all the more amazing. He is this VERY humble, VERY friendly, VERY funny and VERY approachable guy but he is way up there! In fact, if you ask me, he's too good for his own good. He simply doesn't know how to draw the line when it comes to being good. He's one who suffers for the sake of others even when he has helped more than enough and tolerates all the bad stuff. He does things that you think no one will ever do for you, does it like it's the most natural thing in the world and with no complains. He is the kind who helps people not because he has to but because he wants to. On top of all of that, he shows so much care and concern for his students. Whatever decisions he makes, he decides after taking into considering of us, the students. And even after the decision is made, he would still go all out to know what the students think. Example, if he decides to add something into the curriculum, he will personally ask a student what she thinks of it. In fact he once said to my class:

 

"I feel frustrated if students don't give me the comments and support I need. If you don't like anything or feel that something needs to be get rid of or changed, you can tell me. If I can, anyone who knows me, I will, actually, change. If I can, I will change. If I cannot, I will not change. But I will keep on trying and do whatever it is and make it work."

 

So, anyway, coming back to the story. All I needed was a small spark but instead, I got more than I expected. I know this sounds more like admiration for him. But you see, ever since that incident happened, I have been observing and noticing things I never realised before. Example, I never realised that he's actually so charismatic and he has the nicest smile ever. He has such a benevolent smile, the kind that makes people want smile along with him and give people a reason to be happy. It just makes him seem so happy and bring comfort to people around him. He also has got this fatherly look and everytime he smiles, his laugh lines and wrinkles at the corners of his eyes will show and enhance his fatherly look. And these are just the few things I have observed. At first, I thought he was just my benefactor as he had helped when I most needed it. Then, I started to go grow even more fond of him and I started to see him as my father figure.(I lost my father when I was 8.)

 

But then, I realised that everytime I saw him talking to other students, even the males, I will feel a slight jealousy. And whenever I hear people talking behind his back, I would feel disturbed. Ever since that incident, I felt that the only thing I could give him was utmost respect. So, I don't like it when I hear my schoolmates addressing him by his name only. As in, they actually go:

 

"A, how do you do this?"

 

They don't show him the basic respect and manners. But the problem is, Mr. A doesn't mind because he said before that he prefers casual and equality. But I, personally, detest that. I can never imagine calling him just like that. He deserves all the respect he can get and there should be an extent no matter what he says.

 

And now that the module he taught last semester is over, he doesn't teach me anymore and I don't see him that often anymore. But even though I mentioned that I don't like his teaching style, I find myself missing his classes. Every single day, I pray that I would at least see him walk pass my class and whenever he does, I feel unbelievably happy. Now, I even try to find every opportunity to talk to him, regardless whether it's school-related or personal stuff.

 

I have even dreamt of him twice recently and to date, I have written 4 very long poems about him. He had read the first one but the other 3 are simply too inappropriate to show him.

 

Anyway, I feel that I'm feeling more and more obsessed about him. Everything I do, even doing assignments, I would think of him. There were a few times where I though of sick-minded stuff. Once, I imagined kissing him and another, I imagined him naked, which I know it's damn sick-in-the-mind. But, somehow, these thoughts just popped into my mind.

 

He's married with a daughter. I don't know his age but I'm quite sure it's between 44-50. Which makes him at least 26 years older than me if he's 44.

I have never thought about affairs or anything like that simply because it's all one-sided and I believe he hasn't realised anything yet because when I talk to him, I am perfectly normal. I don't know why I don't have the kind of feeling you have everytime you see someone you like. Yet when I don't see him, I'm insanely obsessed. He would be on my mind 24/7. What's wrong with me?

 

Anyway, it's impossible to let him know about this in whatever way because I won't allow myself to get him into trouble. He's the "principal". If his reputation is destroyed, I will never forgive myself. I can't allow people to think of him as anything other than being the best lecturer ever. Not adding that if he gets fired, he will be devastated becuase he has to leave his beloved students, the students that he cares so much for. And it will all be my fault.

 

BUT first and foremost, who am I looking at him upon? My benefactor? My father-figure? My crush? Or simply just someone I respect the most? But if admiration and respect is all I have for him, why did I even have those sick thoughts? And how in the world did I go from not liking him much to falling head over heals for him, anyway?

