Friends in Common- A blessing or a curse?

[Distracted]

I've never thought about seeking advice from an on-line forum, but I need a little perspective about my situation that I can't get from my friends. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me two weeks ago. I have been having okay days and really bads ones, and I can shake this feeling that things aren't really over between us.

 

We were living together and for awhile everything was wonderful. But recently he had been spending more time with his friends and even staying out all night without calling. I don't really believe he was cheating, but I do think he was drinking too much and maybe doing drugs. I let him know that his doing this was hurting me and all he could say was "sometimes I make bad decisions." After two of these all-nighters in one week I left (after calling repeatedly to make sure he was okay- with only a text message "I'm fine" as a response). I got a note from him saying he was still trying to figure things out and that we would talk in a few days. I spent that weekend trying to decide what I wanted to do. I love him but obviously I can't let him walk all over me like that and I think that part of our problem is that I have been too nice about certain things. Ultimately I decided that we should try and work things out.

 

So a few days later when we finally got back together to talk he told me that he was not happy and that he was too old (at 30) to keeping working on a relationship. I didn't argue or cry, beg or plead with him. I had felt this coming all weekend- he doesn't like to argue and sometimes I feel that he'll do absolutely anything to avoid a big argument. But he didn't say he doesn't love me anymore and its hard for me to believe that true.

 

But regardless, we are broken up- and this is the second time. The last time it lasted 3 months (with no contact) before he realized he still loved me. At this moment I am torn because I do want him back, but not the relationship that we had. Despite my mixed feelings, I can't concentrate, sleep soundly, or eat. I know that not talking to him would be best but we have lots of mutual friends who I do not want to lose and we all hang out in the same places, so I'm bound to run into him (which I have already) and I'm sure he'll hear things about me from them. Should I hold on to the hope of reconcillation? Is no contact really possible when you share so many friends? Does anyone have advice for me?

[mini696]

I advise next time you have a BF that you keep your friends separate.

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah it is a great thing when you're together, but after a split they always seem to take sides.. sadly I lost two people I considered some of my best friends (who live next door to me and set me up with her in the first place), after the split I not only found out what kind of person my ex is but also what my two ex-best friends are like...

 

They sit up with her all night with wine talking over our relationship probs while I was crying on my own next door, not a word... I don't even get calls etc anymore so truly gone.

 

Sad thing is I have been close friends with them for 2 years, they have known her 6 months and only got close cos I was with her!

 

So I lost a lot, and I'm probably more lonely now than I have been in years, so in future I won't let my friends set me up with a girl!

[sexysi]

In these kind of situations you find out who your real friends are. And let me tell you......friends should not be talking about you to your ex.

 

I realize it's hard and the pain is still fresh but you have to try and accept that the relationship is over. Anyone who can disappear for days and not contact you has no real respect for you. And I don't care what anyone seay's, if your in a commited relationship with someone that you live with then you always go home - even if your steaming drunk.

 

I promise you, the bad days will come less and less. But you have to make the choice to move on.

[BrknHrt]

Distracted, I'm leaving work right now and don't have time to type what all I'd like to say, so please if you see this, e-mail me. ([email protected]) I am in the same situation with my boyfriend(now Ex) of 5 years and none of my friends understand what I am going through, I would love to talk to someone who is experiencing the same things!

[patwheel]

Friends in common are great, when you're with the other person. Everything is like "friends" the tv show, but in real life, you go places together, laugh, have inside jokes, feel at home wherever you go. Life is just great.

 

I was there, having the time of my life, made the friends of my ex, my friends, our friends.

 

Not to say, the minute she broke it off with me, they ran away far far from me. People that I have spent so much time with, shared feelings and thoughts that you wouldnt say to everyone, all that gone.

 

Feeling betrayed? I do. Feeling sad? Not a bit. Why? If people are choosing sides like that, they werent true in the first place. Why should we bother being with people who are fakes?

 

Of course they ll check up on you and all that, but mostly, from what Im going through, its to pass messages to your ex.

[Distracted]

Thanks for everyone's advice. At least so far almost all of the mutual friends have been very supportive and as the ex-BF says they are all on my side. I don't want to have sides though. Plus its hard not to be concerned that anything I say or do will get back to him. I think the only solution to this is to stop talking to them about him and save those conversations for those friends that are mine alone.

 

And your right- anyone that doesn't come home or call even if they are drunk is not being respectful. In retrospect I wonder if he wasn't trying to get me to break up with him so he wouldn't have to be the "bad guy."