There Are Simply No Guarantees...In Relationships

[In Sync]

Hmmm, I've read some really great and interesting posts tonight, particulary one by centered. Each of us have gone through a different stage of coping from the loss of love. But I see there really is no guarantee in any relationship. Be it a ten year relationship or two year or 6 months. There's no guarantee that the person who loves you today will love you the way you want tomorrow..the only thing we can do is learn about ourselves and know what is acceptable to us. In all my anxiety in that relationship with my ex, I was trying to control the outcome, instead of looking at what was right or wrong for me. I had the belief that if I poured enough love or denied myself I would and should have been guaranteed his love in return. Somewhat foolish thinking but I do believe that thought was what was driving me.

[JohnJohn]

I was trying to control the outcome, instead of looking at what was right or wrong for me. I had the belief that if I poured enough love or denied myself I would and should have been guaranteed his love in return. Somewhat foolish thinking but I do believe that thought was what was driving me.

 

Nah it isn't that foolish. We have all done that at one time or another. It's easy to see clearly now in retrospect. You were doing the best you could at that point and time. Your intentions were good and for the love of the relationship. Unfortunately you ran into someone that couldn't appreciate it.

[scobro]

It's scary isn't it?If you are someone who doesn't bounce around from person to person every year then the thought of a relationship ending can be overwhelming.I guess the one thing to remember is each relationship will be different from your last hearbreak so hopefully patterns don't repeat.The one thing I learned is to pay closer attention to your potential partners previous relationship patterns and their childhood upbrining both these can play a huge roll in the outcome.

If you are someone who has had a few long term relationships and you meet someone who has had a relationship with someone new every year since grade 9 chances are it will not work out the way you planned.

[alphamale]

But I see there really is no guarantee in any relationship.

actually IN_SYNC....there is no guarantee in anything in life.

[In Sync]

...The one thing I learned is to pay closer attention to your potential partners previous relationship patterns and their childhood upbrining both these can play a huge roll in the outcome.

If you are someone who has had a few long term relationships and you meet someone who has had a relationship with someone new every year since grade 9 chances are it will not work out the way you planned.

 

 

Absolutely!...background is significant. Boy I missed the boat on that one, even though the signals were there...That guy I was with, I remembered thinking it seems like his parents gave him alot, 28 years old and never had a job, they took care of him paid for all his living expenses. But I had a feeling that they weren't affectionate..you know what I mean. I could never comprehend his lack of empathy for those who were less fortunate than he...some of his comments were really mean. AND his relationships in the past reveal (on hindsight a similiar streak of unkindness on his part) In his prior intimate relationship someone fell for him and without warning he never called her to tell her why. Just cut her off. No explanation. I even said to him why won't you explain to her that you don't see the reltionship working out. His reaction "Nah..F*** it." I was foolish enough to think him he'd be different with me if I treated him nicer and lovingly. I was banking on him seeing the value of that. Yep indeed, those background details are signals that people have issues and they will work them out through the relationships you end of having with them at your expense.

[chocolate_boy]

Absolutely!...background is significant. Boy I missed the boat on that one, even though the signals were there...That guy I was with, I remembered thinking it seems like his parents gave him alot, 28 years old and never had a job, they took care of him paid for all his living expenses. But I had a feeling that they weren't affectionate..you know what I mean. I could never comprehend his lack of empathy for those who were less fortunate than he...some of his comments were really mean. AND his relationships in the past reveal (on hindsight a similiar streak of unkindness on his part) In his prior intimate relationship someone fell for him and without warning he never called her to tell her why. Just cut her off. No explanation. I even said to him why won't you explain to her that you don't see the reltionship working out. His reaction "Nah..F*** it." I was foolish enough to think him he'd be different with me if I treated him nicer and lovingly. I was banking on him seeing the value of that. Yep indeed, those background details are signals that people have issues and they will work them out through the relationships you end of having with them at your expense.

