Am I too bossy or is he too bossy?

[Pamela]

I just got involved in a new relationship with a man over 30 years older than myself and we fell in love almost right away. I never met a man so caring, gentle and at the same time able to satisfy my needs.

 

However, we have a few problems like all people do, I guess.

 

He came over and stayed with me for a week at my place and we spent the whole time together.

 

I guess I am used to getting my way with men but this time, it wasn't so easy.

 

He liked to talk alot and lots of times he was already making tentative plans of us living together and settling down while I was just taking each day as it came not worrying or talking too much about the future.

 

For example, last week I had a job interview in town for a summer teaching postition and he was already worrying about how I could come to visit him if I would be working at this job. Sometimes his "pushiness" tired me out and I just told him things that he wanted to hear so he would stop nagging me. (you know what I mean?)

 

Then another day I really wanted to take him to a special place to show him a beautiful beach and when I asked if he could contribute some money for the gas, he told me he really didn't want to spend money on things he didn't need to see and that he had come here special to see ME. I got a bit upset and told him how I really wanted him to see this place because the water was really nice and he told me that I wanted to go there for myself to swim, but he was tired.

 

I got more upset and told him how much it meant to me for me to take him there, then he told me I was being bossy and that I shouldn't make decisions for him and that he wanted me to learn not to make all the decisions.

 

There were other things that he did that kind of made me question whether it was HE who was bossy or ME. For example, one morning he was tired and wanted to sleep in late, so I got up and did my things. When I opened the bedroom door to get something it made a tiny squeek and he kind of groaned and said, "You woke me up" I reacted negatively and told him not to exaggerate and told him he was rude to say that to me. He told me he wasn't being rude and that it was just a fact that I woke him up, nothing more and that I shouldn't feel insulted.

 

At home he has this problem with a Russian 15-year-old girl and her mother that he helped several years ago when they immigrated to the country with no money. This girl never had a father before and she sees him like a family, but she and her mother only take money and presents from him and use him to help them with difficult situations.

 

Yesterday (he got home on Thursday)he told me about how he had gotten into a big arguement with this girl because she asked him for $100 to buy a dress for a dance and he told her he couldn't help her because he spent lots of money on his trip to see me, but he could give her $50 and he would call her mother up to ask her mother to give her the other half, but she became furious and hung up on him.

 

He told me all about this over the phone yesterday and I got very upset and angry with him for still keeping contactwith these people who milk him for money.

 

He told me to promise him I wouldn't say anything to them if I met them when I come to visit and I told him I would only promise that if he promised me that this would be the last time he gave the girl money and kept contact with them.

 

"So you see. You're trying to control me," he said.

 

"No, I'm not. I just cannot make that kind of promise because I am involved with you too and this affects me!"

 

I hung up on him and said I'd think about it and call back later.

 

Well when I called back an hour later he told me I had upset him so much that he felt he had palpitations in his heart! I felt really bad and said, "Okay, I promise you I won't say anything to Alexandra and her mother if I meet them. Calm down."

 

He told me that that only serious reason he would ever have to break up with me would be because I was too bossy and he couldn't take it. He said he didn't want another Alexandra in me and all the honey and sweetness I give him isn't worth the hell he feels when we have a disagreement.

 

I started to panic over the phone and cry because I thought he was going to "abandon" me(My worst fear is being abandonded) and he told me he loved me very much, that I was the "best thing that ever happened in his life" and I had no idea how much he "wanted me" but if I needed a man I could boss around it wasn't him and maybe we would really have to re-think the whole thing if I knew in my heart that I couldn't change.

 

Who is being bossy here? Are both of us being bossy thinking the other one is bossy? I don't understand this.

[Buckeyegal]

When you state your fear of abandonment, obviously the first thing I thought of was, were you abandoned by your father? You're looking at this guy as the father figure you never had? If that's the case, I recommend getting couseling and dealing with those issues.

 

30 years is a huge age gap, which I feel would be difficult to overcome for many reasons.

 

1. He was brought up in an entirely different era...when most mothers stayed at home, tended to the house and kids and left all decision making to the man. It was very much a male dominated society, getting him to change his views at this age would be down right difficult I would think. It may be that he thinks because he's the man in the relationship, that his word goes and expects you to be the demure, unquestioning little lady.

