Open and Closed

[qtstorm]

I have been married to my wife for over 5 years we have three kids the oldest being eight years old. We have always known that love did not bring us together. She got pregnant in high school during my senior year and I ran away from the situation for a year. I finally decided to be responsible. We decided to live together and three kids later here we are. I want to get straight to the point. My wife sleep with another guy a few years ago. She says that it was an anonymous thing. She would always tell me about the guy and how hot she thought he was, and I was not bothered by that. She tells me that it was a mistake. I took the news very well. I have to say because she had caught me viewing porn on the internet, so I was willing to call it even. She has told me that in many respects viewing porn on the internet is worse than having a real affair. She thinks that my viewing of porn for my sexual gratification is akin to the perverted ruminations of child molestation. Thus she thinks I am sick and perverted. Fast forward to four years later. I have been caught since then viewing porn, and a vicious cycle has repeated itself. Me feeling like a perverted jerk and her extolling her hurt since she gives me plenty of sex. I relate these things to you because I'm wondering if the cause of the next things I'm about to say are a result of my inability to control my lust for the kink of internet fantasy. She met another guy recently. She said he was hot. They exchanged heated words for months. She tells me that they became friends, and eventually lovers. She spared me no detail in their affairs. I allowed her to do this. The kinky side of me enjoyed her tales. I even saw a window of opportunity in her recent passions. I said to myself great now I can fool around with real women instead of facsimiles. Maybe we can share together a new world of sexuality. So, we decided to have an open relationship. I met a woman and slept with her. She continued to sleep with guy#1. I hope you guys are following me because it gets much better. When I slept with the woman I felt like I was cheating on my wife! I was a bit infuriated with my feeling. She didn't have the same problem with her guy. I think that I felt this way because the only reason I slept with her was to even the score. For a while I felt better. I was determined to sleep with her at least twice, and to this day that is where my tally stands. Two encounters with a woman that doesn't measure up to my wife. My wife's guy#1 has moved to a town three hours away. He has a new job and he is now single ( he had a girlfriend while he was here). She talks about wanting him sexually constantly. She tells me that she can't wait to sleep with him again. She has even contemplated making the three hour drive for this purpose. Guy#2 is a young guy she met. She says that she had to have him. She made it her personal mission. She achieved her goal. So, while guy#1 is three hours away guy#2 is right here. I know the details of it all. My wife and I still have sex pretty regularly also. I've discussed going to the next level, because anyone would consider our relationship as outside the box anyway. Maybe, I could watch you with another guy? Maybe we could have a threesome. Of course, these clean cut guys would never go for it. Besides, it would be to weird since I don't know them. They don't even know about each other. So, I said that if she doesn't want to participate in my fantasies then I'm not into having an open relationship anymore. I told her that when we started this I thought it was going to be something that we could share. It hasn't been that way. She doesn't share my fantasies. I am Frankenstein, I fear that I have created a monster. I find that I have secretly been viewing internet porn again. She is dead set against this I know it. I know that it's my pathetic attempt at rebellion against my wife and her rules. You see, she told me that I couldn't tell her she couldn't sleep with other guys anymore. I have no say about what she does with her body. She's going to do what she wants to do anyway. So, why in the same respect should I get the third degree for trying to find a way to channel my fantasies? She has certainly found her channel ( and it ain't CNN!). We've spoken of divorce but we love our kids and don't want to put them through the pain of a broken home. As much as I've wanted to branch out into a world where the boundaries of conventional matrimony aren't the constraints of monogamy, I find myself feeling very lost. I don't want to cause my kids to have to endure the agony of a broken family. Why do I feel hurt?

[LifeBound]

You feel hurt b/c clearly you love your wife and you have gotten yourself into a mess that you shouldn't really even be in.

 

Viewing internet porn is nothing bad. I guess it just matters how you going about doing it, and how far you take it. Clearly she labeled it as bad, and so when you do it behind her back, you are breaking a boundary she has. Clearly it is not the equivalent of cheating. That is just ridiculous and it stems from a self esteem issue(not necc bad), and a persons need to feel attractive and loved. Sometimes i watch a porn and i have a picture of my girlfriend opened up right there next to it. What is so wrong? Some woman have a hard time comprehending that, some woman are totally ok with it. My girlfriend used quote 'porn is disgusting, i hate it, i havent watched one in 10 yrs' , 6 months ago she downloaded 3 for herself, and now we have a video camera, and sometimes we have sex while watching porn together.

 

You probably left her out of your fantasies. You had porn on your left side, your wife on your right, and when your wife hugged you and looked over your shoulder, she saw porn staring her down.

 

At the moment, you have a huge fiasco going on with you, your wife, and these 2 guys. It definitely seems out of control. I don't really know your wife so i can't exactly say how to handle her. She might just truelly be out of reach or you might just have to find the key that will cause her to stop or slow in her tracks.

At a minimum i would stop encouraging her, even if you feel inclined by one of your own fantasies of sharing. People who don't fully understand themselves and demonstrate emotional or mental weakness shouldnt meddle in multiple partners. The act alone has devistating affects, even if you are only out to 'experiment' and one of you isn't strong enough to look past it and move on.

 

my best advice would be to seek professoinal help. Not just any therapist, but a damn good one. The best types of relationship therapy that i have heard of is -> Imago Relationship Therapy. Search it on the net i guess. It is very effective.

 

i want to give you a lot more advice, but i feel therapy is the better way.

 

good luck

Sal