Help!!! I Have Only 2 Weeks

[vixen123]

I am 28 and met my fiance when I was 26. He is unbelievably giving, loving, sacrificing man ever. We click, are compatible, enjoy each other's company and always have fun. We dated for a year, of which during that time I think we partied alot with our friends and I don't think I gave myself time to really get used to consistantly be solo with him. I was eager for him to propose to me b/c I was enjoying spending my life with this wonderful man...when he did propose a year later. I was excited but that feeling wore off in only a week. (He proposed end of Dec. '04). One week later I started having doubts. I generly don't fantasize about marriage and kids like most other girls growing. I've always actually wanted to move out to California and live it there....I had many dreams...I knew eventually I would marry. I've been dating all the wrong guys since I was 14 and never thought I'd meet the right guy because I am so picky. I look for looks, a good job, who treats me right, etc...Also I'm a perfectionist and am used to it being me, therefore if things went wrong in a relationship, I could bail and start fresh...maybe I'm a committment phobe b/c I think of marriage as jail, growing old, sacrificing your life for others...entrapment. I'm just so used to going out all the time that I think of marriage as with the same person every day and doing the same old things. Its boring. Maybe b/c I'm afraid of getting old and having kids. So anyway, I think I love him as though he's my best friend but am not sure if I'm in love. Its been 2 years and I dont (not sure if I ever did) get excited to see him, butterflies and also he's gained weight over time. I'm unfortunately superficial (that's a downfall on my part) and am losing attraction towards him. After he proposed to me, I became a diff. person over night. I couldnt over look the weight gain and I've told him about it, he said it can change, but its been 2 years with no change. I don't want to move in his house. I get a doomed feeling...and then there's my dreams to move to CA (I live on the east coast). I can't ask him to leave his job for me even so he said he'd try later in life. It is now Nov. and the wedding is in Apr. I began getting depressed (then again I've had the blues for 6 years now and I guess when you have them, you don't excited about much), panic attacks, anxiety and nightmares and ulcers. So I gave him back the ring and called it off. Weve decided to stop talking for 2 weeks until his xmas party I am still invited to of which if I show, then I tell him yes I am willing to overlook all negatives and be willing to work this out or not show and end all ties. I've asked myself all those great questions as to whether I can see myself married to him and the ironic thing is that I CAN...I even sought counseing and did a pro/cons list with no results. If I see myself married to him down the line, why am I not excited to be with him...maybe I get bored w/ people and not meant to get married. I feel (but am not ) old...I don't want to be alone and enjoy being w/ him. HE LITERALLY TOUCHES MY SOUL...A GODSEND. I love him, but am I in love? I have less than 2 weeks to tell him or otherwise he'll move on to someone else and that will hurt greatly. HELP !!!!!

[Outcast]

why am I not excited to be with him...maybe I get bored w/ people and not meant to get married. I feel (but am not ) old...I don't want to be alone and enjoy being w/ him. HE LITERALLY TOUCHES MY SOUL...A GODSEND

 

I believe you have won the LS prize for all-time most contradictory post.

 

Picture him dying tomorrow. How do you feel? Crushed? Does your life go bleak?

 

One of your problems is that you've decided that marriage is 'boring' and 'doing the same old thing' - why? Why can't you do different things with him? It's only when you have kids that you get more tied to a routine - or if you both have jobs but you can't not work and party for the rest of your life.

 

And this thing about moving to California. Why? Dr. Phil says that we think we want things but what we really want is the way we think those things will make us feel. What do you think you'd like better about California? And where in California? Are you aware how expensive it is to live there now? Do you have a good enough job to live in such an expensive place? Do you have any sort of a career?

[vixen123]

Ive been dreamin' of Los Angeles, CA since I was 8, first time I went there and have continuously gone there ever since. I'm 28 and still feeling that desire in my bones. I know I may have to live in an apartment for a while b/c of the expenses. I just got my Doctorate in pharmacy 3 years ago and the avg. income there for pharmacists is approx. $97,000-110,000 depending where you work. I've always loved the west coast, the style, the beauty, the life, etc. Anybody from CA, that can give me more info. on living there?

 

As far as the man in my life, I understand I'm being contadictory b/c I am very indecisive. I've thought of what would happen if he died. Of course, it would be devastating...but then again I lost many in my life, I was also devastated....I guess I don't know what it feels like to be in love after being with someone for 2 years. Yes I know, the excitement of a new relationship wears off. But then what, should I be feeling excitement to come home and see him every day (even after 2 years), have the feeling of can't wait to talk to him every second I can. Maybe in the beginning I might of felt that (then again I have a horrible memory), but after he proposed, all I do is harp about his weight gain, how I don't like his house (I even get unhappy every time I know I'm asked to come over), going to CA, security in his job and long hours, etc. If his weight is something I can't get over, why, for the life of me I can't let go of him? Should you marry someone if everything about him is great except the attraction is very mediocre or dull?

[Cecelius]

$110,000 is not all it's cracked up to be, especially not in LA...

 

But on the real point, isn't the main issue that you don't want, for whatever reason regardless of whether it is a good reason or not, to get tied down to him at this point? In which case, you did the right thing by calling it off. If you are not having a good time with him, then you have let him know that.

 

The worst thing you could do would be to marry him until you have resolved your feelings. you've done a good job of being decent and realistic.

[lily24]

This may be completely off the wall, but my ex was a PharmD grad and you can make that kind of moey in most places. Have you tried looking into Walgreens?? They pay their pharamacists really well. My ex is now making over 100,000 and we live in the country! Don't base you relationship on moving somewhere where you can make more when it's right on your doorstep. Just thought I would let you know.

[westernxer]

Anybody from CA, that can give me more info. on living there?

 

You'll love it, especially during the winter when it isn't as cold as the rest of the continent.

 

Plenty of beautiful people, too, who are superficial like you. </joking>

 

More than anything, you'll meet a lot of young professionals who aren't ready to settle down. You should also have no trouble finding a job, considering your credentials.

 

Still, you have to ask yourself if it's just a fleeting sensation or something you really want to do. After all, you are engaged.

[ponder24]

Hey Vixon- You wrote me before saying you are in a similiar situation as I,,,and I agree, I read your post.

If we both get married,,,,and in 5 years are really unhappy, I will move with you to California!!!!!

[Lil Honey]

The original post was about this great guy and how many things are "wrong" with him. I think that calling off the wedding was the right thing to do. I think you should call him about not showing at the X-mas party, so that he won't be stood up and has the opportunity to find a lady that will appreciate an evening with a nice guy, cuz I think he deserves that.