 

2. You haven't stated your exact ages, but sooner or later, physically, he'll have a hard time keeping up with you. His health may start ailing, he won't be able to do the things you want to do such as walks along the beach and swimming.

 

3. Do you feel comfortable with his friends? Does he feel comfortable with yours?

 

4. Are you ready to deal with people asking if he's your father, or even grandfather?

 

It just doesn't seem like this relationship has a whole lot going for it...you both have different agendas as far as the future goes, both think the other is too controlling and bossy. As far as the other girl and her mother taking advantage of him, there's not really anything you can do about that. He can't be taken advantage of unless he lets them, so that's his choice.

I just got involved in a new relationship with a man over 30 years older than myself and we fell in love almost right away. I never met a man so caring, gentle and at the same time able to satisfy my needs. However, we have a few problems like all people do, I guess. He came over and stayed with me for a week at my place and we spent the whole time together.

 

I guess I am used to getting my way with men but this time, it wasn't so easy. He liked to talk alot and lots of times he was already making tentative plans of us living together and settling down while I was just taking each day as it came not worrying or talking too much about the future. For example, last week I had a job interview in town for a summer teaching postition and he was already worrying about how I could come to visit him if I would be working at this job. Sometimes his "pushiness" tired me out and I just told him things that he wanted to hear so he would stop nagging me. (you know what I mean?) Then another day I really wanted to take him to a special place to show him a beautiful beach and when I asked if he could contribute some money for the gas, he told me he really didn't want to spend money on things he didn't need to see and that he had come here special to see ME. I got a bit upset and told him how I really wanted him to see this place because the water was really nice and he told me that I wanted to go there for myself to swim, but he was tired. I got more upset and told him how much it meant to me for me to take him there, then he told me I was being bossy and that I shouldn't make decisions for him and that he wanted me to learn not to make all the decisions. There were other things that he did that kind of made me question whether it was HE who was bossy or ME. For example, one morning he was tired and wanted to sleep in late, so I got up and did my things. When I opened the bedroom door to get something it made a tiny squeek and he kind of groaned and said, "You woke me up" I reacted negatively and told him not to exaggerate and told him he was rude to say that to me. He told me he wasn't being rude and that it was just a fact that I woke him up, nothing more and that I shouldn't feel insulted. At home he has this problem with a Russian 15-year-old girl and her mother that he helped several years ago when they immigrated to the country with no money. This girl never had a father before and she sees him like a family, but she and her mother only take money and presents from him and use him to help them with difficult situations.

 

Yesterday (he got home on Thursday)he told me about how he had gotten into a big arguement with this girl because she asked him for $100 to buy a dress for a dance and he told her he couldn't help her because he spent lots of money on his trip to see me, but he could give her $50 and he would call her mother up to ask her mother to give her the other half, but she became furious and hung up on him. He told me all about this over the phone yesterday and I got very upset and angry with him for still keeping contactwith these people who milk him for money. He told me to promise him I wouldn't say anything to them if I met them when I come to visit and I told him I would only promise that if he promised me that this would be the last time he gave the girl money and kept contact with them. "So you see. You're trying to control me," he said. "No, I'm not. I just cannot make that kind of promise because I am involved with you too and this affects me!" I hung up on him and said I'd think about it and call back later. Well when I called back an hour later he told me I had upset him so much that he felt he had palpitations in his heart! I felt really bad and said, "Okay, I promise you I won't say anything to Alexandra and her mother if I meet them. Calm down." He told me that that only serious reason he would ever have to break up with me would be because I was too bossy and he couldn't take it. He said he didn't want another Alexandra in me and all the honey and sweetness I give him isn't worth the hell he feels when we have a disagreement.

 

I started to panic over the phone and cry because I thought he was going to "abandon" me(My worst fear is being abandonded) and he told me he loved me very much, that I was the "best thing that ever happened in his life" and I had no idea how much he "wanted me" but if I needed a man I could boss around it wasn't him and maybe we would really have to re-think the whole thing if I knew in my heart that I couldn't change. Who is being bossy here? Are both of us being bossy thinking the other one is bossy? I don't understand this.

[Pamela]

When you state your fear of abandonment, obviously the first thing I thought of was, were you abandoned by your father? You're looking at this guy as the father figure you never had?

