so helpless and frustrated with women; what's a guy to do?

[lifeboy]

well....i am finally COMPLETELY 100 percent over my ex gf who dumped me like a year and ahalf ago. it's so great. i am ready to move on. by the way, i just turned 24 like 2 months ago.

 

over the past year...i have had this random online chat relationship with this girl i "met" on match.com. she is currently 26 and lives like 10 min away fro me. i never had met her in person; we just have chatted as friends over the past year or so....nothing really incredibly deep either; just friendly.

 

so anyway, 3 weeks ago, i randomly am going to go to a concert on a friday night. she is online thursday night (night before the show) and i have no one to go with so im just like "hey want to join me for this concert. it's this incredible guitarist". she's like "how could i say no?" so i give her my number and she calls me later that evening so we can discuss the plan for friday. that's the first i ever talked to her on phone lol. she has a sweet voice, great laugh, etc. it'll be fun i think.

 

so we meet up friday night and drive to the show. i buy her her ticket and some drinks there. we had a great time; she'd laugh and smile...blah blah blah...good eye contact. i out of the blue had a crush on this girl. so down to earth and fun. after teh show; i drop her off at her car but dont make a move because i just am a wuss and have no game lol. i dont know that she wanted to.

 

ok so maybe a few days later....wednesday, i randomly get tickets through work to a hockey game here in philly. so i email her from work and am like "hey want to come to a flyers game tonight? if so you'll hve to take the train into philly from the suburbs, since im already working here." she's fine with that. so later after work, i call her to say i'll meet her at train station in the city...well her train is delayed and she has no clue when it'll arrive. it's cold out and rainy. i feel terrible and she's like "what do you want me to do>?" so im like, well i guess you should jsut go home i dont want you to have to wait forever and not know when the train will arrive. she's lke "i will wait another 15 min and if it doesnt come i guess ill go home". so im like; cool. so 15 min rolls by and she calls and is like "guess where i am? im on the train". so im like YES! so long story short, we go to the flyers game and have a great time. she (admittedly isnt a big hockey fan, but still came down) had a great time, laughed, cheered, we had good eye contact and all. i paid for her beer and popcorn. just trying to show my interest. so at end of game we drive back in my car. it's cold and rainy out and she just puts her seat back and rests her eyes...like sign for me that she's not interested "like that". i got the vibe she was just all relaxed and not like nervous or whatever. so finally i get back to her house and just drop her off...give her a little pat on the shoulder....i felt like it would be so lame to make a move to kiss her - esepcially after she was just resting her eyes most of the ride and it would be so forced/ contrived. im SO BAD AT THIS!!

 

ok so whatever...i chat with her online th enext night and she asks what im doing for the weekend...i say im completely free, not much going on. she says she has a busy weekend, but it will be fun. she says that friday she is going out for dinner to celebrate her pregnant friend's bday; but they're going out at 5:30 and wont be out all night....so im like "oh ok well when you get out, how about you give me a call and we can get together." she rsponds "i think im actually going to lay low the rest of the night since i have a big weekend of drinking ahead of me." GREAT!!! so i mean obviously if she were interested, she wouldnt care about being tired....she'd be like "yeah cool i'll meet you after." SUCH A LOSS FOR ME. WHERE DID I GO WRONG???

 

so the weekend passes and i didnt talk to her. then like tuesday online i finally catch up with her and just have small talk....she asked how my weekend was and vice versa...she said she went to a wedding on sat night and had fun, but eventually left just because she needs her quiet time. sunday she hung out with friends. i told her what i did (among other things, actually ran into my ex downtown when i was biking around the city, but wasnt a big deal). so then she just eventually logs off since she wants to go read her book and sleep. says "have a good thanksgiving if i dont talk to you before" ok thanks you too! lol

 

so that brings me to this past friday: im like man i gotta call this girl and see her. so i call her friday and she didnt answer. so i left a message. she called me back three hrs later (she was at work) and we had a good little 10 min convo....small talk and all, but we agree to tentatively meet up today (sunday). she said that friday, she was going to go out drinking with her brother who is in town for the weekend. i said cool, i think im actually meeting up with a friend of mine to catch up over a few beers tonight too, so no big deal. and saturday night i had a HS reunion to go to. so we agreed that sunday maybe we'd do something.