 

God yeah, my ex was in a 10 month relationship before me with a guy who worshipped her, they had plans to get married, named their kids etc. she was his first love... and she cheated on him then dumped him, and he still wanted her back, and used to email her and send her 11 page sms begging her back... she got with me 1 month after they split and all throughout our relationship he begged her back, at first she felt "guilty" cos she had hurt him, after 6 months she was getting pissed with him, but she'd show the emails to me and to her work-mates while everyone laughed at them.

 

She has never been single for more than a week in her life, we split in Sept and she's been with two guys since, but is now on her own.

 

Always check the past, cos that ex they're taking the p*ss out of will be you soon enough.

 

Odd though I once suggested splitting in August when she was being rude to me and she broke down into tears and starting hugging me apologising, next month she dumped me over a small argument and has never looked back (just ignored me coldly).

[AltplanB]

I figured out that my girlfriend needs people but is not willing to give to those in need. When she needed me, i helped her through lots of problems (bulimia, her fathers passing, work depression..) and then when it came to my problem of being not motivated about anything except her, she dropped me and never looked back. It was like once her problems were solved in her head, and she didn't need me anymore, she dropped me and didn't look back. Now shes pulling the "im young and lookin for lots of boys" role. And this sucks because we go to different colleges and she is hot and living next too all my friends on the rowing team at CAL. I guess i had no chance. Funny thing is, if we had decided to keep living together, and had transferred to the same school, we would still be together. Bitch ****in lied about her love for me. You can't fall outta love in a semi LDR over 2 months. its gotta take more time.

[trickynj99]

Firstoff- Hey JohnJohn..nice avatar i hope you always Play it off legit!!!

 

anyway..i wanted to comment on stuff in these posts..

not just the past but the family has to be part of it too..

 

my wife has a f(&*#$ed up, narcissist mom and now that we are in trouble in our marriage, there is no real other side to our problem as i try to work on my issues and our issues and how we got to this point...no matter what i do,

she just wants to get space, and has no commitment or responsibility for her own happiness and mental well-being..its all my fault or all somebody elses fault...she thinks she has spent her whole life Pleasing people when all she has done is kissed her mom's a@@ and has never gotten the unconditional love she wants from her..

 

as we've struggled through 2005, i have put up with so much crap in trying to keep things together and all i've gotten is punishment, and a wife who doesnt respect me..the thing is, it was all there... i knew from the get-go that my mom in law was gonna be a problem and now its coming home to roost, just not in the way i thought...my wife can't describe her needs or desires, she's just a bundle of insecurities and surrounds herself with a wall of percieved slights from just about everybody she knows..we can't talk about things because every time we do, she feels attacked and criticised in some way

 

i just keep looking at it that i should have known..

 

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

With my ex, from the way he portrayed himself, he was the good guy that was always getting dumped by the girls. I am the first person he has ever dumped in his life and he has admitted that to me, and other people have told me that too. I feel like a cad because of that. He said that the women always got tired of him, sick of him, etc and went on to someone else or went back to their exes. When I first started to date him, I found him a bit eccentric and very much like a teenager, acting like one, liking teenage things. I found that kind of interesting since I have never met someone like that. His living at home kind of bothered me but I got along well with his parents. He was the one who felt everybody was against him, the world, his parents, his work, friends, and even his SO's. When I first started dating him, I felt sorry for him and wanted to make everything better for him and make his life better for him. I did everything I could, I took him on trips, took him out to eat, treated him VERY well, listened to him, was there for him, etc. Things were great for awhile, then he lost his feelings for me and took a break from me for a week.

 

That scared me a lot but he came back and I tried doubly hard to make things right, but as time went on, I realized that he created a lot of his own problems and caused a lot of them himself. He deliberately did things that would attract negative attention or the ire of his mom, boss or other people. At first I found that interesting, but after awhile, it started to bug me.

 

My ex pretty much likes to blame the world for making him the way he is.

[Neptune]

quote scobro

The one thing I learned is to pay closer attention to your potential partners previous relationship patterns and their childhood upbrining both these can play a huge roll in the outcome

 

No truer words were ever spoken:(

[reader]

No guarantees is right...

 

Sobro! You sound so much better. I'm proud of you.