 

Someone please help me...?

[dgiirl]

You are infatuated. You are projecting qualities onto him that you are not even sure he possesses. You are thinking he's "perfect". You dont see any of his bad habits or annoyances. And you are coming up with scenarios on how you THINK he'd behave instead of what he's actually done. Infatuation!

 

Lots of people have experienced what you have, so I dont think it's abnormal, but you are simply infatuated with the idea of him, and not really him. You are kind of obsessed with him and you need to tone it down. It's good that you can spot this in yourself tho. You'll be able to have self control and not do anything. If he's married, he should be completely off limits to you. If he's your principle, he should be completely off limits to you. Focus on something or someone else.

[Cris]

dgiirl, what do you mean by infatuated by the idea of him, and not really him?

[dgiirl]

He is this VERY humble, VERY friendly, VERY funny and VERY approachable guy but he is way up there! In fact, if you ask me, he's too good for his own good. He simply doesn't know how to draw the line when it comes to being good. He's one who suffers for the sake of others even when he has helped more than enough and tolerates all the bad stuff. He does things that you think no one will ever do for you, does it like it's the most natural thing in the world and with no complains. He is the kind who helps people not because he has to but because he wants to.

 

I just realized you double posted. In your other post, Outcast said it nicely. You dont really know _all_ of him. You know little pieces and you've filled in the blanks to match your idea of him. The above quote shows all the positive saintly things you've placed onto him. But do you know if he farts or burps at the dinner table? Do you know if he has toe jam between his toes? Does he cut his toe nails or pick his noes? Does he ever tell anyone to F off? What are his negative traits? Besides a few classes and one night him helping you, you dont know what he does for fun outside of school. You dont know anything about him, yet you are infatuated with him. You are infatuated with the idea of him.

[Milo]

Cris, you can easily project these very same things onto boys closer to your own age, if you give it a try. And believe me, they will be all the more grateful.

 

Now leave the poor principal alone!

[Cris]

digiirl

 

Do you mean that what I'm crazy about isn't him but the image I created for him? I'm actually creating scenarios that might or might not be true? And all this because of what he did for me? So, in actual fact, I don't like him as a person but because of the gratitude I have for him, I made him turn out to be this "perfect" man so that I have a reason to like him?

 

But yes, you are right. I don't know much about him. I don't know how he's like outside of school. Maybe he's some crazy guy outside school. But if he really is, I have one question to ask. How can one be so different in school? How can one be so diiferent just because of different environments?

 

But again, what I really want to know, first of all, is who am I looking at him upon? My benefactor? My father-figure? My crush? Or simply just someone I respect the most?

 

More confused than ever.....

[Outcast]

Doesn't matter much what you're looking at him as. Girls get crushes on teachers all the time. I think it's sort of people trying out their emotional wings; 'practicing' love if you will.

 

Do you mean that what I'm crazy about isn't him but the image I created for him? I'm actually creating scenarios that might or might not be true? And all this because of what he did for me? So, in actual fact, I don't like him as a person but because of the gratitude I have for him, I made him turn out to be this "perfect" man so that I have a reason to like him?

 

That's exactly how crushes work. In fact, that's also often what people think when they think they have 'fallen in love'. Feels the same and has the same reasons behind it. You can't 'fall in love' with people you don't know well.

 

Enjoy the thrills of the crush but keep in mind that it's only a crush. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in fantasies of him leaving his wife for you or anything like that. Ride the highs because it's fun but know it's not real and will eventually end.

[dgiirl]

Girl, you are analyzing it way too much. Like outcast said, that's how crushes (infatuation) works. You just have a crush on a man you dont know, and he's already _unavailable_. So I dont think pursuing it is a wise decision. Does it matter WHY you have a crush on him? No. What difference does that make? You just have to focus all the attention you are giving HIM to other things/people.

[Bogun]

Is this your first year at university? Because from my own experiences at university the casual way he behaves is not unusual. Lecturers are more open than at high school and it is fairly normal to address them by their first names. What this guy did by inviting you to dinner and helping you out was not unusual either. Plenty of students will end up classing some of their lecturers as friends by the end of their course.