 

I was never abandoned by my father, but he always had trouble being warm and showing his emotions even though he loved me.

It was very much a male dominated society, getting him to change his views at this age would be down right difficult I would think. It may be that he thinks because he's the man in the relationship, that his word goes and expects you to be the demure, unquestioning little lady.

 

He told me at first that it was so great to talk to me because I could teach him so many things that other women never did, but when I tried to teach him certain things or explain things it didn't quite go the way I expected. For example, he wanted me to tell him the story-line of an opera so I got a book out and a compact disc to help me and he told me he wanted me to tell it to him in my OWN WORDS, not from a CD cover or a book. I got mad at him and told him I wanted to tell him the story of the opera MY WAY and I wanted the book there for reference in case I got something mixed up. I don't understand why he would make such a big deal over such a stupid little thing. Do you?

2. You haven't stated your exact ages, but sooner or later, physically, he'll have a hard time keeping up with you. His health may start ailing, he won't be able to do the things you want to do such as walks along the beach and swimming.

 

I am in my early thirties.

3. Do you feel comfortable with his friends?

 

I never met his friends because they don't live here. I only met one male friend of his (his friend lives with a woman my age)who we met living in my area. I got along really well with his friend and he seemed to like me.

Does he feel comfortable with yours?

 

Yes. My father who doesn't believe in mixing with my relationships got along well with him and my grandmother really liked him as well. My mother is out of town, but I think she would have more of a problem accepting him...

4. Are you ready to deal with people asking if he's your father, or even grandfather?

 

At first I felt a little strange walking with him holding hands in public because I was afraid people might stare at us, but later I didn't care.

[Kelli]

I just got involved in a new relationship with a man over 30 years older than myself and we fell in love almost right away. I never met a man so caring, gentle and at the same time able to satisfy my needs. However, we have a few problems like all people do, I guess. He came over and stayed with me for a week at my place and we spent the whole time together.

 

I guess I am used to getting my way with men but this time, it wasn't so easy. He liked to talk alot and lots of times he was already making tentative plans of us living together and settling down while I was just taking each day as it came not worrying or talking too much about the future. For example, last week I had a job interview in town for a summer teaching postition and he was already worrying about how I could come to visit him if I would be working at this job. Sometimes his "pushiness" tired me out and I just told him things that he wanted to hear so he would stop nagging me. (you know what I mean?) Then another day I really wanted to take him to a special place to show him a beautiful beach and when I asked if he could contribute some money for the gas, he told me he really didn't want to spend money on things he didn't need to see and that he had come here special to see ME. I got a bit upset and told him how I really wanted him to see this place because the water was really nice and he told me that I wanted to go there for myself to swim, but he was tired. I got more upset and told him how much it meant to me for me to take him there, then he told me I was being bossy and that I shouldn't make decisions for him and that he wanted me to learn not to make all the decisions. There were other things that he did that kind of made me question whether it was HE who was bossy or ME. For example, one morning he was tired and wanted to sleep in late, so I got up and did my things. When I opened the bedroom door to get something it made a tiny squeek and he kind of groaned and said, "You woke me up" I reacted negatively and told him not to exaggerate and told him he was rude to say that to me. He told me he wasn't being rude and that it was just a fact that I woke him up, nothing more and that I shouldn't feel insulted. At home he has this problem with a Russian 15-year-old girl and her mother that he helped several years ago when they immigrated to the country with no money. This girl never had a father before and she sees him like a family, but she and her mother only take money and presents from him and use him to help them with difficult situations.

 

Yesterday (he got home on Thursday)he told me about how he had gotten into a big arguement with this girl because she asked him for $100 to buy a dress for a dance and he told her he couldn't help her because he spent lots of money on his trip to see me, but he could give her $50 and he would call her mother up to ask her mother to give her the other half, but she became furious and hung up on him. He told me all about this over the phone yesterday and I got very upset and angry with him for still keeping contactwith these people who milk him for money. He told me to promise him I wouldn't say anything to them if I met them when I come to visit and I told him I would only promise that if he promised me that this would be the last time he gave the girl money and kept contact with them. "So you see. You're trying to control me," he said. "No, I'm not. I just cannot make that kind of promise because I am involved with you too and this affects me!" I hung up on him and said I'd think about it and call back later. Well when I called back an hour later he told me I had upset him so much that he felt he had palpitations in his heart! I felt really bad and said, "Okay, I promise you I won't say anything to Alexandra and her mother if I meet them. Calm down." He told me that that only serious reason he would ever have to break up with me would be because I was too bossy and he couldn't take it. He said he didn't want another Alexandra in me and all the honey and sweetness I give him isn't worth the hell he feels when we have a disagreement.

