Backing Out BEFORE It's Too Late!!!

[Tony]

I am speaking here as myself, not as a Director of this site or a moderator.

 

It's always very painful to break up with someone we have loved. There is no question that the decision to do so usually takes some time, even if the relationship is seriously abusive. There is something about the human spirit that always feels things will get better.

 

There are always two sides to every relationship. No matter how intense the communication between two lovers, each will see the relationship differently and often be there for different reasons. When people are in love, they may view the love object as mature, honest, sincere, well mannered, well educated, etc. and these may be blown far beyond objectivity would normally allow. That's why people who act mature DURING a relationship can regress so severely during a breakup.

 

Two mature people will realize, despite intense feelings, that one of the parties to the relationship wants out for whatever reason. Yes, there are times when reconciliation is called for and possible. But common decency calls for making sure the process of breaking up is made as emotionally and physically easy for the other party as possible. Going from a loving, committed relationship one hour to World War III the next implies there never was real love between the two people. Real love, in my opinion, does not seek to hurt the other no matter what the circumstances are. When we are hurt, attacking is often our first choice of vengeance. Unfortunately, such is the best way to ensure reconciliation will never occur. Nobody wants to get back with somebody who is feverishly angry when the truth is expressed. Nobody wants to get back with somebody who so quickly switches from a loving mode to one of visiousness and debate.

 

In situations where cheating or other very hurtful circumstances exist, it's natural to be deeply wounded and even emotionally paralyzed. But nature has provided both for a purpose. The cheating occurred because there was no committment and the wrong two people were together. The hurt occurred because we sometimes have to go through a healing process of this magnitude to become substantially better, wiser and more loving people. Again, it is far better to discover this kind of betrayal before marriage (as you see on these LoveShack pages, adultery is quite prevalent in our times.)

 

Backing out of marriage, especially one that is minutes from happening, is not only painful but about as humiliating for both parties as anything can be. However, a day's embarrassment is not nearly as bad as a lifetime of regret or a nasty divorce.

 

I urge everyone to consider this: On your wedding day, if getting married to your beloved is not the most important thing you want to do on that day and you are not 100 percent delighted with the prospects of a life together (albeit there may be some normal nervousness associated with that day), DON'T GET MARRIED. Stand up before the crowd and invite them to a nice reception. Tell them to take their gifts back and get a refund. Don't do it.

 

It is simply insane to want to marry someone who is not there emotionally 100percent or who has doubts in any way.

 

Perhaps I am being overly romantic in my opinion, but I just don't think something as important as locking into a shared life should be taken lightly or done unless it is desired with all the heart and soul.

 

And while I'm on the subject, I really don't think marriage takes place in a church or in front of a minister, rabbi, notary, etc. Marriage is the joining of two people at a soul level. People who are truly married are together spiritually and, as some ceremonies state, "no man can put (that) assunder." Many people who have not yet been married in a ceremony are, indeed, married in a spiritual way and they know it. When it comes to getting to the alter, that's just an outward jesture to memorialize what has already happened when their hearts joined together sometime before.

 

If you really love somebody and they don't want to be with you...or don't want to marry you....set them free. Go find somebody who truly wants to be there. It doesn't matter how much you think you were mislead, how much you think they lied, how much you think you were deceived. By they're desire to get away, they are doing you one of the greatest favors you may ever receive.

 

I am sorry for the pain people must go through to learn these things.

[whichwayisup]

Great post Tony!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Excellent post.

 

Very well-thought and insightful, and completely becoming of a LoveShack Director!!

[Hot Coco]

Yes, I echo the others' sentiments. Excellent post. I just want to add that even when two people have the maturity and the greatest desire to spend their lives together, marriage can STILL be a challenge at times. But without that proper foundation it's nearly impossible to make it. The failure rate, which is already high, is even higher, if there's doubt on either side.

 

And a little tip for the women. And it IS usually women who are guilty of this. If you have to bring up marriage or have talks about commitment (or the lack thereof) or cajole or whine or nag about "setting a date." THE GUY ISN'T READY! You must accept that or move on.

 

BOTH parties have to want it equally. It's really not a good sign if one wants marriage more than the other. There's a marriage that's doomed in my opinion.