 

FRIDAY NIGHT rolls around: i am out catching a few beers with my friend. lo and hehold, this girl shows up at the same bar with her brother and her friend (who's a girl). man that really sucks....SO AWKWARD....she's like "i had a feeling i might run into you here." welll on its face...that could be a good sign for me; but the night was AWKWARD. like i don tknow her bro or her friend, none of them know my friend....it's just so awkward. i felt so nervous and panicked; off my guard....i felt like i had to facilitate conversation and did a bad job. i wnated to just go leave, but felt like i had to stay and talk because i had to show my interest in this girl that i've taken out 2 times now. well i cant really flirt with her in front of her older bro (whom i have just met). long story short, the night waws a HUGE LOSS for me....i got the sense that this girl just wasnt really into me: not great eye contact, wasnt really looking my way, wasnt laughing at me, blah blah blah. i mean the only good thing is a lot of people at the bar knew me and just would come up and say "what's up man?" and so forth..so at least i looked like im an ok guy who people like. but i dont think it mattered that much to her....at the end of the ngiht i just gave her a hug and was like "happy thanksgiving" and she' s like "you too." and they left. I LOSE!!!!

 

so saturday goes by and nothing happens. i originally would have called her saturday to set up plans for sunday, but after feeling like friday night was so weak, i just opted not to. anyway, i just now called her (sunday). she answered the phone and we had some small talk about a 9 mile run she did this morning, talked very breifly about my HS reunion, and i alluded to how it was "random" that we all ran into one anotehr friday night. then I was like "hey im headed into town to read the paper and catch some coffee, do you want to join me?" . she was OBVIOUSLY reluctant and was like "well im actually in my bed reading a book like i always do. i think im gonig to stay in; but if i change my mind, you'll be the first to know." so im like...ok sounds good, talk to you ltaer.

 

so that's where i stand. I AM SO FRUSTRATED> like i feel like i shoudl give up. what do you all think? should i lay it on the line and be like "hey i dig you in case you didnt notice. am i just wasting my time pursuing you?". or should i just stop talking to her at all. man i just dont really fall for many girls (i guess im picky) and the ones that i do fall for, i end up failing miserably. i just want to sometimes fall off the face of the earth. should i email her and jsut state my feelings. please give some advice. thanks for putting up with this rant.

 

oh final points...i mean this girl is on match dot com. she lives at home with her parents; she is low key....likes to relax and read her books...isnt ordinarily a huge partier...in my eyes is really attractive, but i think to other guys is just "decent" looking....nothing amazing or wahtever...but def not ugly lol. she's just low key; i dont know if her answers to me are her "low keyness" coming out...is she just passive or is she trying to telll me "i dont want you"

[Brittanyjean06]

she seems like one of those girls that likes personal time!, there is no biggie about that..and some people dont show alot of interest till later!, do your own thing...and see if she contacts you...dont seem too pushy unless she will get annoyed!

 

and your friday night, thats normal to get nervous and panick...you didnt need to try hard at all( not saying you did)...because that was your night who cares if it was awkward!, things that start out bad can usually end in good.

 

keep your options open for other girls to, shes just one of those girls who wont let a guy control her life( not saying you are eaither)...witch is probaly a really big attraction to you..dont take anything personal and just wait a little bit, the tables might turn to where she wants to be with you all the time!.. do your own thing and dont bug her, that might just be who she is --

[Neptune]

You probably didn`t do too well the first couple of times getting together. I am guessing that you came across a little too distant and shy.

 

She really seems to have made a good effort though. but, it does seem she has lost interest.

 

There is one lesson to be learned and that is to simplify dates as much as possible. And plan your game well. Think the details through.

[Outcast]

Don't give up yet.

 

so i mean obviously if she were interested, she wouldnt care about being tired...

 

No, that's not 'obvious' at all. I know a lot of people who BADLY need rest and will give up everything else for it. I'm the opposite but I'm almost the only person I know who'd rather go out than rest.

 

but, it does seem she has lost interest.

 

I totally disagree.

 

Don't take her desires to rest or have personal time as rejection of you. It's just the kind of person she is - and ya know it takes all kinds to make a world.

 

As for Friday, she may have been too embarrassed to flirt with you or show too much interest in front of her brother and friend - sometimes family and friends interfere way too much. So you should not have let that daunt you either. Quit being such a quitter!!!!