 

So, did we ever figure out why these people suck the life out of you and leave you dry? I still don't get it. Any words about that?

[reader]

I mean't Scobro. Tired...

[In Sync]

... So, did we ever figure out why these people suck the life out of you and leave you dry? I still don't get it. Any words about that?

 

That's the easiest one to figure out...because it's really rather scientific, but true in relationships. Negative energy draws on positive. If in a relationship both parties are negative to begin with, well not much is going to come out of it (positive feelings loving towards each other,etc) If one party is positive and the other is negative, the energy of the positive is being drained endlessly by the negative. Have you ever notice when you are around negative people or someone in a bad mood, you feel deflated bummed out, depressed. My ex was negative, and I thought by giving more love, by ignoring his negative my positiveneess would win...NOPE, it was only my positive energy seeping out, my self-esteem depleted and I was frustrated and constantly anxious. He was on the other hand feeding on the positive energy I had in the early stage and what little I had as it kept trying to be positive, as long as I was there I was perfect to vent, or take out his aggressions on. By the time he ended things, my positive energy was very low. I was emotionally drained. Of course from him there could not be any positive energy to give (I mean he was positive in the early stages but by his own nature it was temporary...he became increasingly negative in his comments actions, basic demeanour. that was who he was. I saw it but chose to ignore the red flags.) And it explains why they go off to find new sources of positive energy, because they've depleted us.

[malachai]

just another post to restate what scobro and others have posted, that the ex's past plays a huge part.

 

my ex-gf was in a 4-year relationship that was really bad, only 3 months prior to getting involved with me. and a one year marriage of convienence before that. and a family upbringing that was sketchy at best. she has always been in relationships since she was a girl. yeah, i had all the signs when i started, but i still wouldn't do anything different, this relationship gave me a much needed boost of self esteem. and i like to think that i was the only one who really treated her good. i can have that at least, can't I??

 

it just makes me sad when i read "there are no guarantees in relationships", even though i know that. i hate the feeling of knowing that even if i find another relationship that works (which is looking pretty dismal to begin with), i still am facing some pretty stiff odds at having it last.

[In Sync]

but i still wouldn't do anything different[/i], this relationship gave me a much needed boost of self esteem. and i like to think that i was the only one who really treated her good. i can have that at least, can't I??

 

Sure dude you can have that, but I don't buy that line about you wouldn't do anything different if you knew from the get go what you know now. I can't imagine after all this analyzing and examining your breakup here you would take all that new self awareness and say hey let me repeat my behavior in that relationship again. I think self awareness is like opening PANDORA'S BOX.

You can't close the lid again...we were all operating out of love's blindness.

No matter how that person made you feel. You would not put yourself in the line of open fire no matter how hot that person, or what you perceive that person gave you, once you are fully aware. Your self esteem was in you, and it was within YOU to brought it out. Also by saying she gave you this much need self esteem..you are giving her an awful lot of power over your being. And if she decided to take it away you are now without your self esteem..?

 

Sure she made you feel good, but all our bf/gf did at. And vice versa. Yet despite how well we treated them it was not a sure fire thing...and accepting this is part of letting go.

[slubberdegullion]

Certainly there are no guarantees in any aspect of life, including romance. But you can stack the cards in your favour if you know how to play them.

• No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to change anyone unless they want to change themselves;
  
• There are always skeletons in the closet, but you're not likely to see the first bony finger until you are well established in a relationship with that person;
  
• Honesty, trust and respect is the mantra of the self-help aisle, but unfortunately no one is 100% honest, 100% trustworthy and 100% respectful. We're all flawed (well, except my mother... she's perfect, and she'll be the first to tell you);
  
• Self-awareness is positive, but it can too easily degenerate into self-absorption. Balancing the needs of yourself with the fact that we are social animals and live/work with others is sometimes a tightrope;
  
• Self-esteem also must be balanced with one's personal securities and the securities of those around us. Few things are more irksome than an inflated ego;
  
• Love is not the be-all and end-all of our existence, despite what Oprah may think; and, lastly,
  
• You're unique, just like everybody else.

</rant>