 

VERY good post, Tony. I believe it will give some people a lot to think about. You may have prevented a few failed marriages with that one!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Going from a loving, committed relationship one hour to World War III the next implies there never was real love between the two people.

 

Agreed. I often think this when posters vilify their ex.

 

It is simply insane to want to marry someone who is not there emotionally 100percent or who has doubts in any way.

 

I 90% agree. We all have little doubts though. And sometimes I think in our media-driven perfectionist culture we are guilty of setting the bar too high, not too low.

[NatoPMT]

I 90% agree. We all have little doubts though. And sometimes I think in our media-driven perfectionist culture we are guilty of setting the bar too high, not too low.

 

So how do we know which little doubts are acceptable and which could be red flags. And which ones do we need to communicate and which do you deal with yourself so you dont put responsibilities on your partner to resolve issues you should be dealing with yourself?

 

I love these posts, I often feel that i have never learned properly whats acceptable in relationships and this sort of post guides me well.

[JS17]

Agreed. I often think this when posters vilify their ex.

When posters vilify their exs it is after they have fallen out of love with them. That does not mean there never was real love between them or at least unrequited love.

[Hot Coco]

I agree JS but to me, it shows a lack of class. It speaks to the person's character as well. When I was dating, I always listened VERY carefully about how my date talked about any exes. It tells a LOT about the person. It really does...on so many levels.

 

As far as the question about what's normal nervousness and what's real doubt, that's an excellent question.

 

I was nervous both times I got married. The thing is that you have to pay attention to your thought processes. The first time I was nervous about whether I was really doing the right thing. We had a bad past history together. I asked myself whether we could REALLY do it. The second time I was just nervous about the actual ceremony and NOT the meaning and significance behind it.

 

Don't know if that helps. Just listen to WHAT it is that you're nervous about. Listen to your inner voice. Don't do it until you're SURE. With NO DOUBTS.

[ReluctantRomeo]

So how do we know which little doubts are acceptable and which could be red flags.

 

Hmmm. Good question. I guess there's no hard and fast answer. When you stop seeing the world in absolutes it's much richer, but makes it more difficult to provide simple certainties...

[Outcast]

So how do we know which little doubts are acceptable and which could be red flags

 

If there's any sense of dismay, it's not a 'little' doubt. I can't count the number of people who have told me that the day they were married they were convinced they were doing the wrong thing but went forward anyway. This does not constitute a 'little' doubt.

 

I think it's about the cumulative effect of the doubts. Are you joyful at the thought of spending your life with this person but have a few quibbles or are you actually unhappy or distressed about going ahead?

[JS17]

I agree JS but to me, it shows a lack of class. It speaks to the person's character as well. When I was dating, I always listened VERY carefully about how my date talked about any exes. It tells a LOT about the person. It really does...on so many levels.

First off, we're talking about posts on LS which is extremely different than going out and telling everyone you meet what you really think of your ex. This is the place to vilify and help get past a bad relationship, especially when it is justified.

 

That aside, I learned that if one can't admit to problems with their exs there's something wrong, moreso than with those that have admitted to problems with their exs. These are the people that I have found to be hiding the worst flaws...and I'm talking about friends of mine in addition to exs. If someone is walking around bashing everyone they've ever dated then I would agree, there is a problem. When people can admit they've had a bad apple in the bunch of good apples it shows me that they are an honest person. If I ever met anyone who had been in an abusive relationship and still praised their ex then I would run as fast as I could in the other direction.

[Boudicca]

In this internet world of love I'm starting to feel cynical and selfish...and maybe like after ALL these years I dont know what love is

[NatoPMT]

I think it's about the cumulative effect of the doubts. Are you joyful at the thought of spending your life with this person but have a few quibbles or are you actually unhappy or distressed about going ahead?

 

We arent at getting married stage - but i dont want to be with someone i wouldnt say yes to - I am deciding at the moment whether he is the one i would say yes too, or rather reevaluating. Does he make me feel joyful at the thought of being with him? The answer that is yes yes yes yes YES. Absolutely.

 

what stops me is the thought that things will change in the future and my own fear of failure, i dont know if i can always be the person he wants to be with. I dont know how i would cope with him being ill, him with me being ill, with infidelity, with having children etc. They are of my making, but have been triggered by comments he has made. Hes never been anything other than loyal, responsible and trustworthy, but that last leap of faith is just that, a leap of faith.