 

So as someone said, this is an infatuation. He's married, got kids, and if he got involved with you he'd lose his job.

 

But then again, you might get some easy marks after a quikkie in his office.

[Cris]

You know what? I just realised one very silly thing. After reading all the replies, I realised that who I like isn't Mr. A but a man I created in my mind. And what Mr. A did for me and his actions in school gave me a reason to use him as the perfect man in my mind. Because from what I read, I get the idea that most of Mr. A's qualities were imagined by me. That's what you mean by infatuated by the idea of him, right, dgiirl?

 

And if what bogun said is true, about lecturers being casual and open and that addressing them by their first names is the norm, then he is not really that special anymore especially if that is not his real personality as mentioned by someone, right?

[dgiirl]

Yes sweetie, that's exactly it. I'm sure he has some of those qualities, but not to the extreme you've put them onto him. I mean, everyone is nice and kind at times, and other times they're selfish. But at this stage, your constant thinking of him implies you are infatuated with the idea of who you think he is. It happens often. But you just need to get a grip on yourself and realize what it is. A few months ago, I had a major crush on a guy I've never met, lived thousands of miles away, and only talked to him over the phone for work. I was obsessed with him. But I realized what I was doing, and stopped investing all my time into some guy I'd never meet

[Mary3]

He sounds like an excellent Lecturer. It sounds like you miss your father and this man respresents to you the Perfect Role Model.

 

Remember who he is , what he does, that he's married and that you are his student . Nothing more. Dont destroy his career.

 

Keep your crush low and recognize it for what it is...A Crush.

 

Now move forward to try and put him in a real light as a human being with faults and your perceptions need to move forward to a more realistic zone.

[Cris]

I totally agree with what Mary3 said. I realised that I have been looking at him in a very unrealistic light. I mean, I know he's good, nice and all but no one is THAT perfect. I guess what he did for me kind of blinded me and blocked me from thinking straight. I still see him as my role model mainly because the Mr. A that I like is the one in school and I try not to think about how he is outside. Anyway, it doesn't really matter whether he is a different person outside since who he is outside doesn't affect who he is in school. Of course I would feel very, very disappointed in him but what can I do?

 

Also, I know that I should just leave it as it is now and wait for it to fade as most crushes do. I want it to go away as soon as possible. Sometimes I would tell myself that the only way to stop myself from feeling the way I do is to see Mr. A get angry. If he does scold in the future, I swear to you that I would definitely stop thinking about the crush and all. Why? Because he has never, ever scold anyone or raise his voice at anyone before- I mean, in school, that is. It is NOT easy to make him angry. So when he does, I won't see him as this perfect guy anymore. Make sense?

 

But, anyway, that doesn't matter right now when I have one freaking problem. Now that I know that his school personality might not be real, I feel weird. I mean, everytime I see the actions he does, listen to the way he talks or even see his ever-charming smile, I will get reminded of that possiblity and go, "Hmm...is this really him?" or "Is he doing this with his heart and for the students or is he doing it because he THINKS he has to?"

 

I know this is rather silly but I just can't help thinking. How I wish I wouldn't. It is unfair to him because all my questions are "What Ifs". What if he's actually like this....What if he's actually like that. He could really be THAT good and nice BOTH in and outside school. By asking myself these "what if" questions, I'm not being fair to him.

 

Sigh...if he hadn't helped me that night, I wouldn't have these silly problems. Yet, if he didn't, I wouldn't actually realise that he's a nice lecturer as, you know, I mentioned in my first post that I didn't like his teaching therefore he created a bad first impression.

[Cris]

I just heard that Mr. A's mother passed away. He hasn't been coming to school for the past few days. I want to do something like writing something to him or/and giving him something. I know what I want to write to him but I don't know if I should send him an e-mail or write a letter and giving it to him personally the next time he comes to school. Which is more appropriate?

 

Opinions will be appreciated.

[slubberdegullion]

He's undoubtedly bombarded with emails, so a respectful and sympathetic card, delivered personally, is probably best.