 

I started to panic over the phone and cry because I thought he was going to "abandon" me(My worst fear is being abandonded) and he told me he loved me very much, that I was the "best thing that ever happened in his life" and I had no idea how much he "wanted me" but if I needed a man I could boss around it wasn't him and maybe we would really have to re-think the whole thing if I knew in my heart that I couldn't change. Who is being bossy here? Are both of us being bossy thinking the other one is bossy? I don't understand this.

First of all, there is quite an age difference between the two of you. This man is old enough to be your father......Is it a "father figure" youre looking for?? Be very careful of that. With the age difference comes many problems. Like you wanting to go to the beach, and he just wanting to take his geritol and a good nap. I would seriously suggest going out with someone closer to your own age. You will have more in common, probably see mor eye to eye on things,and have the same energy level. Im sorry to say this, but I think its kind of sick, a man who wants to be in a relationship with a woman 30 years younger than himself. Look at the big picture here. What do you see your life being like 20 years from now with this person?? If you still want take him to the beach at that point, make sure you pack plenty of depends.

 

Kelli

[Laurynn]

How long have you been dating? I could be wrong, but I got the impression that you haven't been dating for more than a couple weeks or so. If that's the case, in light of your obvious differences and the volatility in your relationship so far, do you really think it's true love?

 

I gathered from your posts that you and he bicker a fair bit......you're like oil and water, a match and gasoline. Seems you both get offended easily, over little things.

 

For instance, you explaining to him about the Opera..and him just wanting to hear it in your own words.....okay, so you wanted to explain it in a DIFFERENT way, so what? Hardly seems worth have a tiff about, no?

 

Why on earth are you even attracted to someone who's this much older? Have you even thought it through? If you're in your early 30's, that means he's in his early 60's.....within the next 10 yrs, he could have some major health problems......are you ready to have to 'look after him'? Is that what you want?

 

He seems very set in his ways, so do you......this makes for a very volatile relationship, and an unsatisfying one. Seems there will always be some kind of a power struggle, always hurt feelings and disagreements. If it's just the BEGINNING of your relationship with him and already you are bickering about these things, I don't see how it's going to get any better..usually in the beginning, things are heavenly and surreal.

 

This guy is in his 60's....he's going to be very set in his ways, and not easy for you to 'change'.....

 

As for this mother and her 15 yr old daughter....are you sure this isn't HIS daughter/the Mom the mother is HIS child? Seems a little strange to me that he'd just hand out money to them like that, on an ongoing basis.....I could see him helping them once they got into the country, but still? I also found it strange that he'd care so much what you thought about them/worried so much that you wouldn't be nice to them if you met them. Weird.

 

L

[Pamela]

How long have you been dating?

 

We met in a bizarre way over the phone, "fell in love" over the phone for about a month then just last week he flew over to visit me.

 

I could be

wrong, but I got the impression that you haven't been dating for more than a couple weeks or so. If that's the case, in light of your obvious differences and the volatility in your relationship so far, do you really think it's true love?

 

I'm not sure. At first he told me "anything you do I'll forgive because I love you" but apparently that isn't really the case. We had an arguement about love in which I told him that true love can survive hell which he didn't agree with.

I gathered from your posts that you and he bicker a fair bit......you're like oil and water, a match and gasoline. Seems you both get offended easily, over little things.

 

Well I'm an Aquarius and he's a Virgo. Not exactly compatible signs. Even if you don't believe in astrology we do see the world in different ways.

Why on earth are you even attracted to someone who's this much older?

 

I had huge doubts in the beginning that anything would come of this when we met, but apparently we both have a great such a need to be loved and to love that our physical needs are more than met. And I've never known another man to be so responsive and caring about my needs.

