roxyg Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Are these three things too much to ask for in a relationship? This question may be mainly directed to guys, but if people feel the same regarding their woman, input is appreciated. I am engaged, and I just feel as if these three elements aren't key in our relationship. I mean, I give, but I want it to be 100% each way, not 40-60, not 50-50. Do some guys have problems with this, or females too, or is this just the guy I'm dealing with? And, does premarital counseling help to resolve issues such as this? I'm becoming more and more frustrated with asking for these things, when it should be given so freely especially since we are engaged! Thanks for any input! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 especially since we are engaged If a person isn't trustworthy, respectful, and truthful before, engagement will not magically make him so. Nor will marriage. Yes, absolutely go to counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 I've never had any reason to doubt him, but recently he posted some weird comments on a forum, that we are both on. I don't know if he did that for me to specifically see or if he thought I might not see it at all. Regardless, I'm just really confused about the whole situation, and when I confronted him about it, he said it was nothing. Perhaps it is nothing, but I really don't know if I truly believe him. There are other things, and I don't think marriage will automatically change him, I just thought I was getting engaged to a wonderful person at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Do some guys have problems with this, or females too, or is this just the guy I'm dealing with? These characteristics are not really not gender-specific IMO. Some people have them more than others. I would have appreciated more honesty from the previous Juliet, for example. The lack of them can really screw up a relationship. Definitely counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 recently he posted some weird comments on a forum How weird? Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 If you don't have these things then what is the basis for you relationship? Furthermore, why would you want to marry someone that you don't trust and respect, or vice versa? Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 He posted some comments that make me think pehaps he doesn't want to be in a monogomous (if this is misspelled, sorry) relationship, his only reasoning for being in one is due to jealousy and fear of std's if he slept with other people. There were other things, but it's beside the point. And, yes, I realize that our relationship, cannot amount to much without trust, respect, and honesty, it's just I see it more and more from him, that I give, but don't feel I recieve the same as I am giving him. It's there, but it's not really there. If any of that made sense. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 If you don't trust him, what's the point? You guys need to TALK about it. Tell him his comments really concern you and you really want to know where he stands on this marriage thing. If you don't feel you can trust him, or he isn't begin honest, IMHO it doesn't even matter if he is telling the truth or not. Your perception of lies will destroy the marriage almost as quickly. Don't get married unless you are 100% sure. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 If you don't have these things then what is the basis for you relationship? Furthermore, why would you want to marry someone that you don't trust and respect, or vice versa? Totally agree with JS17 ... you gotta have all these in the equation of a relationship and if you don't have it in yours than you shouldn't marry him because you gotta have these if you don't how can you make it work !!! Good luck:) Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 <oops... double post... heh heh sorry> Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Trust me on this: You don't want a man who's 100% into you, because that would remove the parts of him that attracted you to him in the first place. You don't want him to acquiesce to your every desire, and you don't want honesty 100% of the time. So be very careful what you wish for, lest you end up with a spineless mate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73475 Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 I don't see how wanting trust, respect, and honesty can translate into '100% into you'. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Trust me on this: You don't want a man who's 100% into you, because that would remove the parts of him that attracted you to him in the first place. You don't want him to acquiesce to your every desire, and you don't want honesty 100% of the time. So be very careful what you wish for, lest you end up with a spineless mate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73475 Figures that a man would say that well women like those qualities ... Being all that doesn't make a man spineless makes the women give you more sex lol !!! When my man is open with me makes me feel as we are connected and nothing or noone can bother that bond!! Best feeling in the world!!! Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Being all that doesn't make a man spineless makes the women give you more sex lol !!! Oh, I wish it were the case, but my personal experience tells me different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 I don't see how wanting trust, respect, and honesty can translate into '100% into you'. It's not that I want him to be 100% "into" me, it's that each party should give their all, whether that be with how they treat the other or how they communicate with the other, etc. I realize we don't all tell the truth, there is stuff better left unsaid, but when it comes down to the basics of a relationship, each person should put in 100%. Each way should be equal, not just one person do more than the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Any chance his comments were a joke? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Oh, I wish it were the case, but my personal experience tells me different. Maybe not for you but for me it works !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 29, 2005 Author Share Posted November 29, 2005 Any chance his comments were a joke? Unfortunately, no they were not a joke. He told me last night how he felt about everything. I'm not one to give up that easily, we have been together for about three years now, and have weathered many things. But, after my conversation last night, I feel beaten and worn out. I didn't say yes, to his proposal because I thought our lives would be perfect, but I certainly wasn't prepared for what I was told. It's weird, how I feel right now, I cannot describe it. I guess we'll see if we actually make it or not. My heart is leaning towards the "not" part, but who really knows these things? Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 I thought our lives would be perfect... And herein lies the crux of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 And herein lies the crux of the problem. If you read through what I wrote, I stated, I didn't accept his proposal because I thought out lives would be perfect, I know there are problems in every relationship. There has to be some sort of conflict whether it is underlying or at the surface, that's just life, not everyone is perfect. I would rather us have arguments than not talk about our problems at all, and be miserable with one another or with what we may say or do. I have been reassured by him that his statement was purely a generalization, nothing he believes to be for himself, regarding monogmous relationships. He also said he wouldn't have asked me to marry him if he truly did not want to. I guess I'm just a little confused, and maybe I'm over analyzing everything, I don't know. Thanks everyone for your input or your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 roxyg, you're right. I misinterpreted the message. My fault; sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Did you guys meet via the internet ? How lame to post crap like that about your gf..... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 and I don't think marriage will automatically change himAH! I see what the whole problem is just from this statement. If you're not happy with the way he is now.....forget it. It's mighty selfish of you to want him to change. Also, just because it's suppose to be 100%/100% doesn't mean it'll ever be that way all the time. I realize you know this, but you seem to moaning and groaning because poor little you isn't getting her fair share. Unconditional love doesn't demand much if anything.........I don't think you have it for this guy. Just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
Author roxyg Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 AH! I see what the whole problem is just from this statement. If you're not happy with the way he is now.....forget it. It's mighty selfish of you to want him to change. Also, just because it's suppose to be 100%/100% doesn't mean it'll ever be that way all the time. I realize you know this, but you seem to moaning and groaning because poor little you isn't getting her fair share. Unconditional love doesn't demand much if anything.........I don't think you have it for this guy. Just my .02 I never said I wanted to change him! I just would like the same respect that I give him. Unconditional love means respect, honesty, trust. If I sounded like I was bitching so be it. That's why most people post to rant. I always say you give what you get, maybe I'm not giving in full. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I never said I wanted to change him!Not in so many words, but your statement clearly indicates that this is your wish.I just would like the same respect that I give him.I understand that, and who wouldn't? The thing about that is, respect is earned. And that takes time. Also, it doesn't take as much to lose it, than it does to gain it. It's not a fair shake. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. Don't expect it, and it'll come to ya. Time is your friend right now.If I sounded like I was bitching so be it.What I meant from my comment is that you've already begun to expect something from him that's just not going to happen immediately. You should continue to put in your 100% regardless if your getting it back. Once the relationship grows and matures, you'll find even ground......eventually. I always say you give what you get, maybe I'm not giving in full.Change that around to, "You get what you give", and perhaps you'll see a noticeable difference. Link to post Share on other sites
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