Rulz of NC

[Tricia]

Hi U Guys,

Most of U know my story.Here's a summary.He wants out,is moving out when finds a place to go.Loves me,knows he will miss me,but(always a but)"don't think we get along","we no longer mesh"Our lives are going in different directions.His going good,mine suckin.Can't promise me anything but that he will take care of me an the boys,if I continue to help him out when he needs it.Meaning,he can't won't tell me we are gonna work on our marriage an NOT see others,he can't say he won't,

 

Ok,with all that said,when he does finally move out.What are the Rulz of NC?I don't plan on calling him for anything an everything.I plan on any contact being thru his parents.If I need anything,I will call them and relay my message to them,in which they will relay back to him.Will out of sight,out of minfd come into play here.Will he not hear my complaining and I love U everyday an think he is better off an never come back to me.I want to do all the right things,I want my husband back.All the lights an whistles have gone off,I know my mistakes an I am going to do everything in my power to find myself again,how will he see or know, if we have no contact.

I Love this man with all I have,I have always believed we were a special couple.Very intense,both good an bad-we always have been.I can't help but to think he wants someone who makes good money,prettier than I an a better body,lets not forget younger.I just turned 40 an he is a very handsome 33.Women love him,they think he is gorgeous,esp.the young ones-I can't compete with them.

Help,I dunno if NC is best for us.I am desparate.I have to do the right thing from here on out.I want my family back,better an stronger than ever.

Thanx again,Blond

[JS17]

NC isn't for every ending relationship. This may be true especially in the case where children are involved. Perhaps you can keep your communications "all business" rather than invoke strict NC.

[slubberdegullion]

I can't compete with them.

It's not a competition. But even if it was, oh yes you can.

[dgiirl]

Tricia, I can sympathize with you greatly. I know you are desperate and willing to try and do anything just to have your husband back. I've been there. The only advice I can offer to you is, you cant be desperate and you need to get your self confidence back. Have you ever been around someone who was clingy? Who told you they loved you too soon? Who was too nice to you just so you would like them? It's a huge turn off. And that's similar to what's going on with you right now. The idea behind no contact is to prevent you from being clingy to your husband, to constantly tell him you love him and to constantly ask him how he's feeling. Right now, he's being selfish and he wants out of the relationship (maybe there's even another woman?). The more you try to persuade him to stay, the more he's going to resist you and leave. NC allows you to go through the feelings of desperation and pleading (which are perfectly normal, read the stages of grief to understand the feelings you will go through), but sheilds THEM from these actions. They dont see it, so they let their guard down. Once their gaurd is down, and they dont feel the need to fight you on this decision, they will start to think about the situation, and only then will they decide to come back or not. Also, if you keep a little bit of mystery, they might get interested in what you are doing, maybe even a little jealous. If he knows your every move, knows you've been crying at home, there's nothing to peak his interest. However, if when you DO see him, you act "as if" but are friendly, but not totally dependant on his move to be happy, he'll be curious on what's going on with you. That's the idea behind NC. It doesnt always work to get your spouses back, but it does save you self respect.

 

There's plenty of resources on the internet. Read marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com It might give you some insight on how to play this game.

 

And last but not least, you NEED to get your self esteem back. There will always be someone younger, prettier and skinnier than us, but that shouldnt let us feel bad about ourselves. If your husband is leaving you simply because of physical attributes, count yourself lucky he's gone! He aint worth it, and sooner or later the same thing's going to happen to him. You need to look yourself in the mirror, and focus on your beauty! Flirt with yourself and smile at yourself. Get a boost in confidence. When you go out, smile at people, anybody, old, young, men, women, you'll notice that people will smile back at you! And when you catch the eye of a good looking guy, just smile at him Smiling saved me. It was one of the major joys I got that helped boost my confidence.

[scobro]

I want my husband back.

 

There is going to come a time when you have to think if he really is in love with you he wouldn't be leaving or once he has moved out if he doesn't come back you need to accept it and move on.I know when my wife ended our marriage I would have eaten my left arm if thats what she wanted me to do in order for her to stay,as time went on (its been 4 months)i have come to realise that a)she has done it before to me and came back only to do it again this year b)if she truly loved me she would have never ended it and I wouldn't be typing this alone in my apartment right now.

You like me just have to have the attitude it's their loss and they will move on and we will move on and what is done is done and hopefully we find better circumstances in the future as far as relationships go.