 

I know we arent ready yet because these are all things that i feel would scare him off if i broached.

[NYCmitch25]

What about marriages which start out with the best intentions and dissolve quickly due to new pressures? I can understand the "don't get married bit unless you are sure of it" but how are we ever sure of our feelings? The human condition is a weak and pathetic state most of the time; most of us blindly feel around for things living a more shadowy existence resembling what is described in Plato's cave. Many people seek relationships that meet their social languages formed form their own parental influences thus creating an unconscious bias if referred to in the context of conscious thought (i.e. picking the best mate to help rear children). Not only do you have to be mindful of your own feelings about "M"arriage, you should be mindful of your SO point of view in life as well. So just as marriage is an inevitable force so is divorce, even in spite of the Church's point of view.

 

People get married and things change, for "better or worse" is probably the most important piece of information you could receive on that fateful love drunk day. Most of us are unsuspecting to why we picked who we did and what consequences we are going to be facing and sometimes it doesn't work out esp. during the first year transition phase. Millions of people get married without love, it's what you make of it after that ring is put on is what really counts. You can choose to allow the permanence of your exclusivity to drop the "facade" of romance or work on it harder and make it grow. Many Westernized folks scoff at India's "old world" marriages as it seems to lack love or even a basic knowledge of one another. However, if you examine it more closely you will see the arrangements and "courting period" do not produce any less loving cultures and even has it's advantages as seemingly apparent when comparing it to the American divorce rate. Then again we aren't trying to archive seven lifetimes of the same marriage! Thus, We may not need Ganesh to help us though our marriages but instead a persistence and dropping the idealized views of love would be a good start.

[Outcast]

what stops me is the thought that things will change in the future

 

If you think about it, your future could change drastically tomorrow or it could not. You could get hit by a bus. There could be a natural disaster. You can't let the fear of imagined crises scare you off. What you do is resolve that no matter what happens, you'll get through it together.

 

it's what you make of it after that ring is put on is what really counts.

 

Mitch is 1000% right. If both of you are a good team, then that bodes well for a marriage. If you're both dedicated to weathering the storms, you'll weather the storms.

[NatoPMT]

If you're both dedicated to weathering the storms, you'll weather the storms.

 

i think thats the key, i dont know if we are as in 2 years, we've hardly had any storms to weather and without that experience, i can only say hes got the loyalty etc to indicate he could.

 

I read recently that there are several types of love, and the 2 types that statistically produce the fewest divorces are pragmatic love such as arranged marriages, and the 2nd sort being unselfish dedication on both sides.

[Outcast]

Read John Gottman's stuff. He's got some really interesting stuff to say about long-term marriages and the elements that go into them.

 

As for weathering storms, I suggest you either travel together or do a home improvement project together. They can be very illustrative experiences

[NatoPMT]

As for weathering storms, I suggest you either travel together or do a home improvement project together. They can be very illustrative experiences

 

Hmm, we have been travelling together in Thailand/Laos plus holidays to NYC, Amsterdam & we're going to Prague wk after next. He did the pointing on my house and helped me strip the 100 year old paint off the stairs in my house. Good grief what is my problem. We've not had any storms because we ARE a great team.

 

Thanks Outcast - will have a look at the author you suggested. There's plenty to be discussed still about what expectations we from each other, but its not to be forced and when hes ready, hes ready. Worth waiting for.

[Outcast]

Hmm, we have been travelling together in Thailand/Laos plus holidays to NYC, Amsterdam & we're going to Prague wk after next. He did the pointing on my house and helped me strip the 100 year old paint off the stairs in my house.

 

You have passed with flying colours, nut!

 

We've not had any storms because we ARE a great team.

 

BINGO!!!!!!

[NatoPMT]

I had a look on the Gottman site - I liked the hints, specifically 2 of them:

 

1) Set the standards early, if bad behaviour isnt accepted from the off, then the couple are more likely to be happier when they are more established.

 

2) The advice that women are more pliable in relationships and tend to bend to their partners wishes more naturally. If a man is flexible on occassion and willing to be influenced by her then they are more likely to have a partnership

 

Number one as above and the others i was aware of, but number 2 was news to me.