[Bogun]

I wouldnt give up yet lifeboy. Yes you are slipping into the "just friends" area, but you can still do something about it. She obviously was interested in you, and after you failed to show any clear signs that you were attracted to her, she might have just assumed you werent interest in her, or even that you're gay. Have you made any comments about what she wears? Or about her eyes? Thats always an easy one to use. Or tell her her hair looks nice or something like that. Next time you have her to yourself, SAY something about her appearance, make her aware that you are attracted to her. DO NOT send an email declaring that you cream your pants over her. It will make you look like a wimp. After you have said something about her appearance, you can even say to her that you have a crush on her and you fancy her. The longer you wait the harder it will be to get out of being just a friend.

[lifeboy]

well i hear where you are all coming from....i GREATLY appreciate any and all insight/ advice.

 

i guess i just cant help but feel rejected...maybe im just deluding myself. i mean the plus side is she DID answer the phone tonight (she easily could have just let her voicemail pick up and deal with it that way). i dont know...i dont like giving myself false sense of hope. bottom line is she was averse to going out with me tonight.

 

so here's the deal....i pretty much know that she isnt one to EVER initiate calls to me (she only returns my calls). so i realize the ball's in her court...but i just have this bad feeling that she is going to do nothing. i mean do i just wait till i see her online. i feel just kind of rejected and i dont want to be "that guy" that keeps calling her and doesnt know when to just give up and leave her alone. i just cant tell if she's subtely trying to let me know she doesnt want me lol.

 

so do i call her? do i just wait and hope? and i agree; i need to compliment her looks...i love her hair and i love her eyes. i just havent ever told her. these are the areas where im a fool: knowing how to compliment a girl appropriately. out of the blue? or some sort of transition from a topic?

 

ironically; i asked my ex gf for advice...and she's like "you're too nice....girls dont like the nice guys because they'rejust attainable; make her call you"

i just cant help being an alright dude.....man!

 

sorry for the disjointed nature of this message. i'm just trying to figure out my next "move" so to speak.

[daphne]

Life,

 

In my opinion you have done a good job reading her. She's losing interest. However, I wouldn't beat myself up for not knowing how to be calm and flirty when it's clear you don't have a whole lot of experience. This is your experience. Practice. Next time you get in a situation like that with the brother, take the pressure off. Treat her like she's another friend. Don't make her such a big thing that you choke. Just like in sports. You have to stop caring so much about the result and just play your game. Be friendly but don't show all of your cards.

 

I think this is where push/pull comes into effect. You pushed too hard while she was pulling away. It's going to take a while for her to snap back, if she ever does. you are going to have to back off and move forward with your life. You can still chat with her online if you like, VERY CASUALLY. Don't ask her to do anything right now. I would keep any contact to a minimal and not call her. The ball is in her court. If she never initiates anything, it's because she would never have been receptive to a relationship anyway. You calling her repeatedly when she's already shown lack of interest wouldn't change a thing except it would really annoy her and blow the small percent of her coming around.

 

Like your ex said, you need to stop being the proverbial nice guy that's always available/attainable. This doesn't work for men or women. Most people (99.9999999999%) want a challenge or what they can't have. Make it easy for them. Be a little aloof, but friendly. I know that sounds counter intuitive but it's not. You can show interest and friendliness, you just can't show them that you're convinced you want to be with them. You already had it in your head on date 1 that you had a crush on her. I'm sure she could sense it. You have to bump up your worth by being more of a challenge. Not major game playing though. It can be done.

 

Good luck.

[fundamental]

you should of kissed her or attempted to kiss her in that first or second date. if she backed off, then you'd already have your answer. she could be losing interest....OR....she could be trying to play it very cool and not let you know how she feels. back off for a while and see how things go.... plus...go meet some other intersting women.

[Mary3]

Hey don't beat yourself up about this . You know why ? Because there are TONS of girls out there and because you have become so focused on this one particular girl and feel somewhat awkward moving to the next base , that tells me you need to circulate more.

 

Be more available to dating other girls , making friends with them and in that mix you will find those more than interested in being your * friend * that dreaded zone where you don't get to move forward.

 

You did everything right despite your lack of confidence that you proceeded normally.

 

You can throw the ball but she has to catch it. If it hits the ground then shake yourself off and realize there are MANY girls on our planet and you are just as good as any other male competing for the right girl.

 

Give yourself more credit.

 

Sometimes the one we are interested in , isnt necessarily interested in us. Not saying she isn't but you need to MOVE on this one. Give her some flowers and tell her you love her eyes.

 

Dont say anything. See her reaction. If she rolls her eyes...well uh oh....But if she smiles you know you did the right thing.

 

Don't give up on yourself ! Just keep moving on