 

Have you even thought it

through? He has thought it thru more than me and at first was worried I would break his heart if I left him, but later he concluded that even if we are together a few years it might be worth it in the end.

 

If you're in your early 30's, that means

he's in his early 60's.....within the next 10 yrs, he could have some major health problems......are you ready to have to 'look after him'? Is that what you want?

 

Not really, but maybe if I grow attached to him I might want to do this.

[Laurynn]

We met in a bizarre way over the phone, "fell in love" over the phone for about a month then just last week he flew over to visit me.

Um, you can't "fall in love over the phone." Falling in love requires spending significant amounts of time together, IN PERSON, getting to know all the little idiosyncracies of another person, being on the same wavelength, developing a mutual level of trust and respect. This can't possibly develop 'over the phone.'

I had huge doubts in the beginning that anything would come of this when we met, but apparently we both have a great such a need to be loved and to love that our physical needs are more than met. And I've never known another man to be so responsive and caring about my needs.

Okay, so I get from this that you're both very "needy" people, perhaps even somewhat codependent/insecure. I'm not sure it's so "healthy" to have such a need to be loved.....get what I'm saying? We all need and desire love to varying degrees, but the fact that you two ?fell in love over the phone over such a short period of time, sounds like you're both extremely needy, almost desperate? Not putting you down, but "needing someone" in this way is a surefire way for a relationship to end in disaster. And what's all this about "your needs"?...see again, you sound very needy.

 

Not really, but maybe if I grow attached to him I might want to do this.

Say WHAT? "MAYBE" if you grow attached to him, you MIGHT want to end up taking care of him? Come on girl, get with the program. We don't get healthier as we age, and most elderly people have health problems...and it's a known fact that men live longer than women (most often they die due to chronic illnesses)......are you even THINKING long term here? Why on earth are you involved with someone who's old enough to be your Dad, claiming to be 'in love' with him, but admitting that you're not even that attached to him? Good God, that is bizarre. You claim to love him but you admit you're not yet attached to him? See the contradiction?

 

Does this guy have money or something? I'm in my early 30's..there's no way in hell I'd give a second look to a guy in his 60's.....what on earth is the attraction? Sounds to me like you're looking for a Father-figure, despite the fact that you say you have a good relationship with your own Dad.

 

Geezus, this guy has already told you that he couldnt do something cuz he had heart palpitations......why wouldn't you want a guy closer to your own age who's on the same wavelength, has a similar energy level, wants to do the same things as you do, has a sense of adventure, isn't some old fart.

 

Too weird.

[Laurynn]

Um, you can't "fall in love over the phone." Falling in love requires spending significant amounts of time together, IN PERSON, getting to know all the little idiosyncracies of another person, being on the same wavelength, developing a mutual level of trust and respect. This can't possibly develop 'over the phone.'

 

Okay, so I get from this that you're both very "needy" people, perhaps even somewhat codependent/insecure. I'm not sure it's so "healthy" to have such a need to be loved .....get what I'm saying? We all need and desire love to varying degrees, but the fact that you two ?fell in love over the phone over such a short period of time, sounds like you're both extremely needy, almost desperate? Not putting you down, but "needing someone" in this way is a surefire way for a relationship to end in disaster. And what's all this about "your needs"?...see again, you sound very needy. Say WHAT? "MAYBE" if you grow attached to him, you MIGHT want to end up taking care of him? Come on girl, get with the program. We don't get healthier as we age, and most elderly people have health problems...and it's a known fact that men live longer than women (most often they die due to chronic illnesses)......are you even THINKING long term here? Why on earth are you involved with someone who's old enough to be your Dad, claiming to be 'in love' with him, but admitting that you're not even that attached to him? Good God, that is bizarre. You claim to love him but you admit you're not yet attached to him? See the contradiction? Does this guy have money or something? I'm in my early 30's..there's no way in hell I'd give a second look to a guy in his 60's.....what on earth is the attraction? Sounds to me like you're looking for a Father-figure, despite the fact that you say you have a good relationship with your own Dad. Geezus, this guy has already told you that he couldnt do something cuz he had heart palpitations......why wouldn't you want a guy closer to your own age who's on the same wavelength, has a similar energy level, wants to do the same things as you do, has a sense of adventure, isn't some old fart.

 

Too weird.