dreaming4ever Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Ok, so I started talking to this guy online for a few months while I was dating around after I got over my ex. I thought he seemed pretty cute and nice but we were just being friends and chatting once in a while. I would tell him about my dates and we'd laugh about the odd things that tend to happen to me. And then one time he asked me when he's going to get HIS chance with me.....even if we'd just be sitting there listening to crickets (since we're both extremely shy and would probably be too afraid to talk) lol...so of course I said I would go out with him since I could tell he was an incredibly nice guy. Anyways, on my birthday we agreed to meet but I had to work. So, I thought it would be a fun idea if he came to my work and gave me a birthday kiss even though we'd never met before, so the day wouldn't completely suck. So we were both extremely nervous and he showed up looking absolutely gorgeous, with a rose....and so we made out in my car on my break and talked a bit even though we were both beet red and almost shaking with nervousness. WOW, it was completely awesome Later he said my kissing was amazing etc, etc, so we agreed to go on an actual date. Except he cancels at the last second saying that he's not ready to date b/c his ex of 5 years only broke up with him 6 months ago and he's still hurting even though he knows she isn't coming back. So, I'm completely bummed but we decide to be friends.....next thing I know we're making out (among other things) on his couch....which we've done more than once now.....I initially thought this meant that he changed his mind but last night I found out he's STILL not ready for a relationship and he thought that I knew that and still wanted to do this anyways b/c we both get very excited by each other. Which brings me to my problem.....do you think if I just let things go as they're going that he might decide he wants to be with me?? How many of you have had FWB turn into something more? I have once....but I'm not sure how common that is. I feel so stuck because I'm feeling too close to him already and getting attached, b/c that's the type of person I am....which probably means I shouldn't do this....but on the other hand, I can't NOT do this.....cuz we get to kiss and hold each other and it's just amazing.......ideas? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Well I have just broken up with my GF because she says she wasn't ready to be in a relationship after her last one (6yo relationship, daughter, and 12 months after breakup). So I kind of know why you ask the question "How long do they need?" It is very dangerous having a FWB, when one of them is attached, you will always be wanting more, and he can move on at any time. Sorry but I cant be very much help. You have feelings for someone who doesnt share them. You either have to let go, or enjoy what you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Delphi Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 If you can enjoy the "benefits" part of this, then by all means enjoy it! However, if you're like most of us stuck on the emotional rollercoaster that comes with physical intimacy...it's a dangerous situation. Currently, I'm going through the same thing. It's been months now and still the same ol' thing. Is he starting to like me? Does he think about me? WHAT does he think about me? The list goes on. The ultimate problem is that you have to decide (whenever you're ready) if you want to place "physical fun" above your emotional state. It's a tough call...like I said, I'm in the same boat. FWB does not usually pan out into something more. I've gone through enough of these situations (and coached friends though them) to know this, but also to realize that the "why? what if?" questions will not go away until you make a conscious decision to set your own limits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 mini696, yes I am definitely wondering how much time does he NEED? Not to brag but I feel like saying....you have a good thing here in front of you, so why are you hesitating? ...not that I would ever say that to him but I just don't get it.... Delphi, For me, it's less, does he think of me? Because he's shown that he does....but it's more like, is he thinking about my body or my personality or both? Also sometimes when we're doing stuff I wonder if he's thinking of his ex at that exact moment, which kind of freaks me out. The thing that I find promising is that he doesn't just want to experience the "benefits" (which doesn't include sex by the way, neither of us are into doing that right away) he also wants to hang out with me and just like watch TV or be together and have fun and laugh and stuff....because we do both. But maybe I'm completely deluding myself.... Link to post Share on other sites
drgnflybethany Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Okay - in one post you said on one hand that you wonder how much time he needs, and in the same posting - you write to another person that you wonder if he's thinking of his ex when you two are doing whatever... So, that implies that he may need more time than you think... for a five year old relationship, a year isn't completely out of the question... and yes, he may have a good thing in front of him, but the timing could be off - a whole slew of things could be going on... I agree w/ Delphi - either you like what you have now - and you go with that - or you need the emotions and the commitment and you leave this guy... b/c he's not going to change... at least not any time soon - and it does sound like - from you own impressions that he does need more time... And there's nothing wrong with that from his perspective... but you are becoming his rebound relationship.. And that's not what you want to be... Link to post Share on other sites
Delphi Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Amazingly, my FWB likes to hangout too...just watching TV, having a few drinks, etc. But...judging from the response I got to my post "reading mixed signals?" I am deluding myself. I find it incredible (not in a positive light) how many guys are fine with ACTING like a couple while not committing to BEING one. Perhaps we're wired differently. As for him thinking of your personality or body? Just listen to what he says, like compliments, etc. If you find him commenting on physical qualities more than your personality, that can speak volumes! I follow this up with a warning: be careful of listening...make sure you're not recalling what you want to hear and tossing valuable insights aside. Link to post Share on other sites
drgnflybethany Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Well, Delphi - honestly, watching TV and having drinks doesn't make anyone a couple... I do that with my guy friends... And you're not deluding yourself (sorry to reply to this here, but here's where you chose to post it).... and I'm sorry if you felt I was saying you were. Because that means I didn't make myself clear. You are dealing with a man, who on one level wants to tell you one thing and act another way. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you - it means that there is something wrong with him. I said Kudos to him, b/c most men won't be up front with you about it... they'll play you and leave you... and won't think twice about it. But, for the most part, he wants to have sex with someone - you're that someone (right now) - but if another girl comes along tonight - he will sleep with her. See - not your issue - HIS. The way he looks at sex and this relationship and the way you look at it - completely different. And you shouldn't take advice from me, either - as, I'm a walking disaster area...in my own right... and I tend to be a little harsh... Link to post Share on other sites
UnRebritta Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 i say no because im in one right now and i know he dosen't want everything more to do with me. u risking ur heart. maybe he wants something else but i prbly say no..... my friend with benifit is not over his ex..i know it... i know he still wants her bad.....he dosen't want me.. so break it up before u get really heartbroken like me Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 If you have a friend with benefits than that is all he is wanting !! He don't want any commitment or he would have made one already!! If you are wanting an relationship i suggest you tell him ,that you can't do the sex thing anymore you want a relationship!! If he says that not what he wants then don't look back and get you a man that wants what you want!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Oh, thanks for the good advice but I posted this awhile ago and I'm not FWB with this guy anymore at all. I learned more about him and he isn't even someone I'd want to be with eventually, he's actually kind of dull and lacks intelligence so I decided to move on Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Oh, thanks for the good advice but I posted this awhile ago and I'm not FWB with this guy anymore at all. I learned more about him and he isn't even someone I'd want to be with eventually, he's actually kind of dull and lacks intelligence so I decided to move on Good for you glad you decided to move on great move for you !! I didn't know that you posted it awhile ago seen it in new posts so i responded !! Sorry but anyways glad you made the right decision!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts