His female friend is coming between us

[jane23467]

Can someone please help me either deal with this situation once and for all or find a solution to end it? We've been married for 16 years, got two lovely kids, and on the whole are very happy, very well matched and have no big life worries, but 5 years ago my husband made friends with a woman at work and it split us up. At first they were just social in a gang, then they started doing things together, and to cut a long story short he completely blanked me out (apart from sex) and did everything social and fun with her. It drove me mad, he kept promising he'd do more with me and the kids then he'd go back on it, upset me, say sorry, back to square one. He didn't want to know any of us at all, it was all her her her. I talked to her, it was very hard but I did it, and she said I'd accused her of having an affair. I didn't, but I did say that it FELT like an affair because of the way he acted, and that I was jealous and hurt. I really opened up to her, and she called me a hard bitch, said I shouldn't say who he could be friends with, said she felt dead sorry for him, and other horrible things. This was the breaking point (had gone on for 2 years by now) and we split up because I was so upset and he didn't defend me. Anybody else upset me and he would but not her. We were on a tight budget but he still spent loads of money doing things with her but didn't even get me a Christmas present from the kids, which upset the kids.

 

Anyway, we got back together and worked it out and he stopped seeing her, but he would never tell me what he had said to her about it all. A year ago she got back in touch and because I felt he'd understood how I felt we started seeing her again, but she carried on with the bitchy comments. He still never defended me. We've now moved away to another city because of his job but he's still in touch with her and it's breaking me. We've talked, and he thinks that because he constantly tells me he'd give her up if I asked him to that I should be able to deal with it even though every time I know he's on the phone to her I end up feeling like crap and stupid and in floods of tears.

 

I need to move on but I can't. I don't want to stop him doing something but this is hurting me so much. He admits to having feelings for her as a friend, but promises me it's not sexual and never has been and I believe him on that. But his lack of loyalty and his weakness to take control is killing me. Since we moved I have tried so hard to resign myself to this friendship but I just can't, even typing this is breaking me up.

 

What do I do? Even if I make the decision for him I will always feel I have taken something off him but I feel that he's taking something off me by still being in touch with her. A lot happened that there isn't space to type her but suffice to say that not one person I know can understand why he's in touch with her because of the hurtful things she did and his actions in the past where she's concerned.

 

Please, has anyone ever been in this situation? What do you do?

[westernxer]

There's more going on than he's willing to confess.

 

He's got a big guilty sign written all over him.

[jane23467]

Thanks for the response. I agree that he feels more for her than he lets on, that's something I've had to come to terms with, and I know that if it wasn't for me and our kids, and for her husband (who's a waste of space) that they'd be together. I've faced up to that, and I'm not one of these women who can't accept that their bloke could fancy another woman, jaysus I've fancied enough colleagues in my time. So strangely, I don't resent that. I do resent the fun they have together and the fact that he sees me hurt but doesn't cut his losses. More than anything I resent that he let her get away with all the nastiness and still remains her friend, but unless I demand he stop again, which makes me the big bad bitch she says I am, he won't.

 

Do I demand it and live with my decision - this won't take the jealousy away will it because I know he would still be in touch with her but for me. Or do I tell him to stop and be damned? Will he hold it against me for the rest of our lives?

[westernxer]

You have every right to be a bitch when another woman comes between you and your husband, but he should respect your relationship enough to not even let this happen.

 

You need to put your foot down, hire a private investigator, or see if he left any clues behind, such as leaving his e-mail open without signing off.

 

Or you can just tell him it's over, and collect child support/alimony.

 

If there are other problems in your marriage, you might want to address those as well and seek counseling if needed.

[jane23467]

You are so right, I do have every right to be a bitch, but herein the problem lies. Because for so long I felt she was funnier, cleverer, smarter and everything else-er than me, and I was just the one who looked after the kids and acted as a sperm bank, having the confidence now to be the bitch is so hard, because it just emphasises the bitch he thinks she isn't! Does that make sense?

 

For that time it was a 3 against 1 situation - I was the nag who demanded him home at a certain time to do things with the kids (even be at their birthday parties! What a cow!), and she was just his mate. Her husband said I had problems (!!), she turned on me, and he just turned away. So, for so long I've felt at a disadvantage to the point that I no longer have confidence in my reasons for splitting them up.

 

I am 99.9% sure that nothing happened between them, and in all honesty, if it had, I couldn't have hurt more, so I don't feel the need to know. His weakness in this one area is what hurts, not whether or not he kept his trousers up.