Coffee with a new guy?

[marzipan75]

This is so hard. It's been three weeks today that he left me for another girl. A one night stand turned into the beginning of a new relationship for him and the end of our for me. So what's a girl to do? I'm doing good. Really good I think. I just wish I weren't so sad sometimes. I've followed all your advice to stay away from him, try to move on, join a circle of new friends. I've done it. Now tell me when is it good to start seeing new people? Am I looking for a rebound here? Is it just to find another warm body to park my next to?

 

Somebody tell me please what I should do to try and move on. I try to escape this feeling when I'm alone but it seems to make me sadder when I see other couples or spend time with my friends who are couples. I can't just avoid people.

 

Is this feeling still normal or am I just not letting go enough yet?

 

I met a guy the other night who is just coming out of a 4 year relationship. He's been out there for two months now and he sounds a bit vulnerable still. I was attracted to him and I think he's attracted to me but we are both very fresh from these other relationships. He asked me to have a cup of coffee with him and I said yes.

 

Is this wrong? Is this more like some kind of rebound thing? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel but maybe it's too soon to be doing this. On the other hand, I may be overreacting, he asked me for coffee not sex.

 

Guys, please help me out here, should I go out for coffee?

[Owl]

On the other hand, I may be overreacting, he asked me for coffee not sex.

 

BINGO!!!!!!! Yes, I think you should go out for coffee. So far as I know, coffee and conversation never hurt anyone, unless you count the harmful side-effects of caffeine.

 

It's perfectly normal to be feeling lonely and blue after the close of a serious relationship, particularly when the closure wasn't your idea. In fact, if you didn't feel this way I might say there's something wrong with you. Three weeks is not a long time, all things considered, and I know exactly how you feel right now. I'm sure many of us do. What's more, this new fellow should know too, seeing as he's in pretty much the same boat. You'll recover in your own time, and there's no way to know exactly what that time will be! It might be tomorrow or four months from now. Try not to be preoccupied about whether you're on schedule.

 

Yes, you're definitely on the rebound, but that doesn't mean all new relationships should be totally avoided. Even though you don't entirely trust your emotions right now, you can still follow them provided you're careful and use your head (something you should do anyway, but especially in this case). Don't get into anything serious yet, and don't put yourself into a situation that could spiral out of control. For example, don't get drunk with this guy. Loneliness always lowers one's relationship inhibitions, and if you further lower those inhibitions with alcohol you might do something you'll regret. Along similar lines, don't go to any candle-light dinners, moonlit walks on the beach, or any of the other sappy romantic clichés that don't come to mind right now. Again, this is because your inhibitions are lower than normal -- you might just fall for this guy before your brain catches up to your heart.

 

Having said all that, fun and friendly activities should get the green light. As you yourself said, you can't just avoid people. Go out with him as a friend for now, and if he asks you out properly make sure he knows you're not ready for anything serious yet. As long as you're aware that you're vulnerable, half the problem is already dealt with. Watch out for yourself and you'll be fine, I think.

 

Good luck!

[beep]

I am in the same situation as you except my ex girlfriend didn't cheat on me, just wasn't ready to be a "girlfriend" I feel exactly the way you do, if you want to talk you can e mail me at <e-mail address removed> I had an ex that went out with this guy immediately after we broke up after 2 years together, it took me a long time to get over that one! If you want to talk just e mail me. Take care.

This is so hard. It's been three weeks today that he left me for another girl. A one night stand turned into the beginning of a new relationship for him and the end of our for me. So what's a girl to do? I'm doing good. Really good I think. I just wish I weren't so sad sometimes. I've followed all your advice to stay away from him, try to move on, join a circle of new friends. I've done it. Now tell me when is it good to start seeing new people? Am I looking for a rebound here? Is it just to find another warm body to park my next to? Somebody tell me please what I should do to try and move on. I try to escape this feeling when I'm alone but it seems to make me sadder when I see other couples or spend time with my friends who are couples. I can't just avoid people.

 

Is this feeling still normal or am I just not letting go enough yet? I met a guy the other night who is just coming out of a 4 year relationship. He's been out there for two months now and he sounds a bit vulnerable still. I was attracted to him and I think he's attracted to me but we are both very fresh from these other relationships. He asked me to have a cup of coffee with him and I said yes. Is this wrong? Is this more like some kind of rebound thing? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel but maybe it's too soon to be doing this. On the other hand, I may be overreacting, he asked me for coffee not sex. Guys, please help me out here, should I go out for coffee?

[Buckeyegal]

Three weeks is not a long time, especially considering that it lasted 8 yrs, if I remember correctly from your other posts, and the circumstances in which it ended. I agree with the others, having coffee with this guy is ok, but you should keep it strictly at a platonic friendship level for awhile, since you're both freshly out of longterm relationships. It's just my opinion, but I don't think 3 weeks is enough time to heal, and get rid of any excess baggage you may have. There are worse things than being alone...I've known so many people that immediately jump from one relationship to another, rarely do they work out. Some people are so afraid to be alone, that they'll settle for anything just for the sake of being part of a couple.

 

You ask when is a good time to start seeing other people...do you mean when will you be ready to start another relationship? You'll be ready when you realize that it's been weeks since you've even thought of him. You'll be ready when at the mention of his name, or seeing him around, you don't feel any strong emotions. No pain, no hurt, no anger. These are all very intense emotions that I'm sure you're still feeling, and deservedly so. But while you're feeling all these intense emotions for this guy, you can't really give it your all to someone new. Give it more time, it's ok to feel sad right now. Be good to yourself, continue going out with friends, take up a new hobby, do some charity work...just keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy. You'll get there!

[Miss Mojo]

it's only been 3 weeks. you've been going through a really, really tough time emotionally, so don't beat yourself up about still feeling sad. of course you will. you are totally, 100% without a doubt very, very normal. there is no timetable when it comes to getting over a person.

 

i know how easy it is to sit there and think to yourself, "i want to do everything in my power to get over him". a lot of this will be something you can't consciously do....getting over a person is not as easy as saying, "tomorrow when i wake up, i won't care anymore". your feelings will change over time and gradually, you won't feel so sad anymore. trust me. but everything you're doing right now such as not contacting him, going out with friends etc is a smart move.

 

looking for a rebound would not be a good idea at all. the breakdown of a relationship means that all of a sudden we feel so very lonely, but it is also a time that we need to focus on ourselves. if you don't spend some time on your own, you won't recognise true happiness when it comes your way again. if you settle for second-best in order to fill a void, you sure as hell will not find true happiness.

 

things did not work out with your ex, and now you have to go through a healing process. it's important to spend some on your own and gaining back your confidence before you let someone else in.

 

you sound like you've got your head screwed on really well. keep up everything that you're currently doing and don't be afraid to have coffee with this new guy. let him know that you like him, but you're fresh from a relationship too, and you'd be happy to let things just flow naturally without feeling that you must get involved down the track.

 

who knows.....you could end up with a really great guy-friend or a boyfriend. i think you are both in the position where you understand that you do want to rush anything right now and have something genuine, possibly develop.

[Miss Mojo]

i think you are both in the position where you understand that you do want to rush anything right now and have something genuine, possibly develop.

 

should read "......do not want to rush anything right now..."