new relationship overshadowed by past ones

[rune]

I have recently become involved with a new interest but she has two past lovers who will not accept that the past is past. One is the father of her daughter and the other feels like the children are his own (she also has a son who's father is not in the picture at all). The father of the daughter is around 24/7 (almost) and the other calls every day. Both are jealous of the other and should either find out that the mother and I are even remotely serious, I would be the prime candidate for a combination of efforts to remove me from the picture. The father of the daughter has met me, and while not happy with the prospect, has not offered offence of any kind. The other, has not met me and, I think has no knowledge that I exist. What do I do, where do I go?

 

Rune

[sparkle]

Whatever you do, just use protection. Otherwise, she may end up with 3 children by 3 different fathers, which is not the best situation to be in.

 

And the only way her ex's accept the fact that the past is the past is if SHE does something about it. It's not up to you. Maybe she has had trouble getting them out of her life herself, and can't accept it herself either.

 

This whole picture is more complicated though since there are children involved. I don't know about the whole custody situation and visitation rights, but if the father is allowed to spend time with the child, he has every right to do so. And because of that connection, he may never be TOTALLY out of the picture.

 

Discuss this problem with her and see what solutions and compromises you two can come up with. And if the problem is still not resolved, you may want to think about dating women that aren't in complicated situations with 2 children and 2 fathers like she is.

[marzipan75]

The only advice I can give you here is to take things very very slow. It sounds like you have been and I would advise you not change your course. First of all, you and she need to have a discussion (if you haven't already) about all this. I am not trying to make you paranoid here but have you talked to her about how she feels about the situation? She needs to be the instigator of all the revelations to them about your relationship,etc. Not you. It sounds like she may be a little confused herself, it's tough when you have constant reminders of the past around. Maybe she is moving on but not at the speed she needs to be. I'm sure she remains friends with her former mates for the sake of her children which is very smart but at the same time these two men seem to have formed an unnatural attachment to her through this situation and she may be partly to blame there. She needs to be the one to talk to them and put an end to the whole situation because if you do it, then you may be overstepping your bounds and risk not only her former mates resenting you but her as well. Talk to her first and get the whole story. See how she feels.

I have recently become involved with a new interest but she has two past lovers who will not accept that the past is past. One is the father of her daughter and the other feels like the children are his own (she also has a son who's father is not in the picture at all). The father of the daughter is around 24/7 (almost) and the other calls every day. Both are jealous of the other and should either find out that the mother and I are even remotely serious, I would be the prime candidate for a combination of efforts to remove me from the picture. The father of the daughter has met me, and while not happy with the prospect, has not offered offence of any kind. The other, has not met me and, I think has no knowledge that I exist. What do I do, where do I go? Rune

[Lauren]

Rune,

 

There may be another reason that these past two lovers are still involved with your new interest - perhaps she hasn't totally severed ties with them. They will always be involved with her (and you if you continue a relationship) because of the children. It is up to her as to the type of relationship her children and their respective father's have - i.e. involvement as fathers ONLY!! Not involved with her or her boyfriend/current interest.